Do you ever wonder if there is something everyone knows about you

[blahman8000]

except for you?

It's hard to distinguish between reality and simply the results of obsessive paranoia — at least lately. Isolation only lends momentum to the motor behind it. But given enough time, I will obsess and convince myself that I have some kind of disease or something about me that nobody is willing to say anything about, for whatever reason. Although when people are willing to speak up about it, it is usually spoken out of cruelty and insult. Or again, the paranoia.

All that seems to relieve it is alcohol. I've spent all that time that I can remember obsessing over one "theme" or another, and at times I cannot bear it. It all feels so true and so real, that it simply is real. That even as I'm typing this, I'm disagreeing with my ambivalence over it.

All that relieves it is alcohol, with each episode. Sometimes I'll spend the majority of it sober, sometimes not even for a few days. And other times just never. I've tried medication, therapy, rehab, psychiatric institutions, etc. All that helps is alcohol. And I'm going to deny myself that? When I have this disorder or that one, when this version of nihilism must be true, or that all of my life is just in my head. When this is constant, what should I even do? This has ruined my life. I'm 27 years old and I don't have a job anymore, I never finished school, I live under my parents' roof and I don't even know if they give a damn about me, I've accomplished NOTHING. All I feel throughout every moment of sobriety is this constant thinking, anxiety, and most of all this shunning isolation because I am so disgusting to everything out there. Why deny myself a damn drink? Sobriety is this second by second acute experience of heavy thinking that leads to heavy pain.

This whole post has already gone wrong, and I apologize for my complaining. I guess my conclusion has been, why not just drink until I die? Because people care? I haven't seen much of that. Because life is worth living? I don't know if mine is. Because I'll go to hell if I do? Please. I'll take a bus tomorrow.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Have you tried meditation? Yoga? You need to quiet your mind. Learn how to relax.

 

[Maya]

Hi OP, we actually have a post your mindfulness resources thread that might be able to help you:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/613916-Post-Your-Best-Mindfulness-Resources-and-Experiences

I hope this will be of help to you goodluck!

 

[herbavore]

But Blahman, what if the alcohol is actually contributing to those kinds of thoughts? Maybe drinking to blackout temporarily relieves the paranoid thinking (by obliterating all thinking) but what if the damage to your body and mind is contributing to the dark thoughts in general.

If you give up on yourself, you will never get to the bottom of why and how all this started in you. It seems to me that you are falling into a trap that is very seductive to all of us when overwhelmed by our own chaos: the trap of fatalism. Fatalism says that because you are like this now, you will always be like this. Fatalism takes away the need to risk trying to change and it takes away the fear of failure. It says, stay right here where everything is familiar, even when what is familiar is killing you. I know that trap--I'm not trying to sound superior to it. Maybe I don't do it about alcohol but I do it in plenty of other areas of my life. It's easy for me to see it in others because I do it myself.8)

From the outside it seems to me like you are the moth and your parents/family are the flame. You keep going back because you want the relationship of approval and love and support that they did not give you as a child. (And now the relationship no doubt has a whole new layer of shame for you because they are supporting you and thus in control again.) But time and again the absence of that relationship has burned you. What if you could detach yourself from them for a while? Do you think that would help? I know it seems impossible right now since you are not working and are feeling so unstable but could it be something that you could at least set your sights on for the near future?

I remember when you first moved out before and things were rough but you did an amazing job of making them work for a while. You have strength in you and you have creativity and a wonderful heart. Don't give up on yourself, as tempting as that thought may be.

 

[Trying2Iso]

yeah i get that feeling.
when i was little i freaked out worried that i was born a girl and given a sex change by my parents. because a kid on the bus told me about sex changes and also my best friend was a girl.
then in high school i freaked out worried that i screamed crazy things in my sleep and my family could hear them but didn't say anything
it's common for us to worry about what others know about us, as everyone has secrets. everyone.
If ANYONE's entire persona was revealed to the world, i'm sure anybody could find something shocking in it.

 

[blahman8000]

Have you tried meditation? Yoga? You need to quiet your mind. Learn how to relax.

I have tried meditation in the past. I never really stuck with it, I guess. Right now I find it frightening. To sit sober, I feel that I'd have to face everything.

Hi OP, we actually have a post your mindfulness resources thread that might be able to help you:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/613916-Post-Your-Best-Mindfulness-Resources-and-Experiences

I hope this will be of help to you goodluck!

Thank you. I'll definitely read through this thread.

But Blahman, what if the alcohol is actually contributing to those kinds of thoughts? Maybe drinking to blackout temporarily relieves the paranoid thinking (by obliterating all thinking) but what if the damage to your body and mind is contributing to the dark thoughts in general.

If you give up on yourself, you will never get to the bottom of why and how all this started in you. It seems to me that you are falling into a trap that is very seductive to all of us when overwhelmed by our own chaos: the trap of fatalism. Fatalism says that because you are like this now, you will always be like this. Fatalism takes away the need to risk trying to change and it takes away the fear of failure. It says, stay right here where everything is familiar, even when what is familiar is killing you. I know that trap--I'm not trying to sound superior to it. Maybe I don't do it about alcohol but I do it in plenty of other areas of my life. It's easy for me to see it in others because I do it myself.8)

From the outside it seems to me like you are the moth and your parents/family are the flame. You keep going back because you want the relationship of approval and love and support that they did not give you as a child. (And now the relationship no doubt has a whole new layer of shame for you because they are supporting you and thus in control again.) But time and again the absence of that relationship has burned you. What if you could detach yourself from them for a while? Do you think that would help? I know it seems impossible right now since you are not working and are feeling so unstable but could it be something that you could at least set your sights on for the near future?

I remember when you first moved out before and things were rough but you did an amazing job of making them work for a while. You have strength in you and you have creativity and a wonderful heart. Don't give up on yourself, as tempting as that thought may be.

I can't seem to pull through this consistent problem. I'm aware that I am definitely some kind of freak. I spend most of my time wondering what kind of freak I am. Because nobody is telling me what is really going on. Nobody is looking at me, hearing me, and telling me the truth. I analyze my voice, my mannerisms, everything; but I must be right that something is wrong. "My voice is too high, I look too young," or "I look too old," or "EVERYONE IS LYING TO ME." Everyone is so happy to insult me. Why? Maybe because the most offensive people are the most honest. Maybe there is something wrong that the rest of people won't speak about.

I'm some pity project. I am fucked up in the head, fucked up in the body, in the spirit.. There is nothing. I tried to kill myself. It wasn't enough.

yeah i get that feeling.
when i was little i freaked out worried that i was born a girl and given a sex change by my parents. because a kid on the bus told me about sex changes and also my best friend was a girl.
then in high school i freaked out worried that i screamed crazy things in my sleep and my family could hear them but didn't say anything
it's common for us to worry about what others know about us, as everyone has secrets. everyone.
If ANYONE's entire persona was revealed to the world, i'm sure anybody could find something shocking in it.

It sounds like we have been on the same page. I've led myself to believe just about everything possible. Right now I'm obsessing over the facts that I apparently look young and sound young. Before I wondered if I looked much older. Now I keep wondering if anybody will just tell me. What is wrong with me!? I am sure that everything is wrong.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like your thoughts are getting really obsessive and I can see why that scares you. But they are thoughts and thoughts can be changed. Talking to a GOOD (not shitty) therapist would probably really help right now.