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do you get worried when you feel its too easy!?

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
1,256
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Looking-Glass Land
so, I've only been sober for 3 months and have slipped twice in those 3 months but as time goes by it starts to seem too easy; I ask myself why I could not do this before and why did I do what I did to myself!

I shot dope for many, many years. but to think of a needle going into my arm makes me sick at this point. and yes, I have thought this before when I went 9 months sober a few years back, but I am 32 (will be 33 next month) and truly feel I have had enough, moved on, and ready for the next part of life.

what is making this easier is I have started a new life - I recently moved into a new placed, new city. I started dating this girl who is also a past addict and in recovery so we help each other out, and we stay sober for one another (yes, I know this can be bad as well; dont say it, I know it), and lastly, I changed jobs - went from office work which was driving me mentally insane to general labor which makes me feel more alive and puts a smile on my face.

so, there are times like RIGHT NOW I think to myself, "why the fuck did you do that for so long.. how did you not see you were ruining yourself?". its funny I say that but here I am barely sober; barely sober meaning 3 months KINDA clean and also on suboxone to kill all cravings!

I am just happy all things changed - people, places and things! I have moved myself away from the bad and only doing the good! man, between moving apartments and changing jobs, it truly has put a smile on my face and has made me feel more alive than I have ever felt over the last 12yrs.

anyone else?
 
This is awesome to hear:)!!! Great for you:)!!! I've considered suboxone a lot because it seems like no amount of oxycodone is ever enough for me. I take it for my pain but then also have for free access to about 100 10's per month (via my sister who's also prescribed methadone). I tried so, so hard this month to stick with just the 20's I get per day but failed multiple times. Especially when I get shakey, racey, my heart pounds, the vomiting.....snort a pill or 2 and I'm great. It's a pathetic way to live. Something I said I'd NEVER do until I actually needed them after I was already addicted to them. Funny how life works.

As for the girlfriend issue? It could go either way. I've seen many couple help each other out but then I've seen the opposite (for starters in my own home as my pills grow little legs and disappear each month no matter where I hide them). My thoughts on the issue? If I were to say I'm not taking my meds anymore and I found them on him? I'd make it easy. I'd make him leave. Just my thoughts.

Anyway, it seems like all your changes are superb ones and I commend you to highest extent!!!

Also, I did write you back on my post just know:)
 
I don't think I've ever felt it was "too easy", but I haven't been clean for more than 2 months since I started so maybe I'm in the wrong mindset.... cause I mean, a lot of it really is based on the attitude you have toward yourself and the addiction.
 
Exactly my problem with subutex is that it does make it too easy. You aren't truly clean or sober when you're taking it, you haven't gone through withdrawals, you're biologically and (in my case at least) mentally the same as you were the first day you started taking the subutex. I think true progress in recovery cannot come when you are still self-medicating, be it with street opiates or prescribed subutex. Just my 2 cents.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
Exactly my problem with subutex is that it does make it too easy. You aren't truly clean or sober when you're taking it, you haven't gone through withdrawals, you're biologically and (in my case at least) mentally the same as you were the first day you started taking the subutex. I think true progress in recovery cannot come when you are still self-medicating, be it with street opiates or prescribed subutex. Just my 2 cents.
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but why not just take the bupe and stay happy and make it easy? I pay $100/mo rather than $100day. and that hundred is the Dr. apt cuz my script for 56 pills is only $3. if iits this easy and I am thinking it is, ill just stick w/ this forever, ha. I've done it many times before but never got a good feeling or never actually stopped, always went back so quick. this is my 393939th time trying and for some reason its just blew by fast and I feel no urge at all.
 
BostonBrownTown said:
but why not just take the bupe and stay happy and make it easy? I pay $100/mo rather than $100day. and that hundred is the Dr. apt cuz my script for 56 pills is only $3. if iits this easy and I am thinking it is, ill just stick w/ this forever, ha. I've done it many times before but never got a good feeling or never actually stopped, always went back so quick. this is my 393939th time trying and for some reason its just blew by fast and I feel no urge at all.
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Well that's fantastic, man. I'm not criticising you for taking subutex. I'm just explaining why it has never worked for me personally - it always felt too easy to stop taking it for a couple of days and get a bag instead because "its so easy to quit with subutex and its not like I've been off opiates really anyway" and similar silly rationalizations.
 
Hey, Boston. I tried to answer a question you asked me about Gabapentin on your thread concerning it but couldn't. Anyway, sorry this is off the topic of this thread but I wanted to answer it. I take 4,200 mgs per day and it's supposed to be all spread out but I just can't do it that way. I take the majority (I know it's not a good idea) at night. Many say it gives them an "uppity" effect since it effects the GABA receptors in the brain but for me it just produces a downer/nod effect. Some may like that but I don't. I've also heard many say that it's addictive. I've been on it for a little over a year and when I've just not been able to get to the pharmacy in time to pick up a refill I don't feel anything whatsoever. Everyone's body is different though.

For me personally there's only 2 things that I take that make me violently ill when I run out and that's oxycodone and Xanax. For me personally there's NO worse feeling in the world yet somehow I always seem to let it happen. I've been reading through your sub threads and feel that it may be something I should discuss with my doctor yet I'm not sure he'd be willing to prescribe it and then I'd fear the "label". As in "don't give her any opiates" if he were to not like the idea.

Anyway, I looked for my thread in which you asked the question but it's not there. I only use my phone and quite a few times when I've went to edit a comment, I've deleted the entire thread somehow. It sounds like you're on the right track though (as I've stated above) and I wish you all the best of luck. It's not easy, that's for damn sure!!
 
I take 1600-2800 of GABA/day and its all in the morning; I feel it wakes me up along w my Suboxone. I also MUST have WHITE MONSTER energy drink; its just part of being an addict, I guess, ha. kinda funny how it all happens but all is going extremely well and I could not be more happy w/ how coming along; just hoping things STAY THIS WAY!
 
BostonBrownTown said:
so, I've only been sober for 3 months and have slipped twice in those 3 months but as time goes by it starts to seem too easy; I ask myself why I could not do this before and why did I do what I did to myself!

I shot dope for many, many years. but to think of a needle going into my arm makes me sick at this point. and yes, I have thought this before when I went 9 months sober a few years back, but I am 32 (will be 33 next month) and truly feel I have had enough, moved on, and ready for the next part of life.

what is making this easier is I have started a new life - I recently moved into a new placed, new city. I started dating this girl who is also a past addict and in recovery so we help each other out, and we stay sober for one another (yes, I know this can be bad as well; dont say it, I know it), and lastly, I changed jobs - went from office work which was driving me mentally insane to general labor which makes me feel more alive and puts a smile on my face.

so, there are times like RIGHT NOW I think to myself, "why the fuck did you do that for so long.. how did you not see you were ruining yourself?". its funny I say that but here I am barely sober; barely sober meaning 3 months KINDA clean and also on suboxone to kill all cravings!

I am just happy all things changed - people, places and things! I have moved myself away from the bad and only doing the good! man, between moving apartments and changing jobs, it truly has put a smile on my face and has made me feel more alive than I have ever felt over the last 12yrs.

anyone else?
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I'm in the same boat man, the thought makes of the pin especially makes me feel sick now. Sounds like you are in a good place, more power to you dude! :)
 
I'm nervous always. I've been clean for over a year, but still have cravings. I know how fucked my life will be or that I'll end up dead if I don't stay clean.

I am happy you are happy w your life. Despite cravings, I am loving my life, friends in a good way now. Best of everything to you.
 
It is wonderful to hear that you are doing well BBT. I remember when you were fighting to get off methadone and still using on top of it. It is refreshing to hear you say that you are not using on top of the suboxone.

To answer the question, I know exactly what you mean. It is complacency. I tend to get complacent when I don't experience any cravings for awhile, or if I am not having any problems that are significant in my day. It is those times that I worry about relapsing because that is generally the situation that causes me to relapse. Basically, your life is going to get better and better, and there are going to be times of extreme happiness, and extreme sadness....those are easy to deal with, especially when you are sober.

@Rio Fantastic. Sobriety is a state of mind. I would say that BBT is sober though he is on suboxone because he is not taking part in the compulsive, addictive behaviors that he used to. He is doing the work to recover, IE: changing people, places, and things and taking his meds responsibly. Abstinent is a completely separate thing. Abstinence is just not taking drugs. Have you ever heard of a dry drunk? It is someone that is abstinent that has not achieved the state of mind that is sobriety.
 
BostonBrownTown said:
I take 1600-2800 of GABA/day and its all in the morning; I feel it wakes me up along w my Suboxone. I also MUST have WHITE MONSTER energy drink; its just part of being an addict, I guess, ha. kinda funny how it all happens but all is going extremely well and I could not be more happy w/ how coming along; just hoping things STAY THIS WAY!
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Haha:)! Well I never mixed it with WHITE MONSTER so maybe that's my problem:). I've been reading through your some of your threads over the past few days and I just want to let you know that you're an inspiration for those of us who struggle. I don't care whether it's heroin, cocaine, pills....etc etc.....it's all a struggle to escape from. By far the worst struggle I've ever encountered yet when I hear stories such as yours? It give me hope. I've actually begun a taper. I can't say it's going all that well (some good days, some "f it", bad days) but I am trying for the 1st time in 2 years. My challenge is how easily accessible it is to me (being prescribed them and having a sister who just gives them to me freely) yet "easily accessible" until I run out of them nearly every month and then feel like I'm "dying" for a few days yet the fact is that if I continue on the path I am, I WILL die either way.......Anyway, much love and keep up the great work<3!!!!!

P.S.-for your success you deserve that energy drink:). By all means perhaps I should take a few GABA and go grab one! Kidding:)....knowing my luck I'd probably have a heart attack due to the high caffeine and drop over dead:). Go figure. I can take 100 mgs of oxy's at one time no problem but I have a severe caffeine intolerance and even went to the E.R once due to "overdosing" on caffeine tablets. I took a mere 3 but mixed them with a bunch of highly caffeinated soda. At the hospital they asked me if I was trying to kill myself. A great big HAHA goes out to that one:)
 
things are smoooooooooth! I did an addy the other day to help me get through work. only 7MG of a 30MG pill and it kept me awake all day/night, I couldnt sleep at all. hate those fucking things.

but yea, all else is still good. hope all goes well for your Bernc1. its not easy and I was stuck for many, many years but I finally feel I had enough and busy w/ other things in life, such as the GF, moving, work and other shit.

I also dropped back down to 12MG bupe instead of 16MG; trying to get to 8MG within a month.
 
BostonBrownTown said:
things are smoooooooooth! I did an addy the other day to help me get through work. only 7MG of a 30MG pill and it kept me awake all day/night, I couldnt sleep at all. hate those fucking things.

but yea, all else is still good. hope all goes well for your Bernc1. its not easy and I was stuck for many, many years but I finally feel I had enough and busy w/ other things in life, such as the GF, moving, work and other shit.

I also dropped back down to 12MG bupe instead of 16MG; trying to get to 8MG within a month.
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I had a small "stint" with the "addy's" (prescribed)....the 1st I ever took? I felt AWESOME!! After a few times though I felt like it was a roller coaster ride. Some "ups", some "downs" but never consistent which led me to hate them as well.

How do the subs work for you though personally? I have a friend that was prescribed dilaudid (and not a "swim" friend....haha:)...she's REALLY NOT ME:)) yet like I she would always run out and even seek out people on Facebook (drama book most of the time) who had pain issues and it was SOOOO obvious WHY she NEEDED to talk to someone ASAP!!....I know the feeling but have somehow managed to keep my "secret" hidden from all of my friends (which definitely makes it harder as I'm sure they must all think I'm a bit bipolar by now:)). Anyway, she recently confided in me that she switched to suboxone and has never felt better. She said her pain is minimal (she broke her back while being "silly" at a playground with her kids and fell from the top of a sliding board and landed right smack on her back.....so she definitely has pain. She told me though that since her switch she feels so much less pain, her cravings are gone and that she also has a lot of energy and just overall feels amazing (a "must" when a woman has 5 year old triplets:)). I've heard mixed feelings on that from others and am just seeking your thoughts as I'm REALLY looking to change my life around....pain or no pain. Just looking for "gain" and a better overall quality of life.

I SURE am NOT bragging about this but I did manage to taper my dose from as I've said 100-150 mgs per day down to 40 mgs tops per day in just a week. I want to feel hopeful since I've never before been able to do this yet fear failing again. I've never gotten down this low but the cravings are still there like CRAZY!! If I have a bad day, I want to use more. A good day? I want to intensify it. A less painful day? Why not make it pain free? I'm being a bit dramatic but that "wanting" feeling is always going to be there and I guess I need to learn to accept that fact yet it's so very hard.

Perhaps you've stated already how they make you feel. More energy? Less? No cravings? Some? Again, my useage started out "for fun". A "once in a while thing". I somehow managed to keep it that way to the point that at any given time I would have 50 or so just "sitting around" because I swore that I would never be an addict. Well, I WAS an addict before I actually needed the meds yet feared telling my doctors. Sorry for the long posts but again you're a very inspirational guy and any input or advise you can give me would be gladly appreciated........besides drinking highly caffeinated drinks:):):)
 
And I KNOW you didn't suggest that I do so:)....it just made me laugh because it brought back memories of my supposed "overdose" on caffeine and the E.R. docs almost trying to drag it out of me that I was trying to commit suicide. Yes. I took 3 Vivarin, drank 2 Red Bull's and had a Diet Mountain Dew. If I might add, the Red Bull and Mountain Dew were quite tasty but definitely were not intended to be my "drinks of death" that added to my so called "allergic reaction" to Vivarin:)
 
BostonBrownTown said:
ha, I am not even sure what you are talking about. are you all hyped up on caffeine right now?
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Not at all....haha:). And definitely not at this time of night as for where I live:). My serious post was above my "silly one". Sorry:). As I said, I have a friend who was on dilaudid for years and always feaning until she went on suboxone. She now claims that her pain is next to none, that she has tons of energy and that she feels better then she ever has. I'm just looking for other people's opinions. Again, I'm sorry I confused you or made you think I was all amped up cause I'm definitely less then since I've recently begun a rapid taper. I'm just so tired of the "trying this and trying that", running out early and being sick. I've considered suboxone more and more lately yet don't know how to go about telling my doctor that I've been taking more then what he's been prescribing me (MUCH more). I don't foresee me ever being off of the oxy's and I keep contemplating whether or not the subs would be a good alternative for me but I need something for pain as well as something to stop me from craving more and more. Once my life began to revolve around when I could take (or in my case snort) my next pill or whether or not I had enough to be able to go out with friends....I realized my problem was much worse then I initially led myself to believe it to be.

Sorry again for the goofy confusion. Whether I'm "sick" or not I tend to joke around a lot since if I don't laugh, I'll cry and I'd much prefer to laugh. Yet my laughing days are dwindling and all due to a damn f**king pill:(
 
its one thing if you actually didnt use but since you are continuing to use you might as well give suboxone a try; it has helped many, many people out and completely changed their lives for the better.

many say its a good pain killer and also kill the urge to use other pain killers.

give it a shot; you have nothing to lose.
 
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