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Does this even make any sense?

Tude

Tude

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2011
Messages
11,204
I'm a 21-year-old female, never had a boyfriend. I'm confident, have a great job and shit. Just never been interested in pursuits of the romantic kind. I'm just now beginning to develop a slight interest in finding a boyfriend. Here's the thing: I don't think I'm ready. It's really, really complicated. I have a ton of reasons why I think I'm not ready, most of which make sense. But there's one in particular that I can't get out of my head: maybe I'm a cheater? I can't make sense of this at all. I would never cheat on someone. But what if I would? My question is, is there any way to discern my propensity to infidelity before I hurt someone? Thanks for any advice :)
 
Maybe find a nice guy to go on a date with and take it slow.. I'm just wondering how you would think you're the cheating type without having been in a relationship before. It's not necessarily a bad thing that you've never had someone. Are you a shy and reserved kind of girl?
 
No, I'm really outgoing and stuff. I don't see being single so long as a bad thing at all. I'm just a later bloomer I guess? Heck, I've asked a few guys out recently but this thought just nags me. What if I hurt someone?
 
You are worried about hurting someone? that's good, shows you have a conscience. Now, remember that cheating on someone will likely hurt someone who loves you and will hurt yourself because you love that person too (you really will love him too right?)

Think about this, if your were really into someone and they ran around behind your back, honestly, how would it make you feel? Well, then don't do it to someone yourself. Also you don't need that shit dragging on your conscience.

Some people can't feel love and a sense of attachment. These people often act like jealousy is some sort of disease when their lovers get angry for betraying them. Some people don't feel fulfilled in their relationships and seek other people but are too afraid of being single to risk breaking it off the other person first. Other's might unexpectedly meet someone else and fall head-over-heels for them and cheat and eventually leave their other partner.

This is a very strange to ask us about yourself. You are a far too calculating type of person. Love is not something you just "decide to go out make happen." It just fucking happens. If you are truly in love with someone else, you won't even notice other people you might otherwise have been attracted to. You mention that you are "confident" but it's not really about how you feel about yourself - it's about how you feel about being close with someone else.
 
It happens when you least expect it, Tude. You can't force these things. All you can do is be chatty, be open, and make sure you make yourself available. If a cute guy is talking to you about random things in life, take the opportunity to drop the hint that you're single. Like "Yes, I love food but hate to cook, and since I'm single, it's always pizza for me." LOL Shit like that, ya know. Men will take the "single" drop as an opportunity or they will remember that you're single and wait until they get the courage to talk to you again.
 
Badandwicked, you've got a point there lol. MyFinalRest, I would feel horrible if I were cheated on, which is why I don't want to put through it. I do agree that this is a strange question. I guess I'm just worried I wouldn't be able to control myself if a situation arises. It's like I don't trust myself. Lol thanks for the advice, Lysis!
 
I have this to say about infidelity--breaking the monogomy code of conduct: You never know what choice you will make until the situation presents itself to you.

Live your life in the moment with some forethought, but don't obsess about probables or maybes that are only constructions of your own mind.

I'm still learning to do this, and I wonder if it will be a lifelong process.

:)
 
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There is no way to "prepare" yourself going into a relationship to foolproof it. The type of person you are or want to be in a relationship develops by evolving in a relationship. You should actually find a boyfriend before you worry about any of this stuff.
 
Tude said:
No, I'm really outgoing and stuff. I don't see being single so long as a bad thing at all. I'm just a later bloomer I guess? Heck, I've asked a few guys out recently but this thought just nags me. What if I hurt someone?
Click to expand...

Self doubt is the revelation of truth.
If you are questioning yourself about being ready for a relationship, then you are subconsciously telling people that aren't mature enough to be in one.
Relationships require an all or nothing commitment with trust and honesty.
I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you, because 21 is a great age for meeting people.
When your mind is mature enough, you will know when you are ready.
 
Tude said:
No, I'm really outgoing and stuff. I don't see being single so long as a bad thing at all. I'm just a later bloomer I guess? Heck, I've asked a few guys out recently but this thought just nags me. What if I hurt someone?
Click to expand...

Honestly, someone pretty much always gets hurt anyways. Its the nature of the game. Its usually better to roll the dice and take a risk than to wonder what could have been. I had minimal experience with women well in to my 20's and now at 30 I really regret. I still feel behind in terms of experience. I wish I had the balls when I was younger to just go for what I wanted instead of paralyzing myself with over thinking.
 
You can't possibly be serious. How can you go through life with a mindset like that? Would you avoid having friends out of fear you might stab them in the back? Do you avoid having pets out of fear you might try to torture them?

You make very little sense.
 
Thank you Noodle, GenericMind, Wizekrak, and Tech Kinetics for your input. I really appreciate it :) Biovail, I realize I don't make much sense, but I am being serious. For some reason I don't trust myself. I guess I'm afraid of what's inside me? I guess I'll stop asking guys out and wait a while longer. I like being single anyways. Thanks, guys!
 
Usually, when you pursue a relationship with someone that you really want, you never think about cheating on them at all, and you usually don't end up cheating on them. I have passed up a lot of other potential relationships because I knew that I would be tempted to dump the girl if a certain other kind of woman came along, and I can't stand the thought of having to hurt someone like that.

The hard thing about love is that often one person is more in love with the other than they are with the other. Love isn't always nice and clean-cut and mutual you know. I don't know why, but even though I really want mutual love, I'd rather play the role of the person who wasn't loved as much in the relationship, or in other words, I want to be the "giver," who unfortunately is more likely to get dumped or cheated on.
 
I think you just got to go out there and give it a go.

Its good that you worry about hurting people. IMO that makes you a better person than most already.

But if you spend your whole life worrying about whether or not this decision or that decision is gonna hurt someone or not than you might as well become a hermit. Why bother stepping out the door or getting in your car. You might step on someones foot or get in a car crash.

Don't paralyze yourself with this fear. Just go out there and give it a try.
 
I don't think you are likely to cheat. In my experience it is people who have a tendency to be promiscuous who also tend to cheat. You don't give that impression, but I guess I could be wrong. It may be somewhat inappropriate to ask (so feel free to not answer if I am out of line), but how many people have you slept with? Is it just relationships that are new to you?

The fact is that finding someone to be with (or even just sleep with) will always hurt someone else. If it isn't you or your boyfriend it will be a former lover of his or someone who had a crush on you. With that said, being in love is one of the greatest feelings that life has to offer. I think it is somewhat debatable, but generally agreed upon that it is worth the pain that is causes. You can think of endless logical rationalizations for why you should or shouldn't be with someone but the only thing that matters is how you feel about them. If you feel a connection and you want to be with them and see things through to the fullest then no amount of pain it causes you or anyone else is worth denying it. If you don't feel that way then it may be best to avoid. That's just my opinion, though.
 
^ as artic said, you're going in relationships, at somepoint along the way, whether you cheat or not, you're going to really hurt someone.
 
Although I did say love "kinda just happens" ...well it doesn't entriely "just happen." You're getting older and mature and that will make you start thinking about wanting to settle into a solid love relationship, and you are likely feeling that anyway or else you wouldn't be starting to think about it. You also make yourself receptive to the idea of wanting to be closely in love with someone too. You also make decisions about the type of person you want to fall in love with, so it's not entirely some grand mystery - you will and are making choices about it as we speak. Just accept that not everything can be planned, understood beforehand, or controlled in love.

Establish with yourself a code of ethics to live by and not cheating should be part of this code. If you are with someone and you find someone else, do the right thing, which can be really hard but not as crazy and fucked up as cheating, which is break up with that person you are with first and tell them the truth before you start going with someone else. That's one reason why I got to really like someone before I ask her out. I don't like to enter a relationship if there is any doubt in my mind I won't want to love her exclusively, but that still doesn't always work out. Really, dating people without getting physical is a good way to see who you really like. Once you get physical with somone, you close the doors on it so to speak.
 
Tude, sounds like you're perhaps questioning if you'd cheat because deep down you're not sure if you want steady commitment, or friends to have fun with on whatever terms suit you, and while maybe the romantic ideal sounds all very nice and lovely really it needs to be very much on your terms or its not gonna work, and you're not sure if what you really want is the excitement more varied opportunities would bring you? I don't think that's as self-interestedly calculating as others have said. I think more accurately it represents your own uncertainty as to what you want, and how you'll respond if the romantic option turns out to be missing that little spark our sexuality feeds on, all other qualities being exactly as you'd wish for in husband and father material?

Start from the premise you're gonna take the opportunity to meet new and interesting people, and see if something more seriously committed to long-term exclusivity evolves from that. Makes much more sense than going right out for the first chance you get at new boyfriend material and then finding it's not what you wanted after all right now, or not with him if nothing else. I think you'd be far less likely to be inclined towards cheating in the first case than in the second. So long as you're up-front and honest about what you're desires and your uncertainties are and the other parties can make informed choices why worry? See what happens, worry about questions needing a little working out as they come up. No point second-guessing others reactions or your own for that matter. You'll not know how you'll all react till something requiring serious thought and hard moral choices happens anyways?
 
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