Do you feel guilty about your drug use?

[stratofortress]

First up, sorry if there are countless threads along similar lines as the one I'm making. I had a quick scan through various fora and couldn't find anything too relevant.

Secondly, I wanted to stick a poll at the top of this thread, wanting it to be a sort of survey. It appears only mods can make polls however, so I can forget that idea (unless there are any very easily impressed and/or very high moderators about who'd like to do that with this thread. But I'm not holding my breath.)

I thought a thread like this might ease some of the anxiety and guilt drug users similar to myself feel about their use. I'm 24 tomorrow. Over the past two or three years my drug use has noticeably increased. I've smoked cannabis on occasion since 16. Three years ago I started smoking cannabis almost daily, taking the occasional few day 'tolerance break'. After moving house, I lost my contact, and in an effort to replace the cannabis use started drinking heavily, getting into a fair bit of trouble with the police for the first time in my life (drunk and disorderly charges, nights in cells, coming within a hair's breadth of further trips to the station for shouting at police, etc). Not to mention numerous trips to A&E after several half-assed suicide attempts. Obviously this had a negative effect on my family (this is neither the time nor place to discuss the oddity of alcohol being society's 'safe and legal drug'...). And yes, I'm *very* ashamed of this behaviour. You see police tackling unruly ne'er do-wells to the ground in a scrum of batons and cuffs and feel all smug knowing that you'll never sink that low... well never say never...

Anyway, for better or for worse the urge to get as drunk as I could physically manage seemed to disappear, in large part due to my discovery of opiates in the form of poppy pod tea. Pod tea turned me into the nicest person you could hope to meet: helpful, considerate, sociable (this stuff *kills* any level of anxiety - a huge plus for me), motivated...the list of benefits, as i guess many of you know, goes on...

Next came benzodiazepines. Well, just diazepam actually. (As a sort of relevant side note, over the past year and a half I've been put on a number of antidepressant medications (diagnoses include depression and either generalized or social anxiety...different psychiatrist, different diagnosis, don't know how accurate any of them are really, think i just come across that way to some people), namely citalopram, escitalopram, venlafaxine, mirtazapine, and reboxetine.... which, if you're interested in that sort of thing, are respectively SSRI's (first 2), an SNRI, a NaSSA, and a NeRI... [apologies for the acronyms.] ). None really made a huge difference - hey, maybe I'm not as depressed as the psychiatrists think, - but opiates, (and opioids such as Oxycontin), mixed with some diaz (to the unaware, unexperienced, and over indulgers reading this, I can't stress enough how bad -read potentially fatal- mixing depressants such as these is. Sorry to preach, but on a harm reduction forum, or any forum for that matter, it's necessary to advise very strongly against doing this if you value your life) helped immensely, allowing me to get a part time (albeit voluntary) job for the first time in yonks.

Lord, apologies for all the rambling. The more observant amongst you may have guessed that the latest substance in my repertoire is a stimulant. Bought a gram of the 'research chemical' Ethylphenidate a few days ago. Needless to say it's almost all gone. For those not in the know, Ethylphenidate is an 'analogue' of Methylphenidate (ritalin). Less euphoric, less devastating crash (the benzos undoubtedly help with that as well), but fiendishly moreish.

My eternal gratitude to anyone who's bothered to read this far. I never was very good at getting straight to the point in my school essays, but I'll try to reach it now.

Basically, I'm starting to feel pretty bad about the amount of 'illicit' substances I'm putting into my body. Some make me an unmotivated slob (weed), some make me unpredictably unpleasant (booze), some are scientifically untested, and some are addictive. A couple of years ago I'd have had a hard time believing anyone who told me I'd be using anything 'worse' than weed and alcohol. Now I'm worried I'm at risk of permanently regulating my mood artificially with whatever substance I put into my body.

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tl;dr?

How many of the fairly regular (say a few times a week) drug users feel guilty about the amount their using? This isn't really a question directed to those who need to use to avoid withdrawal (and please don't interpret that as any attempt to downplay the hell of addiction; not that I've ever been through it). Rather, I'm asking if it's fairly common for recreational users to feel guilty as shit for using. Might also be interesting to read some theories as to why we feel this sense of guilt.

Thanks!


Oh, and moderators, or even particularly anally-retentive members, apologies again for such a rambling post. I'll try not to use bluelight as my personal diary again. Please delete this if it's complete BS. I'm sure you know what it's like when you've taken too many stims...

 

[geraggh34]

don't feel guilty brother its a fight we are all in the midst in and we can always fix our flaws it just takes dedication and a fucking fight. i just turned 20 and ive have a 4 year opiate havit 2 year IV, 1 year benzo habit and been slamming coke the last few months and my parents think i only do recreational drugs and am not utterly addicted. sometimes i feel like theres no going back and i hate myself and am a sad muck of shit but i just need to man up and fight.

take care buddy

 

[deficiT]

You don't necessarily have to take one drug every day to just be "addicted" to drugs. Alot of people are just addicted to getting fucked up and it doesn't necessarily matter what substance it is. I'm definitely that way and it makes me feel pretty damn guilty sometimes. But guilt usually is a useless and harmful emotion, so you gotta try and feel better about it because the only person you're living for is you, and you don't have to live up to anybody's standards but your own. Just gotta take it one day at a time

 

[junkieman412]

Guilt only serves to hinder staying clean. you get high, you're guilty for getting high, so you continue to do the one thing that is the source of most of your problems and gullt. It sucks and its senseless

 

[DeathDomokun]

Not in the slightest, I'll never be able to feel guilty about my drug use unless the drug is a medicine that is low in stock and somebody else needed it
I could see myself being guilty about the lengths I might go to in the quest for drugs, but not for drug use itself.

 

[stardust.hero]

Hey there strat there's no need for you to apologize for your post. It was a legitimate question seeking support and feedback and that is what we are here for.

However, polls are mainly used when a question is posted that doesn't need explaining and I think that you and your post in particular is asking for more than just a yes or no answer so I'm going to leave the poll out seeing as you will get your answer but with greater detail and explanation in the responding posts.

As for me I feel remorse and guilt quite often--basically daily. I don't so much feel guilty about the amount of use but just the use in general. I know right from wrong so that plays heavily on my mind.

 

[motherofearth]

In light of your post, I'd hazard a guess you have an addictive personality. While heroin is by leaps and bounds my DOC, my escalating opiate habit (upgrading from ms contins orally ROA, to eventual heroin IV) led me to abuse mostly anything else, in all manners. My point is, for me there was a threshold, and once I transcended it, all bet were off, and guilt rarely, if ever, entered the picture - at least not until I sobered. I don't think you asked for solicitation, so hopefully it won't bother you when I say: the guilt you are feeling, along w/ your preconceptions of "ne'er do wells" (awesome phrasing!) and violations of social mores and personal ethics regarding drug use can be utilized to a positive end - they're likely indicators you should slow down, that your use is registering as harmful, or irresponsible. Of course, you stand the best odds to ascertain the root of your guilt; I'm speculating over here (again, I hope in a way as to not give offense).

Personally, I used to suffer strained, debilitating bouts of guilt for my drinking and the dark behavior and detrimental decision making it aroused. In fact, my brother believes guilt to be a major mechanism in my continued self-destruction - ostensibly, I run from a myriad of past guilt w/ drugs as my getaway vehicle. I can't call him entirely wrong, but my all-consuming heroin use likely manifested from a more complex mixing of emotional factors. Since I need to run some errands, sorry, but the short answer is, while drinking I was perennially guilt-ridden. But once I began abusing heroin daily I felt nothing close to guilt, that is, until I sobered. Then guilt hits like a force of nature, sweeping your consciousness in torrents, really, it is like a great flood when your misdeeds besiege you abruptly, and it can make sobriety daunting. I'll conclude by saying: while it may seem counter-intuitive, perhaps you should value and exploit this guilt as a sort of evolutionary safeguard to curtail behavior you essentially don't respect/enjoy/approve within yourself.

Best of luck,

 

[junkieman412]

Not in the slightest, I'll never be able to feel guilty about my drug use unless the drug is a medicine that is low in stock and somebody else needed it
I could see myself being guilty about the lengths I might go to in the quest for drugs, but not for drug use itself.

We may differ there or have different DOCs but for me its the realization and building guilt over those being hurt over my use. I guess maybe your just a successful user or not an addict at all. For me i put my use over everything else in my life. This includes family, even eating properly or not at all, risky behavior, loss of friends. I can't be alone here many addicts have to behave similarly. like i said maybe your just successful and well never have to go through losing a job, friends, family members, freedom. . consequences many of us face. not to mention years of or lives wasted. if u can do it and not be guilty about that stuff or not guilty at all great. it eats at me though personally

 

[motherofearth]

We may differ there or have different DOCs but for me its the realization and building guilt over those being hurt over my use. I guess maybe your just a successful user or not an addict at all. For me i put my use over everything else in my life. This includes family, even eating properly or not at all, risky behavior, loss of friends. I can't be alone here many addicts have to behave similarly. like i said maybe your just successful and well never have to go through losing a job, friends, family members, freedom. . consequences many of us face. not to mention years of or lives wasted. if u can do it and not be guilty about that stuff or not guilty at all great. it eats at me though personally

I read it as DeathDomokun seeing a distinct difference between his intrinsic use and the (harmful?) aspects potentially arising from drug use. An addict or dependent can of course conduct themselves in a way that is, or appears, socially responsible (for which criterion is totally subjective); it's within the realm of possibilities, even if it's not typical. junkieman412, it appears you aren't comfortable disassociating your use from consequent behaviors - perfectly reasonable. You each approach it differently it seems to me.

 

[junkieman412]

I read it as DeathDomokun seeing a distinct difference between his intrinsic use and the (harmful?) aspects potentially arising from drug use. An addict or dependent can of course conduct themselves in a way that is, or appears, socially responsible (for which criterion is totally subjective); it's within the realm of possibilities, even if it's not typical. junkieman412, it appears you aren't comfortable disassociating your use from consequent behaviors - perfectly reasonable. You each approach it differently it seems to me.

The insight is appreciated. For me i can't keep things under control so that connection between use and consequence is always in my mind in regards to most chemicals. I'm allergic you know. I can never use

 

[junkieman412]

I've accepted it, I am an addict through and through. Moderation I know not of. It always end up bad

 

[Opanaking]

Yes I do feel guilty about my drug use.Why you ask? Becuase I already hit my rock bottom and worked hard to kick a benzo/opiate/coke/speed/alcohol/whatever else I could find habbit. I stayed clean for two years. Chipping was fun, but I started doing it to much. I realized once again that I need to stay completely away from this stuff for awhile, and if I do use it can only be rarely to celebrate. it's weird, once you get that feeling "been there done that" it just doesn't feel right slipping back into your old ways.

 

[junkieman412]

I feel you on that. I said in another thread that is hard top get high with it head full of recovery. when I slip up now it only.lasts for a lil bit cause im aware of the damage I'm doing to myself and those around me. Lord do I hate this ducking disease

 

[5000m]

Yes op I can relate to this, even though I'm not even a hard user

 

[kaywholed]

I feel ashamed I am forced to hide my harmless drug use, and that I don't do enough to stand up for what I believe is a right to live better through chemistry.

 

[xxxyyy]

i don't feel guilty for using drugs/alcohol, i feel guilty for being unable to control it

 

[2LILTIMENOT2]

I feel tremendously guilty for my usage. I'm a 100% functioning addict, only a select few know this of me, and 2 of those few are addicts as well. My wife has no clue and it kills me to say that because I love her deeply. Over the past 5 - 6 years its gradually increased to the point of a very serious problem and dependency.

I am up to 6-8 30mg blues a day, including 4-6 350mg soma, mild alcohol usage, and pretty much anything else that gets put in front of me pill wise. Its becoming more and more obvious that something is very wrong with me (in my wifes eyes), mood swings, sleeplessness, and approx every 10 - 15 days we go at each others throats. She's desperately trying to figure me out, but shes a little naive when it comes to this type of shit, which is the only reason its gone on for so long.

I think one of the main reasons that I feel so guilty is that this addiction has put us in a huge financial bind. Its not exactly normal when a person makes 100+k a year and has very little to show for it, and can barely make it to the next paycheck.. Awesome huh? I've been trying very hard to cut back, every month I try to quit, but fail to make it over the hump. I'll make it about 5 - 6 days and then start again. God, I hate it. Like others have mentioned on here, I suffer from a lot of stress and anxiety. I've tried countless other anxiety specific medications and nothing quite does the trick like this. It acts purely as an anti-anxiety drug for me, it doesn't even get me high anymore per-se.

I'm currently on my 6th clean day, and I feel horrible.. On top of feeling like ass, the anxiety and stress is already beginning to come back. I already feel guilty because I know in the next 48 hrs I will no longer be clean. It pains me, I honestly don't deserve my wife, its terrible that she has to endure this as well, especially not even knowing why. The burden for me guilt wise is huge.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

Using (most) drugs period doesn't make me feel guilty as I don't feel that there is anything morally wrong with drug use it and of itself. But I do feel a lot of guilt about having had an addiction and all the things that came along with that, like permanent health effects, wasted/lost time, things I did to get money for drugs, putting drugs above everything else, etc.

Right now I feel really guilty because I am trying to get off methadone and I am sick all the time and am not really doing anything except trying to survive. I haven't been working or holding up my responsibilities or exercising and I've been neglecting my very kind, supportive and understanding partner. I often feel like I was a much more fun person to be around back when I was using heroin and definitely more productive and motivated, granted much of that motivation was centered on making money for drugs. I tell myself I am just being this way because of the mental and physical withdrawals from the methadone and that it will get better, but in reality I wonder if part of it is that I have a lot of mental issues and health issues that I am not properly dealing with which were being treated by heroin. Because after I quit heroin but was still on methadone, I still had some of these issues (lack of motivation, fatigue, anxiety, less interest in sex, pain, etc). I feel like it is my fault for not knowing what to do to treat myself and for not putting enough effort into seeking out potential diagnoses or treatment. Not that I haven't tried in the past, but I just kind of gave up because the medical system wasn't helping me. And I worry that I have caused or made worse many of these issues from being on heroin and methadone for so many years.

I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had gotten proper treatment for my mental and physical health when I was 14 instead of using heroin, or what my life would have been like if I had been able to quit heroin without going on methadone for 10 years.

I think I have a tendency to blame myself for everything and to be really hard on myself. I'm sure that is one of my main problems and maybe comes from the fact that as a child I felt blamed for everything and that I was never good enough, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to be kind to myself.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

I'm currently on my 6th clean day, and I feel horrible.. On top of feeling like ass, the anxiety and stress is already beginning to come back. I already feel guilty because I know in the next 48 hrs I will no longer be clean. It pains me, I honestly don't deserve my wife, its terrible that she has to endure this as well, especially not even knowing why. The burden for me guilt wise is huge.

Why do you know you will use in the next 48 hours? Have you just resigned yourself to that being inevitable and feel you have no choice? If you can make it 6 days that's pretty awesome. No one quits on their first try.

Why do you keep this from your wife? Are you afraid that she would leave you? Or that you would be forced to quit and you don't actually want to? Or just that you would feel even more guilty? Sometimes it is a huge relief to tell someone and sometimes they can be more supportive than you imagined. I know it was a lot worse for me when my partner didn't know.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I've never felt guilty about a damn thing. I did feel ashamed of myself, when I realized how much of a grip oxy had on my life, and how little control I had over it. So, I quit. I still get fucked up though, but not nearly as much. And I don't take opiates anympre.