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So for the last few months I have had nearly unlimited access to free Xanax whenever I want. I have managed to have pretty good self control only using 3 or 4mg a week trying to skip days if possible. Well that lasted for a little while but then I started taking them more often and well you get the idea. So this week I decided to stop take a break before it was too late. But I think it might be too late I have one of the worst headaches I have had in my life right now. Maybe its just a coincidence?

I always was very cautious with Xanax I knew it was potent and addicting but my life has just been so boring lately. I have come to realize that heroin was filling this black hole in my subconscious.That hole is filled with doubt and hate it fuels my self doubt which leads to self defeating attitude. Pot works for awhile but it makes me slow anxious and unmotivated especially since I have been on suboxone. I am just not sure why I am alive I dont do much I only leave the house 4 or 5 times a week even though I finally have a car again. Honestly I am scared It seems like the older I get the less functional I become. I am not getting back on heroin but I really need a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I know I need to change I am just not sure if I have the courage. I guess I would rather be asleep than awake.

 

I doubt sincerely that anyone will ever be capable of offering you a lasting, truly convincing, non-platitudinous reason to not kill yourself, sleep your life away, or to relapse.

The fact of the matter is, nobody seems to have this one figured out. Conversely, and somewhat paradoxically, I've found that trying to accept the fact that this world is a wretched one and that life is not worth living on its own terms has made said life just a little bit easier. I decided a long time ago that Lasting Life Satisfaction was an untenable red herring, and that my life, my existence, is far better suited to improving the lives of others in whatever small ways I can, and saying, "Fuck all the rest," even if that means denying myself a few things along the way.

At the end of the day, I strive to acquire and cultivate only those things that I can take with me to the grave - my deeds, my memories, my love.

 

At the end of the day, I strive to acquire and cultivate only those things that I can take with me to the grave - my deeds, my memories, my love.

I dig that.