Do you think it's normal to take your GF with you to parties?

[BluLait]

So I have a dillema... My GF is weird.
About a month ago a friend of hers threw a party (I knew a few people there) and she didn't want to take me along, the reasons were that she didn't think I'd have a good time, and if I didn't have a good time she wouldn't have a good time. I told her that I would have a good time and I'd like nothing more than to be with her and that I think it's normal for 2 people who have been together for 5-6 months now to go together to these sort of stuff. Then she gave me a bunch of different reasons why I wouldn't have fun, that there are mostly her friend & shit, then she tried to change the subject altogether.

I insisted, I told her that's the way I saw a normal relationship and that if she continues to come up with reasons why I shouldn't come then I will find another girl who will suit my needs because this isn't how I see a relationship. She immediately said OK OK you can come yada yada yada.

We went, it was ok, I had fun.

Now, a friend of mine is having a birthday party. I asked if she wanted to come (obviously I would like this). She doesn't know any of these people and she said that she wouldn't feel OK because she wouldn't have who to talk to and that I would probably have more fun without her. I told her that it's not true that I would totally like her to come and that I'd stay with her all night and talk so she won't feel left out and shit. And if it's really not OK then we can leave after about 2 hours and do something together. Then she said she'll probably still have a cold by then (fucking excuses I am tired of them) and that she won't feel ok... Then I gave her many logical reasons why she should come and explained we would have fun. After seeing she can't fight me with logic, she simply said she doesn't want to come, because she doesn't know anyone there... Then she reminded me of that party a month ago where she didn't want to take me with her but she did because I insisted, she keeps saying I'm the one who decides everything, that I don't let her decide on her own. Which is weird, because I feel the exact same way about her. I think I give her too much attention and now she takes me for granted.

*snip*

But the truth is, that's the way I see a relationship: two people doing important stuff together. And if you can't have that, what are you left with?

So I'm going to call her and give her two options: Either be a good GF and come with me (as is normal) to this party, or she can fuck off and we can have one of those fuck-buddy relationships where we don't really do anything social together because it's obvious that is what she's aiming for.

Do you think I have a point here? I went to all of her fucking parties with all of her fucking friends in the past and whenever I ask her to come somewhere with me she just doesn't want to.

 

[Howzat?]

Female bullshit.

Not all females are as immature as this but you may have a point. When you are young you have it in your mind that your personal clique of friends are going to be the same for ever. Reality is as you grow older friends will move on and you are forced to meet new people or slowly become a hermit. Developing social skills comes with confidence and you will never get better at making new friends if you can't hold a conversation with a stranger.

Making idle threats to leave then questioning whether or not to follow through is one way to create a lot of drama in a relationship. I wouldn't make a decision about your relationship based upon this disagreement but it does sound like you two might not be compatible enough to last.

 

[Lysis]

Just might be her personality. I know I don't like to go to parties where I know no one and the crowd isn't my kind of crowd. That's just me though.

 

[iheartthisthread]

Being a couple, to me, means doing things together. I wouldn't want to be with someone that wouldn't do social things as "a couple" instead of alone.

That said though, spending every second of every day together isn't good either. People need some time alone.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

^yup. It's no fun if your girl never wants to do things with you...but you need space, and ONE PARTY is not any reason for an ultimatum, there will be other parties - that is immature and petty.

Dude - she sounds like she has an innate lack of self confidence. You could either tell her she's right you would have more fun without her and pick up the pieces when she has a nervous breakdown, or do the smart thing and be keen but not too insistent on her going, just reassuring and compassionate and UNDERSTANDING - tell her that you would feel awkward without her there, as you would miss her because she's your gal and you (love?) her, and that she'll have loads of fun, she just needs to let go and be open to meeting people.

For one - stop talking about a "normal relationship" - you are immediately creating distance - what is normal? Everyone is different, and deals with things differently - by saying that's normal for you to her, you are inferring her way is abnormal.

Also one last thing - your "female bullshit" attitude - that's seperatist dude, and I think you need to check yourself on that before you wreck yourself in your chances with females.

You need to understand her, and that she has self confidence issues, which you need to help her with by nurturing her and showing her you truly care, as she doesn't have much belief in herself from what you portray. Your ultimatum will shoot yourself in the foot. Don't be ridiculous - no one likes shooting themselves in the foot, unless of course they don't love their foot. Get what I am saying?

So I have a dillema... My GF is weird.
About a month ago a friend of hers threw a party (I knew a few people there) and she didn't want to take me along, the reasons were that she didn't think I'd have a good time, and if I didn't have a good time she wouldn't have a good time. I told her that I would have a good time and I'd like nothing more than to be with her and that I think it's normal for 2 people who have been together for 5-6 months now to go together to these sort of stuff. Then she gave me a bunch of different reasons why I wouldn't have fun, that there are mostly her friend & shit, then she tried to change the subject altogether.

I insisted, I told her that's the way I saw a normal relationship and that if she continues to come up with reasons why I shouldn't come then I will find another girl who will suit my needs because this isn't how I see a relationship. She immediately said OK OK you can come yada yada yada.

We went, it was ok, I had fun.

Now, a friend of mine is having a birthday party. I asked if she wanted to come (obviously I would like this). She doesn't know any of these people and she said that she wouldn't feel OK because she wouldn't have who to talk to and that I would probably have more fun without her. I told her that it's not true that I would totally like her to come and that I'd stay with her all night and talk so she won't feel left out and shit. And if it's really not OK then we can leave after about 2 hours and do something together. Then she said she'll probably still have a cold by then (fucking excuses I am tired of them) and that she won't feel ok... Then I gave her many logical reasons why she should come and explained we would have fun. After seeing she can't fight me with logic, she simply said she doesn't want to come, because she doesn't know anyone there... Then she reminded me of that party a month ago where she didn't want to take me with her but she did because I insisted, she keeps saying I'm the one who decides everything, that I don't let her decide on her own. Which is weird, because I feel the exact same way about her. I think I give her too much attention and now she takes me for granted.

Female bullshit.

But the truth is, that's the way I see a relationship: two people doing important stuff together. And if you can't have that, what are you left with?

So I'm going to call her and give her two options: Either be a good GF and come with me (as is normal) to this party, or she can fuck off and we can have one of those fuck-buddy relationships where we don't really do anything social together because it's obvious that is what she's aiming for.

Do you think I have a point here? I went to all of her fucking parties with all of her fucking friends in the past and whenever I ask her to come somewhere with me she just doesn't want to.

 

[BluLait]

It sounds like she has social anxiety to me. With SA sometimes it's easier to party/socialise on your own rather than the "pressure" of having your partner with you ( no matter how close or length of relationship) - low self-esteem is usually part of the problem....people can be weird and illogical lol.

I could easily be way off the track here and could it could be summit completely different. just reminds me of a similar situation I was in.

That sounds like an accurate description.

On the other hand, she gets along GREAT with all my other friends... I do believe she has a point seeing as though she would be the only odd person at the party, everyone else knows everyone else. I don't know these people that well myself...

But I'm just judging her based on myself, I'd love to meet strangers and shit...

Yeah, you're right.. I can be an asshole sometimes... I must mistake her low self-confidence issues with her having something against spending time with me. She might come out with excuses because she knows she will feel bad and doesn't want to tell me to my face that she doesn't want to go because I take shit way too personal and she knows this and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings...
Truth is, she loves spending time with me and we talk on the phone and she calls me a lot and she's really trying to make our relationship work.

Thanks for the advice people.

 

[Pagey]

I think you're giving this issue way more importance than it deserves. So she likes being at parties without her boyfriend, it's not a big deal. I know lots of people like that because then they feel obliged to stay with their SO the whole time, or feel like they're restricted or can't talk to other guys/chicks and stuff (even if it's non flirty).
Also I'm confused, at the end you said you always go to the parties with her friends, but a few paragraphs before you made it sound like you had to really insist to make that happen. So it doesn't sound like she doesn't want to make efforts around your friends of something, it sounds like she just doesn't want to be the 'girl in a relationship with the boyfriend right there' at parties.
If you're in a happy relationship aside from this I really don't see how it's a reason to break-up. If you're considering breaking up over this maybe you should think about whether the two of you don't have bigger/other problems?

My ex-LT boyfriend never came to a single party with me because he couldn't be bothered to make efforts around my friends. In fact, he never really saw my friends or tried to know them even though we were together over two years...but I really didn't care because we were happy together so what did it matter?

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

tell her this - then she wouldn't feel like the odd one out but part of the odd couple - she can take refuge in knowing that, and it makes it easier for BOTH of you as a COUPLE to have fun and meet new people to have fun with.

That sounds like an accurate description.

On the other hand, she gets along GREAT with all my other friends... I do believe she has a point seeing as though she would be the only odd person at the party, everyone else knows everyone else. I don't know these people that well myself...

But I'm just judging her based on myself, I'd love to meet strangers and shit...

Yeah, you're right.. I can be an asshole sometimes... I must mistake her low self-confidence issues with her having something against spending time with me. She might come out with excuses because she knows she will feel bad and doesn't want to tell me to my face that she doesn't want to go because I take shit way too personal and she knows this and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings...
Truth is, she loves spending time with me and we talk on the phone and she calls me a lot and she's really trying to make our relationship work.

Thanks for the advice people.

Great to hear.

I think you're giving this issue way more importance than it deserves. ...

he never really saw my friends or tried to know them even though we were together over two years...but I really didn't care because we were happy together so what did it matter?

^definitely agree with the first.

Why? Because these people meant so much to you...that's obviously gotta contribute to him being an ex.

 

[Pagey]

Why? Because these people meant so much to you...that's obviously gotta contribute to him being an ex.

No I mean I get the OP's point, I just think what matters is whether you're globally happy in the relationship or not - no one's ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend that didn't annoy them in some way or another, but if you're happy overall those little things should be overlooked, IMO. I mean otherwise it would never work out.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

I guess to me that is just more than a little thing. I had it with my ex - but at the time I didn't see that A) it was a bad relationship to be in, and B) they weren't actually my friends even though I rolled with them almost everyday.

If they were true friends, then I'd have a problem with her not wanting to as well(except from the sound of things she doesn't have a problem with his friends, just a whole party full of people she doesn't really know, which can of course be daunting at first, until you relax) - that's like not accepting I have tattoos, or not wanting to see my family but still wanting to be with me; they're part of us, our friends - our friends are our family who we choose, so to me they're very important if they're true friends.

It would just be indicative of one of 2 fundamental things - that either there is something wrong with my choice of friends, and she's seeing something I wasn't (as above); or there's something wrong with her, and I need to make up/ditch her after finding out what her problem is.

However this does not apply here.

 

[BluLait]

I know the guy whose birthday it is pretty well, apart from that, i've only met his friends about 5-10 times before. So they're not really good friends but they're not strangers either.

To be super honest, I only wanted her around me because these people bore me, they're obviously not my real friends and if they were, she would want to meet them. I just thought I'd have a better time if she came with me. But maybe she wouldn't... No idea how to interpret this. Since she does make efforts to get along well with all my real friends and all, i'll let this one slide. She said since they're not that important to me and I don't like them myself why should she come here (she lives about 50km away so she has to take like a bus to be at the party) on a day when she would normally be resting and doing homework and shit. She said if it really means that much to me that she will come but otherwise she told me to think about it because it's rather a pain in the ass, for both of us... Which is semi-true. If she came, I wouldn't be able to get piss-drunk and talk shit all night... which I'm gonna xD

Also I'm confused, at the end you said you always go to the parties with her friends, but a few paragraphs before you made it sound like you had to really insist to make that happen. So it doesn't sound like she doesn't want to make efforts around your friends of something, it sounds like she just doesn't want to be the 'girl in a relationship with the boyfriend right there' at parties.

Ok, lots of shit happens in 6 months.

At first she was really keen on me meeting all of her friends. After seeing that her friends didn't like me (my fault to be honest, I got really drunk once and was in a super-party mood when everyone else wasn't, her friends and mother too even saw me on ecstasy raving like a motherfucker at one of her parties - her friends all said I was gay after seeing me on E, even though I'm not really like that in reality lol). So she told me that some of her friends thought I wasn't right for her, that I was an asshole - I didn't really make much of an effort to be nice and shit - I just saw them for what they were - fake pieces of shit, so I treated them like fake pieces of shit.

Her friends made her choose - either me or them. Guess what? She chose me and now won't see those assholes. To be honest they really were fake pieces of shit. I'm older than her and I have a sixth sense about people. Plus, anybody that makes their friend choose between their SO and themselves just because they saw their SO on a few occasions when they were drugged out and have already made an opinion on them based on what they saw can't be called anything else than a fake, jealous piece of shit.

So she gave up some of her friends for me, and others... she will see them without me because I told her I don't like them, and they don't like me either.
Other friends of hers I get along great and we really connect...

So yeah, to answer your question Pagey: before all the arguments and stuff, she really was keen on me meeting all of her friends, but after seeing I'm really different from her friends (they're all metal-head kind of people -> and I'm more of a rave kind of person) and if I don't like someone I'll just not really make any effort to connect to them. Also after taking numerous drugs on different occasions, she's kinda scared I'll do the same.

So now, she'll only invite me to parties with friends that I like and like me. I guess it's better this way since I couldn't stand her fake piece of shit friends anyway.

She even told me that she saw those people for what they were, partly due to me.

 

[rangrz]

I think it's normal myself, to attend with your S/O at social functions.

I have this same issue sometimes. Ms.G's friends don't really like me, and more or less say to her "Hey want to come over, but don't bring Rangrz." and it kind of upsets me that a) They don't seem to care/respect her relationship with me and b) that she frequently goes even when I've been specifically not invited. I'd never go to a party with anyone who specifically said I could not bring my S/O...I'd be like "Fuck you too bro"

It happened this New Years actually. :/ Oh well. It's even worse in the fact that her friends are all guys, her ex-bf was there, and she's at some point hooked up with, or made out with most of them.

But yeah. IMO it's not cool to refuse to take your S/O to social events/go to otherwise casual gatherings when the host has made it very clear that ones S/O is not welcome.

 

[BluLait]

I think it's normal myself, to attend with your S/O at social functions.

I have this same issue sometimes. Ms.G's friends don't really like me, and more or less say to her "Hey want to come over, but don't bring Rangrz." and it kind of upsets me that a) They don't seem to care/respect her relationship with me and b) that she frequently goes even when I've been specifically not invited. I'd never go to a party with anyone who specifically said I could not bring my S/O...I'd be like "Fuck you too bro"

It happened this New Years actually. :/ Oh well. It's even worse in the fact that her friends are all guys, her ex-bf was there, and she's at some point hooked up with, or made out with most of them.

But yeah. IMO it's not cool to refuse to take your S/O to social events/go to otherwise casual gatherings when the host has made it very clear that ones S/O is not welcome.

She hooked up with him/them? (this means sex or?)
Made out with those guys?
While she was with you?

I'd dump her that very second if she was my GF... Srsly? Wtf? They call her and tell her to specifically not bring you so they can fuck her, probably. Hate to break it to u!

 

[Care]

Thats bullshit, id be pissed if my GF didn't want to do social stuff with me after 5 or 6 months of dating.

 

[BluLait]

It's not that she doesn't want to do social stuff... we do a lot of social stuff. Just read all of what I posted before you share your opinion.

 

[rangrz]

She hooked up with him/them? (this means sex or?)
Made out with those guys?
While she was with you?

I'd dump her that very second if she was my GF... Srsly? Wtf? They call her and tell her to specifically not bring you so they can fuck her, probably. Hate to break it to u!

No, before she was with me (well, mostly)

I'm not going to break up with her over something so trivial as a meaningless bit of physical contact with someone. Really, it's not a huge deal for me.

Rangrz's fiance here: Just fyi I was super trashed that night (I know that's not really an excuse, just an explanation of why it happened cause it wouldn't have if my judgement weren't impaired) and feel really bad about what happened. As for all the other times that I went to things he wasn't invited to, it was because we were having band practice and the guys wanted it to be just the band. For the future, I have made it apparent to them all that if he's not invited I won't be going.

lol, she grabbed the computer and wanted to say a few words in her defence.

All in all, she's really awesome to me and I'm not that petty to leave someone I love over such a infintesimally sized issue.

 

[DOB]

I think your GF is doin bukkake pron in there

 

[alasdairm]

two people doing important stuff together.

i don't think one party is "important stuff". ymmv.

if she doesn't want to go, why force her? it's as important that couples have independent lives, too.

alasdair

 

[Pagey]

i don't think one party is "important stuff". ymmv.

if she doesn't want to go, why force her? it's as important that couples have independent lives, too.

alasdair

Exactly

 

[Deadhead420]

So I'm going to call her and give her two options: Either be a good GF and come with me (as is normal) to this party, or she can fuck off and we can have one of those fuck-buddy relationships where we don't really do anything social together because it's obvious that is what she's aiming for.

That sounds like a huge over-reaction to me. Why are you trying to force her to go to this party with you so bad? She already said she doesn't want to go because she doesn't know anyone which is perfectly reasonable. Can you not just go and have fun without her? You need to be able to do things on your own or you'll appear to clingy and demanding. I mean inviting her to the party is totally fine but if she says she doesn't want to go just leave it at that IMO.