TiggerLuvsX
Bluelighter
Dramatic Monologue
The setting is a psychiatrist’s office. There is a chair and desk at CR facing C. There is a chair and a couch C facing the desk. The speaker is a girl about 22 years old. She looks as though she has been through a lot, but it is noticeable that she has class. She should be standing near the couch when the curtain opens.
Hi. (pause and look around) Am I supposed to lay on the couch like they do on television and in the movies? (pause) I think I’ll just sit. (sits down on couch) So, I guess you are wondering why I am here. Let me tell you, it’s not by choice. I’d rather be at my house watching some television program I have seen twenty five times. The social worker at the hospital told me that I had to come see you. Am I supposed to do all the talking? I could talk to myself at my house. I wouldn’t do that though, because I am not crazy. I know that everyone thinks I am, but I’m not. I got depressed. You can’t tell me you have never been depressed. I know better than that. I know that even the happiest people get depressed every now and then.
Okay, I guess I’ll quit babbling and tell you why she made me come here. I told myself that I didn’t see a point in living anymore. I took my cousin’s gun out of his truck and I put it to my head. You’re probably asking yourself if I was really going to use it, right? Well, I don’t have an answer for that. I wanted to pull the trigger; I really did. I thought it would make everything better. I knew it would make things better for me, but not for those who love me. I kept thinking about my niece, Madison. She is four, and she has my whole heart. What would she remember about me as she grew up? I know she looks up to me, and I didn’t want to disappoint her or break her heart. She is probably the main reason I didn’t pull the trigger. I guess I will always be grateful to her for that, but she will never know what she did for me that day.
I really don’t understand why I have to be here. This happened two months ago, and I am fine now. I wouldn’t be here, except that the social worker called last week. She told me she knew that I hadn’t gotten any help yet, and that it was mandatory that I do. What I’m trying to tell you is that the only reason I am here is so that I don’t get committed to the loony bin. I don’t belong there. I don’t even belong in this office. I had some bad luck in my life, but I am okay now. (pause) Shouldn’t you be helping the really crazy people right now? I know there have to be plenty of people out there who need your help more than I do. I’m fine now. Yes, I was having some problems a couple of months ago, but everything is better now. I am moving on with my life. (pause)
I guess you want to know what was so bad in my life to make me not want to be here. Looking back at it, I know it would not have been worth it. I know that nothing is worth my life. I was in a bad relationship. Things just weren’t going right. He hit me all of the time. I was in the hospital a few times with broken bones. I never had the courage to press charges against him. He told me that if I told anyone, he would kill me. I guess I would rather have killed myself than have that bastard do it. I just didn’t feel like there was a way out. I didn’t really have any friends here in Tangor. John, my ex, made me stop talking to the friends that I did have here. Things were just really bad, and I didn’t have any friends that I could talk to about my problems. He probably had that all planned out. So, I guess the abuse was the worst of the problems.
Money was also becoming a problem. I had to start calling into work. I couldn’t very well go into work with black eyes. John had quit his job, and the bill collectors were calling everyday. It was a lot of stress, and I’m not used to any of that. I come from a nice, wealthy family. I guess I could have called my parents for money, but I just wanted to act like I had it all together. I also wanted to keep my pride. Now, I know that people need people more than they need pride. My parents have been really great throughout this whole ordeal.
So, you see, I just felt as though I had nothing. My family was all I had, and it’s not easy living four hours away from them. My brother is the only one who lives near me. Sometimes, I just want my mom.
Do you still think that I am crazy? (pause) What? Do you think that I am withholding information? (pause) Okay, so maybe I am. I was doing a lot of drugs at the time. I am clean now, though. It was nothing for John and I to go through an eight ball of cocaine in one night. I don’t know why I was doing that to myself. Somehow John always made it seem as though it was okay to be doing it. He could justify anything.
There is one more thing you should probably know. When I was 20, I got pregnant. When I told John, he flipped out. He yelled at me for not taking my birth control. He hurt me pretty bad that night. I had to go to the hospital. I told them that I had fallen. I miscarried the baby during the fight. I tried to tell John that I had been taking my birth control, but he didn’t believe me. He told me I was lying, and that I got pregnant on purpose. He said I got pregnant to make sure that he would never leave me. I wish he would have left a long time ago. My life would have been so much easier. I never told anyone that I was pregnant. I doubt you will tell anyone, since you don’t talk.
In high school, I was the good little girl who did nothing wrong. Shit, I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was nineteen. John was my first. I guess I just believed everything he told me because he was my first. I just had so much faith in him. Sometimes I miss him, even though I know what a bad person he is. Does that make me crazy? I don’t think so. I still love him. It’s not like he was always hurting me. We had a lot of good times together. It wasn’t always bad. We were together for three years. The first two years were wonderful. He made me feel so special. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. (pause and sigh) I don’t know what made him change. He would always cry after he hurt me. He would tell me that he didn’t mean to; he was just under a lot of stress. I always believed him. Maybe that was stupid of me, but I just kept remembering all of the good times we had our first two years together. After about six months, I realized that he wasn’t going to stop beating me. I told him I was going to leave, and that is when he started threatening to kill me. Six months after that is when I got the gun. John saw me with the gun, and I told him I was going to kill myself. I guess he got scared, and he called the cops. He ran before the cops got to the house. He didn’t want to get into trouble for hurting me. The cops came and took me to the hospital. John hadn’t hurt me too bad that time. It wasn’t bad enough for medical attention. The cops took me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. They made me stay overnight. That is the night I pressed charges against John. The cops found him, and he has been in jail ever since. He didn’t have any money to make bond. The court date is next month. I have to go and testify against him. I don’t know if I want to do that. What if he could change? He really does love me. I think he just has a problem with his temper. Couldn’t an anger management class help him? You tell me. You’re the shrink. I’m just scared that if I testify, he will come after me when he gets out. I don’t want to have to throw the rest of my life away for this. I mean, what if they have to put me in the witness protection program or something? If he just had to take an anger management course, he wouldn’t be that mad. If he has to go to jail for a long time, he will be very mad. I’m scared of what he will do to me.
Are you still thinking that I am crazy? I honestly don’t think that I am crazy. If I were truly crazy, I would have pulled the trigger. I didn’t. That should tell you something. I’m still here, and I am trying to move on with my life. I can go to work now. I don’t have to worry about calling in because of a black eye. I don’t know why I am still in Tangor. I don’t really have anything here except for my job. I guess I could move home, but then I would feel like a failure. I don’t want people to think of me in that way. I have never been a failure in my life, and I’m not going to start right now.
I know you are probably thinking that I am really trashy. I’m not. I was valedictorian of my graduating class. I was in plenty of clubs and organizations in high school. I was captain of the cheerleaders. I was also very active in church. I went to catholic school my whole life. I was a Eucharistic Minister and I was in Youth Group. I gave retreats for students that were younger than me. I just got mixed up with the wrong people. I had a full paid scholarship to any school that I wanted. I met John the summer before I was supposed to go to Stanford. I decided to move to Tangor with him. My parents were so disappointed in me. They hadn’t raised me the way they had so that I could throw all of my dreams away. I guess John always had some kind of influence over me. I don’t know what it is. He is gorgeous, but I don’t think it was his looks that won me over. There was just something about him. I can’t put my finger on it. I know I have messed up a lot in my life, but I’m working on changing that. I don’t think coming to talk to you is going to do anything for me, though. I am smart and I know what has to be done to get my life back on the right track. I don’t think I need to be talking to you. I think I need to be talking to an attorney. An attorney could give me advice about what to do about John. You can’t help me with that. You’re not really helping with too much. You’re not even talking. I am the only one doing any talking right now. What if I don’t have anything else to say? Can I start telling jokes? Maybe you would get that smug look off of your face and laugh. That would be nice. Why can’t you laugh? Do you not find humor in any of this? It’s my life, and even I can laugh about it at times. I don’t cry anymore. I am past that stage. I was always pretty immune to the physical damage that John did to me. It was more of the emotional stuff that hurt me. That saying about sticks and stones breaking bones, but words never hurting is not true at all. Sometimes words hurt more than anything in the world. I think everyone has experienced that sometime in their life. Haven’t you?
So, I’m not sure what else to say. Do you want me to tell you what I have been doing the past two months? I guess I could do that, since you have nothing to say. I could probably sit in here and sing my favorite songs, and you would just listen and not say anything. No, seriously. The past couple of months have been pretty hard. I’ve been trying to make contact with my old friends. They have all been really understanding of my situation. I have gone out to a few clubs. I really want to meet some new people, but I don’t think a nightclub is the best place to do that. Do you have any suggestions?
Oh sorry, I forgot that you don’t talk. How much do they pay you to sit here and say nothing? Maybe I’ll go to school for your job. After all the talking I have done today, I would be satisfied with just listening my whole life. Getting paid to be quiet would be so much better. Speaking of school, I am going back next month. I’m just going to the local community college here. I think I kinda blew my chances with all of my Ivy League schools. I had originally wanted to be an attorney, but I don’t think that is what I want anymore. I’m seriously thinking about becoming a shrink. Would that be possible? Are crazy people allowed to help other crazy people? I don’t think I’m crazy, but everyone else seems to think so. Anyway, back to school. I’m really looking forward to it. I will be around a lot of people, and I will be learning. Hopefully, I will be able to meet some new people. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends, but I want more than three people I can call to hang out with me.
Maybe I could even meet a guy. I’m kinda scared to meet a new guy, though. What if John finds out? He would be so mad. There’s no telling what he would do to me. Also, what if a new guy hits me? I think that I am scared to trust anyone new. Am I being stupid? I know that not all men are abusers, but what if I keep picking the bad ones?
Did I tell you that I had another brother? Philip was four years older than me. He died when I was eighteen. He had AIDS. He was a really great guy, though. If all guys were as wonderful as him, I wouldn’t be so scared. Of course, I think all the good ones must be gay. Philip was gay. I never thought badly of him because of that. He was still my big brother. We were very close. I remember my fifteenth birthday. Philip woke me up early that morning, and told me to get dressed and bring my swimsuit. We lived two hours from the beach in Destin. Philip and I drove to Destin, just the two of us, and spent the day at the beach. I’ve never had so much fun in my life. We rented a jet-ski, went parasailing, and built the best sand castle anyone has ever seen. I miss Philip so much. His boyfriend, Mike, died a year before him. I know that Philip really missed him. I hope they are together now. The day Philip died, I went driving. I ended up in Destin, and I built a sand castle just for Philip. It wasn’t as good as the one we built together, but I know he would have liked it. I wish he were still here. He is the only one who truly understood me. He always had a way of making everything better.
So many people came to Philip’s funeral. They all told us how sorry they were, but I know that they were talking about Philip behind our backs. No one in town had anything better to do. Everyone knew Philip, and they couldn’t believe when he came out of the closet. It was just so unexpected. He was captain of the football team. He always had the prettiest girlfriends. I am the only one that he told for a long time. He knew that I would understand, and that I wouldn’t judge him for it. Like I said before, he was my big brother, and nothing could come in the way of that. I just wish he were here now. He would talk to me and give me advice. He wouldn’t just sit there like you have been doing.
What is your deal? You’re supposed to be a professional here! Can you please say something?
I don’t understand why they are making me come here. This is not helping at all. I am just getting aggravated. If anyone is going to upset me, it is you! From what I hear, a shrink is supposed to talk. Shrinks are supposed to try and make everything better. All you are doing is making me even more upset. I wish I could leave, but that social worker told me that I had to stay the whole time. They must not know about you. That must be how you make your money! I have you all figured out! You try to get people even more upset than they already are. You make more money that way. They keep coming back to see you. You’re pretty slick.
Well, I’m tired of talking about myself. I’ll try something else. I am going to start talking about you. I am going to analyze you. Let me guess, you have a family at home. You and your wife have been together since high school. You never fight, because you don’t talk. Are you really this quiet at home, also? Your wife is one lucky person. She must always win the argument, because you never come back with anything. Am I getting warm? You have at least two kids, and you pray to God that they don’t turn out the way I did. You are scared though, because I was perfect when I was younger. It is possible for anything to happen, ya know? It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes. It is from the movie with Natalie Portman and Ashley Judd. I think it is called Where the Heart Is. Yeah, that’s it. In the movie Natalie Portman says, “Our lives can change with every breath we take.” How true is that? That quote really hit home with me. It seems like my life has been changing with every breath I have been taking. I look back at the way I used to be, and I can’t believe that I have become such a loser. I don’t like to think of myself that way, but it’s true. If there were a record of my life, it would be stamped with a big, red Failure. That’s what I am in everyone’s eyes. I know that I am better than that, though. I know that I have potential to be whatever I want to be. I will not let anyone ever stand in my way of that. John already messed my life up, and I will not allow anyone else to do that to me. Once is enough. Don’t ya think?
You make me feel like I am crazy. I feel like I am talking to myself. Is that what they teach you in shrink school, or whatever? I think you are the one who needs the shrink. Maybe I was wrong in my assessment of you. I think there may be a lot of things wrong in your life. I have an idea. Let’s play a role reversal game. I’ll be the psychiatrist, and you can be the patient. You can be the crazy one for a few minutes. I don’t mind being the sane one; even if it is only for a few minutes. What’s wrong, Doc? You don’t like my idea? I thought it was pretty clever. What do I know, though? I’m the crazy one. Is my time almost up? I feel like I have been in here for days. You don’t make this easy for your patients, you know?
Do you mind if I smoke in here? You have gotten me pretty nervous. I hope it’s okay. (takes out a cigarette and lights it) Ah, that is much better. I know that smoking is a bad habit. I only started a couple of years ago. John smoked like a freight train. I was always around it, so I decided to give it a try. It does help
relieve a lot of the stress. I also hear that cigarettes are an appetite suppressant, so I am scared to quit now. I don’t want to gain any weight. Sometimes, I feel like I am too prissy. Could that be a problem? I guess that I just like to look presentable. Like I said before, I am not trash. I don’t want people to think that I am, so I always worry about the way I look and how I present myself. When I was with John, I didn’t really care. All I cared about was making him love me. I just tried my hardest to make him happy. I guess it didn’t work. I am starting to understand that it isn’t my fault. I know that I am better than him; I always was. Sometimes, love blinds people to the way that others really are. I am glad that I can finally see John for what he really is.
You wanna know something, Doc? I know that I have been giving you a hard time, because you haven’t said a single word, but I think you may have helped me. You allowed me to talk everything out with myself, and I now see that it was effective. I hope you can understand that I am not crazy. I have had some tough breaks in my life, but I think they made me a stronger person. I think they made me who I am today, and I like that person. So, thank you, Doc. I’m going to go now. I hope you let the social worker know that I was very cooperative. Please tell her that I am not crazy. Thank you again. Bye. (stands up and leaves)
The setting is a psychiatrist’s office. There is a chair and desk at CR facing C. There is a chair and a couch C facing the desk. The speaker is a girl about 22 years old. She looks as though she has been through a lot, but it is noticeable that she has class. She should be standing near the couch when the curtain opens.
Hi. (pause and look around) Am I supposed to lay on the couch like they do on television and in the movies? (pause) I think I’ll just sit. (sits down on couch) So, I guess you are wondering why I am here. Let me tell you, it’s not by choice. I’d rather be at my house watching some television program I have seen twenty five times. The social worker at the hospital told me that I had to come see you. Am I supposed to do all the talking? I could talk to myself at my house. I wouldn’t do that though, because I am not crazy. I know that everyone thinks I am, but I’m not. I got depressed. You can’t tell me you have never been depressed. I know better than that. I know that even the happiest people get depressed every now and then.
Okay, I guess I’ll quit babbling and tell you why she made me come here. I told myself that I didn’t see a point in living anymore. I took my cousin’s gun out of his truck and I put it to my head. You’re probably asking yourself if I was really going to use it, right? Well, I don’t have an answer for that. I wanted to pull the trigger; I really did. I thought it would make everything better. I knew it would make things better for me, but not for those who love me. I kept thinking about my niece, Madison. She is four, and she has my whole heart. What would she remember about me as she grew up? I know she looks up to me, and I didn’t want to disappoint her or break her heart. She is probably the main reason I didn’t pull the trigger. I guess I will always be grateful to her for that, but she will never know what she did for me that day.
I really don’t understand why I have to be here. This happened two months ago, and I am fine now. I wouldn’t be here, except that the social worker called last week. She told me she knew that I hadn’t gotten any help yet, and that it was mandatory that I do. What I’m trying to tell you is that the only reason I am here is so that I don’t get committed to the loony bin. I don’t belong there. I don’t even belong in this office. I had some bad luck in my life, but I am okay now. (pause) Shouldn’t you be helping the really crazy people right now? I know there have to be plenty of people out there who need your help more than I do. I’m fine now. Yes, I was having some problems a couple of months ago, but everything is better now. I am moving on with my life. (pause)
I guess you want to know what was so bad in my life to make me not want to be here. Looking back at it, I know it would not have been worth it. I know that nothing is worth my life. I was in a bad relationship. Things just weren’t going right. He hit me all of the time. I was in the hospital a few times with broken bones. I never had the courage to press charges against him. He told me that if I told anyone, he would kill me. I guess I would rather have killed myself than have that bastard do it. I just didn’t feel like there was a way out. I didn’t really have any friends here in Tangor. John, my ex, made me stop talking to the friends that I did have here. Things were just really bad, and I didn’t have any friends that I could talk to about my problems. He probably had that all planned out. So, I guess the abuse was the worst of the problems.
Money was also becoming a problem. I had to start calling into work. I couldn’t very well go into work with black eyes. John had quit his job, and the bill collectors were calling everyday. It was a lot of stress, and I’m not used to any of that. I come from a nice, wealthy family. I guess I could have called my parents for money, but I just wanted to act like I had it all together. I also wanted to keep my pride. Now, I know that people need people more than they need pride. My parents have been really great throughout this whole ordeal.
So, you see, I just felt as though I had nothing. My family was all I had, and it’s not easy living four hours away from them. My brother is the only one who lives near me. Sometimes, I just want my mom.
Do you still think that I am crazy? (pause) What? Do you think that I am withholding information? (pause) Okay, so maybe I am. I was doing a lot of drugs at the time. I am clean now, though. It was nothing for John and I to go through an eight ball of cocaine in one night. I don’t know why I was doing that to myself. Somehow John always made it seem as though it was okay to be doing it. He could justify anything.
There is one more thing you should probably know. When I was 20, I got pregnant. When I told John, he flipped out. He yelled at me for not taking my birth control. He hurt me pretty bad that night. I had to go to the hospital. I told them that I had fallen. I miscarried the baby during the fight. I tried to tell John that I had been taking my birth control, but he didn’t believe me. He told me I was lying, and that I got pregnant on purpose. He said I got pregnant to make sure that he would never leave me. I wish he would have left a long time ago. My life would have been so much easier. I never told anyone that I was pregnant. I doubt you will tell anyone, since you don’t talk.
In high school, I was the good little girl who did nothing wrong. Shit, I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was nineteen. John was my first. I guess I just believed everything he told me because he was my first. I just had so much faith in him. Sometimes I miss him, even though I know what a bad person he is. Does that make me crazy? I don’t think so. I still love him. It’s not like he was always hurting me. We had a lot of good times together. It wasn’t always bad. We were together for three years. The first two years were wonderful. He made me feel so special. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. (pause and sigh) I don’t know what made him change. He would always cry after he hurt me. He would tell me that he didn’t mean to; he was just under a lot of stress. I always believed him. Maybe that was stupid of me, but I just kept remembering all of the good times we had our first two years together. After about six months, I realized that he wasn’t going to stop beating me. I told him I was going to leave, and that is when he started threatening to kill me. Six months after that is when I got the gun. John saw me with the gun, and I told him I was going to kill myself. I guess he got scared, and he called the cops. He ran before the cops got to the house. He didn’t want to get into trouble for hurting me. The cops came and took me to the hospital. John hadn’t hurt me too bad that time. It wasn’t bad enough for medical attention. The cops took me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. They made me stay overnight. That is the night I pressed charges against John. The cops found him, and he has been in jail ever since. He didn’t have any money to make bond. The court date is next month. I have to go and testify against him. I don’t know if I want to do that. What if he could change? He really does love me. I think he just has a problem with his temper. Couldn’t an anger management class help him? You tell me. You’re the shrink. I’m just scared that if I testify, he will come after me when he gets out. I don’t want to have to throw the rest of my life away for this. I mean, what if they have to put me in the witness protection program or something? If he just had to take an anger management course, he wouldn’t be that mad. If he has to go to jail for a long time, he will be very mad. I’m scared of what he will do to me.
Are you still thinking that I am crazy? I honestly don’t think that I am crazy. If I were truly crazy, I would have pulled the trigger. I didn’t. That should tell you something. I’m still here, and I am trying to move on with my life. I can go to work now. I don’t have to worry about calling in because of a black eye. I don’t know why I am still in Tangor. I don’t really have anything here except for my job. I guess I could move home, but then I would feel like a failure. I don’t want people to think of me in that way. I have never been a failure in my life, and I’m not going to start right now.
I know you are probably thinking that I am really trashy. I’m not. I was valedictorian of my graduating class. I was in plenty of clubs and organizations in high school. I was captain of the cheerleaders. I was also very active in church. I went to catholic school my whole life. I was a Eucharistic Minister and I was in Youth Group. I gave retreats for students that were younger than me. I just got mixed up with the wrong people. I had a full paid scholarship to any school that I wanted. I met John the summer before I was supposed to go to Stanford. I decided to move to Tangor with him. My parents were so disappointed in me. They hadn’t raised me the way they had so that I could throw all of my dreams away. I guess John always had some kind of influence over me. I don’t know what it is. He is gorgeous, but I don’t think it was his looks that won me over. There was just something about him. I can’t put my finger on it. I know I have messed up a lot in my life, but I’m working on changing that. I don’t think coming to talk to you is going to do anything for me, though. I am smart and I know what has to be done to get my life back on the right track. I don’t think I need to be talking to you. I think I need to be talking to an attorney. An attorney could give me advice about what to do about John. You can’t help me with that. You’re not really helping with too much. You’re not even talking. I am the only one doing any talking right now. What if I don’t have anything else to say? Can I start telling jokes? Maybe you would get that smug look off of your face and laugh. That would be nice. Why can’t you laugh? Do you not find humor in any of this? It’s my life, and even I can laugh about it at times. I don’t cry anymore. I am past that stage. I was always pretty immune to the physical damage that John did to me. It was more of the emotional stuff that hurt me. That saying about sticks and stones breaking bones, but words never hurting is not true at all. Sometimes words hurt more than anything in the world. I think everyone has experienced that sometime in their life. Haven’t you?
So, I’m not sure what else to say. Do you want me to tell you what I have been doing the past two months? I guess I could do that, since you have nothing to say. I could probably sit in here and sing my favorite songs, and you would just listen and not say anything. No, seriously. The past couple of months have been pretty hard. I’ve been trying to make contact with my old friends. They have all been really understanding of my situation. I have gone out to a few clubs. I really want to meet some new people, but I don’t think a nightclub is the best place to do that. Do you have any suggestions?
Oh sorry, I forgot that you don’t talk. How much do they pay you to sit here and say nothing? Maybe I’ll go to school for your job. After all the talking I have done today, I would be satisfied with just listening my whole life. Getting paid to be quiet would be so much better. Speaking of school, I am going back next month. I’m just going to the local community college here. I think I kinda blew my chances with all of my Ivy League schools. I had originally wanted to be an attorney, but I don’t think that is what I want anymore. I’m seriously thinking about becoming a shrink. Would that be possible? Are crazy people allowed to help other crazy people? I don’t think I’m crazy, but everyone else seems to think so. Anyway, back to school. I’m really looking forward to it. I will be around a lot of people, and I will be learning. Hopefully, I will be able to meet some new people. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends, but I want more than three people I can call to hang out with me.
Maybe I could even meet a guy. I’m kinda scared to meet a new guy, though. What if John finds out? He would be so mad. There’s no telling what he would do to me. Also, what if a new guy hits me? I think that I am scared to trust anyone new. Am I being stupid? I know that not all men are abusers, but what if I keep picking the bad ones?
Did I tell you that I had another brother? Philip was four years older than me. He died when I was eighteen. He had AIDS. He was a really great guy, though. If all guys were as wonderful as him, I wouldn’t be so scared. Of course, I think all the good ones must be gay. Philip was gay. I never thought badly of him because of that. He was still my big brother. We were very close. I remember my fifteenth birthday. Philip woke me up early that morning, and told me to get dressed and bring my swimsuit. We lived two hours from the beach in Destin. Philip and I drove to Destin, just the two of us, and spent the day at the beach. I’ve never had so much fun in my life. We rented a jet-ski, went parasailing, and built the best sand castle anyone has ever seen. I miss Philip so much. His boyfriend, Mike, died a year before him. I know that Philip really missed him. I hope they are together now. The day Philip died, I went driving. I ended up in Destin, and I built a sand castle just for Philip. It wasn’t as good as the one we built together, but I know he would have liked it. I wish he were still here. He is the only one who truly understood me. He always had a way of making everything better.
So many people came to Philip’s funeral. They all told us how sorry they were, but I know that they were talking about Philip behind our backs. No one in town had anything better to do. Everyone knew Philip, and they couldn’t believe when he came out of the closet. It was just so unexpected. He was captain of the football team. He always had the prettiest girlfriends. I am the only one that he told for a long time. He knew that I would understand, and that I wouldn’t judge him for it. Like I said before, he was my big brother, and nothing could come in the way of that. I just wish he were here now. He would talk to me and give me advice. He wouldn’t just sit there like you have been doing.
What is your deal? You’re supposed to be a professional here! Can you please say something?
I don’t understand why they are making me come here. This is not helping at all. I am just getting aggravated. If anyone is going to upset me, it is you! From what I hear, a shrink is supposed to talk. Shrinks are supposed to try and make everything better. All you are doing is making me even more upset. I wish I could leave, but that social worker told me that I had to stay the whole time. They must not know about you. That must be how you make your money! I have you all figured out! You try to get people even more upset than they already are. You make more money that way. They keep coming back to see you. You’re pretty slick.
Well, I’m tired of talking about myself. I’ll try something else. I am going to start talking about you. I am going to analyze you. Let me guess, you have a family at home. You and your wife have been together since high school. You never fight, because you don’t talk. Are you really this quiet at home, also? Your wife is one lucky person. She must always win the argument, because you never come back with anything. Am I getting warm? You have at least two kids, and you pray to God that they don’t turn out the way I did. You are scared though, because I was perfect when I was younger. It is possible for anything to happen, ya know? It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes. It is from the movie with Natalie Portman and Ashley Judd. I think it is called Where the Heart Is. Yeah, that’s it. In the movie Natalie Portman says, “Our lives can change with every breath we take.” How true is that? That quote really hit home with me. It seems like my life has been changing with every breath I have been taking. I look back at the way I used to be, and I can’t believe that I have become such a loser. I don’t like to think of myself that way, but it’s true. If there were a record of my life, it would be stamped with a big, red Failure. That’s what I am in everyone’s eyes. I know that I am better than that, though. I know that I have potential to be whatever I want to be. I will not let anyone ever stand in my way of that. John already messed my life up, and I will not allow anyone else to do that to me. Once is enough. Don’t ya think?
You make me feel like I am crazy. I feel like I am talking to myself. Is that what they teach you in shrink school, or whatever? I think you are the one who needs the shrink. Maybe I was wrong in my assessment of you. I think there may be a lot of things wrong in your life. I have an idea. Let’s play a role reversal game. I’ll be the psychiatrist, and you can be the patient. You can be the crazy one for a few minutes. I don’t mind being the sane one; even if it is only for a few minutes. What’s wrong, Doc? You don’t like my idea? I thought it was pretty clever. What do I know, though? I’m the crazy one. Is my time almost up? I feel like I have been in here for days. You don’t make this easy for your patients, you know?
Do you mind if I smoke in here? You have gotten me pretty nervous. I hope it’s okay. (takes out a cigarette and lights it) Ah, that is much better. I know that smoking is a bad habit. I only started a couple of years ago. John smoked like a freight train. I was always around it, so I decided to give it a try. It does help
relieve a lot of the stress. I also hear that cigarettes are an appetite suppressant, so I am scared to quit now. I don’t want to gain any weight. Sometimes, I feel like I am too prissy. Could that be a problem? I guess that I just like to look presentable. Like I said before, I am not trash. I don’t want people to think that I am, so I always worry about the way I look and how I present myself. When I was with John, I didn’t really care. All I cared about was making him love me. I just tried my hardest to make him happy. I guess it didn’t work. I am starting to understand that it isn’t my fault. I know that I am better than him; I always was. Sometimes, love blinds people to the way that others really are. I am glad that I can finally see John for what he really is.
You wanna know something, Doc? I know that I have been giving you a hard time, because you haven’t said a single word, but I think you may have helped me. You allowed me to talk everything out with myself, and I now see that it was effective. I hope you can understand that I am not crazy. I have had some tough breaks in my life, but I think they made me a stronger person. I think they made me who I am today, and I like that person. So, thank you, Doc. I’m going to go now. I hope you let the social worker know that I was very cooperative. Please tell her that I am not crazy. Thank you again. Bye. (stands up and leaves)
