Do I have any talent?

[streetsurfer]

Everything really got on top of me the other day, I really needed something, anything to ease my pain, something to show me that someone cared. I went to this message board where I used to post alot 2 years ago and wrote this
I think its a little cliche, but I would value any comments cheers

Life is not a rehersal

Question:
What are you doing with your life? Where are you going? How are you making a difference? [glow=red,2,300]What are you passionate about?[/glow]
I recently returned here after a 2 year hiatus, previous to that I was a very regular poster logging that post count in about 12 months. I also got to know some of the other people who posted here..... when I say know, I mean their opinions, their values and beliefs.
I have to admit, I was kinda saddened by the ambivalent kinda welcome back I got. I thought, if I had friends in real life who I spent months discussing all kinds of things with, often quite personal things, and didn't see them for a couple of years we would crack open a case and chat for hours, catch up u know?
Then I thought, who are these people? do I really know them?
What if they have disgusting personal habits, what if they leer at young schoolgirls, what if they can't speak to a woman without gazing at her tits, what if they are just plain rude and unpleasant people? Would I chat to them in a pub? These are statistically most definitely some of the people you are speaking to and maybe respect and admire. Maybe they are your "friends".... so how do you know?
What visual, verbal, and gut feelings that play a major part of your judgment of a persons character stop at the keyboard? Lier's, scumbags, psychopaths, one develops a sense of when somethings not right in real life, you pick up cue's that come through their veneer of civility, but do you think that comes out in the cold hard text?

How much time is spent making one post expressing your beliefs about a particular subject? How much time in a month, in a year? Now think of every person who contributes to that thread, how much collective time does that represent.

How long do you spend reading someone else's reply? How much time do you think people spend reading your posts? How long do you think they spend considering it and how many times have you read someone else's post twice for better understanding, rather than looking for points for your rebuttal?
How else could that time be utilized? Playing with your kids, doing some charity work, doing a degree by correspondence, doing something about your weight problem? Imagine having a conversation with all these people in real life for that amount of time, how much more information would you gain, how much more thouroughly would you listen, what benefits unrelated to the discussion would spin off from interacting with all these people

Consider. Are these people going to be their to comfort you after a break up or the death of a loved one? Put their arms around you, hold you, tell you everything will be OK. Will they come over and help you move a fridge? Will they compliment you on a new pair of shoes?
If I take acid and have an amazing conversation with a mystical being, is it any less real than a conversation here?
No
This is all fake, this is escapism as much so any drug user. It gives you a freedom, it gives you escape, bills, work, depression, none of this matters whilst you are in front of this screen. Do you think about it when your away from it. Does it make you angry when you can't have it? Maybe, maybe not. But I will tell you this.
Life is not a Rehearsal, this is the only one you get. Tomorrow you may be hit by a bus, next year you may be in a hospital bed dieing of cancer.
How will you look back on your life? Would you feel satisfied or remorsefull. Did you make a difference or did you live a life of hedonistic pleasure. Will you have friends around you or the blackness of the SVrider.com message board.
Would you find peace in that hospital bed?
This is your chance, there is no love here, it is all an illusion. Buddha said "Life is suffering" and it is by suffering we define our lives. It is by suffering we grow and hopefully, find some kind of fulfillment and if not, understanding.
Take a look at your life, rate everything in it by this simple criteria. Will it lead to happiness or will it not.
Good Luck, Goodbye.

 

[wesmdow]

heh, i read your post twice and considered what you said.

ive come to many of the some conclusions, but (if you are gonna read this... you say goodbye as if you arent) there ARE some things about this community that are positive!

the fact that its just a screen; the only persona people see in you comes from (at least in my case) purely black, lowercase text--this fact can be taken 2 ways. it can be interpreted, the way you see it, as cold and uncaring, unreal. BUT the way i look at it, i think that the anonymity of the internet (or bluelight) leads to in honesty--FAR greater than in real life, where your actions have an effect on your life.

you can be perfectly honest here, and people will listen (read), for no other reason than that they are interested.

no offense--but you only have 461 posts. thats HARDLY regular. people barely know me and i have 3x your post count. i wouldnt be missed--but then i dont expect to be, due to the nature of the internet.

bluelight, and this forum (your post is misplaced!) are a form of entertainment, how many hours do you watch tv? how many hours do you SLEEP? (you see, you can call anything a waste of time, and then dismiss it as useless)

my point, i suppose, is that while surfing bluelight IS an escape--we as humans need that! why would someone waste their time on here, if they didnt care about their fellow men? as far as message boards go, this is the most positive, uplifting website ive ever come across!

it sounds to me like youre upset because no one remembers your 460 posts from 2 years ago... how absurd is that? there are literally thousands(?) of users here. just because no one remembers you, doesnt mean they dont care.

also, you mention the fact that they may be 'deviants'. in my (non)professional opinion, the amount of deviants on an internet message board vs real life ought to be about the same! they keep it a secret here, and (your mates, even might) keep it a secret from you!

i say this because every single time i have to come out and admit that i have a drug problem, everyone around me is SHOCKED! i hide this nasty quality of mine pretty deep down--few people know about my addiction(s), even my closest friends and my girlfriend.

...or if this is some kind of poem, my apolagies, but its crappy as all hell. delete it.

 

[wesmdow]

its funny, as i graze your post a third time... most of the things i consider to be a POSITIVE (i.e. the amount of collective time/energy summated in a single thread) you point out as NEGATIVE!


...and im a 'glass is half empty' type of person... to the point where i tend to add the clause "...of poison" to the end (in my head) when anyone asks me.

so your views, while pescimistic, are quite puzzling to me as ive always seen myself as quite the pescimist.

 

[Raz]

^^^Don't know if it makes a difference, but I don't think bluelight was the forum in his post, dude....I assume svrider.com is the site you were talking about streetsurfer?

I think streetsurfer made good points about enjoying life and not wasting it hiding behind a computer screen....but I also agree with wes that there's a lot of positivity to be gained from being part of an online community and I think you will see the negative if you look for it in anything.

As a piece of writing, it definitely got me thinking....provocative work is good work.

 

[(Wordy)]

Couldn't have put it better myself, Raz.

I owe a lot to online forums. I met my fiancée, and many good friends, through forums, and in general I think they've enriched my life in many ways.

On the other hand, I know from first-hand experience that forums can be vicious and tumultuous places where pride and feelings can get a battering. They can also be highly addictive, with all the baggage that addiction carries with it.

streetsurfer, I think your writing and ideas have plenty of potential. Maybe you could consider turning this into a feature article? That would involve some research, but I'm sure it'd be worth it. It's a subject that a lot of people want to read about and discuss.

 

[streetsurfer]

Hey, thanx for the comments especially u wesmdow. Just wanted 2 clarify, it wasn't this website it was another that I racked up about 700 posts in 8 months in a small community that I was refering to.
I didn't consider alot of the positives you mentioned in ur posts. I guess I was coming from the perspective that it was my only social outlet at the time. I was working nights and I felt close to some of these people.

The internet for me and many others is escapism. I suffer from depression, really really severe bipolar depression. It is eating me alive I shit u not.

The interactions I have online, they are instead of, not in addition to, interactions in real life. And they always leave me frustrated, and empty, and wanting for more.......yet so do the ones in real life...
I am still socially isolated because of it and while I am in front of the computer, I don't feel sad, I don't feel lonely. The time I spend online is now almost wholly spent reserching anything to do with the brain and pharmacology, I feel it is productive time, it feels like I am doing something, working towards something, a treatment, a solution, some kind of answer to kill this bitch disease.

I never watch tv, I never relax, I am driven to ........ search. For a cure, for relief, like its the holy fucking grail.

I guess I am searching both for myself and to escape myself.

Maybe its my self I want to kill

 

[streetsurfer]

and don't take that literally n send the cops to my house cos I am goin to bed. All's good (relitively) 8)

 

[(Wordy)]

The time I spend online is now almost wholly spent reserching anything to do with the brain and pharmacology, I feel it is productive time, it feels like I am doing something, working towards something, a treatment, a solution, some kind of answer to kill this bitch disease.

I never watch tv, I never relax, I am driven to ........ search. For a cure, for relief, like its the holy fucking grail.

I guess I am searching both for myself and to escape myself.

I'm really glad you have something meaningful that drives you on. I understand where you're coming from, having battled depression myself for many years. In fact, I think having something meaningful to do is half the battle. The other half is having and maintaining the energy to do it.

Good luck streetsurfer, your words make a lot of sense...