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Does anyone else do this?...

fivelinefury

fivelinefury

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 25, 2006
Messages
1,171
Location
Melbourne, AUSTRALIA
I'm just wondering, whoever you are, whether ur an addict, recovering addict, clean, cut use down, etc. Like me, do you ever use thoughts in your head along the lines of "oh well, I've always got that next high I can have to think about to get me through this right now", or "I can always just deliberately just go back to the full blown addict I was to feel some sort of happiness again", even though that is what I have been trying to get away from.

Even though these thoughts are like the complete opposite of what I should be thinking, with the possibility of "falling back into my old ways completely", I just cannot help but have the thought of drugs to always "fall back on", and feel like, well everyone else around me isn't just thinking about drugs all day and all night, but why do I have to.

Am I really ever going to change and be 100% sober as long as I am thinking this way, or do others just always get thoughts like this too and have to learn to live with it?

Thanks guys and gals <3
 
I get thoughts like that sometimes. It's mostly when I am under a lot of stress and/or really depressed.
 
hrm yeah, that makes sense, since I've fallen back into being pretty depressed again lately. I guess it's the first shit I think of to "make everything better".
 
Yeah, if you've been addicted to a serious substance (opiates, meth etc), it's likely that your mind will start thinking about this substance when you're under a lot of stress. These thoughts tend to subside the longer your stay clean. I've been clean for about 18 months and I rarely get such thoughts anymore.

A lot of it has to do with keeping busy and productive. If you're life is on a positive trajectory, I feel that you'll encounter less situations where you start thinking about using again.
 
This isnt a process that happens over night. It takes time, and before i went into the military i was in the same situation you are. Try and make a goal for yourself, like training for an event like the spartan race or the tough mudder, or if you arnt into that kind of stuff find one that interests you. I found that physical exercise when i was thinking to just say "fuck it, if i score all these feelings will go away and i can feel happy" but for how long? until the high wears off and than you are back at square one. Physical exercise wore my body out, kept my mind off of it. Like they say, "Idle hands are the devils playground" I hope this helps. You can even go see a doc about a detox program.
 
^ Thanks m8, yeah I do need to be more active, but I just keep slipping back into doing almost nothing again. I've actually got a doctors appointment tomorrow, which I need, but he's been tapering me off diazepam for 2 years now 8(

And, that time was a probably a while ago now 2spun4one, as I wait for this codeine to kick in, in the middle of the night 8)
 
When I'm having a bad day I start to think that "I could always go back to being a full blown addict". When I was using everyday all day long I truly thought I was happy. But, I wasn't happy, I was lost in a box. There were so many good things and opportunities going on around me and I missed it all. That's when I realize that if I do go back to full time party mode I'm going to loose everything I have now (spiritual, emmotional and material) I've made peace with the fact that I will never be 100% sober but, I will be 80% - 90% sober!
 
hm yeah, I understand what you mean about being lost with good things going on around you. In the end before I had to leave my job (which was a pretty good paying job, I was earning more in a year than my father and living with my parents), all I was doing was only just functioning to work enough hours to buy copious amounts of mainly valium pills (and always something else), and off to the pub every night drinking and gambling, and drink/drug myself to sleep, then drag my arse outta bed and do it all again the next day 8) Yeah I mighta had an ok job, too much money really, could have owned a house, but missed a lot of shit by only focusing on being off my face 24/7.

I know some of this sounds materialistic, but I really should have a hell of a lot more than I do now 8)
 
Yeah, I use to think like this all the time. I could always fall back into drugs.

I used for so long and fucked up every relationship I ever had it makes me sick to even thinking about using now. I get tremendous amounts of guilt if I get high, which has actually been a good motivator for sobriety.

Too bad it took me 10 years to get my shit together.
 
^ Yeah it always seems to take "years". It's taken me 2 years of starting to become sober now so far, to get to where I am now (which is probably 90% sober compared to 2 years ago), and after visiting my doctor today, I now have to start seeing a new psychologist for my anxiety/depression (again), and he said he will leave me on just 4mg diazepam for ANOTHER year if needed, because of my state of anxiety. It just takes forever. This will now be my 3rd psychologist in my life, as well as a drug/alcohol counsellor, a couple of psychiatrists and a couple of doctors :\

I have actually felt some guilt when getting high sometimes. I think this depends on what frame of mind I'm in at the time of using, but I can certainly understand how it would make it easier if I felt more guilt to help stop using or drinking too much.
 
LilbabiC said:
When I'm having a bad day I start to think that "I could always go back to being a full blown addict". When I was using everyday all day long I truly thought I was happy. But, I wasn't happy, I was lost in a box. There were so many good things and opportunities going on around me and I missed it all. That's when I realize that if I do go back to full time party mode I'm going to loose everything I have now (spiritual, emmotional and material) I've made peace with the fact that I will never be 100% sober but, I will be 80% - 90% sober!
Click to expand...

Totally agree.

edit: omg I missed out on so many things I can't even count them, and I'm probably not aware of most
 
Early in my recovery, yes. This is why a basic tenet of AA/NA is "One Day At A Time." All you really can do is
promise that just for today, you'll remain clean. Next thing you know, you have ten years of "just for today".
 
It's not so much that I fall back onto drugs; it's more like they find me, while I'm already falling.

For me, drugs are either a rocket booster, parachute, or both.... never an escape. I can escape anytime inside my mind, though it doesn't take long before I'm climbing the walls.


8)
 
People dig that which is familiar to them. In times of turmoil or uncertainty, said need for 'familiarity' increases. Ever found yourself distinctly recalling a certain scent or taste that reminded you of childhood? Craving drugs is no different, IMHO. The tastes and scents that remind you of your childhood home now certainly still at least appeal to senses that although you may not still want to consume, you feel comfortable and at ease with. Personally, whenever I feel as though I do not know where to turn in life, I find myself seeking comfort in that which I know and can predict. Drug addicts are essentially control freaks. We want to control how we feel—even if we feel a loss of control. To crave such familiarity is human. To crave a crutch of that which we know is human. To act on something when we know it makes us inhuman is addiction.
 
^ So true hun. I'm probably even worse too, due to high levels of anxiety, I always go to my comfort zones which I am used to.

Bill said:
What I've learned though is that it doesn't make anything better
It just numbs you until the drugs run out and then you're in worse shape than before
Click to expand...

Yeah, story of my life ere haha 8(
 
Very normal to have thought like that...they key is to be diligent in CHANGING your way of thinking. Once that thought kreeps up-think of all the negative things that have come from your use/abuse. then think of the POSITIVE things in being clean. That is what I do-after TWO DECADES of use/abuse and addiction to some VERY hard drugs,when that thought creeps up I think of how good it feels to not be a slave to addiction-to having that well known monkey on my back that forces me to go out and cop cash-then deal w/ my dealers at their convenience to cop my shit(mainly the worst for me was dope and speed-I was a severe IV speedballer for a while),how much healthier my body and mind are,that I remember where I put shit,that I don't have chunks of time gone when I wake from the night-or even days before,that I don't have fresh "tell tale" track marks,that I have done this on my own-well w/ my Psychiatrist,Family(parents and sibling),my other counselor and BLUELIGHT.this is my 2nd time in 10 years at achieving REAL clean time-10 yrs ago when i sought professional help and was chemically detoxed of alcohol and gave up several other substances I had become addicted to over about an 8 year period. I made it a little over 5 months TOTALLY clean and going to therapy and NA meetings.I was 24. Now at 35 I have beaten that record-I no longer count the days-I just tell myself as someone else mentioned above-one day at a time-just for today. I also don't attend meetings anymore,but I do work the steps w/ my Psychiatrist.
your thoughts are normal-but you CAN change them.

God~(if you are religious,I ask the Universe personally)
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things i CAN,
And the WISDOM to know the difference.

use these word as a mantra-or find your own w/ in your beliefs and comfort zone. Having a personal mantra to deter such thoughts as you described is crutial in changing the way you think.
Regardless....you CAN do it. I believe in you. Time to believe in yourself. <3


MUCH peace and love and support.............................skillz <3
 
^ Thanks for some advice there! And it sounds like you've overcome heaps of stuff yourself. I think I do tend to fail with what you and Missykins earlier said, about thinking/promising to be sober just for today, everyday. When I was using more I always thought of myself as someone that "never worried about the future", probably because all I cared about was that high at that time, whereas nowadays I've gone to the other end of the scale, worrying too much about the future. Probably not thinking one day at a time enough.
 
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