Dreaming of College

[SunnyLeopard]

Hi, I have some questions to ask if anyone would like to help me out. I'm in a bit of a pickle in high school. I am in 11th grade and I'm 17 years old. I do not have enough credits to graduate even though I slave over my work. I have failed 5 out of 7 classes due to stress. I will not graduate.

I was planning on becoming a nurse and going to the community college we have here, but that dream is long gone. I will not even be able to work at McDonald's at the rate I am going.

Why I'm failing? Numerous reasons. I have bad depression, I am disorganized, I live with horrible parents who tell me what a piece of shit I am and so does my older brother, I was separated from my boyfriend for stupid reasons and desperately miss him, and I just can't handle life right now. I'm going to have to go to counseling for kleptomania which I've been struggling with for 5 years and anorexia nervosa for 2.

When I wake up for school, my mom bitches at me all morning for SOMETHING while trying to get ready. When I go to school, I can't focus. I'm withdrawn or I act out a lot in class, which is really odd. I always get in trouble and I'm in In-School-Suspension all of the time and hardly get to see friends. I have a cluttered bag, no locker, and I can't keep up with my work if I'm focused enough to even do the work in the first place. I work so hard and lose it, and never get a grade. I'm always unhappy. When I get home, my parents bitch at me until I go to sleep at 4pm to avoid them and if I'm lucky enough not to be woken up by them screaming at me, I sleep until 9 when they're asleep, shower, take sleeping pills, and go back to bed again. I can't keep my room clean, my parents won't let me get a driver's license, I can't get a job, and I feel like a total loser.

I am definitely not graduating, and I do not want to live off of government cheese my whole life.

I have been suicidal since around 10 years of age, on and off because of a FUCK LOAD of problems. I'm still struggling with that now, and I've overdosed around 3 times on opiates and benzodiazepines my entire life, but never died.

I don't want to sound like a pathetic fuck, but, what do I do?

My parents asked me what I was going to do with my life, and I told them I was going to either grow marijuana and sell it, or make MDMA and sell it. they can't really say anything because they have a green thumb if you get what I mean.

If I kill myself, I'll never have a chance. If I become a drug dealer, I'll at least get a chance at all. What should I do? I feel SO mixed up. I really wanna go to college but that's out the window. My parents are pieces of shit for saying I'm a failure, 'cause they never went to college either. They're TOTAL PRICKS.

My mom pushes me and yells a lot and my dad's a pussy and won't stand up to my mom for he and I. She treats him like shit too, but sometimes they pair up and it's double trouble.

This shit fucking sucks. Thanks all

 

[Lysis]

If you plan to go to community college, honestly, you'll be fine. They accept anyone. Also, nurses are in need right now. My sis used to work for a staffing company for doctors and nurses, and if you go to a college for nursing, you will have no issues finding a career.

If you decide to ditch high school, you will need your GED. It isn't the most prestigious of degrees, but it won't matter at all if you go to college.

Look towards your future, my dear. Don't let the shit pull you down.

 

[SunnyLeopard]

Thank you so much, Lysis. I cannot ditch high school; my parents said that if I drop out, I'm working 50 hours a week, paying to live here, and will clean the house. I can't do that, so I'm forced to say in school and fail.

My dream was to become a nurse, and get out of here and move to Los Angeles. My family doesn't have much money. It's taken us 10 years to pay 30 grand on a 70 grand house. when I went to L.A., I saw how nice it was and I just hoped that I could make it there one day and get out of this shitty town. Everything is dragging me down, and it makes me feel hopeless. It's so hard for it not to pull me down. I mean, I have a 370 point project due tomorrow and I have .1% of it done in 3 hours. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. So I just gave up on it..

I still think that I'm going to have to be a dealer to make money. I really don't want to go to prison, either.

Hopefully, things will work out. Thank you for your reassurance =)

 

[Lysis]

Well, just a consideration - when you hit 18 you can drop high school, get your GED, and start college. I hate suggesting that, but I also know a high school degree doesn't matter if you go to college.

Most of the people here have some fucked up stories, so you are not alone. Don't get dragged into the crappy part of life. Rise above your situation. That is what will set you apart. If you let yourself become a part of the system, you're just like everyone else and nothing special. You can really make a difference as a nurse. Consider it a goal and reach for it.

 

[white_magic]

Thank you so much, Lysis. I cannot ditch high school; my parents said that if I drop out, I'm working 50 hours a week, paying to live here, and will clean the house. I can't do that, so I'm forced to say in school and fail.

My dream was to become a nurse, and get out of here and move to Los Angeles. My family doesn't have much money. It's taken us 10 years to pay 30 grand on a 70 grand house. when I went to L.A., I saw how nice it was and I just hoped that I could make it there one day and get out of this shitty town. Everything is dragging me down, and it makes me feel hopeless. It's so hard for it not to pull me down. I mean, I have a 370 point project due tomorrow and I have .1% of it done in 3 hours. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. So I just gave up on it..

I still think that I'm going to have to be a dealer to make money. I really don't want to go to prison, either.

Hopefully, things will work out. Thank you for your reassurance =)

SunnyLeopard, it's clear that you are confident in your abilities and you are determined, but you just don't get anywhere at this point.

It seems to me that you have to get things straight psychologically before you can realize your potential. I'm not sure how that can happen as long as you have such a negative atmosphere at home.

I was wondering, is it possible to take a GED while you're still in high school? If you're smart enough, getting the GED should a piece of cake. That's also if you're okay with having a GED over a diploma.

 

[yougene]

Like lysis said college isn't out of the window. Most community colleges will take you with a GED. If you decide to transfer to a 4 year college no one is going to look at your high school grades. That also means if you screw up your grades in community college they will follow you from then on. You can't put together a "370" point project the night before in college. I was in a similar position as you. I dropped out of HS with a 1.8 GPA and I went to college with a GED. I still had a lot of those bad HS habits in college and I failed a couple classes there, but I got my shit together and I make mostly A's. This meant cutting the drugs out though.

 

[Lysis]

SunnyLeopard, it's clear that you are confident in your abilities and you are determined, but you just don't get anywhere at this point.

It seems to me that you have to get things straight psychologically before you can realize your potential. I'm not sure how that can happen as long as you have such a negative atmosphere at home.

I was wondering, is it possible to take a GED while you're still in high school? If you're smart enough, getting the GED should a piece of cake. That's also if you're okay with having a GED over a diploma.

When I was a kid, my parents had me in a private religious school until they were divorced. The public high schools didn't accept a lot of my credits, so they wanted me to basically start over in the 9th grade. I was 17! I decided to get my GED and start community college. I always lie and say I graduated high school. No one will check that part of your resume especially if you go to college, so it doesn't matter.

For me, to register, I had to go from teacher to teacher and get them to sign this paperwork. I don't know why. I guess it was because I was 17. Some of the teachers were nasty about it, but I guess they thought I would be a typical dropout.

Then, I registered for the GED course that signs you up for the test. I never went to any of those classes. It wasn't like I was failing high school - I was getting A's and B's. They will call you if you don't show up to the classes, but the GED is easier than the SAT, and I was studying for the SAT so I just never saw the point. I took the GED and scored pretty well, I guess. My local community college had a scholarship program where if you got a certain score they would pay for your college. Check with your schools to see if they have something like that. I was 10 points off from the scholarship.

 

[white_magic]

Wow, worked out well for you then, Lysis. Anyway, i'm in a comm. college already. I can hardly understand how anyone might fail a single class in high school unless they got some real problems, as OP seems to have.

 

[Enlitx]

Honestly, if you are struggling that much with high school I don't see college becoming any easier. That isn't to say it is impossible, but it does mean you need to get some things worked out before attending college.

Take care of your psychological problems and then work on becoming a better student. Now would be a great time to halt all drug use so your brain can develop properly and you can develop solid skills as a student.

I am very serious about the cessation of drug use, everyday I regret using drugs while I was 17-21 instead of waiting until my brain had fully matured.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

You need to take responsibility for failing these classes and for yourself.

I understand that you have a bad home environment, but you are using that as an excuse. Yes, it sucks when parents are assholes-- trust me, I get that from my father-- but it's not a reason to fail your classes, it’s an obstacle. You also need to change the attitude of “it’s hopeless, it just happens to me” and see that you CAN change these things, it’s not hopeless, and you are causing them to happen, they are not separate from you.

It seems to me that disorganization is what is mostly causing your downfall. Things like having a cluttered bag and a messy room you can take care of yourself; go through your stuff and get organized. Get a day planner, if you can't afford one make a make-shift one in your notebook, and start keeping track of your assignments, your tests, your essays, etc. Mark down when they are due and make a plan of how you will do them by making a weekly schedule that must then FOLLOW. If you commonly lose your assignments, try and do everything on your computer and always save a copy. The night before class, look at your schedule for the next day and put all the books, notebooks, folders and whatnot in your book bag so you won’t be in a rush to do it in the morning. Additionally, put all your assignments to turn in that day in a folder and put that in your bag as well. Time and assignments don’t run away from us, we lose them. Slaving away on your work is pointless if you’re not going to do the additional work of being organized and checking up on yourself. I have ADHD and this is the ONLY way I can get anything done, otherwise I am just a disorganized mess. Is this hard at times and does it sucks? Yes, it does-- but no one is going to do it for you, no matter how hard it may be for you or how many obstacles you may have, and sure as hell not in college, or in your career as a nurse. So you need take the discipline and action to do it yourself.

However, as long as you’re going to bed at 4 PM you’re never going to pass any of your classes. How do you expect to have time to do your homework and study if you’re going to bed pretty much as soon as you get home? If you don’t want to be around your parents, go to the library, or a nearby café. Libraries and cafes are a much better environment than your home where there’s a bunch of distractions, and you won’t have to deal with your parents (they’re usually open until late). You can also go home with a friend and do a study session at his/her house. As for the morning, part of the reason you’re going to class unprepared may partly be due to your mom bitching at you and therefore making you anxious. To avoid this, like I mentioned, have everything you need set out the night before. If you want to avoid her, wake up earlier than she does and get ready for school. Leave before she is up and about. If you have a gym membership, go to the gym in the morning. If not, go for a run. Or, pack your breakfast and grab a book, some music, your laptop, and go eat and relax somewhere like a park or a café.

In regards to the problems you’re having at school, if you do have ADHD which it sounds like you may, paying attention in class and focusing is something you just have to put more effort into doing than others. For me, I take notes in every single class I’m in, even if I’m the only person taking them and people look at me weirdly. I also take especially detailed notes, and this helps keep me focused in class and not start daydreaming, as well as me absorb the information more effectively afterwards It’s tedious and annoying but it works.

Some of the other problems you are mentioning I have a feeling there is a reason behind that you are not providing in your post. What are you doing to be put in in-school suspension? It’s as simple as stopping to fix that. Why do you not have locker, and why do your parents not want you to get a drivers license? As for a job, I would say don’t worry about that now, you have enough on your plate. When your parents are not supporting you any longer and you’re not living at home, you can worry about that.

In regards to your future, like everyone else has mentioned, most community colleges will take you as long as you have a GE. Talk to your counselor at high school about your credits and see if it really is impossible for you to graduate, because she/he may be able to make a plan for you that you cannot see yourself. They can also guide you toward a teacher who would be willing to tutor you, or student tutoring. If that doesn’t work, you can get your GE, or a lot of community colleges will let you finish your high school credits by taking their classes as well. I know there are nursing programs through community colleges in CA anyway so you could that and never have to deal with transferring to a university. However, as long as you have the attitude that it’s impossible it will be.

You are young and your life is full of possibilities, do not dismiss them. You need counseling for these issues you have mentioned, and if you are about to enter it, that is good. If you do suffer from ADHD and depression, medication will make the above easier, but it still something you will have to work at daily—medication will not simply fix your problems. Also, if you had a diagnosis, most school are pretty willing to help you out. They’ll give you longer time to takes tests and do in class essays, and usually let you go into a library or separate class room to take them if the ones they’re being administered in are nosy and full of distractions. Depending the resources your school has, they can also assign someone to help you keep organized and even someone to take notes for you.

You sound a lot like me when I was in my freshman year of high school, and the only reason I got through it and into college and am still in college is by doing the above. I also suffer from anorexia so I understand where you are coming from. Feel free to PM me if you ever want advice or want to vent—but don’t give up and don’t destroy any chance of achieving what you want to.

Good luck.

 

[An Iz]

You need to take responsibility for failing these classes and for yourself.

I understand that you have a bad home environment, but you are using that as an excuse. Yes, it sucks when parents are assholes-- trust me, I get that from my father-- but it's not a reason to fail your classes, it’s an obstacle. You also need to change the attitude of “it’s hopeless, it just happens to me” and see that you CAN change these things, it’s not hopeless, and you are causing them to happen, they are not separate from you.

Here it is. You gotta take responsibility for how your life turns out.

You can't even let your mental problems drag you down. If you want things to get any better you pretty much have to say fuck the world, I'm not letting anything fuck me, I'm in charge of my life.

Then plan out your days, tell your parents that you're gonna study in the library and then Do It, plan out your weeks, and give estimates at how you plan to manage your life.

I think you're on the right path questioning it all now; try to figure out a path for yourself, accept you aren't perfect and work with what you got.

I think thats what most everyone does, and while of course it isn't easy and a lot of people along with you have a million reasons to fail, some of us choose to say fuck it to those reasons and take control of our lives.

~~

As far as dealing drugs: One big thing is that if you think "I'm gonna start selling drugs" or "I could start selling drugs" you really aren't in a position to do it. Especially how you just mentioned it on here as something you will do, maybe even admitted to growing weed already? There are a ton of different angles to selling drugs, and if you mentioned it as something separate from your very life itself, like you did, you probably don't see those angles. Which spells danger. Also, there are law enforcement people who's job is to read these boards all day. So you aren't born into selling drugs, it can be a really bad idea, and even if you're related to some smuggling immigrants, you just implicated yourself in a really obvious way.

Furthermore, if you know any successful drug dealers, you know that they aren't living a sustainable lifestyle. They're not putting clean money in the retirement fund. At least the ones I've known are sort of sad cases with happy faces. They're all on probation or have a dozen charges and they're just sort of candles burning really bright, but they can't possibly last, because they get arrested every 18 months or something.

And if you do it successfully at all you'll be pretty much instantly seduced by the glamour of getting paid cash in wads and college will be impossibly hard afterwards, and then doubly impossible because your charges will keep you from getting any financial aid.

 

[haikod]

I don't have much else to add to Mia's short story, but if you're going to grow weed...don't tell anybody.

 

[An Iz]

I'll fix this:

I don't have much else to add to Mia's short story, but if you're going to grow weed...don't tell anybody.

Admitting that you're growing weed on the net can get you as arrested as telling people in a bar, go back in time and un-tell everyone.

 

[VerbalTruist]

Man your post makes me very sad.

What I would do is the following... Go to community college, they won't reject you as there are no requirements for entrance. You should finish your highschooling if you can before hand.

Focus on you, get your shit together, pick up the pieces of your broken life and move upwards.