I'm torn between religion, my rational brain says no but I have a huge pull towards Christianity, I cross my self most mornings whilst driving to work as I'm so nervous and scared of making a mistake ,I suppose it's the last bastion of a scoundrel lol.i do know large parts of the bible and it does give me comfort to a large extent.my family are staunch protestants so I cross myself in private lol
First of all, thank you for sharing your heart.
That took bravery on your part. 
I'm not sure how to explain Jesus vs. religion. But the best way is to say you and I were irl friends and went out for coffee. We'd schedule time that was suited for both of us; should the friendship be of the rare kind, the few and far between, it becomes a higher priority. The more time we spend calling, facetiming, texting and actually meeting face-to-face, just saying, 'hey, how are you doing?' making eye contact and meaning it to the best of our ability without pretense. That's what knowing Jesus is all about for me. I'm an oddball even in a congregation I attended for 11 years up until 2020 and CV19 PTSD and at the time, before attending a service, I forgot there was a small cut on my arm that was bleeding a bit, and they called 911...as time has gone on, the elderly folk I connected with the most graduated to heaven and it's been very hard to return, as the teenagers are now adults with families and it's overwhelming. Currently looking for a new irl congergation that has an autism support group close by, which is difficult. But, I digress. The few close friends we make time for irl and online (for myself Greg, or Limpet Chicken as he was the known here.) He pulled me back from some of the darkest days of my adult life thus far. We were about as opposite as two autistic people could get. 
Just read the bluelight shrine page for him and you'll see what I mean. I was just expressing this very though/observation with someone just a couple days ago.
First of all, thank you for sharing your heart.
Every day is a struggle...it's not called straight and narrow and literally dying daily to what I want, going the extra mile etc. for no reason. However, this is where faith comes in.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for" (car brakes), "the conviction of things not seen. (we're not mechanics and can't see them.)" Hebrews 11:1 Think of your car brakes; we have faith that when we put our foot on that sucker, it (Lord willing) will work. Same with deep friendships, we put our hearts on the line; however, men and women will break our hearts...Jesus never has, and never will.
I trust the explanation has helped a bit. If you've anymore questions feel free to PM me. My box is always open and inquiries are welcome.
Thanks that's very kind of you ,I would have left a heart emoji but I can't seem to figure it out lol.everyday is a struggle your right ,I can't remember a time when I was truly happy.i was in debt for 7 years or so which made me misrable and I kept thinking on the journey to work if only I came into money it would solve everything and I'd be the happiest man alive.i thank god we did come into a modest sum of money and I was happy for a few weeks or so [probably the novelty]then the unhappiness crept back in and I'm more misrable than I ever was .I have been to church although not in over a year and everyone was so kind and welcoming .the major problem we have where I stay is meeting friends of a similar age which makes networking hard .my son has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum, it took over 2 years of constant battling with specialistsFirst of all, thank you for sharing your heart.
Every day is a struggle...it's not called straight and narrow and literally dying daily to what I want, going the extra mile etc. for no reason. However, this is where faith comes in.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for" (car brakes), "the conviction of things not seen. (we're not mechanics and can't see them.)" Hebrews 11:1 Think of your car brakes; we have faith that when we put our foot on that sucker, it (Lord willing) will work. Same with deep friendships, we put our hearts on the line; however, men and women will break our hearts...Jesus never has, and never will.
I trust the explanation has helped a bit. If you've anymore questions feel free to PM me. My box is always open and inquiries are welcome.
I know how you feel ,what little joy I have in my life is outweighed by joyless depression.most mornings I wish I just kept sleeping but then I think of my responsibilities to my family ,Monday morning is especially hard
we in the same boat. dont wanna wake but have commitments. used to love bedtime as it offered a type of reprieve but now i dread when night falls as i have to wake again and repeat. like the movie groundhog day. crazy, no? geesh.
I find comfort in listening to podcasts at night but when it gets to 4 am a fear creeps in .there is no logical reason to be afraid I just find life so daunting.we in the same boat. dont wanna wake but have commitments. used to love bedtime as it offered a type of reprieve but now i dread when night falls as i have to wake again and repeat. like the movie groundhog day. crazy, no? geesh.
i keep looking for things to change for the better but so far... nada. like one thing improves and two things replace that vacuum.
I can insert some in my replies but not that bar?
