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Does this even make any sense?

Tude said:
I'm a 21-year-old female, never had a boyfriend. I'm confident, have a great job and shit. Just never been interested in pursuits of the romantic kind. I'm just now beginning to develop a slight interest in finding a boyfriend. Here's the thing: I don't think I'm ready. It's really, really complicated. I have a ton of reasons why I think I'm not ready, most of which make sense. But there's one in particular that I can't get out of my head: maybe I'm a cheater? I can't make sense of this at all. I would never cheat on someone. But what if I would? My question is, is there any way to discern my propensity to infidelity before I hurt someone? Thanks for any advice :)
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how would you know i you are a cheater if you have never had a bf?

its pretty common for girls your age to be shaky on the idea of monogamy.
 
Artic, you're not out of line at all. I'm a virgin. Never done anything at all with a guy, not even hold hands. Thanks again everyone for your input, y'all gave me a lot to think about. Special thanks to Sephyr-I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. MyFinalRest, I do already have that code of ethics in place, but I guess I don't trust myself for whatever reason. I'm afraid I pretty much know I would cheat on someone but am afraid to admit it to myself. Worst part is, I do believe cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone. I'm just so fucked up. However, y'all have restored some faith in myself by saying that it's a good thing I worry about hurting others.
 
You're fucked up? Yeah right. I seriously doubt that. You're probably one of the least fucked up people on here. Think of all the people who don't even give something like this any thought and just cheat like crazy. I hate to say this, but sometimes when we are going out with people, we do meet other people and feel more strongly for them and if you get in this situation, simply break off the previous relationship so you can be honest to pursue this other one that might be more what you really want.

Considering that you haven't even held hands with someone I can't imagine you getting the urge to "run around" on someone just because you got someone. I've never cheated, and I'd imagine it's difficult to maintain that kind of lie. I did once dump a girl to pursue someone else, but nobody ever has said there's anything wrong with that. Just don't start something without finishing the last one. If you are getting interested in romance just be patient, you'll figure out what it means to fall in love and all of that stuff, and be glad you haven't been doing this yet because love can really fuck with your life.
 
Sounds like almost OCD thinking to me. I know of people who keep worrying when driving that they might run someone over, even though they have no reason to. It's not logical and is about anxiety and control. When we get close to someone and start caring deeply for someone we have less control over our lives. This is scary.

OP, do you have any other areas of your life where you have irrational or unbased worries/ thoughts? I think you know there is no rational foundation to your worry or you wouldn't be posting about this. The fact that you don't trust yourself surely also causes you a headache in other walks of life, and it's not a good thing to be constantly talking yourself out of what life and love and sex have to offer.

I could give you practical advice: date for a while before going exclusive so cheating isn't an issue; go for a non-monogamous relationship (they work! I'm in one) where both of you can sleep with other people with your partner's consent; or try dating and break up if you feel the urge to cheat. But I don't think this is about a rational anxiety - after all you're a free agent now and you're not sleeping with anyone, suggesting you're not a promiscuous person and your worries are more to do with your capacity to cause pain to another person and fears caused by this - so I'd seriously recommend having some CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) to examine and challenge your thought pattern. You can do it with a counsellor or self-help on the internet. I think it can really help
 
Lola, I don't think I have this kind of thinking in other parts of my life. You do have a good theory though. Thanks for the advice :)
 
OK - just take things as they come, don't move too fast - if things start moving fast, then slow them down a lil. If you reckon you could be a cheater, make sure it's not exclusive until you know you're very much into that person, and that you know a lot about them.

I wouldn't worry though - if you've never had experience in this area of things for a long time/ at all, then just be honest, very very open, and take things as slowly as you feel comfortable with. Worrying will just give you cancer.
 
I think when you are with a guy and you feel no insecurity that you would cheat on him then that is when you should ask him out. If you are insecure about being faithful than you aren't ready for a relationship, but then again you haven't met anyone significant, so that is normal.

Once you make a connection, and just feel you want nobody but him for the time being then you know your ready to be together.

That is just my 2 cents.
 
Tude said:
Lola, I don't think I have this kind of thinking in other parts of my life. You do have a good theory though. Thanks for the advice :)
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Haha well, was worth a bash! If this is really just about cheating then why not go for non-monogamy, or not make an exclusive commitment? I'm just curious re why you're worrying in advance that being involved with someone means you might hurt them through cheating, whereas in fact you could get some experience and have fun and either not commit (so cheating wouldn't be a problem) or have an open relationship (so again, cheating becomes a different issue). Have you seen other people being cheated on and took it badly, or are you actually worried about being cheated on? It just seems like such a specific fear when there are so many risks we take with our heart when we fall in love - being rejected or dumped, emotional abuse, domestic violence, lies and a million other types of betrayal, why this one and why the fear that you'd be the perpetrator?
 
dkmonk said:
Once you make a connection, and just feel you want nobody but him for the time being then you know your ready to be together.
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Idk... most people just get out there and experiment and date, they don't stop themselves from having a go because of a hypothetical worry (and a highly unlikely scenario, based on the OP's current behaviour)...
 
I thought dating meant seeing multiple people and going to dinner until you make that connection that makes you sure you want this person, and don't want to see the other people anymore so you agree to be in a monogomous relationship with them, and see where things go from there.
 
^ For monogamous people I guess this is true... but my point is that the OP isn't dating because of a hypothetical unfounded fear she has. She's not seeing anyone or having any experiences of dating/sex because she's worried that she might meet a special person then cheat on them (despite not being at all promiscuous).
 
Okay, I understand in a better way now. Thank You.

From experience this dating casually will form a bond with someone who stands out and is unique that appears special, and that will give the person the assurance they need that they won't be unfaithful, so they can move on to exclusive dating/relationship.
 
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