I have always had an ‘issue’ with Benzos ever since I was first prescribed 3 years back but it was always a one off binge thing e.g doctor would give me 14 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin to last a month and right after the appointment, on my way home, I would take all 14 but after the high wore off, I never needed them.
Then it started as me telling lies to my doctors that I’ve lost my benzos and need a re prescription (I finished my 1st prescription in one go). As of this year, I have started visiting various doctors to get different kinds of Benzos and the main healthcare provider that used to prescribe me clonazepam rarely does as they suspect I abuse the medication, so I came up with another story and am getting prescribed Xanax (usually 14 tabs 0.25mg which I finish within one day).
My main benzodiazepine for now is Bromazepam (10 tabs 1.5mg) and it is supposed to last for 1 week but I finish all in one day as I cannot just take one or two. My tolerance has risen and a few occasions I did some really stupid things like combining Bromazepam with beer and Xanax with Gin, which I know is very dangerous.
Whenever I get my salary, I visit a particular clinic to obtain Xanax (as the dose of Xanax there is the strongest amongst all the clinics I've been to so far) and once again, though its supposed to last me for a while (10 tabs 0.5mg) I take them all in one day as usual and wake up in a haze. To combat that haze, I have 2 regular beers in the morning. Especially after using Xanax (& Klonopin in high doses) I become mentally obsessed with obtaining more Benzos from other doctors.
My main benzodiazepine of choice is still Clonazepam but I’ve noticed my tolerance is way higher than it used to be and I have to take a lot so it doesn't excite me as much as it used to and it's way harder for me to obtain it now.
I stopped benzos for a while after an incident last year where a doctor prescribed me 42 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin supposed to last me for 3 weeks and I took at least 20 in one day, blacked out and took the remaining as well. I then went back the next day and lied to the doctor saying I lost the medication and need another 42 tabs and was given, though they were suspicious. So I took another 20 tabs of Klonopin and remember ringing up my counsellor and blabbering about me wanting to end my life etc and 4 cops immediately showed up in my home. Since my medication is prescribed and legal, they couldn't do much but advised me not to take that many and left quickly. After that event, I was off benzos for a good 6-7 months.
I do not have physical withdrawals and don’t drink alcohol much, in fact I used to attend AA in the past but found that alcohol isn’t much of an issue for me and I don’t enjoy it or obsess over it like Benzos.
For those who have struggled with benzodiazepine addiction, do you think I am possibly mentally addicted to the drugs? Right now, I have to go and get a prescription of Bromazepam once a week and I finish them all in one day and the rest of the week I am clean. I can't afford to get Xanax regularly due to the suspicion and if I am really craving benzos but can't get my hands on some, I drink a couple of beers but it never satisfies me nor do I really enjoy it - the puking, hangovers etc.
I do have a history of depression & my psych diagnosed me with borderline PD after couple of months of observation though I can say I have grown out out of some of my BPD traits, they are still there. I have taken up lots of volunteer work, I love animals so I do help out at a dog shelter every weekend and am also a wildlife rescue volunteer officer in the weekends.
I really need some guidance as I can observe my memory being not as sharp as it used to be and I am only 22! When I am on Xanax or high doses of Klonopin, I become very impulsive and spend my money like there's no tomorrow or decide to go benzo shopping with different doctors.
I'll be frank - I just got a prescription of 14tabs of 0.25mg Xanax today from the doctor and have already taken 10 but don't feel much.