Do you fuck up on purpose because you're afraid to succeed?

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

I got home from class today and had a bong hit by myself and I had a really depressing thought -- I think I might be one of those people who has what it takes to be somebody, to be successful. But every time I get too close to really taking off with something serious career wise, I start developing shamelessly bad habits, almost in an attempt to see if I can drive on the edge of a cliff with no hands. There's something both exhilirating and self-destructive in it I feel. The habit tends to be my drug of choice of the year -- marijuana is a perennial favorite, because it keeps me from thinking too much. I don't want to tire my brain out going over complex logical, ethical, philosophical problems that just kind of show up in my mind when I walk around. But not all such habits involve drugs. I've done some other somewhat dangerous things I don't think most people, at least my age, would do. Then I change my mind, and start from scratch. Often in a different place. Once even with a different name. But the cycle repeats.

I want to succeed. Right now I'm applying for medical school, and I'm serious about it. So why would I be afraid to do something 'big'? Why did I choose to be a lush instead of learning Japanese and becoming a professor like I'd planned? What moved me to spend 3 months jobless in Taiwan and jonesing for e (I never used it more than once a month from the start, but lordy did I fiend.) I'd thought about being a teacher while in Taiwan, but nah fuck it. I decided one night rolling that those little prankster punkass kids are not my cup o' joe. So I came back to try for medical school. Everything relating to that is coming together fine but in the meantime I'm a raging pothead, with the occasional adderall bender for school. Unbeknownst to my place of work and my professors. I hope.

Does anyone relate to this? If so, what's your take on what makes a person think and behave like this, and what one has to do to break the cycle? But please be kind -- I'm feeling awfully blue today .

I've been told this trait runs in my family, which is full of very bright and talented people who kept their heads above water and raised stable families, but were nonetheless a bit too quirky and/or moody to ever make it out of the lower middle class. My great grandpa was a lush who abandoned his 6 kids and died young. My grandpa hated him bitterly to his grave, never touched alcohol or drugs, but was a self-defeatist if there ever was one. This made it hard to respect him, even though he'd taught himself to read and ended up enjoying roomsful of classic books, and always worked very hard. My dad is also incredibly hard on himself and has trouble letting go when he fucks up at anything. He's a much happier guy than grandpa but he also went through a set of crash-n-burns when he was younger he won't say much about. He doesn't drink or dose either [anymore?]. My brother once told me out of the blue he loves being stoned a lot because it keeps him from being a type A person. I felt uncannily similar.

 

[*cloud9baby*]

Yeah, I'm quite similar to you, I constantly fuck myself over. It's really strange cos you can never figure out why you'd want to do that to yourself. I think subconsciously we find it easier to fuck ourselves over than to be sucessful.
It's a hard cycle to break, especially it is a trait that runs in the family, I believe we sometimes inherit personality traits from our relatives. For example, perfectionism runs in our family, aparently even my great grandparents were perfectionists. I'm not sure how to go about tackling this, maybe start by recognising times that you are being self destructive and then try control yourself not to?

 

[itsjustme]

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a Child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within.
It is not just in some, it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
-Nelson Mandela​

A good friend who's seen me sabotage myself over and over gave me this quote, its from some movie not sure which one.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've sabatoged myself so many times, it always comes right when you're on the verge of changing for the better or the verge of success, sabotaging relationships that seem to be heading in a great direction. Subconsciously there must be something we fear about success or happiness. Maybe it's guilt. Maybe it's becoming so comfortable with dissatisfaction/misery/sadness/whatever that we're scared to see what life would be like outside the less than ideal state that has become some sort of a comfort zone. I really don't know but I wish I could sto[ doing it.
Its masochism at its worst

 

[Pomplemous]

I am the kind of person when things are going well will unconsciously sabotage them for some unknown reason.

i havent worked out the reason yet so will keep on making themistakes.

 

[Son of Samurai]

I sometimes do this, and I think it is because that with success comes the responsibility to do it again and again. I think this stems from the partental focus on the child to succeed and the fear of looking stupid if you've done it once but can't do it again. Also if you can show that you can do it by giving off the attitude that you know what you are doing and people see this and then see you (because people aren't as blind as we might sometimes hope) make an obvioulsy stupid mistake, they will realize that there may be a deeper undercurrent of something other than stupidity to you and they will hopefully understand that you are not as dumb as you try to make out, but rather there is an emotional issue behind your different nature.


That's how I feel sometimes anyways.

 

[Pomplemous]

i think mine might be to do with my short attention span - I have a huge patience but I get very bored quickly in things, relationships, jobs, things to do etc - and I like using my brain so maybe I am not putting myself in a position enough to keep my brain active and so take it out on my life. I llove running on a challenge and if that's survival then so be it.

not healthy - I should get a hobby insteasd.

 

[Son of Samurai]

^^That is very true of me too, that is why my songs are only ever half finished. But I am taking Dexies now which help a lot with my attention span and ability to go the distance.

 

[TheTripDoctor]

Suceeding

I have always been incredibly intelligent (yes yes conceeded if you must say it), ive always gotten high scores on tests usually >96% percentile etc. I can exceed at something i want to do very easily, it comes so easy for me its not even a challenge sometimes, even the most complex things. Its the other things that i cant do, maybe WONT do, unconsciously.

My doctors always told me i had ADD when i was a child and gave me adderall in HUGH amounts, the pills piled up in my room so i found an.....outlet for them hehe I would be able to do something i was interested in with ease, but then trying to accomplish some kind of mundane task like algebra homework was nearly impossible, i could do the work SO easily but for some reason i just COULDNT do it, same with a lot of things, and this was far before i ever used pot.

Pot helped a lot of things, its not a good thing to think too much, in some cases its much more helpfull as a sedative to not think so much, rather than make yourself tired or intoxicated etc with other drugs. For me it helped a lot, i always had the feeling i was thinking too fast a lot, it was uncomfortable to say the least, SOMETIMES it was usefull with great results, but the rest of the time it was like being shot through a tunnel at 900mph.

My real problem was relationships, i never intentionally sabotaged school or work, i didnt have to i couldnt do it anyway heh, what I DID do, is manage to get myself close to someone i had feelings for over the course of months and months, then when i was in a position to take it even further i didnt, not intentionally, i just changed all of a sudden, almost like the ADD schoolwork above, i could no longer make myself keep it up, i would ignore phone calls, talk very little, neglect to see the person very often, and eventually it all went back to being just friends, sometimes even less. still sad about her

I did that well over 10 times from when i was like 13 to the age of 20, and a few of them i seriously regret on a daily basis, it really gets to me sometimes to the point that i contacted the one in particular recently and poured my heart out about how sorry i was and how i screwed everything up. It was seriously eating away at me that i let her go like that, without cause or reason. My few true regrets in life include losing her. I think my life would be far different right now if i hadnt screwed up that one in particular so bad, and i am sure it would be a change for the better if i hadnt.

Ive also been told recently by friends that i might have high functioning autism, which fits me perfectly even moreso than ADD, im very introverted and have some trouble interacting with peers, i get a lot of the other "symptoms" or indicators of HFA as well. Maybe its just out of my control, maybe its a trigger of some kind, id really like to know though.

Although im very VERY stable mentally, i think i really was impacted in a very big way by losing her. Maybe thats just integration into who i am, maybe i have yet to get over it.

 

[SmC]

I am the kind of person when things are going well will unconsciously sabotage them for some unknown reason.

i havent worked out the reason yet so will keep on making themistakes.

I'm the same as that, really is annoying though ain't it? It might just be down to confidence or believing in yourself, or something, I don't know!

 

[kittyinthedark]

We do it because we're afraid of fucking up. If you never try, you can never screw something up, because you never have the chance. But only great risks yield great rewards. It's a shame that many of us are simply too frightened to be great... Doing everything the easy way makes life a lot simpler and lazier, but it'd be a shame to wake up one morning at age 60 and realize you've done nothing in your life that you wanted to...

 

[banksy]

yep, I have always been my own worse enemy. It would be good to stop it sometime, however something tells me, my epitath will read, here lies the boy who took away all his chances.

 

[Putingrad]

Yeah, I think this is a particularly beastly aspect of the human condition that many people have to deal with, myself included. The old adage that there is nothing more frightening than the fact that our lives are completely in our hands and that anything is possible is very true.

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

TheTripDoctor, funny you should mention it -- I have high functioning autism too, and am intensely novelty seeking. I have far less tolerance for the 'same old same old' day in day out than most people I think, and I've always attributed my nomadic habits to that. Pompelmous, my attention span is terribly short, unless I'm on adderall or caffeined up (in which case you can't rip me away from a project!)

I have a feeling autistic tendancies and attention problems are in my genes.

Son of Samurai, what you said about responsibility rings true. It's like choosing to be the class clown -- once you start you can never. ever. stop. I guess I'm afraid if I join the world of 'professionals', there will be pressure on me to constantly perform until the day I retire. Which is ironic seeing as how I always saw being a highly educated professional as a source of freedom, as a way to be more in the driver's seat.

 

[Pomplemous]

We do it because we're afraid of fucking up. If you never try, you can never screw something up, because you never have the chance. But only great risks yield great rewards. It's a shame that many of us are simply too frightened to be great... Doing everything the easy way makes life a lot simpler and lazier, but it'd be a shame to wake up one morning at age 60 and realize you've done nothing in your life that you wanted to...

see Id agree with that in some scnarios and some people, except in that I dont relate to that for me,

I go out of my way to try things tha hard way because I like a challenge - if there's a way other than the easy way I'll unintentioanlly find it, but will enjoy the thrill of getting through it. I find - I take on writing letter, artwork, doodles, projects at work etc and I always excell in ability and patience and imagination, whatever else - but I will get nearly through something and think I dont want to finish this, I am enjoying it too much - so I leave a bit of whatever it is to do - and then never do it. never go back to it.

even in relationships, I leave out wads of things about myself thinking that its like a slow release capsule - over time with thei person, I will let them know htings and we'll grow as we get to know eachother better - but I never tell them stuff and they say I am a closed book and I get annoyed and then because I havent opened up because I been saving a little bit back - then the relationship doesnt grow and then I get bored and we invariably fall apart. especially the last relationship - that relationship not working was entirely my fault for the reasons above. but I didnt get bored, I got aged 29 - mid life crisis!!! turning 30 is the new 40 you know hahah - .

 

[Mariposa]

I am another who is my own worst enemy.

I've been able to function, mostly, but I wonder if I just stuck my utter stubborness and inability to accept anything less than excellence back into school, study, etc - instead of work.

It's hard for me to figure out my goals when I'm busy supporting myself but one thing you won't see me doing is crying over it - I outearn most of my friends in grad school, and what little time I have to myself is my own.

 

[TheTripDoctor]

Yea

I go from one interest to another quickly, ill get excited about something and investigate and get involved for a while until it just loses its impact and i find another, its a long long chain of unfinished interests.

I do the same thing with buying things, i buy something im interested in and its great, then it wears off and i end up buying things repeatedly. I own 191 dvds because of this I also own things i coulda lived without, large things.

 

[Pomplemous]

mind you!! ......... at least you have a large range of unfinished interests that you CAN always go back to and pick up agian oif you wanted to! Better than those who have none, which they follow avidly! haha

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

TripDoctor and Pompelmous, I definitely relate. I'm not a big consumer, but I definitely go through phases. Some of them are so odd or involve so much obsession that I keep them completely to myself for the sake of not being the butt of jokes. Each phase lasts anywhere from 2 weeks to a few months, where I'll think about my object of obsession as randomly and often as sex, if not more. I'll want to read and learn all I can about it, and I'll filter the whole rest of my world through the thing I'm obsessed with. I'll connect it in my mind to things it has nothing to do with at all. And then, one day, I'll just decide I don't enjoy it anymore.

Some of my past phases were fairly normal: dinosaurs, computers, chemistry, trains, world geography, pot growing, collecting old American coins, golf.
Others were not necessarily odd, but not exactly common or fitting for a person of my background: Jerry Springer, Phil Collins, Ren and Stimpy, tarot cards, traditional Japanese culture, Freemasonry, the science of city planning, learning and preparing large and frequent amounts of ethnic foods to which I have no ethnic connection.
But some were decidedly strange: poplar trees, old clocks with the word "Regulator" on them, New York license plates, Adolf Hitler's life, chewing gum varieties, and strangest of all, the word "the".

I'm pretty sure I don't need a second opinion about my Asperger's

 

[TheTripDoctor]

Jesus F. christ the painter, thats EXACTLY what i do.

"learning and preparing large and frequent amounts of ethnic foods to which I have no ethnic connection." HAHAHAHAA

thats funny, sorry

But im convinced now i have HFA, im sure of it. I dont know alot of the other symptoms but i know i have it, its just not a coincidence anymore.

The chem obsession never quit though ahah

 

[Pomplemous]

TripDoctor and Pompelmous, I definitely relate. I'm not a big consumer, but I definitely go through phases. Some of them are so odd or involve so much obsession that I keep them completely to myself for the sake of not being the butt of jokes. Each phase lasts anywhere from 2 weeks to a few months, where I'll think about my object of obsession as randomly and often as sex, if not more. I'll want to read and learn all I can about it, and I'll filter the whole rest of my world through the thing I'm obsessed with. I'll connect it in my mind to things it has nothing to do with at all. And then, one day, I'll just decide I don't enjoy it anymore.

ooh, haha i recognise that in me a littl e- especially the bit about keeping it to myself to not be the butt of jokes cos my passions are wide and random.

its a crime to gather knoweldge though and do nothing with it - not share it,.