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closeau

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 15, 2012
Messages
1,143
Location
Durham, N.C.
I figured the dark side would be a good place to post this. First of all im recovering alcoholic and im coming up on a year. In 10 yrs in the program ive never got a year. The problem isnt alcohol now, its opiates. Im on them for chronic pain from blood clots and took out my colon last summer. I really need them and when taken properly, they work. Well last Sept from the 2 months in hospital and my mom dying of cancer my addictivr mind took over and i started iv'ing my dilaudid. Ive stopped for times like when my mom died and thru Dec then in Jan i started again. All the same things with drinking come with this. I know my mom can see me from heaven and the guilt is ripping me up. I stopped 4 days ago and have hit 2 meetings a day so thats helping. Everytime i drift from recovery i use. Same for most people i guess. Im just in this hole in my life right now. Everything is fucked up bad. Cant live and cant die. I just wanted to get this out here on the site. I dont need detox and have been to rehab twice with minimal sucess. Anyway, thats it. Yall wish me luck. Even though ive been doing bad shit the year without drinking is really a positive thing. Alcohol took everything from me except my life and almost that. So i proud but try to temain humble. I have a grest sponser and was shocked when i told him. Def in a dark place right now so dark side suites this thread. Thanks for reading
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this closeau, that's a lot to handle. Congratulations on your one year free of alcohol!!! That is huge! I can relate, it took me seven years to finally get off the bottle myself. Even though you are on opiates you are doing well with your recovery given your situation. You didn't go back to booze for starters, and you acknowledge that you are dependent on opiates, which speak volumes to me that you are going to taken action to get your sobriety back. In my opinion, given everything that you have been through recently, you are maintaining well, even if you slipped with the opiates. I sincerely hope you consider what you have already accomplished, and what you continue to accomplish. You've figured out the hardest parts of getting clean already with the booze, so you know what you need to do to get off the opiates. If you wanted added insurance, consider hitting your doctor up for the Vivitrol shot - it works on both opiates and booze. I took it for 8 months and it really solidified my sobriety. If you can't get the shot consider naltrexone in pill form.

One last thing, though times are hard now it will get better, and become more manageable over time. Again, congratulations on your recovery from alcohol. Big hugs!
 
So you've been dry for a year - and now off your dillies for 4 days ??
4 long ass days is something to start being proud of ! It's hard when feeling ( like 4 days w/ none) - but that's still incredible ! You are past the point of " gee, I have to do something - there's a prob. here " to past the 4 hardest friggin days there are ...... Stick to your meeting regiment if that's helping so much , stick with it and you won't have to go thru these days again ! Being down , nothing like it - but it does make the eity-bity good things stand out , so look for them and crack a little smile at them any time you can !!! Tomorrow is 5 days , that is worth at least one little smile dontcha' think ?
 
closeau said:
I figured the dark side would be a good place to post this. First of all im recovering alcoholic and im coming up on a year. In 10 yrs in the program ive never got a year. The problem isnt alcohol now, its opiates. Im on them for chronic pain from blood clots and took out my colon last summer. I really need them and when taken properly, they work. Well last Sept from the 2 months in hospital and my mom dying of cancer my addictivr mind took over and i started iv'ing my dilaudid. Ive stopped for times like when my mom died and thru Dec then in Jan i started again. All the same things with drinking come with this. I know my mom can see me from heaven and the guilt is ripping me up. I stopped 4 days ago and have hit 2 meetings a day so thats helping. Everytime i drift from recovery i use. Same for most people i guess. Im just in this hole in my life right now. Everything is fucked up bad. Cant live and cant die. I just wanted to get this out here on the site. I dont need detox and have been to rehab twice with minimal sucess. Anyway, thats it. Yall wish me luck. Even though ive been doing bad shit the year without drinking is really a positive thing. Alcohol took everything from me except my life and almost that. So i proud but try to temain humble. I have a grest sponser and was shocked when i told him. Def in a dark place right now so dark side suites this thread. Thanks for reading
Click to expand...

Hiya Closeau,

I'm so sorry to hear that your Mom passed away and can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through. I don't know if you know but this section has thread devoted to bereavement where others have been through similar. I'm sorry that you've gone through chronic pain issues. I can empathise with you feeling guilty but the main thing is you are trying to get better n I imagine your Mom is looking down, proud of you for trying and not for giving up, when you so easily could do.

Congratulation on your ten years without alcohol that's an achievement and good on you for being proud of that.

Good luck on your recover you can do this.

Evey
 
Hey Closeau,

How are you doing today?
I'm feeling for you. I think it's extra hard for us pain peeps, because we need the meds to function. I think I mentioned that for the first time, I'm abusing my meds, but only because it has such an insanely low oral bioavailability. My solution was to switch drugs, because I can't continue doing this. Have you considered that? I tried, unsuccessfully, because I switched back to morphine, which made me sick this time.

I'm here for you, man.
 
Thank you all for your kind words. Means a lot. One of my mental defects is thinking nobody cares. Obviously thats not not true. I just wanna state im not off dillies i just stop shooting. The pain will be horrible if i dont take them but id have to take a days worth at one time to get an oral buzz so one 8mg doesnt affect me. If i could get high orally i never would have started shooting. Anyway, im going to a noon meeting so im keeping my schedule. Dont isolate, all the stuff i did with booze. My heart is warmed by yalls posts and thanks for having my back. Youve made my day.
 
Closeau, you've been through a lot and you are still fighting for yourself--you are much stronger than you think. Just keep building on that. Addiction always tries to trick you into thinking no one cares because it makes it easier to keep using. Sometimes you just have to call the bluff when that voice starts up in your head.<3
 
Just keep telling yourself you can do it. Thats the only thing that helped me get sober, I had to lie to myself until I actually believed I could do it. It helps..trust me.
 
Hey man I'm 26 and my mom died of cancer a few years ago. We thought she was getting better and she was working one Thursday and complained of headache so I took her to hospital turns out it was tumors in her brain and she was dead on Monday. Just like that leaving behind 4 kids me being the oldest.

I just wanted to ket u know you're not alone as I have been battling addiction for years as well. Oxy, heroin all opiates. Luckily my father kept this a secret from my mother and she never found out. Idk where I'm going with this but I just wanted to say he amazing it is that you got s year under your belt so no alcohol. That is a huge improvement and I'm sure your body is thanking you for it.

You just have to decide how yu want the rest of yur life to go. You've been around the block so there's no need to talk to you as if yur a naive 19 year old. You know you control the end game. You basically admitted you know what works or does t work with you. So now it's time to step up and take care of shit IF THAT IS TRULY WHAT YOU WANT. Only you know if you want it, and how bad u want it.
 
Thanks yall for your inspiraion. I def need it. Nygiants, im sorry about your mom. Thats the toughest. At least my mom got steadily sicker then unresonsive for a couple of days so my sisters and i could prepare, if there is such a thing. Thanks for not patronizing me. I have been round the block and know the routine. Right now its 2 meetings a day. I thought of NA but im connected in AA and have 10.5 yrs in the rooms here so like my temporary sponser said theres no reason why yoou cant substitute dilaudid for booze. I dont share about it bc it AA and i know the rules. I am going to NA meeting Sat bc my best bud is picking up 6 yrs. He has transformed his life. He went from a thieving, dispicable heroin junkie to having a family and got his job back after rehab. He be the first person to admit while hard work is essential a little bit of luck is needed. I got lucky with drinking. By the grace of God the obsession to drink has been lifted but my whole medical condition with no colon helps a lot too. I would never drink now cause it would likley kill me. I havent gotten drunk in over 2 years but last year on my bday i took just a sip of bourbon and got so sick and my ostomy bag went nuts so i spilled it out but it still counts. Ive asked many people in AA if i should pick up a chip next month or not bc of the opiate problem. Its about 50/50 but im not going to. Ive been trying 10 yrs to get that medallion but im not a big chip guy anyway so id feel better if i didnt. Thats small fries compared to my problems in my life right now. I have fear everyday im gonna get high. If i make my meetings and stay connected and use the tools ive learned ill be ok. Are you currently clean? Opiates are a bitch. I remember when i first got on them they had me on 10mg oxy and i would get so buzzed off them for awhile. Years later i couldnt get oral buzz for nothing. Now that im back on my prescribed regimn i have less pain then when i was shooting. Another thing helping was that was just bullshit. All that work and prep for a 20 sec buzz. My pain is so intense without the meds i cant walk or function. So i need them and its up to me to take them as prescibed and im fine. I have no intention of stopping them. I tried that last month and it was hell on earth. I ended up in ER. I know a lot of hardcore people would say get off them and find alternative. Well ive done that and there isnt. Anyway, im sorry again about your mom and losing her while you were young. Youve made me feel like im not alone. They have a cancer support group at hospital im gonna go check out. Im still in shock and havent begin to process it and being round others would be beneficial. Well thank you all. Sorry im so wordy but the typing is theraputic to me. Take care everyone
 
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