doing this alone

[mommalette1010]

I've read about 100 threads on here the past few days and still don't know how to say what I want to say but I'll try anyways.

About 2 yrs ago a friend and I decided we wanted to try h to deal with our chronic pain issues. Her doctor wasn't very helpful and I didn't have insurance so we self medicated the best way we knew how. Being that she is a nurse and we both knew IVing h was the best (or worst depending on how you look at it) way to get the most out of it we started out with the needle.

At first I refused to do my self for fear of going out on my own and over doing it so she always hit me up. Neither one of us got any type of buzz off the h but it helped with the pain. We also wanted the high so after a few weeks we were gonna stop until a "friend" hooked us up with a dalaudid connect. Well that was it for both of us. I already knew I liked dalaudid cause of a surgery I had a while back and she was game. We started out only doing one or two 4mg pills at a time before work than a few mths went by and that wasn't good enough. In the begining 30-40 pills a mth did us just fine than we worked up to 30-40 pills a week and soon that wasn't good enough.
She makes way more money as a nurse than I do as a cashier so she footed the bill most of the time. A couple mths ago she decided she couldn't afford both our habits any longer and left me hanging. Man did I fall hard. I knew wds would be hard but I was not expecting to puck every 1/2 hr for the frist 24 hrs. I thought I was gonna die. I made it through almost two weeks of hell and you would think that'd be enough to stay clean for good but it wasn't.

I figured I could just buy a little here and there and go back to using before work only. Well since she wasn't doing it with me any more I had to learn to do it myself. Big mistake on my part. At least she supplies me with new clean works whenever I need them.
Since she makes all the money my d4 connect saved everything for her so I started doing dope again. I don't care for it as much cause I don't get the high most people talk about but it sure does help with the pain if I do enough.

The last mth or so I've been getting 1-1 1/2 grams of h to get me through my wkends. Mon-Fri suck ass and than I score with sweet relief. Well this past wkend I ended up going through 2 grams and 15 pills and didn't pay my bills. I've never done that before and I never want to do that again. I have kids and they've got no one but me. I'm pretty much alone and I'm hoping I can fight the urge this Friday.

I'm doing this cold turkey with no assistance and no supporters. I see a therapist once a week but that's on Monday's so I'm usually telling her what a fuck up I am. Every Monday I decide I'm done for good. Than Friday comes and I lose again.

Here's the fucked up part; its easier to get help with a heroin addiction in my area than it is to get help with pain. I finally got decent insurance through my job and got myself a doctor. I didn't tell her about my addiction but I did explain my years of living with terrible pain. She actually said she wouldn't prescribe me anything that would help for fear I become addicted. She qants me to go to physical therapy which I've tried before with no good results. So Ha guess what? I didn't need her help to get addicted. So here I am almost on day 4 with no one and nothing to help, suffering from back pain so bad I can hardly put on my socks or wipe my ass without crying surrounded by either junkie friends or friends that hate junkies. Still have to get up every day to care for my kids and go to work. I don't believe in God but I do love my kids so I hope I make it past this wkend sober. I tried reaching out to a friend today but was ignored or forgotten, either way he never responded.

I guess I would like to know if can I do this on my own?

 

[BlueSaffron]

is there any way you could get on methadone? Might help with pain, and you just dose once a day, its legal, ect. much more managable than an illegal h or pill habit.

 

[mommalette1010]

My therapist is trying to get me hooked up with an outpatient program. I don't know what they'll do. I woke up about 2 hrs ago from a nasty dope dream and I still can't bend over enough to pick up my dauthers toys off the floor. I feel like I'm worthless.

 

[phactor]

My therapist is trying to get me hooked up with an outpatient program. I don't know what they'll do. I woke up about 2 hrs ago from a nasty dope dream and I still can't bend over enough to pick up my dauthers toys off the floor. I feel like I'm worthless.

I would suggest you get into that program. Your daughter needs you clean. You need to get clean.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Alone is generally not the way to beat addiction, you need understanding people close to you to pull you through ime.

 

[mommalette1010]

I know my daughter needs me so does the rest of my kids that's why I'm wanting to get off this stuff for good but I am alone in doing it. I don't have much of a choice in that. My lack of a support system has beed a major problem my whole life.

 

[mommalette1010]

Ok so I'll probably get a lot of shit for this but I've found my way around the rest of these wd and don't think I'll crave like I was. I work 3rd shift and my friend knows this so she gave me some focalin xr 15 mg and showed me how to iv them and honestly I feel great and won't be having trouble staying up all night after not sleepimg the past few days.

 

[phactor]

Ok so I'll probably get a lot of shit for this but I've found my way around the rest of these wd and don't think I'll crave like I was. I work 3rd shift and my friend knows this so she gave me some focalin xr 15 mg and showed me how to iv them and honestly I feel great and won't be having trouble staying up all night after not sleepimg the past few days.

And what will you do when you run out or start to comedown? You are not going to feel good and be more susceptible to using some type of downer. You are banging ADHD meds. I can assure you that you are not the first person to try to use stimulants to "beat" withdrawal.

It might sound harsh but you are putting your children at risk. There are plenty of places to get help that are free.

Its good you want to get off, its good you can be honest here. But its very hard to do it alone. Your therapist is offering to get you into a outpatient program. Take that opportunity.

Do you have any success at getting and staying clean? Is this "friend" the same friend with the D connect?

Not trying to offend, but I worked for the Department of Family Services for years. I cannot tell you how many traumatized kids I saw due to drug use. And trauma alone was often the best/least damaging cases.

You have a serious drug addiction and you have children dependent on you. You are placing them at risk. Take care of this now and do it properly before its too late.

 

[mommalette1010]

Well I only had enough to make it through last night and I haven't done anything else since and I feel pretty ok. Been almost a week without opiates. Honestly I've never been hooked on anything. I've done plenty of drugs in my day but only when life allowed. That's why I'm done with opiates. Nothing I've ever done before has made me think not paying a bill to get high was worth it. So I got paid today and didn't buy any drugs. One up for me I'd say. You think I have a serious drug problem but I really don't have it has bad as a lot of people around me. The program my therapist hooked me up with is full so I'm on a list. Probably won't need them by the time my names on the top. Thanks for your concern. It may be hard for some to believe but some people are just alone in their struggles.

 

[phactor]

. You think I have a serious drug problem but I really don't have it has bad as a lot of people around me. The program my therapist hooked me up with is full so I'm on a list. Probably won't need them by the time my names on the top. Thanks for your concern. It may be hard for some to believe but some people are just alone in their struggles.

Its not hard for me to believe at all, I thought that way a long time. Both the comparisons (I am not as bad as so and so) and "I am all alone in this". Turns out for me the only thing that mattered was that I was an addict (I don't care how much or what someone else used, I used to say "well I never injected like so and so" for example or "he uses this and that and that and that, I only use this and that and that). None of that stopped me from getting to my bottom (which was a "high bottom" compared to many). Thankfully I learned I am far from alone and lots of people are willing to help.

I also realize that I was hanging out with lots of drug addicts, so of course lots of them had it "worse then I" but again that didn't matter. My true friends were always perplexed at my behavior, even though some of them used narcotics as well.

I was a master rationalizer, my addiction rationalized anything to stay alive. I bought into it hook, line and sinker for a long time. Even after that denial was shattered it was still not enough to stop me. Thats my experience and very well could not be yours.

For me, drug use is a mere symptom of the overall problem that I have. My thinking can get all fucked up.

Best of luck to you and your family. Please continue to try to be as honest as possible with yourself.

 

[mommalette1010]

Trust me, phactor, I am aware of how messed up my head really is and I know most of the drugs I have done were to either forget my life or to float through it. I've been on my own since I was 13. I very well could have been a kid you may have delt with in your previouse line of work. I lived on the streets most of my teenage years. But dispite all the shit I've been through I have always put my kids first. I don't want to be in this life alone but that's just the way my life has worked out so far. I don't trust the universe and I'm constently wondering if the people around me are gonna screw me over. That is why I looked online for a place I can be honest and not really worry about whether or not I trust those I meet because as far as I know you're as real as one of my many "trips", but I still injoy the interaction.

 

[herbavore]

I have found a very soul nurturing freedom in the anonymity and intimacy that coexist in online relationships. I think that people fall on a huge continuum from those that lie about who they are and misrepresent themselves to those that bare their souls and make it safe for others to do the same. I hope you find many of the latter here, mommalette. You are a strong survivor and your quest to improve your life from within is very admirable.