Mental Health Do you feel addicted to chaos? Misery, Suffering? I feel ungrateful.

JessFR

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So here's the thing, I'm 27 now.. I had joined bluelight having just turned 24, 3 years ago as of tomorrow I just noticed.

From what little I remember of ages 0-13, it was almost never ending chaos, yelling, traumatic experiences, shit like that.
13-18 was a little better, outside some more really shitty additional traumatic stuff around 16-17. Better, but not much.
19-early22 really really sucked. Got extremely depressed, My recreational occasional drug use became use of hard drugs which I still haven't kicked.
I tried to kill myself, I ran away from home (assuming it counts as running away after 18, I didn't exactly move, I packed a bag and disappeared). Spent a little time homeless.

I bring this up to bring up some context as to why maybe I feel like I'm losing my mind today.

So anyway, was homeless, and I met a guy, nicest, kindest guy I've ever met. Same age as me, really cute, we were friends immediately. He convinced his horrible mother and much nicer father to take me in for a while, so I'd have somewhere to stay till I found a place to live.

A couple months passed and he told me he loved me, I soon after fell in love with him. And so a couple years later when his parents divorced we found our own place to live. That was almost 3 years ago. We've lived together ever since. So, we've been together 5 years, and still love each other, we have our problems, money troubles, regular couple drama's. But overall my life for the last 3 years has been very comparatively stable, safe, and for the most part I have almost everything I ever wanted, barring being out of poverty, and that's only because all the money I get that doesn't go to my half of bills or rent I spend on drugs or cigarettes. Technically I'd still be in poverty if I didn't, but only marginally.

But something feels wrong, a feeling of unease, sort of like feeling like you're trapped in a room, a really nice room granted, with all the amenities you want. But it's so quiet, and a part of you feels driven to leave it even if it's so much safer there, even though by and large you like it there. I feel this compulsion to run away again. I don't want to leave him or break up, I still love him as much as I ever have, more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I love myself. So why do I feel this way?

By all objective markers our lives would be substantially worse if I ran away, so I don't. But it's like this nagging compulsion constantly in my mind anyway. I feel totally ungrateful for everything I have, correction, I AM totally ungrateful. I have a good friend in jail and I'm complaining that my life has been too good for too long? And most people probably wouldn't say it's THAT good, I'm a 27 year old high school dropout drug addict, but it feels a lot better than my life used to be. What is wrong with me. This is why I ask under the relative anonymity of bluelight, has anyone else here felt something like this? What did you do, what do you think? Why do I feel the urge to run from what I have for the stupidest of reasons.

Could it be I lived with chaos and shit for so long that now that it's gone I feel empty without it? That sounds retarded. I haven't forgotten what it was like, I'd be insane to want it back. I'm not going to do it, I just don't wanna feel like this.
 
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Let me ask you this...are you afraid something bad is going to happen because you've been through so much stuff, and like you said everything has been good for a long time?
 
I do feel like that, I especially felt like that in the first year or so. But it's never entirely gone away.

It is hard sometimes, like that it feels having someone I love so much has made me even more vulnerable. I'm not sure my feelings are entirely because I'm afraid of losing what I have and on some level want that fear gone. It might be apart of it. I dunno.

And thanks, I am happy with what I have, I just wish I didn't feel this underlying sense of unease.
 
I always feel like if something is going good in my life something bad will happen. Im just an anxious person in general though. I've learned to deal with feelings and block them out, but every now and again it hits me strong.

Do you have medical insurance? I honestly feel that if you talked to a counselor who doed CBT, you would benefit IMO.
 
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