Well, too bad if SWIM isn't allowed, maybe I can use 'someone who isn't me', or 'someone I know', instead?
I was initially excited (in a depressed sense) that the Vicodin would be an answer. First time I used it I got dizzy and nauseous and had to resort to bed. A couple of other instances when taking it I didn't feel anything marked. I put it aside and then tried it again 1 or more years later, and I think it may have hinted minimally at euphoria, which possibly could've been more euphoria before I became clinically depressed. Vicodin made me excited since I had read about buprenorphine and its unique effect on some with treatment resistant depression. Btw, those who say of course hard drugs make you feel better. That's nonsense, with clinical depression what normally makes you feel good may have no effect, including drugs. That's why cocaine made me feel emotionally closer to normal, rather than high (non depressed people seem rather high to me). The effect reminded me more of days pre-depression than of an out of the ordinary high.
I guess the dose must have been 500/5 acetaminophen/hydrocodone. I took up to 1 and 1/2 tablets. A reason why it didn't work could be that my depression has been pretty severe. Maybe a stronger opiate would've had a more pronounced positive effect, or maybe made me feel even worse. My depression is of 'dead' type though, and maybe that's why stimulants work better. Even during a fire, even though I felt bodily dread, it still felt challenging to make decisions and to act, which increased the underlying sense of panic. So on one hand I may feel great fear, on the other unable to fully act on it. It's as if all proactive tasks require a manual effort to do. Thus I don't go out unless, presumably there's a need for dopamine, such as when to buy sweets, or other limited things, such as getting something done that's been on my mind (presumably releasing a bit dopamine from the reward of getting it out of the way). On that note, I may not go to a doctor's appointment, but will go to lengths just to buy some sweets even in the middle of the night. Specific sweets at it, presumably that have been associated with reward due to the positive flavor accompanying the sweet taste. If I wasn't able to get snacks though, anything sweet sugary would probably do. Sometimes salty snacks work, such as potato chips or salted peanuts. But what's interesting is these cravings kick in at specific times, usually soon after waking up, or later in the evenings. Wondering if day light or other day time distractions may supply the dopamine in between. Possibly even artificial sweeteners would work also, by triggering the same pathways.
I also suspect missing doctors appointments and other 'chores' is so easy because there's no experience of reward without external supplies, like sweets, stimulants, sometimes alcohol and other limited things, but even so the sense of reward makes them barely worthwhile, and part of it is the attached positive feeling from knowing that something may actually work, if even a just bit. Since all of them are limited in what they can do even coke feels only so worthwhile to have, mainly because the effect is ridiculously short lasting, thus the dopamine release is counteracted by the negative feeling from anticipating a return of the depressive state, along with the knowledge that using coke is expensive and risky. But clearly since I still remember the effect, it means it was good enough to be on the short list. The sugar cravings could also be part sugar addiction. Sometimes when not eating sweets for a while, I wouldn't particularly miss it, suggesting the dopamine release may be from satisfying a non-innate craving, much like nicotine doesn't do much unless you're already nicotine dependent, in which case using nicotine triggers a sense of reward/dopamine release. Or it could be since these sweet cravings keep returning, the sugar addiction is secondary to their dopamine increasing effect.
The coke experience could be likened to taking aspiring during the flu, but just enough to reduce the flu symptoms rather than eliminating them. Not sure if a bigger dose of coke would have increased the antidepressant effect, or merely exaggerated the sense of activeness, while leaving other parts untouched, especially if we assume that mental well-being is not strictly related to dopamine. Maybe being low on dopamine could be analogous to being low on insulin, in that some just suffer from it. I saw symptoms even as a kid such as often having a general sense of gloom, feeling significantly different based on if the weather was sunny vs cloudy (cloudy days would often feel gloomy, or eerie, as opposed to just less bright), social discomforts, having a regular need for sweets/snacks, and possibly became clinically depressed later as a result of it.
I had to come to bluelight to discuss these thoughts. You would think a specialist in psychiatric conditions, namely a psychiatrist would be the perfect one to discuss and clear these things out with. Unfortunately, the average psychiatrist today knows mainly two things: everything mood related boils down to low serotonin, while everything else boils down to dopamine. Take anxiety, which is robustly counteracted by benzodiazepines which work on gaba, is now also attributed to low serotonin thus ssri are first line meds for anxiety disorders
. Not sure where they got low serotonin being the problem behind a vast amount of mental conditions, whether from Pfizer or lily's.Wonder how many of these conclusions were derived from double blind clinical trials, vs anecdotal observations, in which case placebo hasn't been accounted for. Placebo control is always a part of serious treatment studies. If we should go by anecdotes, many more anecdotes point to cocaine, alcohol and opiates strongly reducing psychological symptoms. Since psychiatric professionals go by anecdotes, why shouldn't we.
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