Do you all think I have a problem?

[schwelly]

Hello, I have long crept on this site for information, and recently joined to start interacting with the community. I find this sight a plethora of knowledge and am very grateful for it. The reason for this post is I have some concerns about my substance use. I will give a quick run down of it, please tell me what you think, and if you think I have addiction.

I started using when I was 12- smoked pot regularly and took vicoden occasionally until I was 16. Went to rehab to avoid failing a UA (got arrested for possession of marijuana) Stayed clean until 18- because I was convinced I was an alcoholic and addict, even though I didn't feel I showed symptoms(12 step meetings help convince me) I started using again at 18. From 18-19 I used a lot of E, quite a bit of Xanax and some methamphetamines. As a result my family kicked me out, and I was on my own. Was young and stupid- didn't get a job, and basically was irresponsible and stole to get my drugs. As a result I was sleeping from couch to couch, and was estranged from my family. I don't attribute this ALL to substances- most of it I attribute to being young and irresponsible- and down right dumb. Went to rehab again- Texas sent me for a 20 sack of pot. This time I stayed sober for 5 years- I thought "If I am using meth- I HAVE TO BE AN ADDICT. Also- in the time from 18-19 as soon as I woke up- I would find a way to get loaded. From the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep I was fixated on getting high. After 5 years off everything- I decided Im 24 now, I feel like I can be responsible, I will start drinking again. At this point in my life I was responsible- I had a job, I was in school, supporting myself, and was in excellent shape. Now I am 26. There are some major differences this time around.
1. I don't get intoxicated until the end of the day (after all my homework is done, and im off work)
2. I don't steal to get my drugs- I work for my money- pay my bills make sure everything is taken care of before I get my drugs (for the most part- there have been a couple times I have been irresponsible)
3. I am able to control my drinking/using- meaning once I start drinking, or whatever, I am able to turn it off. (With the exception of opiates- these I tend to have a problem with)

So basically I am asking what you all think? I can control my alcohol consumption, I smoke pot only at night to go to sleep, and I use opiates probable once to twice a week. However, my main concern is my wife hates it when I use anything other than alcohol or pot. I tell her I will stop- but I do it behind her back- which I know is a sign of a problem(at least I think it is). But I can't subscribe to the idea that I am an alcoholic/addict when I am able to control my use for the most part. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I am irresponsible with my money, or my using but 90% of the time I do it responsibly.

I thought I would get yalls feedback- and I am open to anything- please tell me what you all think.


Drug history- Pot, E, Mushrooms, LSD, Meth, Heroin, Alcohol, Xanax

 

[OverDone]

Dude told me once that "people who don't have problems with drugs typically don't spend much time wondering whether they have problems with drugs". The question you ask is a personal one with a very personal answer.

You're mindful of your actions. Please stay just as mindful and stay just as honest with yourself. If you have lost control you will know it. For me, I didn't recognize I was losing control until I was already caught in the grips (this was due to not being honest with myself)

Often enough, those closest to us see our flaws before we do. Be rerceptive to your wife's input. She may (or may not) be accurate

 

[schwelly]

Thank you for your response. I to have heard that saying haha. Yes, I wouldn't think people without a history with alcohol/drugs would be asking this. I do try to be mindful of my actions, and what is going on in my life. I don't ever want to go back to being homeless/lying/cheating etc, and I know that if I am not careful with my substance use, I can easily go back there. You see, I am struggling with the idea of whether or not I am indeed an addict/alcoholic. It is in my family, my grandma was in AA, my Mom is(although she sobered up a year after my 5 year stint sober), my sister is (also sobered up after my 5 year sober stint). So needles to say, I have been around AA my entire life (got introduced at a very young age due to my grandma being in AA) so I battle with he idea of "Yes you have had alcoholic symptoms years ago 8 to be exact, but now you are older, have learned some things about yourself and you are able to moderate your drinking, so AM I?" I am not at all opposed to the IDEA that I may indeed be one of the hopeless varity that cannot consume mind altering substances in moderation. I may indeed be an alcoholic/addict. But why is it that I am able to moderate today? That is what I cannot figure out- and this quest I am on THIS IS WHERE I MUST BE HONEST WITH MYSELF. The saying "To thine own self be true" definitely applies here. I am going to make a journal- recording my substance use for the next 90 days. I will be honest and record in detail. Finally, I will cut back use of opiates with the goal of tapering off them for good. I do know for a fact I cannot moderate heroin, or oxycodone, or speed etc. But alcohol, and marijuana I don't seem to have an issue moderating.


THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR INPUT!!! AND I WELCOME INPUT FROM ANYONE AND EVERYONE!

 

[OverDone]

Do you think that by journaling your usage you may be focusing on the usage too much? Sometimes we maximize (or bring to fruition) those things that we constantly think of (for good or for bad). For example, if I'm thinking about chocolate cake, looking up different recipes for chocolate cake and talking about chocolate cake, I'm for damn sure having some chocolate cake!

I know moderation is the goal but seeing hard data may work against you. If you do .5g of a substance for 5 days to achieve a certain effect. Looking on paper could give you ammunition in justifying 1g just to make it just that much better

Progression may or may not happen. I think hyper focusing on the usage may perhaps tip the scales towards a progression being more likely.

Go by your feelings, experience, and thoughts. If you see an increase in thinking errors, you may be seeing some red flags

 

[schwelly]

I see what you are saying, and I do see how it could highlight the data- thus causing me to say "oh! I need more to achieve desired effect" and then go do it. But my purpose is to keep a journal so I can honestly review my use at the end of 90 days, and then analyze it to see what it looks like. As far as opiate use goes- I have zero control over them- they MUST go. I am resolving myself not to use them again- just for today (one day at a time) because they have caused problems in my life, yet I continue to use them- to me that is addiction. therefore they must go since they are causing harm in my life. I may or may not keep this journal. But can we stay in touch via private messages? I feel I could use your support- I need all the support I can get. I know I could attend a 12 step meeting- but my only issue with that is I am not abstaining from alcohol/marijuana- why would I when they are not causing chaos in my life? And I know 12 step meeting s encourage total abstinence- now if I continue to drink and smoke pot- and it leads me back to opiates then I have a choice to make- give it all up and go back into the program of recovery, or try to put the opiates down again and continue to drink/smoke in moderation. IDK I have a lot of fear that my life will go to hell in a hand basket- but I know if I am honest with myself I will do what needs to be done- because ultimately I just want to be okay. Finally I know alcohol/marijuana WILL NOT FIX ME. I know that is an inside job I must do myself- and I intend to through therapy/church/incorporating the spiritual principles of the 12 step programs- because drinking or not, I won't be happy unless I am living a spiritual life- that is the only method I have ever found to work when it comes to gaining contentment in my life. I will pm you in the hopes we can stay in touch!

 

[southeast]

I've never stolen to get drugs... but I've spanged. If youre asking, don't you think that speaks loudly enough?