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TDS Does it ever get easier?

Pretty_Diamonds

Pretty_Diamonds

Bluelight Crew
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Dealing with a death of a loved one?

I lost my baby sister Jan. 2011. Bless her little soul--she was only 11 when she tragically and suddenly died along with my father. I'm not so much mourning my father's life because we weren't really close and I kind of blame him for the incident. But my sister. You know, so young, so innocent... so unfair. I mean, I see her friends.. and they're so big now! 13 years old! Everytime I see them, it's like a stab to my heart you know? I wanna say.. stop growing.. I don't want to even see her friends, it's so tough.

So... it's been two years and I still sob almost everyday. I don't feel like I've had any closure or made any progress. Any advice?
 
That's so sad to hear. I'm sorry for your loss.

It does get easier as time goes on but their memory will always be there. You will have good days and you will have bad days.

It can be hard to get closure sometimes, especially with losing someone so young. I know my brother and his wife still have bad days over the loss of their newborn son seven years later.
 
all I can think of right now is that you could do breathing exercises once you start thinking about your sister

so focus all your awareness on you breath and detach emotion from all other thoughts in your head until the "fuck, fuck, fuck" feeling leaves you
 
Thank you. Yeah. I'm just going through it day by day--wishing for the day that I wake up to realize it was all but a dream.

I try not to think about her but it's so hard. I don't have any pictures of her in the open--it's too hard to even see her face.
 
I know exactly what you mean. My son died 3 weeks after his twentieth birthday. I wanted the world to stop--no new years that didn't include him, none of his friends growing older and going on with their lives, no holidays that didn't include him. I knew how irrational it was but it makes no difference. Emotions don't follow rules or logic. One of the worst times I ever had was driving home from a long trip. I stopped at a rest stop to go to the bathroom. It was a sunny beautiful day and I had been OK in the car. It was September and the whole rest stop seemed to be filled with parents driving their college age kids off to university. This young man got out of the car next to me. He had long blond hair and saggy board shorts and he even had my son's walk. I completely lost it. This still happens at the strangest times. I get triggered by something that has never triggered me before.

I think the idea of "closure" is a strange one that the media hypes and people feel should happen and then feel even more pain when it doesn't. What is closure? There is no closure, only acceptance of a pain that will forever be a part of your life. You loved her. She did not get to live her life, to grow and develop alongside you. You miss her. These are the truths of the situation. What will get easier is your ability to let the pain in and not crumble under it. You will always miss her. How could you not? She mattered, she was loved. Celebrate her memory and know that someday you too will go wherever it is that she went. Until then, live fully, embrace happiness whenever you can but embrace your grief as well. It will get easier to carry. I'm so sorry. Siblings often get overlooked and the focus is all on the parents. Your loss is huge and one year is not a long time. Don't let anyone hurry you through your own process or tell you how it should go. It is a solitary endeavor and your own heart is your only true guide.<3
 
It kind of sounds like you are stuck in the grief cycle, and you can't move on. My best advice would be to attend therapy to help you through this rough patch, but many people don't have that option. My second best advice would be for you to find some way to say goodbye to him. Make something, anything, that represents what your brother meant to you. Then, let it go. Whether you tie it to a helium balloon, or set out a paper boat on the lake. It's ok to let go. It doesn't mean you loved him any less. Now, you have to live your life. I am sure he would want it that way.
 
herbavore said:
I know exactly what you mean. My son died 3 weeks after his twentieth birthday. I wanted the world to stop--no new years that didn't include him, none of his friends growing older and going on with their lives, no holidays that didn't include him. I knew how irrational it was but it makes no difference. Emotions don't follow rules or logic. One of the worst times I ever had was driving home from a long trip. I stopped at a rest stop to go to the bathroom. It was a sunny beautiful day and I had been OK in the car. It was September and the whole rest stop seemed to be filled with parents driving their college age kids off to university. This young man got out of the car next to me. He had long blond hair and saggy board shorts and he even had my son's walk. I completely lost it. This still happens at the strangest times. I get triggered by something that has never triggered me before.

I think the idea of "closure" is a strange one that the media hypes and people feel should happen and then feel even more pain when it doesn't. What is closure? There is no closure, only acceptance of a pain that will forever be a part of your life. You loved her. She did not get to live her life, to grow and develop alongside you. You miss her. These are the truths of the situation. What will get easier is your ability to let the pain in and not crumble under it. You will always miss her. How could you not? She mattered, she was loved. Celebrate her memory and know that someday you too will go wherever it is that she went. Until then, live fully, embrace happiness whenever you can but embrace your grief as well. It will get easier to carry. I'm so sorry. Siblings often get overlooked and the focus is all on the parents. Your loss is huge and one year is not a long time. Don't let anyone hurry you through your own process or tell you how it should go. It is a solitary endeavor and your own heart is your only true guide.<3
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Oh wow. Your post really touched me--I even showed it to my boyfriend. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for your story. It sounds so familiar to my situation--I always think I see her places. I know when it happened I kept thinking she was outside my class room door and that it was all some sort of sick joke. I would run outside and completely breakdown remembering that I was in London and that she was dead. I was just so desperate to see her.

My mom filled the house with pictures and pictures. That's what I had to do with her for the grieving year--sort through pictures and get them all enlarged. Cover the house full of pictures. She is the complete opposite from you. The death anniversary and birthday is celebrated with all of my sister's friends. But my mom doesn't know or realize how much it kills me to do that twice a year. It's so hard to see all her friends getting big. I can't even look at a picture of my sister without getting teary eyed much less be surrounded with them. But if I don't help a little bit with something or am late, she'll tell me I didn't love my sister and I don't realize how sad SHE is. I don't know, so when you say the siblings get overlooked--yeah. I know my sister was the baby and she was my mom's everything. But she was my only sister, my mom has 2 more kids. I don't know. It's created so much tension in our relationship.
 
That's really sad to hear OP. I think the way your mother treats you if you're a little bit late or don't help out is really dog. I lost my auntie and grandmother recently. My mother and sisters could have also passed away but luckily they didn't. When we called to see who had passed away in the accident (it happened in another country) I was so scared. It was the most scared i've ever been. Maybe this sounds really bad but I'm so glad it was my auntie and grandmother rather than my sisters or mother. I can't imagine what your'e going through but I hope you remember the good memories you had with her and remember that she would want you to keep your head and keep going.
 
There's no words to convey how horrible something like this is. Words just can't do it justice. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

herbavore is so right. It gets better.... by better I mean we as people get better able to deal with the horror of the realities of what happened. It gets better, but the pain never goes away entirely.
 
I don't think "easier" happens. Grief changes and your experience of grief and loss becomes different but, ime, not easier.
My husband was killed in an accident more than 25yrs ago and losing him has only felt different over time, never easier. I don't mean to imply there is no relief from the overwhelming feelings of loss and sadness because there can be but I have much difficulty w/ the word "easier" when attached to grief.
There are many intelligent, compassionate folks here and it is a great place to come when you need some support.
I am so sorry for your loss. Best of luck to you and your family
-izzy
 
I'm so sorry to read about your sister. My mom took her own life four years ago, and it rocked me to the core. I didn't take a sober breath for about a year....not that it's an excuse, I hate hearing addicts blame situations for their addictions. I finally came to a point where I knew that if I didn't deal with it it would kill me too. The grieving process is different for everyone; my husband pisses me off with the "god it's been four years, get over it!" To me you never "get over it" you just learn to live in a world where your loved one doesn't. Go through the process, feel what your feeling, try to focus on the special moments you had with your sister. Eventually it will get better. Maybe try talking to her? Not a day goes by without me telling my mom something....anything. At first I couldn't do it without crying, now it always makes me smile.
My heart goes out to all of the posters.
 
I dont think it gets easier,it just changes.
I lost my only friend in 1999 and it's the same fucking pain thinking about it.
when shit happens,like 9.11 or Obama elect,I wonder what he would think.
but you will feel different about it as the years pass,you will learn what her LEGACY will be.
at some point you will look to the future.
but the pain most likely remains.

dont use over it.
then it will be unbearable.
 
i've never lost anyone that was all that close to me the closest loved ones i've lost were my great gpa, dog and cat and it wasn't easy but i try to look back on the good memories with them to aid in the lessening of pain of not having them around anymore
 
This is going to sound insane, but watching the TV show Six Feet Under has really been helping me deal with these kinds of feelings.

My personal situation is nowhere near as painful as yours must be, and I am so sorry for your loss, but really it's an amazing conduit for thinking about these kinds of horrible and painful subjects.
 
First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's never easy losing a family member or loved one. My first question of course is, have you seen a professional to help you on the path of recovery? If not it may be a good choice due to your inability to come to terms with your loss and successfully move through the grieving process. I know sometimes its hard to go to someone for assistance, but in your case it may be beneficial to you. I know that this from experience. I have a very hard time coming to terms with the loss of people I grow to care for, especially my best friend who passed the night after we partied after graduation together. I ended up needing counseling years after the incident due to me not dealing with the death. This ultimately caused my downward spiral into opiate addiction due to its slow physical manifestation into my daily life. If you need someone to talk to or need advice on dealing with this issue in your journey through this life, feel free to pm me and I'll most definitely share the knowledge I've gained through my tough times with you. Once again, I'm extremely sorry for your loss, and I hope you can begin the recovery process and proceed with your normal life as a functional human being:).
 
No one knows how long it will take but i heard this ages ago and it stuck about the death of close ones:

You may notice the grieving is over or better when:
It is someone you loved so much, and you start to remember things you did not like about them,
If it is someone you did not get on well with, you start to miss them or recall things you like about them.
 
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