Wooger this is coming from someone who loves drugs but really truely despises alcohol like nothing else. There is a point when I am drinking, maybe after 2-3 drinks where my tummy gets this warm alcohol feeling, and usually within minutes after I feel this "detach" in my functioning. When that initial buzz kicks in. Its like this noticeable hazy shield I get in my brain. I feel calm/cool and whatever. But I find that I immediately begin thinking in a very stupid way. Like I'll feel almost like I'm 5 years old again its hard to explain. And I hate the fact that if I need to think about something logically with a clear head, no matter how hard I try on alcohol I can NOT. And I can't tell you how much I fucking despise that feeling. Alcohol is just too sloppy for me to ever really enjoy. Its unpredictable and drunk people are experts at making asses of themselves which is the main thing I despise about alcohol. I never acted like that on opiates before.
I've had many fun drunken nights and drank hundreds of times in my life, but I can still sit here and tell you I honestly hate alcohol. And the only reason I've done it is like you said it helps you open up and not give a shit about your behavoir. But waking up in the morning with a hangover and remembering all the stupid things I said and did the night before is what really puts shudders through my body with alcohol. That it will make me say and do things that are simply not me.
So realize that "relaxed" (more so inebriated) feeling is still NOT YOU. You will be around tons of people who don't care, will be drunk and happy, but these people didn't need to live on alcohol at any point in their lives just to survive. And man I can not tell you how depressing alcohol is. Sure if I only have a few, I can be a bit stimulated and happy but I'm a balls to the wall type person. I always gotta have a lot cause it equals "more fun" right? Yeh right. Like pissing your own pants and vomiting all over a dance floor is fun.
I suggest you find something else that can disinhibit you with out causing such adverse effects. And honestly I'll straight up tell you I don't think you belong around alcohol or ANY EVENT that has alcohol at it only 2 months after an ALCOHOL DETOX ffs. It was not too long ago I was posting a thread on here about how I just wanted to use pods "one more time". I was so confident and so sure that thats all it would be. All I had to do was not take it again the following day. But what you don't understand is after you make that decision your confidence will make a huge shift as well as your thought process. You may likely feel like shit about yourself (or if you become overly confident thats even worse), hung over, maybe you did some dumb shit the night before maybe not, but trust me when I say SOMETHING & I DON'T KNOW WHAT will lead you back to drinking the following day.
Addiction is absolutely not that easy to beat. It is not fucking worth it. And look its not even that fun. I can't tell you what it is about alcohol that urks me so much I think its all the alcoholics that live around me in this town. Man some of those people are more fucked up than crackheads. One guy is missing BOTH of his arms from a car crash. Walks around carrying things in his mouth the hole day and asking people to open doors. Then another lady alcoholic that drove her car right into my brothers nissan cause she was drunk. Totalled it. Guess what happens the next year? I have my car parked in the same spot and a drunk teenage girl totals my fucking car.
Alcohol is an evil evil drug. I would much rather prefer these opiate addiction over an alcohol addiction I know how opiates are looked down on but they still allow me to function and alcohol does not.
There are LOTS of things you can take to disinhibit you w/out dealing with those repercussions.
Kanna leaf is a very prosocial drug. No wds. You will feel even better than if you were drunk. No shitty hangover, it makes you talk talk talk talk and it can make you the center of attention. Good kanna leaf is excellent for social events.
A mix of l-tyro, l-taurine, l-theanine and vitamin b-6 although not as strong as kanna will still relax you quite a bit and make socializing much easier. Mix in some fresh passion flower leaf and then you got something that will feel stronger than a valium, with no side effects or bs to deal with.
Tramadol is also a great social drug buts its an opiate so obviously theres wds to deal with.
But xanax I never really found to be a "social drug". It doesn't really make you talk it just makes you slow, numbed out and calm. Take too much and it can quickly become an antisocial drug slurring and drueling all over yourself.
Lyrica is pretty decent as a social drug much better than xanax imo. I hear it has wds although I don't imagine them to be that bad. But lyrica is definitely another one of those drugs that just makes me talk talk talk and I can enjoy myself and have a good time no matter where I am.
I KNOW what you mean about that social anxiety but you really need more resources, more ways to do one thing. You can't just rely on alcohol all the time its going to eventually corrode your body and mind and put you in a nasty fucking depression. Alcohol is shit. Please find something else to do. And I will tell you this if you like alcohol it would be too easy to trade for a benzo habit. Be careful with those xanax. Take them only when you really need a parties and what not for socializing. Not on regular days imo unless you really have an anxiety problem.
And most of all good luck. If you DO drink don't fucking beat yourself up over that shit. I'm not gonna look down on you and anyone who does is a dirtbag imo. You have a very obvious medical illness. Your body is going to obviously try everything it can to get you to drink. Even though its been a couple months its still really nothing in terms of addiction. Try to fight it and if you don't want to fight it, I honestly wouldn't even go to whatever this social event is. And if friends/relatives get mad tell them you don't feel comfortable being around alcohol cause you're an alcoholic. They WILL respect that trust me. Much more than giving in to the temptation.
I can't even tell you now how many offers I turn down to go to a bar or club and drink with friends/get drunk. Well I don't turn down offers anymore really cause noone calls me lol. They know I hate drinking. But I still do have my crutches. Which is why I can't and won't judge you. But I can say I did this just like 6 months ago, used one time, and I'm telling you the second you use that phrase "fuck it" comes storming right into your head. Not the phrase "control or maintain it". Cause if thats how are minds worked we would have never became addicts/alcoholics in the first place.
Good luck!!! If it was me like I said I wouldn't even go.
