Don't know how to cope with traumatizing psych ward experience

[milfhunter]

Hello BL

I'll skip the introductions and long background stories (although I can give them if someone's interested) and immediately cut to the chase.

About 16 months ago, my parents and their GP put me in the psych ward because of my alcohol problems. This happened not once, but twice in one month. Luckily I only stayed there for two-three days each.

Now, I never was a fully dependent alcohol addict who needed his drink just to avoid the DT's and tremor, but I have to admit that I was definitely a problematic drinker and perhaps even a psychologically dependent drinker.

But the way people (= my parents (Mom especially), GP, shrinks and nurses) treated me there was just an outrage.
All of them treated me like I was scum, a liar, a problem case, like I was bound to end up in the gutter, an alcoholic who'd never amount to anything in his life.

A few examples:
- I wanted to leave that place as soon as I could because 1: I'm only comfortable sleeping in my own house and 2: well, it's the psych ward, you really think I want to stay there? Anyway, when I told them I wanted to leave, all of the nurses and doctors tried so hard to keep me there, I felt -and still feel- like they were getting paid depending on how many people were staying there. One nurse even told me: "OK, you can go, there's a bar just down the street, we'll come pick you up there tonight".

- My Mom told the doctors that I often woke up at night, only to get my dose of alcohol in me. This NEVER happened! Can you imagine how many alarm bells went off in the docs' heads? And who are they going to believe? The sad lying alcholic or his 55-year old Mom who loves him so much and was probably crying while telling them those lies?

- A few weeks after the events, I was at my GP and he was reading the report the shrink at the ward wrote about me. It said that I told him I sometimes used "trazodone" as a sleeping aid. I had never heard of this "trazodone" before. First thing I did when I came home from the GP, was look up what it was. Doesn't ring a bell. And although it's true, I sometimes used sleeping aids like benzo's and seroquel, I had never used trazodone. Why would they write lies about me?!

- By the way, everything you say to them, is automatically a lie in their book because you're just the lying alcoholic in the denial phase.

- Docs don't know shit about some things. Like when I told them that I often used ghb, which has become a pretty mainstream drug, right now which they should know about, right, since it's their "specialty" in treating addiction? Well, believe it or not, but I had to explain to them what it was exactly. And then one of the doctors finally told me: "oooh you mean liquid xtc?" Haha wow, that's just the name the media give it to add some sensation to their stories, you dumbwit. Ghb has nothing to do with xtc, they even fall within two different categories of drugs!

- Why I got home, my Mom used this whole experience to blackmail me emotionally. She'd say things like: "Promise me you'll never make your Mom so unhappy again, you'll never put her through so much pain again", things like that. Not once did she mention alcoholism. All of this was only me trying to hurt her and trying to make my Mom who did everyting for me so unhappy.
When I would get drunk (I didn't immediately stop drinking), she'd threaten me saying things like: "We're going to put you in the psych ward again, and this time, it'll be for a while", the same way a Mom threatens to send her bad kids to boarding school.

When I got home from the psych ward, looking back angrily at the events, I thought that I was just a sad alcoholic in the denial phase, and that shortly, I would realise that these people were only trying to help me.

But now, 16 months later, keep in mind that I haven't drunk anything for almost a year now and that I'm a respectable high school teacher now, I still loathe that whole experience and I still hate my parents for putting me there, and I still hate those nurses mocking me and the shrinks writing lies about me, and my Mom using this whole experience to blackmail me emotionally.

Now, the reason I write this, is to get it off my chest in the first place. But I also want to ask you how I can give these events a place in my life. I mean, is it normal that after 16 months, I still feel such anger towards all those people and everything that happened? Shouldn't I have come to terms with it by now?

I was thinking of going to a shrink with this, maybe he can help me. Do you think that's a good idea, or will that just be pouring salt on an old wound?

Thanks!

 

[stardust.hero]

Wow . Serious congradtulations to you for staying clean and for making something of yourself! A School teacher . Your story was heartbreaking and scary to say the least but I am so happy it had that little spark of goodness at the end.

I don't particularly know how to tell you to file those terrible experiences away in your brain. Just keep moving forward. You've shown everyone they were wrong and they cannot beat you or guilt trip you any more or force you into submission by admitting you into a psych ward. You are a strong free person who is destined to be happy and great.

Hopefully with time these things will settle in your brain and fade to the background and more happy things like relationships, social engagements, jobs, and your new life flush it out.

Not all shrinks and doctors are bad. It is your life to control. If you visit one and you feel even an ounce of distrust occurring in your head, cut them off. Naturally there are just good and bad people in the world. I think a psychiatrist can be beneficial to you. Just know you have the choice and the judgement now to decide on whether they deserve to work for you. I'd say give it a try.

 

[herbavore]

I think that the best thing you could do for yourself is to get therapy for the specific purpose of diffusing the power this situation has over you. It's like an octopus with many tentacles: your powerlessness in general, the complicated part with your mother, the complicity of a doctor and the total disregard of staff in the ward (what kind of psychiatric nurse says, "there's a bar down the street"??)

If it were me, I would request my medical records, read them, let the feelings come up and then write to the hospital administration, doctor, staff etc. You can write many drafts and many letters and you don't have to send any of them. The point is to express the outrage you feel about what happened. You can do the same with your family. Write the letters but don't send them. Maybe even take them to your therapist and use them to delve into the feelings so that you can get some perspective. At some point, you will have to confront this experience with your mother if you are to have any kind of decent relationship in the future. Your mother may not even realize that what she was doing was emotional blackmail. In her mind she may rationalize everything she did as saving you.

The end goal is forgiveness. There are many self-help books out on forgiveness that might be useful to you. Forgiveness is often misunderstood as excusing the wrongdoing of someone else for the benefit of making peace or simply being altruistic. Forgiveness is actually self-healing. It means not continuing to live under the weight of trauma caused by someone else that happened in the past. It is for you so that you can move on and leave the experience in the past. Forgiveness does involve seeing the other person's perspective but not at the expense of your own. I think that a therapist could help you immensely with this. It isn't pouring salt in a wound at all--it is reopening a wound that won't heal so that you can get it properly cleaned out and stitched up in order for natural healing to take place with time. Good luck and congratulations on everything you have achieved despite this.

 

[3dmusic]

I think you have been badly let down by your professionals and your mum.
Sorry to say this, but your mum sounds a bit narcissistic.
My mum is similar and the only thing that helps is distance.
I congratulate you on getting over alchohol.

 

[T. Calderone]

One thing you mentioned was the pysch hospitals seem to be in it for the money. The last place they sent me, it was obvious. I'm in Florida and people were being bussed in from Maryland, Pennsylvania and other states I forgot. All paid for by insurance. Once they have you admitted, you're stuck there at the doctor's mercy. My first night there, they ran out of space. It was so chaotic with patients at the counter just asking for their clothes and an assigned room. The staff would start screaming "Shut up and go to the dayroom and we'll get to you" So they told me I had to go to another floor, the "Pride Ward" for lack of beds.

What a difference. It was completely quiet. I only saw one other patient. I asked the next morning if I could remain there, but they couldn't because I wasn't gay,lesbian, bi or transgender. One thing that really bothered me was the lack of time the actual doctor spent with me. I explained I needed to go home and accidently took too much blood pressure medicine. I was not suicidal. This man was asking me about the "voices" which I had none at all! He kept telling me, ok, tomorrow you can go home. But tomorrow I got the same shit. I had to take a proactive approach and went back into his office which pissed him off. It was a Friday and they never discharge over the weekend. I wasn't about to stay another 3 days and told him I would lose my job if I missed another day.

I'd rather jail than psych ward any day. The hospital, you can't sleep because every 30 minutes they open the door, shine the flashlight around the room try to get back to sleep and wake you up again and again. Then make you get up at 6 am for vitals, forced breakfast even if you don't want to eat. Then the whole day of group therapy, sitting in the dayroom and meetings. At least in jail, though it's dirty they leave you alone.

I forgot to ask if you were a minor when your mom had you locked up. I'm struggling with drinking and pleased you were able to quit. That is a major accomplishment!

 

[Pagey]

It's absolutely normal for you to still be so upset and angry about it, that sounds like a truly horrible experience and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. It's fantastic you're now sober and leading a normal life and I hope your parents realize that and realize the mistake they made. Sadly psych wards seem to be the experts at dehumanizing people and treating them all like walking illnesses rather than actual individuals with a history and problems. Maybe talking about all this with a therapist could help?

 

[DoctorJC]

I agree with what everyone else has said. First off, kudos on managing your drinking so well despite all the stressors. And the unfortunate truth is, as Peggy noted is that psych wards typically do more harm than good, at least in my experience. In certain cases where schizophrenic or truly mentally detached need to be stabilized and medicated they can do some good, but in most cases of alcoholics/addicts and people with depression and anxiety issues, psych wards seem to only do harm. They are a very stressful and unwelcoming environment for the most part. You're forced into a facility with complete strangers, some of whom are experiencing complete mental disintegration, and the hospital staff and your family look at you like a monster when you say you want to leave. I was on a ward over a year ago and still have mild PTSD symptoms from seeing a patient die (EPS which lead to an allergic reaction, causing his throat to swell shut, from a shot of Haldol). Don't ever let someone try and hold that experience against you. While many people may judge you for it, plenty will understand, especially if you want to look into seeing a therapist about it, even an IOP or standard outpatient group. It's nice to find a group of people who understand where you've been. If money is an issue, I'm not always their biggest fan, but AA and NA have helped me in the past.

 

[JessFR]

I think you have been badly let down by your professionals and your mum.
Sorry to say this, but your mum sounds a bit narcissistic.
My mum is similar and the only thing that helps is distance.
I congratulate you on getting over alchohol.

Key word definitely is distance, not just the experience but from her too.

I love my mother but living with her was gonna wind up killing one of us, she sent me to a psych hospital too.

Psych hospitals, especially public ones (i.e. free or close to free) are horrible places. Holding someone down and sticking a needle in their arm to sedate them against their will is something I'd count as one of the worst things someone can do to a person (short of even more unspeakably evil things I won't mention).

I hope I'm not repeating stuff you already know, and things differ in different countries. Here psych hospitals are now requires to put up banners explaining your rights as an involuntary inpatient. Stuff like the right to have an advocate of your choice outside the medical establishment.

My advice for the future pretty much is to just remain as apparently 'sane' and non-hostile and demand second opinions to show that you're rational and not a threat to yourself or others and there's no grounds for holding you against their will. You're right though, shrinks are often extremely corrupt and use their position as apparent authority to bully people around. A lawyer might be a good idea too. In most places only a legal order can hold you against your will.

Staying well away from your mother sounds like a good idea too.

As for dealing with the trauma. I don't have much advice. I've never really sought help for the things that have traumatized me. I don't trust psychs. But I can say that I'm confident it gets better with time. I think that thinking about the stuff that hurts you, while it hurts to think about, does help process it and come to terms with it. There's only so much self doubt and questioning of your own actions you can do before you just start to accept that what happened, just happened.

I hope any of the helps and I'm sorry of it doesn't. Know that I wish you luck. And good job staying sober. And smart idea keeping your own records.