Do you feel like a fuck/up loser for using drugs?

Yeah I definitely consider myself a loser back in the day. I still can't fathom how I thought high school was a joke. If I hadn't gotten off my ass I would have had little to no chance at getting accepted to the school I'm going to even as a transfer student because my high school grades were so dismal. I was a major idiot. I'm doing the best I can now so I don't feel that way despite me having to take drugs. But I take them as prescribed so that I can feel about as normal as someone without a mental illness, not to feel euphoric.
 
Stringer, I read your post from earlier and I think it's good you flushed the coke. You did a lot in one week, no wonder you were having panic attacks! For me that was one drug I could not use "moderately" for very long. Plus having bipolar depression made the comedowns seem more harsh. I've seen people really mess up their lives on cocaine and I hope you don't go back to it.
 
Great post and exactly how I feel about the lack of empathy and 'normal' people looking down on others to feel superior, it makes me sick and although I feel like a dirty lil' junkie I'm actually glad that now I can look at the world and the population for what they are, I care about people and I'll never sink to how I used to think of drug users, now that I've been one for so long, my only regret is the hurt I put my family through, I may be a loser but I'm a bloody nice one :)
 
I can't recall a time I didn't feel like a fuck up loser, it's likely a part of why I started using drugs, I felt my life, my body, 'me', had no value or was worth saving or protecting, I felt i deserved the pain, and yes, later on I felt like a fuck up loser junkie, a disgusting intravenous drug user, the worst kind of low. I didn't think this of any other addicts I knew, my mind made excuses for them and anyone except me. I never thought of my body as a temple, and I still don't.

But I have gotten a lot better in the last couple years, I still use drugs constantly, and I still frequently feel like a junkie loser. But over time I realized that the normality I had chased for so long was not worth having. It may not be good to be a habitual drug user, but what I see in so called normal people, or rather people trying to look normal, disgusts me. I see greed, materialism, selfishness, entitlement, apathy, lacking in compassion or empathy. In a weird way I'm not sure I can respect someone who doesn't dislike themselves at least a little, at least they less frequently try to convince people how superior they are. And now that I stopped chasing normality I am much happier. And I feel like even if I'm far from perfect, I at least try. I give money to charity and people in need even when I have so little myself, I try to show compassion even to people who hate me, I try to be help people. So even if I'm a loser, a fuckup, even a bad person, at least I can feel I cared enough to try. Far more than the 'normal' people I once so wanted to be.
Great post and exactly how I feel about the lack of empathy and 'normal' people looking down on others to feel superior, it makes me sick and although I feel like a dirty lil' junkie I'm actually glad that now I can look at the world and the population for what they are, I care about people and I'll never sink to how I used to think of drug users, now that I've been one for so long, my only regret is the hurt I put my family through, I may be a loser but I'm a bloody nice one
 
I guess since the first drugs I ever fucked with were hallucinogens and marijuana I never fely guilty or wondered if I should. Drugs were a way for me to alter my very consciousness and why would I ever need to feel guilty for having a healthier understanding of myself and the world around me? When I started getting into various forms of uppers I felt no guilt, either. I felt happy and I had a good time, and that was my decision to make for myself. After I got to the point where I could no longer choose when I wanted to do drugs, but felt that I needed them... I felt a twinge of guilt for getting into a spot I had never wished myself or anyone to be in. Once I saw how skinny I was, the fact that when I looked into my eyes I saw nothing, when I saw how my behaviors had affected my happiness and my health... The guilt was present. I guess for me I knew what I was doing was not what I wanted for myself. I didn't feel bad because of what society wanted me to be, but because I knew that I was straying down a path I had thought I was too strong to fall upon. I had a healthy way of using what I used and really growing and learning from it. I got a lot of artwork made and felt it wasn't so bad. I guess when we aren't being true to ourself that guilt can really get to you and make you feel worthless. But you are NOT worthless. You are strong and special and you always have the means to change everything in your life if only you fight like an immortal warrior for it. Blessings to you all. ?
 
Or smoking? Or drinking alcohol?

The damage these things do is bad enough in themselves but I get such horrible feelings of guilt when doing stuff that's bad for me and which I know would make people around me think that I'm an absolute loser.

A few months ago I was running every day, no smoking, no drinking, no drug. I felt better body wise and mentally but more than that I felt 'virtuous'. But I always come back to doing things that are bad for me. Like now I just smoked a couple of cigarettes (I gave up years ago but have been sliding back into it) and I feel like a POS. Same if I take drugs or eat terribly. And my sleeping schedule is crazy since I started working from home. I stay up all night then sleep in the day. It feels so unwholesome. But when I was working in a 9 to 6 office job that was torture.

I just wanted to know if it's normal to feel like this. I hate it (but not it seems, enough to stop indulging in self destructive behaviour). But then so many people who live completely healthy, virtuous lives get ill anyway or suffer terrible injuries.

I wish I could either not do any of the things I feel guilty about or not feel guilty about them.
I feel bad when I try not to use them and don't succeed. Most of the drugs were just fun for me, they didn't cause me too many problems afterall. I felt responsible and tried not to fuck me up too much. So I didn't feel guilty, except in rare cases.

The first time I tried heroin I did understand why people feel bad about using it. I mean, you grow up with this idea of the hell drug, the "once is enough" thing...how could you not feel a looser trying it? I felt so horrible (but still I went on like a super idiot).
Next times this sensation was just slightly less intense.

When I replaced H with other opiates, trying to save myself from the complete fucking up, the guilt feeling kept visiting me each and every time I used. This was no longer due to social thoughts, it happened because I felt compelled to do something I would have wanted to avoid. Every time that I gave myself an excuse or just thought "I can't stand this craving, the hell with it" and was going to use I felt like crap. It's a defeat, that's it.

Now I'm struggling again against the cravings because of a horrible period, after some months of non use. I want heroin so bad. The ongoing situation is sufficient for me to feel really fucked up (I'm not able to face sorrow like other people because I let myself think that it's not mandatory to suffer, there is always the "other solution", the quick and perfect one). People near me who know about my past problem are worried, I imagine that they can see some signals from me of which I'm not even aware, even if I'm not saying a word about drugs.

Have you decided something meanwhile? Could you do your choice (and mantain it)?
 
I feel like a normal person but I do have my moments. I feel guilty for using as an experiment, an escape, a pick-me-up. Although overall I still feel like a decent 'normal' person, I will always have the guilt of using and the problems that it has caused but it is not healthy to focus on, hence considering myself a completely normal guy as much of the time as possible.
 
I do, and I don't. On one hand I see how society stigmatizes drugs and then carefully doles out "treatment" only to those it deems worthy, but on the other hand, I often feel like a fuckup or that I am weak willed. But then again, I was never one to look at all the "normal" people in the world and want anything to do with any of them. If I was a person who could dabble in drugs without getting addicted, then I probably wouldn't give a shit. But now that it's been years and I can see how my using has hurt the people I love, and that I am a bit older, I understand it's not all about me and my stupid punk rock attitude. When I was younger it was about my body and what I wanted to put in it, but now I have people who depend on me and it just doesn't fit into my life as well as it used to.

But I by no means think the measure of a human being should be gauged on what they use to feel comfort or how they deal with pain, which, at the end of the day, is why our using gets to be a problem. Everybody has their thing.
 
Yes, especially when my mother talks about drugs... That's like a knife in the heart. She doesn't know I'm using, at least not the amount/variety/frequency with which I use. I couldn't live with it if I made her carry that burden. She's already worried sick about me whenever I'm going out or whatever, even though I'm not living at home anymore for over a year.

Also, my school and studying aren't going as fluently as my older brother's did. Of course there's no proof that this is caused by drugs, but I can't help but suspect using for contributing it's part in that.

The only reason I feel bad for using, if I think about it (which I never really did before,) is because of my mother.
I don't know if that's sweet or sad.
 
You sound just like me 100% I'm the same way. I was running and all that a year ago and now I'm back here. But this is what I learned;
Happiness comes from within, not from what your doing . Of course it can change ur mood but to be really happy you need to love urself more I think. And if u feel guilty with what ur doing just know it's never too late to change it but love yourself more than anything
 
^ I can't stand the idea of loving myself, whenever I feel pleased or happy about something I've done, there's a part of my soul that feels pain and torment, like I'm lying and am a horrible person with no sense of modesty and an inflated ego. Objectively it probably couldn't be further from the truth, I hate myself and have severe self esteem problems stemming from abuse I suffered in childhood, but I can't escape it, I can't bring myself to love or even particularly like myself without a part of my mind bringing me down and saying shit i heard as a little girl like that I'm bad and horrible and have no right to feel good about anything i do. But i can't say how much I hate myself either, then my mind says I'm a horrible person lying to illicit sympathy and in doing so disrespecting those who suffered more than me. My mind is doing it right now just by writing this post. Then there's the part of me that really does believe im a horrible evil person that can't be permitted to have self esteem or I will behave even worse. That I need to hate myself to reduce and contain the harm I would inevitably do to people if I didn't keep bringing myself down. I've felt this way as long as I can remember.

Generally speaking I find it impossible to 'just' feel happy, a part of my mind always wrecks it. Even if it's not about me at all and I'm happy about having had some good luck or just feeling happy being with my boyfriend, that part of my mind lights up and tells me not to get too happy because if I do the universe, fate, god, whatever, will take it from me and destroy it. Like that if i love my boyfriend too much I risk him getting hurt by fate to put me back in my place.

Sorry I'm rambling... Yes I feel like a loser.
 
^ I can't stand the idea of loving myself, whenever I feel pleased or happy about something I've done, there's a part of my soul that feels pain and torment, like I'm lying and am a horrible person with no sense of modesty and an inflated ego.

This is me too. It's like whenever somebody pays me a compliment or I achieve something there is always a little voice in the back of my head going "bullshit". When I am using it's easier to feel good about myself. Although I can't figure out if I have always felt this way or if it is just because I've used drugs for so long.
 
^ I can't stand the idea of loving myself, whenever I feel pleased or happy about something I've done, there's a part of my soul that feels pain and torment, like I'm lying and am a horrible person with no sense of modesty and an inflated ego. Objectively it probably couldn't be further from the truth, I hate myself and have severe self esteem problems stemming from abuse I suffered in childhood, but I can't escape it, I can't bring myself to love or even particularly like myself without a part of my mind bringing me down and saying shit i heard as a little girl like that I'm bad and horrible and have no right to feel good about anything i do. But i can't say how much I hate myself either, then my mind says I'm a horrible person lying to illicit sympathy and in doing so disrespecting those who suffered more than me. My mind is doing it right now just by writing this post. Then there's the part of me that really does believe im a horrible evil person that can't be permitted to have self esteem or I will behave even worse. That I need to hate myself to reduce and contain the harm I would inevitably do to people if I didn't keep bringing myself down. I've felt this way as long as I can remember.

Generally speaking I find it impossible to 'just' feel happy, a part of my mind always wrecks it. Even if it's not about me at all and I'm happy about having had some good luck or just feeling happy being with my boyfriend, that part of my mind lights up and tells me not to get too happy because if I do the universe, fate, god, whatever, will take it from me and destroy it. Like that if i love my boyfriend too much I risk him getting hurt by fate to put me back in my place.

Sorry I'm rambling... Yes I feel like a loser.

JessFR, that is a really heartbreaking post. I am so sorry about the abuse you suffered as a child. The trap that was set in your mind is particularly cruel as your suffering goes on and on. Children are so stoic about abuse. They learn to contain it all inside and in that isolation and lack of understanding all sorts of horrible self hatred can take root. Have you ever gotten any therapy for what you endured as a child and what you are living with now? Is any available to you?

I cannot bear to think of you having to go through life carrying this burden.<3
 
JessFR, that is a really heartbreaking post. I am so sorry about the abuse you suffered as a child. The trap that was set in your mind is particularly cruel as your suffering goes on and on. Children are so stoic about abuse. They learn to contain it all inside and in that isolation and lack of understanding all sorts of horrible self hatred can take root. Have you ever gotten any therapy for what you endured as a child and what you are living with now? Is any available to you?

I cannot bear to think of you having to go through life carrying this burden.<3

Thanks, well I did go to therapy for a period of time when I was about 20, went through about 3, 2 psychiatrists 1 psychologist. Primarily for depression, I largely tried to avoid childhood related or abuse related stuff though cause I had a really hard time trusting them. Trust is the problem between me and psychs. It took me over 10 years before I even acknowledged I had been abused as a kid, or had ever suffered from ptsd, so until then I'd never thought to seek help for anything. Even now I still feel a lot of doubts about if it's true or I'm just imagining it. I could try again, only problem is I'm extremely skeptical and have a very hard time believing or trusting psych's, or professionals generally. I suspect it would be a lot easier if I was more trusting and had more faith in them. It also takes up a lot of time and money, I have the former not the latter. Also tbh, I'm kinda terrified I'll end up being told that something I don't wanna hear.
 
Being heavily into the drug culture made me feel like an outlaw, a cowboy, if you want an archetype. I gave no quarter no asked for it. I didn't blame the police for seeking me because I knew that they, secretly, didn't blame me for being me because it's all a circle. Anything untoward that happeend I just regarded as an "act of God," in the actuarial sense.

So as to my mental state. No, I didn't think I was a fuckup or a loser, I thought i was an adventurer, an explorer, one of the last true cowboys, who bucked society's standards for something better. The flipside of this is that I was an insufferable, pretentious, manipulative asshole to the people around me. SO, with a shred of insight, I'd have to go with option 2, made me feel like a fuck up loser. Because even when a fuck up loser is winning, he is still a fuck up loser
 
I feel like I've broken my soul, lost the real me, and don't know how to get it back.

I was a good person. Graduated with an Honours BCom in Management, summa cum laude, four years ago from university. Married my longtime girlfriend of ten years.

Then I got gallstones and was prescribed morphine and y'all know the rest without me even having to write it.

Here I am today, broken and hooked on the shit. I'm twelve days clean but can't stand the fucking demons in my head. Feeling hopeless every day. The overwhelming realization of the failure I've become by not properly being there for my wife. Who's pregnant with our first child. I've so so so so badly let her down and that eats me alive the most. I don't know how to heal and fix this. Kicking the shit is one thing, staving off the misery and broken soul going forward is another.

I just hope that one day this gets better. I want to feel good again. Without the shit. I want to feel like I'm a good person again. Someone my family can be proud of. But I sure can't see any of that right now.

Slave to the game. We'll make it out one day.

-D
 
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