A lot has happened since I got busted Feb 2013. Too much to really get into, but a couple highlights: mom threw me out on the street about June 20, 2013 because she's getting older, wants things her way or not at all, wanted way more money than I could afford on fixed disability income like $600-$800/mo, is pissed cause I didn't either pay what she wanted as I did in the past or not pay but do a, b, c, d, e, and f if paying $300-$400/mo only. In other words stop sleeping all the fucking time, which I was/am guilty of, but not cause I want to. I told her 30 day notice at least please, she said no.
Funny thing is I'm thinking fine. It is what it is. This fatigue hit me like a pile of bricks end of 2008 and began while I had been alcohol/drug free 27 mo. It was in fact the last 9mo of sobriety I tried like hell to find out why and treat or cure the cause of being tired 24/7. Rent had to be paid, life went on, its demands went on so reluctantly MD found nothing, I felt tired 24/7 no matter how much or little sleep I got. Meth was the only treatment I knew would allow me to be awake and do something beside sleep.
After 3 yrs an my check that kept getting smaller an smaller with no relief from bills in sight, gave me a mother of an anxiety attack one night to drive. I've been off work since Oct 2012. I knew once kicked out, there would be nothing but a shitload of trouble with the law, as I've been on probation and had nowhere to go except sleep in my car and/or live at drug house. I got tired of sleeping in my car and like to shower every day, a luxury not even mom allowed more than twice a week. Long story short house got raided many times as I knew it would.
While not busted for more drugs, its a violation for me just to be there. As I said to my PO what was I supposed to do? Hud or discount housing takes a couple years in the mean time not even sober living homes want me cause of my Rx pain med. Fine by me if you wanna know the truth. While willing to meet halfway and not do meth, sorry not quitting both. Not ready, willing, or able at this time. Finally I caught a break, as I explained to my doc the legal hassles and asked him to write me some letters to get the courts to please back off demanding I pay these clowns for probation, court fines, blah blah.
When he told me he's very concerned and quite sure I have liver cancer, oddly enough I feel a huge relief cause now the world don't think I'm a liar an just bullshitting to get a free ride on the dole. They almost threw me in jail when I went to court as ordered every month for being in violation and living where I was, ect. I showed the public defenders the two letters from doc listing my many life threatening medical problems and glad I had told my P.O the reason I had been livin where I was and my sheets of med problems. The DA wanted to throw me to the wolves and I had begged my PD to please allow me to park car at moms and get property at motel. Its all I've got.
Hands behind ur back, I heard yet again and resigned myself to the fact I'm done. Its jails and the street from here on out. Yes, I know half this mess is my fault. As for the rest, it don't matter a dope fiend is by default a felon. Never mind I'm not the sort of addict that steals to get drugs. I was in fact asleep on the couch at my friends the day I got busted after being out of trouble with the law 7 yrs nor was I on probation or parole the time they unlawfully searched me even though they had who they wanted in custody.
Tough break. It is what it is. Although not jumping for joy having cancer, I'm damn glad for once I might be catching a break. The judge, pub defenders, and my P.O seemed to be on my side because of the proof of cancer/low income/homelessness. I make enough money to pay motel every other week that's it. I don't know what the hell awaits me in court tomorrow AM, but its specifically court for medical/legal/homeless and solves the housing issue by providing affordable housing or something, but I don't know what.
Hope it works out and that per chance maybe there's an end in sight to this whole flippin nightmare at last. Funny thing is, aside from the chronic fatigue, I don't feel like I have cancer. I haven't lost my looks yet because of it apparently judging by how men still look at me walking down the street. I'm pushin 50, an old broad except I don't feel old. WTF how did 1/2 century be practically gone? It feels good to have hope for once instead of never ending despair. If I get help with housing, anything other than jail or sober living, then this hell being on the street and harassed by the cops will have been worth it. While not in agreement with mom, I'm glad to be out of her house. She's gotten way too mean and way too rigid with her rules. No shower past 11pm, no more than 2/wk 2min long, no goin in or out of house past 8pm, no goin to kitchen or walkn down hall past 10pm cause it makes her nervous, bedroom must be picked up, mattress included, put back exactly as she always has it, to name a few rigid rules. I told her there's no way she'll ever get another renter, let alone one for $800/mo lol. She agrees. That said, I 'm just glad to be in this motel I paid for the week. I only hope tomorrow brings good news. Peace out.
Funny thing is I'm thinking fine. It is what it is. This fatigue hit me like a pile of bricks end of 2008 and began while I had been alcohol/drug free 27 mo. It was in fact the last 9mo of sobriety I tried like hell to find out why and treat or cure the cause of being tired 24/7. Rent had to be paid, life went on, its demands went on so reluctantly MD found nothing, I felt tired 24/7 no matter how much or little sleep I got. Meth was the only treatment I knew would allow me to be awake and do something beside sleep.
After 3 yrs an my check that kept getting smaller an smaller with no relief from bills in sight, gave me a mother of an anxiety attack one night to drive. I've been off work since Oct 2012. I knew once kicked out, there would be nothing but a shitload of trouble with the law, as I've been on probation and had nowhere to go except sleep in my car and/or live at drug house. I got tired of sleeping in my car and like to shower every day, a luxury not even mom allowed more than twice a week. Long story short house got raided many times as I knew it would.
While not busted for more drugs, its a violation for me just to be there. As I said to my PO what was I supposed to do? Hud or discount housing takes a couple years in the mean time not even sober living homes want me cause of my Rx pain med. Fine by me if you wanna know the truth. While willing to meet halfway and not do meth, sorry not quitting both. Not ready, willing, or able at this time. Finally I caught a break, as I explained to my doc the legal hassles and asked him to write me some letters to get the courts to please back off demanding I pay these clowns for probation, court fines, blah blah.
When he told me he's very concerned and quite sure I have liver cancer, oddly enough I feel a huge relief cause now the world don't think I'm a liar an just bullshitting to get a free ride on the dole. They almost threw me in jail when I went to court as ordered every month for being in violation and living where I was, ect. I showed the public defenders the two letters from doc listing my many life threatening medical problems and glad I had told my P.O the reason I had been livin where I was and my sheets of med problems. The DA wanted to throw me to the wolves and I had begged my PD to please allow me to park car at moms and get property at motel. Its all I've got.
Hands behind ur back, I heard yet again and resigned myself to the fact I'm done. Its jails and the street from here on out. Yes, I know half this mess is my fault. As for the rest, it don't matter a dope fiend is by default a felon. Never mind I'm not the sort of addict that steals to get drugs. I was in fact asleep on the couch at my friends the day I got busted after being out of trouble with the law 7 yrs nor was I on probation or parole the time they unlawfully searched me even though they had who they wanted in custody.
Tough break. It is what it is. Although not jumping for joy having cancer, I'm damn glad for once I might be catching a break. The judge, pub defenders, and my P.O seemed to be on my side because of the proof of cancer/low income/homelessness. I make enough money to pay motel every other week that's it. I don't know what the hell awaits me in court tomorrow AM, but its specifically court for medical/legal/homeless and solves the housing issue by providing affordable housing or something, but I don't know what.
Hope it works out and that per chance maybe there's an end in sight to this whole flippin nightmare at last. Funny thing is, aside from the chronic fatigue, I don't feel like I have cancer. I haven't lost my looks yet because of it apparently judging by how men still look at me walking down the street. I'm pushin 50, an old broad except I don't feel old. WTF how did 1/2 century be practically gone? It feels good to have hope for once instead of never ending despair. If I get help with housing, anything other than jail or sober living, then this hell being on the street and harassed by the cops will have been worth it. While not in agreement with mom, I'm glad to be out of her house. She's gotten way too mean and way too rigid with her rules. No shower past 11pm, no more than 2/wk 2min long, no goin in or out of house past 8pm, no goin to kitchen or walkn down hall past 10pm cause it makes her nervous, bedroom must be picked up, mattress included, put back exactly as she always has it, to name a few rigid rules. I told her there's no way she'll ever get another renter, let alone one for $800/mo lol. She agrees. That said, I 'm just glad to be in this motel I paid for the week. I only hope tomorrow brings good news. Peace out.
