Does anyone else feel like it's not worth it?

[Cancerdead]

I don't want to discourage anyone from getting clean, if you can get clean, stay clean, and be happy then god bless you. I was using painkillers, started with morphine, then percs, oxy, opana, heroin, pretty much any opiate I could get my hands on. This went on for about a year when I finally realized I had a problem but I didn't know what to do about it so I kept using. Then a friend who was in the same boat as me told me about suboxone, I was told (and stupidly believed) that suboxone was some miracle drug that was non-addictive and it's sole purpose was to alleviate withdrawal symptoms. It was cheap and easy to come by so I started taking it, telling myself I could take all I wanted thinking I was helping myself to quit. Then I tried stopping the suboxone, I went through withdrawal that actually felt worse than the withdrawal from the other painkillers I had been taking so carelessly. I quit, relapsed, quit, relapsed, for about 4 years. Then something terrible happened, a very close friend of mine overdosed and passed away. She was only 24. I blame myself for not being there for her, for not knowing how far she had gone. I'll never get to say sorry. Anyway, I decided that this was the last straw and I went cold turkey, I was taking 16mgs every day and I just stopped. The withdrawals were miserable, I lay in bed day after day begging god for death. I found myself digging through old suboxone wrappers, desperate. Thinking maybe I somehow left some in an old wrapper. It was pathetic. I haven't touched the stuff since sept 20th and I understand that recovery takes a long time. The thing is, I just can't see the point. I can't help but think that we are all going to die anyway, why not die being "happy" why should I put myself through this when I can just use and die and be done with all of this. To me life is misery. You're born, you struggle to survive, you love things just so you can hurt when you lose them, and then you die. So what is the point? I just want to find a reason to stay clean but I just can't do it. If anyone can help me I'd greatly appreciate it. I know it's asking a lot but I don't know what else to do.

 

[Cancerdead]

Hmm, I'm guessing my post was a little too grim.

 

[smokemctoke420]

jesus man. of course your withdraw was gonna be bad. if i understand it right then you were on it for 4 years (sub) at 16mgs and just hopped off, or hopped off at 16 mgs either way? should have tapered off to way lower of a dose. you cant hop off that high and not expect trouble.

ive taken suboxone for withdraws and im starting my own maintenance with 30 8mg sub pills i got from my sister yesterday until i get into this 3 month program for damn near free next month. Its not a quick fix. you gotta do other work to. like right now, i chart my daily triggers, clean time, times i craved and why, go to 2-3 meetings a week starting next week, setting up IOP on firday and suboxone program next month. i only for 2 days no alcohol, and 6 days clean from dope. im craving right now so i took a small piece of sub (was craving alcohol not opies suprisingly)and i texted a girl ive known for 8 years and told her ive felt like shit this afternoon and i wanna get fucked up. i feel a little better telling her that. im also gonna journal it when i write my daily entry tonight.

She has'nt respondd yet, but she will and im sure its gonna be something that will lift my spirits, or convince me not to drink. im not gonna go drink anyways but still. you need positive people in your life, and someone to talk to, or vent to. you need a support system. i had to come clean to like 6 close people, including this girl, to get this support system. that was the easy part suprisingly and using your support system is hard cuz your user side doesnt want that.

You can get yourself together man, you just gotta do a little work. Im sorry about your friend. i couldnt imagine if this girl passed away. i have a support system but i would fel like i have no one cuz i can tell her anything. thats gotta be a horrible feeling but think about what she would want you to be doing right now. im sure she would want you to not spiral down because she died, but do better and not let that happen to yourself. believe or not people love you and even if its just that one person, there is definetly a person out there that loves you and would be devastated if something happen to you. pick up the pieces and move on man. you didnt post here because you dont wanna get clean. it sounds like you posted here because you dont know where to start and you can consider this the first step.

edit: my friend texted me back and told me its probaly my internal clock fucking me up, plus its just me here so im a wee bit lonely. but yeah at work these last few months i never noticed it but my friend told me that i drink at almost 7pm everytime i drink at work (lately its been almost everyday but i dont get hammered till i get home). i woke up at 7pm and by 720 drinking popped in my head. i guess that will change in time. she made me feel a little better tho. if you stay clean for a few days you will see things start to change already. i wanted to stop and 3 days later im already told that my work ethic is better and that im a nice(r) person to be around. socialize, even if its just at work and talking to people will make you feel better if that person is a positive person. good luck man. You can do it.

 

[Dunno]

I agree. I believe everyone's life is already planned. Some people are just born addicts.

 

[Cancerdead]

It's good you have a friend like that. I had a friend like that, someone you can always talk to about pretty much anything right? Always helpful. I guess I'll just see how it goes from here on out. I can't move on though, friends are supposed to be there for each other and I wasn't. That's something I gotta live with for the rest of my life. Thanks for the kind words, and I wish you luck with your own situation.

 

[neversickanymore]

We determine how our life is. how our life is based on our perception. Our perception is based on our thoughts. we control our thoughts. so we control how out life is. We dont control allot of what happens in our lives but we control how we choose to think about what happens.. why are you choosing to be so miserable




You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Marcus Aurelius


Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.
Marcus Aurelius

Our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius

 

[Bearlove]

Happiness can be a spark, a flash of light - happiness can be a long burning bed of embers.

Overcoming a problem / troubles can give a great deal of happiness - can make you stronger and give you whats needed to face the next problem that comes along.

When you have just lost somebody close to you - your own problems seem amplified. If that person you loved/cared for came to you a day before they said 'It's not worth it' tomorrow I am going to end my life - you would try and convince them that there's something worth living for?

 

[belfort]

"We determine how our life is"

ehh im not so sure about this one..many different factors go into how our brain operates...many neuroscientists would disagree with what you said..im not sure what i believe anymore, some people seem to have the ability to change overnight but most dont or arent able to for some reason..

getting sober is not some miracle process where you wake up feeling like superman and life is perfect..thats not reality, getting sober just relieves you of living the druggy, broke lifestyle...getting sober opens many doors and some of them are to the brutal realities we have been ignoring by our drug use..i dont pretend to have the answers to your problem as by the time i got clean i was so numbed and shell-shocked mentally that i didnt care much about what went on around me..just be glad you are still able to feel strong emotions like you arem u just have to make it work for you instead of against you.

 

[neversickanymore]

I definitely dont think it is something that happens overnight by any means.. and it is definitely not something that once it happens it is a permanent. As you said its a process and something that needs to be worked on. A very good first step is not judging any thing as bad.. its really not bad until we say it is. I just decided that I'm done making myself miserable. If I start to get down or upset I examine my thoughts and determine where my thinking is making me this way. Our thoughts turn out to be really powerful things and when we realize that we actually control them and stop letting them control us we can experience a quite rapid change in our lives, even though our lives continue to be largely out of our control. Give a shot to the not judging things a bad, it takes time and practice.. but like everything else moves pretty quickly, and please let us know what your experience is. It is interesting when you go back and look at allot of quotes from amazing people like Marcus, buddha, etc etc you have all those people saying this exact same thing.. I will take the time to track down some of these quotes latter and post them here. When I started to realize this was true, I was astounded at both how little pleasure and enjoyment I used to let myself have, how miserable I used to make myself, and how amazingly simple and powerful and elusive this concept is. Once you see through the this the world becomes an amazing place.

 

[Cancerdead]

You guys are great, to be honest I wasn't really sure anyone would bother wasting their time with my thread. I appreciate it, kind of restores some of my fait in humanity. I'm sure some of you have lost people that were close to you, for whatever reason. What do you do about the nightmares? My friend died on september 11th of this year, since then I can't sleep. I'm afraid to go to sleep. No matter how much I fight it I always end up passing out from sheer exhaustion. I just keep having the same nightmare over and over again. I'm assuming it's because I feel guilty but I'm not really sure how to stop feeling guilty, or if I deserve to not feel guilty. If there is one thing I've learned in my life it's this, Don't EVER let something stupid and small get in the way of someone you care about. I can't even remember what we were arguing about, don't even care anymore, but it kept me from making amends.

 

[dayve]

I feel that way every time I try to get clean. I have the same rationale: 'What's the point? Life sux, then ya die, I'll just go out happy and high'. I have had about 19 months clean at one point, and life was still mundane, boring, and depressing. But, I think that's kind of the point of life... the duality of it. gain, loss, happy, sad... you get the point. But, you're not alone in feeling that way. I said the same to myself two days ago. why don't you stay on the suboxone for maintenance therapy? A lot of people see a problem with replacement therapy. I, however do not. If addiction is a disease then these replacement medications (methadone, and suboxone) are the drugs keeping us alive. It works for me, kind of, replacement and maintenance therapy that is.

 

[dayve]

I lost my wife of 10 years to an overdose. she was sitting in the same room as me when she went. However, she took the drugs, she knew her tolerances, and she would be the first to say that her actions were her own. I felt a little guilty about it, b/c I used to watch her when she was really high like that... making sure she was still alive... that night i didn't for some reason. I didn't let the feelings of guilt set in though. And I think that was the right move.

 

[gerry978]

Very glad you started this thread, cancerdead. I struggle with the "what's the point" crap nearly everyday. I'm 1 yr, 10 months clean and sober. Some things got better, many still suck.....a lot. Sometimes the suck times are about getting more and more clear about how much I fucked up, sometimes it's about the time wasted, sometimes it's because the sky is blue....Shortly after cleaning myself up, I was diagnosed with three fairly painful conditions that are only getting worse. I have refused the heavy duty pain meds out of fear that I wouldn't be able to control it. But my life is getting smaller and smaller - don't leave the house a lot, am able to walk very short distances, don't sleep much due to how uncomfortable I am.............that pretty much sums up my current "what's the point".

 

[Cancerdead]

Well I guess I should count my blessings. I just hate how I can be with all my friends, everyone around me is having a grande ole' time, and I'm sitting there wishing I was high. I gotta say being bored is the worst damn thing in the world, sitting around the house with nothing to do. I can't help but think "why fight it?" I guess at some point I started thinking about how my using was affecting the people who care about me. That seemed to help me change my way of thinking. I'm only like 46 days? sober? I can't remember exactly. I still think about it everyday but I usually try to get out of the house, on days that's not possible I smoke some pot and that usually takes my mind off of it, at least for a little while.

 

[Vaya]

Cancerdead, your post strikes many points that are so intertwined with addiction; I'm glad you wrote a 'grim' post, because the fact of it is that addiction is almost ubiquitously a grim affair. Let's not sugar-coat it as otherwise! I think that, in order to adequately address the issues you're communicating, we've got to submit to the "dark" in The Dark Side.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. You're right - so young, and so obviously tragic May she rest in peace.
I can, to the extent that my experience allows me, relate to the pain you feel with respect to her passing. The pain, and the guilt. And the shame. I am 27 years old, and have lost 27 friends to drug-related deaths. It feels really eerie. How am I still running? Why am I, of all of them, still breathing? Typing? Loving and living?

These are questions without clear answers, obviously. But they are painful, yet poignant, reminders of why I decided to nix opiates/opioids from my life.

I know that the withdrawal can be especially painful. And so it goes with substances whose effects profile exhibits both physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms, many of which persist long after initially getting sober. But don't, as many do, think of the struggle as a battle. As a 'battle,' you'd only be battling yourself. Battling oneself leaves no winner.

Instead, I like to view the pain and sorrow as an opportunity. We tend to grow as people after having undergone periods of distress and adversity. If you stick with your plan - that is, to stay sober and away from these drugs - I can say without reservation that you will stabilize. It took you, from reading your post, maybe four or five years of struggling with the opiates to come to this point. And now you're miserable. Your misery is justified, as is the misery of those countless others before you who have gone through the same thing (I, too, belong to this group). This situation, the frustration of it all, reminds me of the quote "the world wasn't made in a day." And neither was your psychological dependence on narcotics. Facing this fact, we arrive at the irrefutable conclusion that it's going to take a long time for you to understand that it is worth the effort and pain. After all, it took a long time to dig the hole you're currently in, did it not?

And thus, I will leave you with this. Give it time, because time really does heal all.

It is worth it, because you are worth it. Strive, in all that you do during these upcoming weeks, to sincerely love yourself. Because you ARE worth it. We all are, and some times we simply need the encouragement of others to be reminded of that.

Peace & Good Will.

~ Vaya

 

[Cancerdead]

Cancerdead, your post strikes many points that are so intertwined with addiction; I'm glad you wrote a 'grim' post, because the fact of it is that addiction is almost ubiquitously a grim affair. Let's not sugar-coat it as otherwise! I think that, in order to adequately address the issues you're communicating, we've got to submit to the "dark" in The Dark Side.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. You're right - so young, and so obviously tragic May she rest in peace.
I can, to the extent that my experience allows me, relate to the pain you feel with respect to her passing. The pain, and the guilt. And the shame. I am 27 years old, and have lost 27 friends to drug-related deaths. It feels really eerie. How am I still running? Why am I, of all of them, still breathing? Typing? Loving and living?

These are questions without clear answers, obviously. But they are painful, yet poignant, reminders of why I decided to nix opiates/opioids from my life.

I know that the withdrawal can be especially painful. And so it goes with substances whose effects profile exhibits both physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms, many of which persist long after initially getting sober. But don't, as many do, think of the struggle as a battle. As a 'battle,' you'd only be battling yourself. Battling oneself leaves no winner.

Instead, I like to view the pain and sorrow as an opportunity. We tend to grow as people after having undergone periods of distress and adversity. If you stick with your plan - that is, to stay sober and away from these drugs - I can say without reservation that you will stabilize. It took you, from reading your post, maybe four or five years of struggling with the opiates to come to this point. And now you're miserable. Your misery is justified, as is the misery of those countless others before you who have gone through the same thing (I, too, belong to this group). This situation, the frustration of it all, reminds me of the quote "the world wasn't made in a day." And neither was your psychological dependence on narcotics. Facing this fact, we arrive at the irrefutable conclusion that it's going to take a long time for you to understand that it is worth the effort and pain. After all, it took a long time to dig the hole you're currently in, did it not?

And thus, I will leave you with this. Give it time, because time really does heal all.

It is worth it, because you are worth it. Strive, in all that you do during these upcoming weeks, to sincerely love yourself. Because you ARE worth it. We all are, and some times we simply need the encouragement of others to be reminded of that.

Peace & Good Will.

~ Vaya

Man, 27? I can't even imagine losing that many people. I think I'd be all out of friends if that happened. Well I'm more than a month clean now, still having those days that seem so monotonous and hideously boring, and all I can think about is going onto facebook or picking up the phone and getting that garbage again. Each day that I don't succumb to this is kind of a big deal for me. It's rough and I know I have a lot more to deal with for however much longer I'll feel this way. I would say 5 years is accurate, started when I was 18 and I'm 23 now, will be 24 in Nov. Thanks for the kind words and support, it's nice to know that others have been there and made it through to the other side.

 

[Vaya]

Man, 27? I can't even imagine losing that many people. I think I'd be all out of friends if that happened. Well I'm more than a month clean now, still having those days that seem so monotonous and hideously boring, and all I can think about is going onto facebook or picking up the phone and getting that garbage again. Each day that I don't succumb to this is kind of a big deal for me. It's rough and I know I have a lot more to deal with for however much longer I'll feel this way. I would say 5 years is accurate, started when I was 18 and I'm 23 now, will be 24 in Nov. Thanks for the kind words and support, it's nice to know that others have been there and made it through to the other side.

I hear you; I want to share a link that neversickanymore shared with me that I really like. Perhaps it may be of some help to you - I certainly hope so.

What...Me, Sober?

 

[Cancerdead]

I hear you; I want to share a link that neversickanymore shared with me that I really like. Perhaps it may be of some help to you - I certainly hope so.

What...Me, Sober?

Oh! I've actually read that a couple times, very informative. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know about P.A.W.S until I read that. A little discouraging but it's always helpful to know what to expect.

 

[weekend addiction]

I feel this way all the time. But at the end of the day I know my life IS going in a better direction. While I'm not necessarily any happier than before I'm atleast setting myself up for something better in the future.

 

[Vaya]

Oh! I've actually read that a couple times, very informative. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know about P.A.W.S until I read that. A little discouraging but it's always helpful to know what to expect.

Exactly; though the symptoms can last well past the acute stages... IDK. I have yet to read an article about PWS ("Permanent Withdrawal Syndrome")... So, there's always reason to smile, I suppose!