doomed to the junkie life?

[alphabetcity]

Hi all, I've relapsed and am scared and confused as which way to turn. I decided I should share a bit of my current experience with you all, in hopes that I may exorcise my fears and thoughts through writing.

A little background on myself: I'm 24 and have been using heroin off/on for the past 4 years. Been in and out of rehabs, outpatients, halfway houses, AA and mental health treatments (inpatient & outpatient) for just as long. I just can't seem to break this self-destructive cycle that I am in. As I write this I am in a treatment program for both mental health and chemical addictions.

Although I haven't used heroin in months, I haven't exactly been clean either. On a near weekly basis I've been using some sort of chemical, whether it be kratom, hydros, mxe or 6-apb. I seem to be unable to stay clean for longer than a week and I fear that a return to heroin is inevitable. Thus rendering my treatment all the more null and void than it has all ready become with my repeated relapses.

A few weeks ago I used mxe and came to a startling conclusion that I will be and always have been a sort of "junkie bug," a parasite if you will. Although at the time of the experience, I shrugged it off and accepted it as a sort of fate. When I came down, I began to panic and become very suicidal which ended me up in the psych hospital once again.

I feel like I've exhausted all avenues in terms of sobriety and thrown away all opportunities given to me. I've come to a conclusion that if I stay off of heroin, I'll be all right. Although that doesn't seem to be working for me thus far. Maybe I am a rare few that just cannot remain sober, maybe I am doomed to remain a junkie bug.

I apologize if this has been rambling non-sense, I just needed to tell someone what I've been going through.

 

[Effuzion]

No one's doomed to be a junkie. It's something you have control over even if it doesn't feel like it all the time.

Go to AA or NA if you really have tried everything else. I recommend AA; NA meetings are sketchy, at least where I used to live. At AA meetings just say "alcohol" instead of "heroin" when you're in front of a group, although I'm sure you will meet some heroin addicts even in AA. Most younger guys in the meetings were into the harder drugs because it's damn near impossible to be a true alcoholic at that age.

 

[Pagey]

I agree with Effuzion - you're not doomed to be anything you don't want to be. The problem with AA, NA and the like is that one of the things they tell you is that you are powerless to your addiction and must, in a way, surrender to it. This might work for some people but I personally strongly disagree with that and actually find it counter-productive. This is your life, your mind, your impulses, and although it's very, very hard to control something as powerful as a drug addiction, YOU'RE the one who's in control of it and you're the only one who can stop yourself. Just remember that, your life is what you make of it.

 

[Effuzion]

You don't have to agree with AA (I don't) to go there and meet people you know are going to be sober and working towards the same thing as you.

It's more of a last resort than anything. No one ever wants to join a program like AA, but if you have to in order to make a change I can't blame you.

 

[Pagey]

I wasn't trying to say NA isn't worth it for some people, sorry if it came off that way. I went to a few meetings last year and the sponsor system really worked for me. I was just trying to emphasize that their specific 'rule' that you need to surrender to your addiction may not be the best thing.

 

[Get2Think]

Man can I relate to how your feeling. Pagey is right, ultimately it is our choice to reach out for help or not. The problem is we are so impulsive and our brains are still telling us that the drugs are serving us benefically in some way, which isn't true. Unfortinitly there is not cure for addiction and I've had to admit I'm powerless over drugs and alcohol...well....because I am. My record proves it. I'm sure you didn't choose to end up in rehabs and halfway houses etc. so if you think you can just choose to stop using I think you'll find with addiction, addicts, and hard-drugs, it's soooooo much harder than that. For addicts there has to be so much support and consequences from using before staying clean happens. Basically using heroin had to be more horrible than fun. I had to hit rock bottom before I got clean and even now (4 months) I worry about falling back into that trap.

It sounds like you've hit rock bottom and are tired of living this way. So heres what I did. I made sure I couldn't get any drugs even if I wanted too. I gave suboxone a try while I was going to AA and working the steps and trying to find ways of coping with lifes isssues. I started exercising/eating/and sleeping regularly. I also reached out to God and said look, I have this problem, and I can't fix it, I need you to. And he did. Not in the sense that I'm cured, just that he's showing me a different (much better) way to live without alcohol or any drugs. And it's been so hard, just yesterday I caved and took some xanax because I had that intense craving. But I woke up today and told myself that I would try better today and that I didn't need xanax or any other drug to live a good life.

The sad fact is that I live with this disease everyday. its with me when i wake up, its with me when i go to bed. It's with me when im very happy and its with me when im very sad. While I'm away from it, it's doing pushups and getting stronger. This is the only disease that tells us that we don't have a disease. And I know it's a disease because I can tell myself over and over again that I will not drink/use today and then an hour later I'm drunk/high thinking to myself, what happened. I know for me, I mostly use because Im worried about something and I feel that a drink or drug in my system would make that thing more managable. Once I get the idea into my head, it's like I HAVE to act it out. which isn't true, but it's why i consider myself an addict, I do stuff even though I don't want to. It's what we addicts do, we use despite negative consequences. We believe that we are getting relief from our drugs.alcohol when really they are just stabbing us in the back. Its such a bittersweet relationship. I wish there was a cure, but all that im able to do is try and manage this. I wish u the best luck and if u reach out to others for help and do what they say, and ask god for help, you might have a chance at not being a "junkie bug" the rest of your life. Thats my opinion anyway.

 

[fifleman]

The real question is: do you really want to quit drugs? Yes or no. Answer this and be content with your honesty to yourself.

 

[jaspersilence]

Every addict thinks this way at one point.I'm going to be 100% honest with you friend.The only way for true salvation is through God.You or any other human cannot achieve peace without help from the creator.Most christians like me are ridiculed,and made fun of when we bring up God or Jesus,but It states in the prophecy that this is so,because most people want to be the one in control of their own life.YOU ARE NOT!No one is.If you don't want to relapse,try prayer.That is the answer my friend.Let it go,give it to God,and he will lead you home.

 

[Pagey]

^I don't think you should be saying that, no offense. I entirely respect your beliefs and opinions, but I also think OP shouldn't be told there is only 'one' way to help himself, especially when that way is a matter of specific faith. What has worked for one person will not work for all

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

Every addict thinks this way at one point.I'm going to be 100% honest with you friend.The only way for true salvation is through God.You or any other human cannot achieve peace without help from the creator.Most christians like me are ridiculed,and made fun of when we bring up God or Jesus,but It states in the prophecy that this is so,because most people want to be the one in control of their own life.YOU ARE NOT!No one is.If you don't want to relapse,try prayer.That is the answer my friend.Let it go,give it to God,and he will lead you home.

Jasper, religion is no for every addict. But I admit that it does save some. Just don't make it out to be the on ly way

 

[Get2Think]

Warning: Atheists this post will be of no interest to you, feel free to pass this one by. To everyone else, this is aimed at agnostics, believers, and those open to hearing about The Bible, Jesus, & God.

God is the great redeemer. He changes broken lives everyday for his Glory because he loves us. What has worked for me was a "spiritual awakening" and total reliance on God to remove the phenomena on craving which kept ruining my life. I agree that Christians ought to be sensitive towards others beliefs, but I would be doing the TC a disservice if I didn't emphasize how difficult it is to overcome addiction permanently without having a higher power to lean on. However, I know there are addicts who have been able to quit without any higher power, and I know there are also those who choose not to believe in anything other than this materialistic world. But for me, it wasn't until I realized I was powerless over addiction that the truth began to emerge. The truth that I couldn't stay sober, so either I was screwed and hopeless for life, or there had to be someone, something, or someway stronger than my desire to use/drink. For me that is the Lord Jesus Christ, he broke the chains around my ankles and gave me a new purpose in life. I now share my testimony with other struggling addicts and encourage them to give God a chance before they write themselves off as hopeless. That doesn't mean everything is easy now and that I've got it all figured out, not at all. But I have felt a new joy, peace, and love like never before. I no longer think about myself every waking moment of the day. I care about others now, which was totally foreign to me before. TC if you find at the end of the day you are unable to escape the evil cycle of drugs/drinking, ask Gods help and I promise you he will hear you and help you. All thats required is an open mind and a willingness to be changed.

Change is a process, and I'm slowly but surely becoming less and less like my addict self, and more and more like a saint and force for good in a world filled to the brim with evil.

 

[alphabetcity]

The real question is: do you really want to quit drugs? Yes or no. Answer this and be content with your honesty to yourself.

yes, i do.

and as for religion, I don't believe that is what will "save" me. I don't believe that I need saving. I'd just like to break this cycle of self-destruction I've built for myself. Although I've tried AA\NA maybe I just never fully tried it, if that makes sense.

 

[fifleman]

Read my reply to Mother of Earth's thread.

Make that decision internally (to quit drugs) and let your actions enforce it externally. Don't let the mind set future instances where you "might" do this or that. Live moment to moment and do whatever it takes to not go down that path of using.

Don't sell the farm on AA/NA. Your own path in sobriety is yours and yours only. Mine includes a couple AA meetings, but I by no means am fully invested in AA or set my entire sobriety up through AA. I have a plethora of resources from my parents to a weekly counselor to Buddhism to the gym to every moment. The main thing is that I am learning how to live from all of them.

You can create your own path and the beautiful thing is that it only has to fit you. You will find it when you are ready, I promise. I didn't know when I would be ready or if I would ever find it, but I did and it was a change I could feel internally.

 

[jaspersilence]

yes, i do.

and as for religion, I don't believe that is what will "save" me. I don't believe that I need saving. I'd just like to break this cycle of self-destruction I've built for myself. Although I've tried AA\NA maybe I just never fully tried it, if that makes sense.

Do they not tell you to find a higher power in those courses???Please just try praying...once...Keep your eyes open for the signs...I wish you a healthy clean life my friend.

 

[tackyspiral]

i think that every "junkie" feels that they are "doomed" to the junkie life at some point or another - I know I have! however there is always hope... granted when people used to tell me that i never believed them either!

 

[Pagey]

yes, i do.

and as for religion, I don't believe that is what will "save" me. I don't believe that I need saving. I'd just like to break this cycle of self-destruction I've built for myself. Although I've tried AA\NA maybe I just never fully tried it, if that makes sense.

I think the idea that you don't need saving is a good state of mind to be in. You could go to NA simply for the sponsor system without necessarily agreeing with all the other things - I thought that was extremely helpful. Having someone to call whenever you feel like using makes a massive difference.
Just remember that you're the only one standing in your path to get clean. Personally when I'm trying to get off a drug, something that really helps me every time I'm about to relapse is to just project myself a bit into the future - like, in a few hours, once the drug wears off, I'm going to feel so horrible about myself & so guilty...is it really worth it? Considering how proud of myself I'll be if I manage to fight the craving? I really think it helps to reason like that.

Do they not tell you to find a higher power in those courses???Please just try praying...once...Keep your eyes open for the signs...I wish you a healthy clean life my friend.

As I said, I entirely respect your faith, but religion really isn't for anyone and I don't think there's much point in trying to convince him that he'll find help through God if that's not what he believes. I quit various addictions through faith in myself and nothing else

 

[Crashing]

every addict thinks this way at one point.i'm going to be 100% honest with you friend.the only way for true salvation is through god.you or any other human cannot achieve peace without help from the creator.most christians like me are ridiculed,and made fun of when we bring up god or jesus,but it states in the prophecy that this is so,because most people want to be the one in control of their own life.you are not!no one is.if you don't want to relapse,try prayer.that is the answer my friend.let it go,give it to god,and he will lead you home.

gtfo. i mean, my fucking ass, dude.

 

[hefe1313]

Every addict thinks this way at one point.I'm going to be 100% honest with you friend.The only way for true salvation is through God.You or any other human cannot achieve peace without help from the creator.Most christians like me are ridiculed,and made fun of when we bring up God or Jesus,but It states in the prophecy that this is so,because most people want to be the one in control of their own life.YOU ARE NOT!No one is.If you don't want to relapse,try prayer.That is the answer my friend.Let it go,give it to God,and he will lead you home.

 

[jaspersilence]

Yes,I suppose it is my opinion...Good luck alphabetcity...If you agree with me someday,P.M me.We can avoid insignificant chime ins...I'd love to help.

 

[lonewolf05]

Each person has power over his or her actions. Don't ever believe otherwise. If you want to beat your addiction you definitely can. You may require some help, but don't ever feel powerless against your addiction.