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Does God hate me, or simply like to fuck with me?

S

straightrazor

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 25, 2013
Messages
149
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amazed by duality
I mentioned recently in a post on Sober Living about how my best friend wanted to marry me. I convinced her I loved her but I don't believe in the institution of marriage. Both her and her 3 year old having been living me with.

Tonight I woke up to her in the bath tub, bled out from slicing foot long gashes in her arm and leg. No note yet.

I haven't told he daughter yet. She has no other family. I am going to raise her as long as I can and hopefully I can find some money via a second mortgage or something. I called the police just because making this post, they aren't hear yet. I am afraid this may destroy my sobriety. I don't know how I can live without her. I don't know how I can afford to support her daughter. I just don't know what to do at all.

I don't have any family either so I don't exactly know someone who can watch her daughter while the crime scene people come. Maybe we could go to the zoo? I can't afford it at all but I need to get us both out of the house.

I am so completely lost and destroyed.

I know her daughter isn't my respnsiliy but I love her and she has no one else. Neither of us have anyone else.

I hate my best friend for what she has done to use. She took the easy way out while destroying the lives of the two she loved. Maybe I am speaking out of anger, but FUCK THAT

If I have to take this kid to a homeless shelter I just might be able to justify eating a bullet myself

That cops are here and I haven't proof read this but I need to log off BL and encrypt this drive

Wish us luck
 
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Oh man. I'm so, so sorry. That sounds so lame. But what do you say to something like this?

You're still in control of you, of your life. Just don't relinquish that.
 
So sorry for your loss op, stay strong, you have to be for her daughter. This is a very unfortunate event but i beleve that there is some positive outcome. Pm me if you need to talk.
 
I would do everything and anything I could to get get custody of the girl, which in turn would drive me to maintain sobriety because that is sure something worth staying sober for. No matter how hard it may be right now just think about it. Things will help fall into place it will take much effort and dedication.
 
Man, so sorry! What can any of us say but sorry for ur losses. Come back to vent, rant, or just so u know ur being listened to. If the little girl lived with u for a long period & has no family, could u fight for custody?

RIP
 
I've talked to to DFCS and they won't tell me where the child is, only that she is being well taking care of which I don't believe for a second as I spent a good portion of my childhood in the system. I volunteered to attempt to adopt the child (I'd rather not use any real names in these messages to keep anonymity). I was told while there is a possibility I may one day be able to get custody it won't be anytime soon as I have a small criminal history such as a possession of drugs charge and DUI from 5+ years ago (I pled guilty and the cases were dismissed after 4 years of probation, I am not a convicted felon). While I am not the child's father I am the closest thing she has ever had to one. Her mother and I were best friends for the past 10 years and in an on again off again relationship the whole time. I'm in the process of selling the car my late father left me to attempt to get some money to hire a lawyer. The cops and organizations involved don't seem to like me very much.

I am really at a loss of what to do and I haven't been sleeping well at all. I just can't stand the thought of this child getting lost in the system. I have a line on a pretty decent job on a military base coming up but I am worried that the possession charge may disqualify me even though it was dismissed.

Right now all I want to do is see the child and her mom. I didn't get a chance to properly say goodbye to her mom. I don't know if she is at the hospital or the morgue or what and no one will tell me because I am not family even though she wanted me to be her husband.

I am trying to stay strong but I am so lost. I refuse to let this kid suffer through a childhood anything like mine or her mothers.

The kid looks just like her mom and I can't even look at a picture of her without seeing my best friend.

I am just so unbelievably sad right now but I will find out a way to tough through this.
 
When you are dealing with courts and cops and children's "protective" services the best thing that you can do is to remain as calm as you can. Continue to get help for yourself so that you can be in the most stable position possible under the circumstances.

Do not let this threaten your sobriety. This is the most important thing right now. You have many trials ahead of you not only from the grief you are bound to suffer for quite a while, but in dealing with the authorities concerning your little girl. So when those overwhelming feelings come up you need to face them down each time. Remember what you know: it may be a temporary escape to use again but it will cause permanent damage to the outcome of the situation you are in now. One way to insure that you will lose all contact with your child is to go back to using.

Hang in there and get rest. Is there any free counseling available to you through your county mental health services? I know hospice offers low cost grief counseling and it might really help you to have some tools to deal with all the feelings that are going to surface. I am really sorry for everyone concerned and I hope you can stay in this child's life. <3
 
I would fight for custody of the child. Where I live (and I used to work for child welfare), when kids are apprehended, they try and place them with family or people the kid knows to lessen the stress of change. Seeing as how you're the only steady person in her life, have been there for her since she was born (just assuming, based on what you wrote), then the logical choice would be to place her with you and have supports in place so that you are both ok. We call it kinship care here and they give you an allowance, medical, etc to help raise the child until custody is awarded.

So you have a bit of a tarnished past. Who doesn't?? If you can prove you're clean and can offer a stable, supportive environment for the girl, then I don't see what the issue is. I would definitely talk to the worker/s involved and petition the courts at least for temporary guardianship to start with. It's not going to happen overnight, and it's not going to be easy, but it sounds like you have a bond with each other that needs to be kept. I can't imagine this is an easy thing to deal with, and how do you tell a 3 year old her mommy is gone? This is going to be a long, slow fight but it'll hopefully be worth it in the end. Kudos to you for wanting the girl and wanting to provide a good life for her. I hope this all works out for you!
 
Wow. I can see how you would think God hates you right now. All I can say is that staying sober is the most important thing. Also, that child will be yours again sooner or later. Love has a way of doing great things like that.

We all love you here and wish you the absolute best of luck.
 
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