This came up on a search, was about to post something similar along the lines of "Anxiety, Bipolar, aging and self-medicating"
I was diagnosed as bipolar / cyclothyalmic with depressive tendencies after a year of psychotherapy with 2x psychiatrists. The first psychiatrist let me run the whole gamut of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and a mood stabiliser (lithium) in the hope that she could help diagnose my 'existential angst' into something definitive and treatable.
I was using marijuana at this time. Really really potent high quality stuff that is ubiquitous in the city I grew up in. This was my self-medication and it made me feel more within myself, or grounded for want of a better word. It really sparked my imagination into something brilliant and my artistic creativity would flourish.
The second psychiatrist told me that if I didn't take Sodium Valproate or a mood stabiliser like it, I would either die by age 30 or think I'm jesus.
Fast forward nine years and I'm 30 now. Back in my home town again, back into the super strong hydroponics.
Some things have changed in my life:
I have a very stressful job which isn't working out as a whole company wide.
Openly accepted I like men sexually more than women.
Became depressed slowly yet surely. I wasn't doing my art anywhere near as much as I used to. I was abusing my body with laziness and languishing in my apartment. I would rarely leave except for work and occaisional shopping.
Well as of this October, I have started taking stimulant drugs again like MDMA, amphetamines, dexamphetamines recreationally only. I would be taking some to go out and dance to some of my favourite harsh hardcore rave music from a decade or so back. All well and good, having great times and such but right now even it feels like I am outside of myself, more and more often, further and further away from my body, from being grounded.
I know there is too much going on in my life (3 very trying, random events occured last week to me that were totally beyond my control) and I am having a difficult time juggling my stoner apathy with being an account manager which I'm struggling with. I keep on wanting to pack up my life here and go to Europe to explore my parent's heritage and country. It is just getting extremely difficult to hang in there (only 6 more months!).
I am experiencing attacks of vertigo at random times (usually after smoking) but more frequently when i'm sober. I often feel dissassociated from my body which for me is a telltale sign of an impending anxiety attack. THe anxiety attacks don't come though as I have my techniques to keep them at bay learnt over the years.
But yeah, i'm at a loss and I keep on thinking back to that 2nd psychiatrist and feeling that what he said coincides with the astrological event that is Saturn Returns (period of mass personal upheaval, contemplation and challenge) and I need to bolster my defences so to speak.
It's like I can feel the onslaught of my psyche coming over the horizon at times, far away indistinct but undeniable and waiting for a period to pounce and let everything fall apart.
I'm considering stopping the self-medicating with marijuana, switiching to passionflower extract as i tried this 2-3 weeks ago for a week at a time and it worked somewhat.
I'm also considering getting some psychopharmacological help, even though it goes against my whole ethos of living with mental illness.
Perhaps I should try sodium valproate. I just feel like i need something to fortify and strengthen my emotional thresholds, at least until I go overseas or until saturn returns!
