granddeception2
Ex-Bluelighter
Every day.
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
Does anyone else NOT talk to their parents?
- Thread starter jobe28
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suckerbunnie
Bluelighter
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- Dec 4, 2008
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- 129
The fuck are you talking about? Why would you have to run and hide from anybody? If someone called me claiming I had some non-existant responsibility to someone I couldn't care less about I'd tell them to go fuck themselves or just hang up on them. Your post makes no sense
I find myself in a weird position reading others experiences in this thread as my parents gave me an incredibly stable middle class home, plenty of outdoor exposure, access to a great education.. I know many would love to have had such a chance. And yet, whilst I love my parents and what they have done for me.. at the same time I also feel resentment towards them for passing on their own mental 'state' to me.. but at the same time I know they've done nothing wrong, it's who they are and the result of their own lives and childhoods too. They're just socially awkward, boring.. it's like they're like me inside (don't give a fuck about this pathetic excuse of a civilization) but that they've decided to half put the mask of social pretend back on again. Maybe not boring, traditionally british as in emotionally stunted or afraid to be themselves perhaps?
My first mushroom experience shattered who I thought I was. It wasn't even a particularly powerful trip in trip terms, but it was like a light switched on.. I saw myself and was like "err.. the fuck are you?". Every time I interact with my parents I feel myself being pulled back into this false world of stupid shit that doesn't matter and it tears me in two, because I love them but at the same time I just don't want to be around them and their broken repetitive nature. My siblings (younger) are slowly becoming just like them too.. and it's ironic because my brother copies my reactions to them (i saw this happening as he entered his teens), gets frustrated with them, and yet can't see he is more like them than he could ever imagine.
What can I say.. I know they did the best they could, but I feel like the good parenting stopped around the age of 10-12 because that's the age they are inside emotionally.
PriestTheyCalledHim
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2005
- Messages
- 14,714
Not everyone talks to their parents. I talk to mine.
But I have friends and relatives who either no longer talk to their parents, or they did not talk to them for a long time as adults.
They did this because in some cases their parents were not good parents to they or any of their siblings, they were not raised by their actual parents and were raised by an aunt/uncle/grandparent instead who they were closer to since their biological parents did not want to be parents or have much to do with raising they or their siblings, sometimes a divorce happened when they were very young and they were raised by other relatives who were not their parents, their parents cared or still care more about using drugs and alcohol than being parents, and one friend of mine said how his mom has major mental health issues she refuses to get help for and she says crazy stuff, and even threatened her own son (my friend's brother) so he and his other siblings do not talk to her.
Other people I know who do not talk to their parents or have had periods of time where they did not talk to them said how their parents were not good parents, or did not always want to be parents and wanted their children to take care of them when they should have been putting their children first instead of themselves. In some cases this happened because of the parents being young adults, and in other cases it was because that's how most adults and families were a very long time ago.
I have relatives and friends who did not talk to one or both of their parents as adults, for various reasons, or by their own choice.
But I have friends and relatives who either no longer talk to their parents, or they did not talk to them for a long time as adults.
They did this because in some cases their parents were not good parents to they or any of their siblings, they were not raised by their actual parents and were raised by an aunt/uncle/grandparent instead who they were closer to since their biological parents did not want to be parents or have much to do with raising they or their siblings, sometimes a divorce happened when they were very young and they were raised by other relatives who were not their parents, their parents cared or still care more about using drugs and alcohol than being parents, and one friend of mine said how his mom has major mental health issues she refuses to get help for and she says crazy stuff, and even threatened her own son (my friend's brother) so he and his other siblings do not talk to her.
Other people I know who do not talk to their parents or have had periods of time where they did not talk to them said how their parents were not good parents, or did not always want to be parents and wanted their children to take care of them when they should have been putting their children first instead of themselves. In some cases this happened because of the parents being young adults, and in other cases it was because that's how most adults and families were a very long time ago.
I have relatives and friends who did not talk to one or both of their parents as adults, for various reasons, or by their own choice.
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harmacologist
Ex-Bluelighter
my dad sent me an email about his wife dying of cancer...
send to trash.
send to trash.
JackiePeyton
Ex-Bluelighter
Much like this. Haven't seen or spoke to my parents in 25 or so years. They chose selfishness over their child. I am a stronger person for it.
samnslumberland
Bluelighter
My mom is like my best friend, so even when I'm away at school I call her frequently to catch up. We may disagree on a lot of things, but she is a great support system and will always have my back. As for my dad, we talk but usually only when he approaches me.
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StoneHappyMonday
Bluelighter
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- May 10, 2001
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- 18,084
Bit hard when they've been dead thirty years like.
This is a bit of a strange post for me (personally) - this strange world you speak of, is this the strange world of 'non drug user' or just your parents ? (mushrooms have the ability to really mess with 'your' point of view. You say the good parenting stopped at 12 - was the age of 12 not the age you became aware ?
Do you love your parents ? Do you speak to / endure them?
Mystic Meg says ' take Bearlove to Cambodia'.
motherofearth
Bluelighter
I don't feel like parents get a free pass, but I feel like the threshold for them should be a bit higher in terms of what you will tolerate (barring any kind of abuse). Have you spoken w/ them about how you feel about the relationship? It may not change things, especially within their relationship w/ one another, but it could tilt the dynamic toward where you can see them every once in a while (holidays, a few times a year). Do you live close to them? That'd probably cause them to feel they should be seeing you more often. Moving away could serve as a good buffer and excuse for only seeing them once or twice yearly.
I didn't touch anything until 15 years old. What I meant was that I don't feel my parents really helped me develop the emotional or social side of myself past the age of 12, because they themselves are not really emotionally free or particularly social individuals. I felt like I was left to the mercy of those around me, TV, etc. My dad is a functional alcoholic and my mum a functional oddball (her side of the family is weird). As a result I've struggled to develop my social skills on my own, and I can talk to people fine, but I've been left with anxiety because I have the part of me I developed which is confident, smart, sharp, and the younger part of me which is shy, reclusive, quiet, the part that takes on my parents traits, which is ultimately far stronger and deeper rooted.
It's just there wasn't enough affection or social stimulation from them. I know there wasn't because every time I interacted with others my age I would always feel behind, and seeing their families the mental "mood" was just different. After spending enough time around others I sink into that world fine, and then when I go back home I'm confronted by this different state of mind that my parents are in. EDIT: There was up until the age of 12 I should add, but beyond that age it felt absent. All talk seemed to ever be about school or questions like that.. nothing about sex or girlfriends for example.
I love them in the sense that I know what they've done for me is great, and they continue to help and support me. And I know when they pass on I will feel a deep pain.. I feel that pain ahead of time too because I know one day it will arrive. In terms of talking, I get frustrated easily and fed up of their style of conversation.. it tends to just be directed questions, like they're not actually talking to me.. just trying to get bits of information that either help them some how or doesn't involve them opening up. I've tried to open them up but they don't respond to it.. it's either play the conversation game their way, or be myself and get frustrated.
It's difficult to convey and I probably seem like an arsehole. I don't know. Psychedelics revealed a lot to me about my mind and other people. Sometimes I wish I had never realized what I have. And I know it's not just me because I've found the same realizations hidden within philosophical and esoteric books (not the crazy kind either). As for becoming aware of myself.. I've always analyzed myself and other people.. I'm incredibly introverted by nature. Since my early childhood dream experiences I've been "aware". Hard not to be when you've had astral experiences (think NN-DMT) when you're only 8. Psychedelics made me remember a lot of that stuff too.
Sorry to waffle. I don't get the chance to put this all down very often. Hope it's offered you something and not just bored you to death.
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malakaix
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2008
- Messages
- 3,054
Are you sure you're not me? Holy shit.. that was like looking into a mirror.
Everything you described is very reflective of my own experience with my parents.. they are emotionally stunted, in some way or another. I have never seen them kiss once in my entire life or even hug each other and i'm 25 years old.. can you imagine the impact this leaves on a child about what a relationship is meant to be, or even a family environment? The fuck.. needless to say i was a late bloomer when it came to women and sex
I had to figure all of this out on my own, i think subconsciously i knew i could only explore this dimension of being human away from their presence which is why i moved out at 18 and spent the next 3-4 years living with eccentric characters in the hippie culture, psychedelics (especially DMT) opened up my emotional core and allowed me to connect with people in a way that never existed within my family while growing up..
When i was 21 i attempted to open up to them by sharing my drug use and essentially every secret in my life, this was a last resort attempt to develop a deeper connection with them.. but it proved to be pointless, my mother is too scattered.. she means well and is an incredibly caring individual who will always put others before herself.. but emotionally i am unable to connect with her on a deeper level, the conversation always floats away into the clouds.. my dad; a professional workaholic is only interested in conversation if it relates to work or money in some manner.. been an ex-military/S.A.S soldier.. he is like a rock when it comes to emotions.
I should mention there's a major age gap of about 40 years between myself and them.. so yeah.
So due to this.. i don't talk with them much, my mother more-so then my father but in general it's usually brief. There's just no point.. the conversation just loops in on itself and goes no where, i feel like nothing is ever achieved because its just words without meaning.. there's no depth there because emotionally neither of them are present.. I love them and appreciate everything but what more can you do when there not willing or shut off.. i've come to accept this, and there more like housemates that i visit
-Are you sure you're not me? Holy shit.. that was like looking into a mirror.
Everything you described is very reflective of my own experience with my parents.. they are emotionally stunted, in some way or another. I have never seen them kiss once in my entire life or even hug each other and i'm 25 years old.. can you imagine the impact this leaves on a child about what a relationship is meant to be, or even a family environment? The fuck.. needless to say i was a late bloomer when it came to women and sex
So due to this.. i don't talk with them much, my mother more-so then my father but in general it's usually brief. There's just no point.. the conversation just loops in on itself and goes no where, i feel like nothing is ever achieved because its just words without meaning.. there's no depth there because emotionally neither of them are present.. I love them and appreciate everything but what more can you do when there not willing or shut off.. i've come to accept this, and there more like housemates that i visit
Nice to know there's someone else out there who's experienced a similar thing to myself, though I do believe it's probably quite common to be honest.
I've seen my parents kiss once or twice, they obviously care for each other, but outward affection just seems lacking. I know my mums side of the family is typically conservative and I'm sure that follows through into my parents physical intimacy. I know my dad has a lot of porn mags.. that had a devastating affect on me when a friend discovered them when we were 12/13. What does that say to a child about their parents? About women and sex? This is one reason why I have resentment towards my dad. No encouragement (from either) to pursue girls, nothing about relationships, no personal confidence support or encouragement, the only two things I can think of was when I had female friends to stay when I was 16 and my mum said we couldn't sleep in the same room, and my dad asking me if I was still a virgin when I was 18. That, to me, is pathetic parenting quite frankly. I got all my sex and relationship education from kids at school, culture, and the internet/pornography.
I highlighted the conversation loop bit because that made me laugh.. it's exactly how I would phrase it myself. And I agree, neither seem emotionally present. I think once people get past a certain age they're a lost cause to be honest, their minds crystallize and it's extremely difficult to break the cycle. Best to just leave them to their own devices.
I think many parental/offspring relationships are often strained. Some have closer connections than others. Some of us have two or three step Dad's or Step Mum's which just adds to the dynamics and always makes re unions interesting.
Personally, when my Mum re married when I was 14, she changed. I left two years later due to a toxic home life. The new Step Dad wasn't the problem, she was. She changed. It became very strange when around her. Like I wasn't some kid, her kid anymore, I was some stranger bugging her. So I left. They did little to find me.
After that, we spoke rarely. Eventually the phone calls (phoney calls) increased (though they were superficial at best) and after many years, visits began again.
The woman I thought I knew became a woman I would not wish to know. It was tough and I struggled greatly with this; at first, worried about her mental health, eventually, overwhelmed with the almost wicked energies. Years I have given this. Compassion and understanding of what she may have endured in her youth assisted my rational approach and ability to be treated unfairly BUT hey, after too many years of harshness every time I'd go to her home, well, enough is enough. I retreat.
Their still together and they treat each other well. I am very happy they found each other as she never did well alone; I just keep assuming I'll get my Mother back because she seems fine on the phone (which took us years to get to) yet/but every time I actually spend time, alone time with her, this other woman shows up and she's not so nice. So yeah, do I feel like a shmo for not liking my Mother? Absolutely. Do I know my decision to guard my heart around her is just? Yes I do.
It is sad but that unconditional love between a mother and child is something I have lost.
Personally, when my Mum re married when I was 14, she changed. I left two years later due to a toxic home life. The new Step Dad wasn't the problem, she was. She changed. It became very strange when around her. Like I wasn't some kid, her kid anymore, I was some stranger bugging her. So I left. They did little to find me.
After that, we spoke rarely. Eventually the phone calls (phoney calls) increased (though they were superficial at best) and after many years, visits began again.
The woman I thought I knew became a woman I would not wish to know. It was tough and I struggled greatly with this; at first, worried about her mental health, eventually, overwhelmed with the almost wicked energies. Years I have given this. Compassion and understanding of what she may have endured in her youth assisted my rational approach and ability to be treated unfairly BUT hey, after too many years of harshness every time I'd go to her home, well, enough is enough. I retreat.
Their still together and they treat each other well. I am very happy they found each other as she never did well alone; I just keep assuming I'll get my Mother back because she seems fine on the phone (which took us years to get to) yet/but every time I actually spend time, alone time with her, this other woman shows up and she's not so nice. So yeah, do I feel like a shmo for not liking my Mother? Absolutely. Do I know my decision to guard my heart around her is just? Yes I do.
It is sad but that unconditional love between a mother and child is something I have lost.
lilyinclouds
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
- Messages
- 11
After my mom passed away, my dad snapped. I dont blame him, everyone reacts differently. We both went to therapy to help us through but he cut that off, said he didnt like crying, so he started drinking and smoking. Then the abuse started. Long story short, after 4 years of it, I ran out and called the police.
We worked on our relationship over the years. I was 15 when I left, it wasnt until I was 20 that we sat down and really talked. I forgave him, he is my dad.
Flash forward 4 more years. He snapped again. Pulled a gun on my step mom. Spend 3 months in jail. Few months later, tracked my sister, pulled a gun on her. Went to jail again....I had just spoken to him the day before, all seemed so well.
Currently, its been 10 months. I refuse to speak to him. Over and over I try to be there,help him, listen,anything for him. But I had to step back,how long will I let him drag me down, let him distract me from my life?
So I dont let it hurt me anymore. I'll always love him, I can forgive him, but I dont want that kind of violence, negativity, and darkness in my life. I can live with that
We worked on our relationship over the years. I was 15 when I left, it wasnt until I was 20 that we sat down and really talked. I forgave him, he is my dad.
Flash forward 4 more years. He snapped again. Pulled a gun on my step mom. Spend 3 months in jail. Few months later, tracked my sister, pulled a gun on her. Went to jail again....I had just spoken to him the day before, all seemed so well.
Currently, its been 10 months. I refuse to speak to him. Over and over I try to be there,help him, listen,anything for him. But I had to step back,how long will I let him drag me down, let him distract me from my life?
So I dont let it hurt me anymore. I'll always love him, I can forgive him, but I dont want that kind of violence, negativity, and darkness in my life. I can live with that
Give_me_some_pants
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2014
- Messages
- 77
I'm not saying my mom turned me into a xanax and oxycontin addict, but she certainly opened the door. My dad was my best friend after mum kicked me out at 16, he'd get me high before school and we'd drink all night. My mom is now psychotic, and my dad replaced me with his new family. fuck parents. took me a while to learn how to stand on my own two feet. props in a way for doing it yourself.
EDIT
I was also known for going to school with black eyes that came from "bullies at the bus stop". I think I deserved those though. You tend to act like a complete piece of shite when you want attention and your older brother can do no wrong.
I also feel it necessary to put out there that I called off all my friends from beating his nerdy ass for putting his hands on his girlfriend at school, and he still turned the argument he was having to my mother into an ungodly ass whooping for me smoking pot on campus.
Parents can suck. Learn from their mistakes and never be like them.
EDIT
I was also known for going to school with black eyes that came from "bullies at the bus stop". I think I deserved those though. You tend to act like a complete piece of shite when you want attention and your older brother can do no wrong.
I also feel it necessary to put out there that I called off all my friends from beating his nerdy ass for putting his hands on his girlfriend at school, and he still turned the argument he was having to my mother into an ungodly ass whooping for me smoking pot on campus.
Parents can suck. Learn from their mistakes and never be like them.
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Tude
Bluelight Crew
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- Aug 20, 2011
- Messages
- 11,204
I don't feel anyone should have to justify their relationship with anyone, including their parents, to anyone. We all subconsciously know what's best for us and trying to force something is ill advised. Do what's right for you.
I will say my teachers had a much, much stronger influence in my upbringing than my parents ever did. I'm basically everything my parents are not.
I will say my teachers had a much, much stronger influence in my upbringing than my parents ever did. I'm basically everything my parents are not.