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⫸STICKY⫷ Domestic Violence FAQ

mollieollieoi said:
i'd like to put this out there, i'm a former victim as well as trained in handling and helping victims of domestic violence cope and understand their situation. i also used to work on a DV hotline. so if anyone needs assistance or just someone to talk to that understands, i'm more than up for talking with you. please feel free to contact me at any time!
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fatallyflawed said:
Domestic Violence is a serious problem........and one that someone generally never cries out for help. There are statistics that suggest over 32 million of American's have experienced Domestic Violence (DV), that's over 10% of USA's population.

While Bluelight may be more aimed towards drug harm reduction, DV is generally associated with drug abuse and/or mental illnesses in one aspect or another. One of the general problems with DV is that it is commonly associated with physical violence, when truly, that is barely even the tip of the sword.

In DV, it's ALL ABOUT CONTROL! The abusers need for control over his/her victim can stem from many different aspects; past abuse problems, drug problems, mental illness, but no matter what, the game they play is not acceptable.

It needs to be noted, a mental illness does NOT make someone an abuser or more likely to abuse. Bipolar Depressants actually have a tendency to become victims of abuse as the mental condition can make them a bit more submissive.

While the most common gender is women (whom with recent studies, have shown to only be 3x more likely to be the victims as opposed to reports from 1970's when males where scared to report or their reports were not taken seriously) it is most definitely important to note that DV knows NO GENDER!

Also, DV is not only between a male and female partner. It also is child abuse and can occur between homosexual couples. In fact, male-male couples are several times more likely than a heterosexual couple to have some form of DV.

There are different forms of abuse; physical, emotional, sexual, use of economic depression, intimidation,stalking, and even neglect.


PHYSICAL- Self explanatory, kicking,punching,biting,scratching. Any form of physical aggression.

EMOTIONAL- This abuse is where the abuser gains true control over their victim. Embarrassing them publicly, name calling, cutting off their ties to family and friends, clothes they may or may not wear. This also includes the withholding of love. It is indeed common for abusers to "deny" love to someone whom should so deserve it (husband/wife or a child) With the abuser constantly denying affection, it makes the victim strive harder to please the abuser, while further driving down self esteem.

Neglect also falls into this category.

SEXUAL- Any situation in which force is used to obtain participation in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity constitutes sexual abuse. Rape is apart of this stigma, but is not the only form. Partners who have been sexually abused are more likely to be murdered by their abuser than a victim whom has not been.

It NEEDS to be made clear that rape or any form of sexual abuse is NOT gender specific, both males and females can be raped!

ECONOMIC DEPRESSION- By completely controlling their victims money, either by taking their entire paycheck or by not permitting them to work, this makes yet another form of dependence for the victim's abuser.

STALKING- This is a form of psychological fear the abuser uses to exhort control by making the victim afraid to carry out a normal life. PLEASE TAKE STALKING SERIOUSLY!! This tends to lead to drastic physical consequences, like death!!

Abusers tend to act as normal people when first encountering them. A sign you may be becoming involved with a abuser is a quick push for involvement or "love at first sight". If your new found partner has a past of domestic violence, it is most likely best for you to walk away, as domestic violence is not situational, it carries from one abusive relationship to the next. If they have constant uncontrolable mood swings and blame your actions for it, that is another sign of a abusive partner. If they become obsessed with where you are at all times and claim it's for your safety, that too is just them trying to dictate your every move. As they start to cut you off slowly from friends and family, it is their way of increasing your dependence on them as a supporter, trying to make it much more difficult for the victim to leave.

There is a cycle that tends to happen and recirculate in a domestically violent relationship also known as the "cycle of abuse". Even if the abuser and victim no longer live together, the cycle still can continue through other forms of abuse like stalking. Even after separation, the victim may still experience this cycle even without her abuser around anymore as a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Honeymoon Phase
Characterized by affection, apology, and apparent end of violence. During this stage the batterer feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness. Some batterers walk away from the situation, while others shower their victims with love and affection.

Tension Building Phase
Characterized by poor communication, tension, fear of causing outbursts. During this stage the victims try to calm the batterer down, to avoid any major violent confrontations.

Acting-out Phase
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the batterer attempts to dominate his/her partner(victim), with the use of domestic violence.

Signs of a abuser

1. Unemployed or Underemployment. Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon

2. Emotional Dependency. Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

3. High Investment in Marriage. Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.

5. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.

6. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says their angry when you're "late" because they "care." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.

7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes them to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

8. Abusive Family of Origin. Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. They sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

9. Low Self-Esteem. Guards their fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.

10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. They may deny their drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change them or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. They may say they're "hurt" and sulk when their really angry. They displaces anger at their boss or themselves onto you.

12. Blames Others for their Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get them and their the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for their suicidal or self-abusive behavior.

13. Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change their behavior around the guys/gals. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

15. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to their ideals of a perfect partner, mother, father, lover, friend.


16. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

17. Emotional Abuse. They may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

18. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. They'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

19. Reliance on Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and abusers who sexually abuse or rape their partners often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.

20. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.

21. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).

22. Past Violence. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

23. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.

24. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."

25. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."

26. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

You do not need all these signs to be a abuser, nor does ONE sign equal a abuser. If they have a majority of these signs then the case is more than likely a abuser.

Also of note, the BOLD signs are th ones of DEATHLY CONSEQUENCES! If in those cases they have one sign, your chances of violence are dramatically increased, further if seperation is occured, your chances of death are MORE increased! Use caution in these cases!


Signs of a victim

-Low self esteem, may not like themselves very much. Places low values on their own feelings and needs
-Has difficulties setting limits. Tries to become a "Superperson" in order to please the abuser.
-Believes the abuser will change
-Blames themselves for the abuse
-Isolated and kept away from friends
-Denies the extent of the problem
-May make constant unexplained trips to the ER, "falling down stairs" etc etc
-Wears long sleeves clothing when it is inappropriate, to cover up bruising

If you suspect you are someone you love may be a victim, there are ways to get help. Try reaching out to family and loved ones. There are numerous shelters in place these days to help victims, Safe Nestt or Safe House being a couple of the big ones. Because of the information on domestic violence now a days, they do accept male clients as well.

It is also important to go to your local court house and apply for a restraining order. If you have anything like threatening notes, voicemails , even pictures from a prior incident, please take them. If you feel your life is endangered in any way they usually will grant you one. Remember, domestic violence is not only physical, it's through intimidation. Think about things you may need to help you survive. If you have kids with your abuser, most TPO's allow you to file for temporary custody. TPO's will also order the abuser to not shut off your utilities, or to not make ANY contact with you what-so-ever!

A restraining order does not take effect till the other person is served and it was first signed by a judge. It is also important to note, that after it is signed, there is a hearing held within 30 days to determine if the restraining order should be extended or dissolved. Your abuser will have the legal right to be there, so it is ok to bring moral support.


A Story From The Author Of This FAQ

I feel one of the best things for this FAQ is to help shed some light on how troubling being a victim to DV can be for a victim, and how important it is for others to help look for the signs in their friends and loved ones to help see if they are victims to abuse.

I am a male, father of 2 children, and a victim to a physically, emotionaly and even sexually abusive partner. For many years, I had no control in my life. I was constantly accused of having affairs, even though I caught my abuser in 4 affairs, and that was just the ones I had the proof on.

Many times, events in life where often put onto me, or things where my fault, her poor peformance at work, why she was an inattentive lover, or anything....it always in the mind of my abuser was somehow my fault. And it carried over into everything I did, I tried being overly controling in things I did, cause I had no control in my own life. I got angry back cause I was always yelled at. Because I was blamed for everything.

The sad part about being a victim, is I belived it.....EVERY word! I figured if I was a better husband, a better father I could fix her anger, help her stop having affairs and help her be a better mother. And the sad truth is you just can NOT fix abuser, only they can fix themselves. And anytime I tried to stand up for myself, it usually would result in violence towards me.

And the abuse spilled over to my children. They were continuously neglected and abused. They were very sheltered and timid girls....till the day I stopped it....

She came home after two days of not being home and no contact, and what was worse, when she was home she payed no mind to my kids. When she came home, I FINALLY told her to leave and not come back, and was viciously assaulted for it, I have a scar on my arm to remind me of the attack. I called 911 and when the police came, they found me bruised and beaten. But she had one bruise on her arm from me defending myself and the laws on DV are clear....we BOTH went to jail and I lost my kids. =-(

I filed fo divorce and a restraining order and fought hard to get my children back, and am pleased to say I was awarded primary custody of my children. I can not say how MUCH the TPO helped me break the cycle of abuse with counseling and support from my friends and family. It's very hard to break the abuse cycle, and mine did everything, reestablished contact with a TPO in place, shut utilities off, and mad my life hell. But once I broke free off the cycle, I regained a huge part of myself. And my children even benefitted from it, they are strong, social, and my daughter is even the star student in school. They are n longer the scared children they once were cause they know they are safe living with me.

So please watch your family and loved ones. They may not know where to get the help from. But they will normally be to afraid to speak up for themselves. My case was not the worse, but if you look for the signs and watch out, you just may save a life!

Fatally Flawed (aka Pullstring)
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This was an incredibly insightful and accurate post! It’s fascinating how our experiences are so similar, especially considering you’re a man. I had no idea that female abusers are literally the same as their male counterparts. Thank you so much for sharing this. And I’m thrilled that you have full custody of your babies! Our children are literally everything and deserve to be nurtured as well as protected at any cost. I’m so glad they’re safe and happy with dad 💙
 
Hey everyone! I wanted to take a moment and introduce myself here. If you don’t already know me, I’m Shordie, a person in long-term recovery from drug abuse. Once upon a time, I was a stripper, then a porn star, then merely a homeless junkie. I turned my life around and now 4 years later I’m a wife and mother of 2, and an overall normal functioning and productive member of society.

Before i was with the father of my children, I was in two abusive relationships, back to back. One of them nearly killed me. I am so fortunate, being one of the lucky ones who left and didn’t look back. If there’s one thing I’d like to do in gratitude, it’s help someone out who is now where I used to be. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, my inbox is open 24/7. I’ve got 2 toddlers and I’m almost always awake at odd hours. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I understand what you’re going through. I understand the shame, the guilt, and the vicious cycle all too well. You don’t deserve it and things don’t have to be this way. Admitting it out loud to someone you trust is the first step. It’s all down hill from there. I’m here for you, and I’m ready when you are 💜
 
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Men or woman seen both happen. Was in one sucked in and glued tight. When i realised she already was impregnated. After that it gets worse, you start relevating it. Because you share kids. Till 2018 continuous passive aggression. Way stronger so she couldn t hurt me physically. But could emotionally, sexual [depreviation] and mentally.

Very sad my kids had to witness it but glad i never raised my fists. Probably then things really would have gone bad. At least left a good impression of myself but sustaining that situation wasnt. Was totally unaware of it. On school you learn as boy you should never hit a girl. Not reversed. A girl and boys should be tought you can hit with emotions and words to. And the effects are worse the a good punch.

Whats weirder was to find out the treatment that is focused on male physical abuse works pretty well. Men that are violent can actually on do it. The same treatment on woman doesnt solve their aggressive problems. And they are overlooked anyway.

Sad day. For me as had the wordfight again. She still the same, kids still in between so i am backing up. They are the age they dont need there dad anyway but there mom fucks things up. They know that
 
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Referring to my sad story ⬆️ been divorced since 2018. She still chooses passive aggression. And blaming. Or is it taking no personal account things personally or no responsibility.

Whichever way looking at it seems a dead ending. Tried alot over the years course. Lost cause
 
SoCalShordie said:
This was an incredibly insightful and accurate post! It’s fascinating how our experiences are so similar, especially considering you’re a man. I had no idea that female abusers are literally the same as their male counterparts. Thank you so much for sharing this. And I’m thrilled that you have full custody of your babies! Our children are literally everything and deserve to be nurtured as well as protected at any cost. I’m so glad they’re safe and happy with dad 💙
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Very sort of covers the whole range. Did have to find out those basics on my own hardly known 20 year ago it seems. On school i got manipulative skills, they teached us as it used in Politics. To be aware of the use of dont fall in. My ex uses them all, despite the fact we shoud have a bit of contact in behalve of the kids. [The only reason afaic]

SoCalShordie said:
If you don’t already know me,
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Getting to know you more and more. The part of your recent place is best part. With a partner you can get along with and treats you equal and respectfully. No one should except less. One thing dont accept any thing that you wouldnt do to someone. In such a relation easy can become 'normal'. Or keep the peace behavior. Especially when you share things.

Dont go for confrontation btw. Seek the best safest way out. In the situation but stand you ground. For who might or is in one.
 
What really remains a mystery to me is the double-ness. Continued on After breaking up as if nothing changed :unsure:. Got used a bit but its annoying sink in slowly and then you wished never heard it as it sticks. Especially when still confronted with. 'still dream about you" romantically. Versus "Want the key back, scared you will hurt me". Smells very as ment manipulative.

What seems very general is the perpetrator can do everything. And the other not. Or suffer.
With punishment or a acting out face. Last time that happened few weeks, got out in 15 min.
2 hours is about her max. When you return, not in the near future for lucky me. It can could go both ways again. Continue were you left of, or act like nothing ever happened. Is that dissociative personality along a conduct disorder, passive aggression. Sometimes it seems like there are gaps in memory. Telling 5 different storys about the same event. Acting at times when a 'normal' would think talk about it acting like nothing happened. 10 year old things up that i did everyone makes a mistake once in a while are put under the microscope.

Then again lying is difficult er to remember then the truth. Else there is always playing dummy. Or faking some diversion. Tired, trauma brought up whatever. Feels at least completely blind eyed.

Funny fact the last contact was about some kid related shit. Via Whatsapp messages. It somehow recorded: "Whore ..... .... .. .... ... Fuck You" while posting something. Fragment less then 10 seconds. Accident but through [did give a political sorry]. Pissed her of the floor turned in Lava there.

Versus those 2 hour bursts of conscious fury. When you seriously considering exorcism might be needed. Little regret of that little unwilling recording well deserved. Broke the ice. Once and for all. Sometimes it feels like dealing with SIRI or a ChatGP.
 
Is posting a serious option if possible AI ['anal insemination' not my words] thought that came up. Seeing the response ? Maybe is should do a 'Tetra HYDRO Cappie' Trying to confuse/ or train the Anally inseminated thing.




About the duality. The microscope versus the macro view. The mother of my kids shows no remorse about the discussions our kids were exposed to. Same shit till today learned that via the last visits few weeks back. Unlike ⤴️ doesnt adapt a bit and keeps being stuck in its own arse. Sadly.

They seem adapted better then me, my kids can play a 'calming role or is it -☮️-ing'. Something like the walking on 'Eggs' that i described somewhere on the site probalbly. Think that i am through with this though. Keep a distance behaviour wise the best option.

Anally inseminated things though is a different concept. Needs investigation ⚠️ The thumb up afik never posted a emoticon, can it interprate them ? it did post a thumbs up. Is that learning or attention or communicating ... something else.

v3Rij CuR10s @lyrica333 :heart6: what you feel about my story ?
 
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