DOI 14mg - 4th time - Intense sadness and analyzing my personality

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

This trip was several months ago, probably september or october 2005. It was the fourth time I used DOI, if I remember right. It was also the highest dose I have taken and I don't think I will go this high again. This is where I started to notice the side effects, though they were not very bad. Did not seem much more intense than 10 or 12mg.

Nothing really interesting happened, my earlier DOI trips were more interesting but I did not take any notes in those trips. I started taking notes as soon as I ingested the DOI this time and was expecting the trip to be like the earlier ones.(Out of body experiences, extreme clarity/cosmic understanding etc.) Instead, it was mostly spent dealing with difficult emotions and analyzing my personality.

My mood at the time I took the DOI was slightly good, near neutral.


9:00pm
I ingest 14mg of DOI. My mood at the time was pretty neutral.

9:30pm
I am starting to feel it.

10:15pm
Up to a med +2. I am starting to feel depressed. Moderate typical psychedelic visuals.

10:30pm
Up to a weak +3. Visuals are quite strong. My mood is getting worse. I also feel some nausea and anxiety.

11:00pm
Up to a strong +3. Nausea has increased. Feeling intense negative emotions.

11:15pm
It keeps getting stronger, I am starting to wish that I had taken a lower dose or none at all. Bad memories are starting to surface.

11:34pm

My mood is very depressed. The intensity is overwhelming. I feel a feeling of awe for a moment, everything looks so beautiful. The Visuals are incredibly beautiful. Intricate patterns, rainbow streaks and particles shooting/swirling around. With eyes closed there are landscapes that are a mix of realistic places (mountainous areas, jungles,grassy areas and animals) and fractal images. They are mixed in the same image/mind movie. The beautiful visuals do nothing to improve my mood.

11:35pm
I start to feel myself being dissolved. I am slowly slipping away, this is improving my mood, but still lots of sadness. At the same time there are brief moments of joy. The dissolving feels pleasant and strange. It is my mind and body dissolving, the beginning of an OBE and maybe ego loss.


12:46am
Getting creepy thoughts and negative emotions. A few minutes ago I was very euphoric with orgasmic pleasure.

1:35am
All i can think about is how everyone I love will die and how much pain I will feel when it happens. The only losses I have dealt with are dying pets and friends who've moved away or stabbed me in the back. The pain was so bad that I've chosen to be alone, so I don't feel that again. I haven't had a friend in years.

Even the death of pets and loss of friends was so painful that it made me want to kill myself. When I was 11 my cat died and I ate a bunch of tylenol pills in a half-assed suicide attempt. It made me sick but I did not die and nobody knew what I did. I can't imagine how bad it will be when a close family member dies.

Ever since I was 4 or 5 years old I tried to avoid the pain of loss and avoid any relationship that may cause pain. Avoiding the pain of loss has always been the most important thing. Even if that meant having no friends. I don't know why I am like this. It seems like something bad happened a long time ago but I am told that there was nothing. Maybe it was something that seemed horrible to me but not anyone else. I can remember a lot of sadness from early childhood, but don't know the source.

I know that I need to change my behavior and my outlook on life, and I have tried but never succeed. I am not normal, I don't know what is wrong with me. I have always been weird and don't know why. My emotional responses are not normal. I feel distant from everyone, even my family. I've felt this way to some extent as far back as I can remember but it started getting worse about the time I turned 8. It kept getting worse for years and now I am stuck like this.

I have tried to open up and connect with people but it just seems impossible for me. I can't get close to or form any relationship with another person. I think I have some kind of personality disorder. I feel that it will always be like this and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am feeling nothing but sadness and loneliness right now and I want to be with someone for a while. It would probably improve the trip.

1:55am
I just keep crying. Although I feel sad, I don't consider this a negative experience.

Earlier I felt myself dissolving, but it did not finish. It feels like part of my mind and personality has weakened or gone away. The bad parts were left here, the good things are gone.

4:20am
For the last hour I've felt okay, before that I was dealing with the same thoughts and feelings from earlier. I may end up having some fun in this trip. My mood is improving. I can now feel something good, before it was nearly all negative.

2:50pm
I smoked some salvia, visuals increased, psychedelic clarity gets strong and there is intense euphoria. Everything is so beautiful. In this trip the visuals have all been beautiful, no insects or gory bloody goo with body parts and eyes. Even at the deepest sadness/despair I felt earlier visually it was very beautiful and all good.

I am happy and at peace with myself. All is good for me at this moment. I am still at a +3 but I am coming down some.

6:30pm
Last few hours have been good. No deep insights but I do feel a connection with everything around me.

I took some neurontin, ate 2 large poppies + 30mg of amitriptyline and 8mg of tizanidine to get a nicer opiate high/more sedation so I can sleep in a few hours. Still tripping, +2/+3 borderline, probably weak +3. Visuals have decreased but with eyes closed can see mountain landscapes with pine trees, snow on the trees and mountain. The images are dark without much color. They move and change slowly.

9:00pm Down to a +2, I fall asleep around this time.

3:30am I wake up, probably still a weak+2, maybe strong +1.Still some light visuals. I go get a drink and fall back to sleep within 30 minutes.

6:30am: I wake up, feeling slight effects of the doi and the meds I took last night. Mood is good, body feels fine. I'm a little tired and my mind is just a little foggy or slow. This is probably because of the meds, lingering doi effects, and tiredness.


For the next couple of days, my mood was better. Not as depressed as usual.

 

[X3DFX]

I absolutly love reading about your experiences. I am always like 'yessss he wrote another report and i get to read it'

I was thinking also that there has to be some experience from early childhood, loosing a loved one, that is repressed. And it, combined with the other memories of loss are what is getting in your way.
It seems like you are very persistent, and I do think you will get to the bottom of yourself.

And telling yourself you have a personality disorder and are wierd is just a fancy way of saying i dont understand why i feel the way i do and i hate that i cant figure it out.

And always think the opposite things when im reading about your experiences. You seem to know yourself and love yourself deeply.

and then at the end when you said you felt like yourself didnt completely disolve, that made me think yess because hes got something in there that hes not seeing, perhaps the repressed experience from early childhood. That experience does not want to get let go of.

And im thinking okay perhaps it could be something else or a combination of things but the only thing that makes sense in my mind is some experience that happened that has not yet surfaced.

alright thats all i got.

 

[metasyn]

Did you have a tolerance or do you typically need a lot of a drug to "get there"? Because 14mg DOI seems like a hell of a lot to me, even considering your intense experience

 

[metasyn]

Also:
That's awesome that you were able to go so deep into yourself on DOI. Even with my limited dosages (2mg max), I found it to be great for analyzing yourself.

 

[Ekstasis-//7]

Tryptamine*Dreamer I really like your honesty. This is a great read. You really remind me alot of myself... Good trip report... man that's definatley a heroic/insane dosage man... Don't go too hard eh!

Don't feel bad if something that is completely painful to you is passed off as nothing to somebody else... everyone relates to an expereince differently. What you feel is valid don't let anyone tell you that what you feel is nothing or small or unimportant. If you can realise that what you feel is important for you then you can begin to understand it... Experiences in my childhood that have scarred me, my mother and father would think as nothing and would believe it but today I can see those childhood experiences have made a pattern in my life and had a huge negative effect in my personallity and the way I relate to people. Especially in realtionships with girlfriends. Or feeling accepted by friends ect ect.

As a piece of advice I would reccomend try to not hang on to your defences of protecting yourself from feeling loss. I think this "defence mechanism" is what can cause you to feel isolated, sad and unhappy. I think in life can we learn from painful expereinces... such as if a close friend backstabs and shows to be untrustworthy and hurts you or a girfirend betrays close emotional trust, you can learn to be a bit more careful and not trust people with everything too quickly (only to have it throw back in your face) and you can learn to listen to your instinct better about who you can trust and who is just very untrustworthy... ect ect... But who's to say we can stop life's dissapointments and feeling pain and loss? It's impossible. If you want to get close to someone and have trully meaningful and deep relationships you gotta be able to open yourself up and that means you are also voulnerable to loss and dissapointments. Yeah life really hurts sometimes... so we do everything in our power to try to not let it happen again.. but there's not always much you can do. Shit happens. Don't let it get to ya! Just gotta let each dissapointment teach a more about life... how to deal with emotional pain and not let it scar you and stay with you... eh... if you have a dissapointment.. then don't fight the feeling.. realise yeah I feel hurt by this... damn that person let me down I liked hangin with them ect ect.. ride the rollercoaster acknolodge your feelings off loss and dissapointemnt and then after a time you'll be able to let them go and it won't hurt so much any more... yep you may need a good cry.. whatever it's all good! Then you start to move on and begin to to think about past good expereinces you've had in life... and how it's most likely that life ain't over that good, mad, awesome experiences will happen again ...just as they always do Even little things can be fun, and cool. The future still holds awesome things!