Red Dragonfly
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2024
- Messages
- 17
Five months ago I was tripping for the first time in life. It was on 50 ug LSD. It wasn't a pleasant experience. On the peak I felt like in a dreamlike bubble, an absent feeling. It felt claustrophobic and scary and I was longing back to reality. The worst part of it was when even the music that I was listening to started to slip away, like the bubble that I was inside drowned both the sound and my awareness of the location of the speakers. I remember which song was playing at the moment though, and I haven't listened to it since then. Haven't felt like it. Luckily I didn't experience any thought loops, rather the opposite, that I was so focused at the present that I couldn't really think of anything at all. I would describe it like a hypnosis- or trans-like state. The things that took all my focus was the music I was listening to and/or the screensaver pictures on my TV screen. So maybe that saved me, hindered me from starting to panic. I also knew I needed to keep calm so I continued to stay relaxed and breath calmly. I altered between painting and dancing softly to the music, whatever felt right to do at the moment to stay calm. I also took a selfie. I've removed the picture later when the file bank turned full but I remember that I looked a bit sad and like feeling: "What the hell is this".
A friend who knew my plans to try LSD this day had said I could call her during the experience of needed. But I felt too high to be able to socialize. High in an aphatetic and inward way. I didn't want to show my anxiety/vulnerability either.
So to summerize it overall was a quite sad and anxious experience. It reminds me of a recurring nightmare I've had since childhood where I'm stuck in an absent feeling very similar to this but without reason and therefore also without knowing how to get out of it, a state where I'm not really alive but still not really dead, just stuck in this eternal loneliness. Luckily the absent bubble-like feeling on LSD was short-lasting. But then I did something that in retrospect was a big mistake- I took some MDMA. The trip was for therapeutic purpose and I've had therapeutic experiences from MDMA and 25 ug LSD (separated) before this. So I thought that LSD+MDMA with a bigger dose of LSD could be the best of both worlds therapeutically. I've also only heard good stories about candyflipping (expect from antidrug propaganda that therefore can be misleading) and thought that adding MDMA would turn my experience good. And it also did- at first. But as soon as the MDMA started to wear off two hours later I was thrown back into anxiety, worse than when I was stuck in the dreamlike bubble on the LSD peak.
The following weak I was like a mental wreck, not functional. It felt like a mix of a MDMA comedown when you've taken too much MDMA and PTSD symtoms from the LSD peak experience. It lead to a visit to the psychiatric hospital cause I felt that I was in acute need of some med to be able to sleep before the sleeplessness should lead to a serious crash. In worst case- psychosis. It's not the first time in life I've struggled with anxiety- maybe I have some traumas from loneliness. I wanted to take drugs therapeutically for a reason- but I've never had to visit a psychiatric hospital before in life. So this is one of the worst experiences that I've had in life. Five months later I'm still not fully recovered. I'm totally functional, can sleep again like before the experience and I feel good often. But I also often feel vulnerable, like I have a mild underlying anxiety and/or sadness. I've been there before doing those drugs too but the drugs gave me a setback there so to say. I always been sensitive to drugs but now I even more sensitive. One or two glasses of wine is OK but getting a little drunk- you know when you start to feel blunted/foreclosed- can be tricky. It used to only make me feel relaxed but now it reminds me of the bubble of the LSD peak and can trigger anxiety.
I don't know If I ever will trip again. A little part of me is curious about trying it once more cause some aspects of my experience- even though it overall was disturbing- was interesting. If I'll consider it again I think that this could be a way to try it out once more:
*Being in a mental state and mood as good as possible. Maybe after therapy.
*Never ever again mix drugs.
*Dose a little higher than last time if that helps me let go easier.
*Having a trip sitter who are physically present. A person that I really like, trust and feel comfortable with who could notice if I get inward and at the same time look disturbed and then help me. Maybe asking "how are you" could be a trigger, I would rather suggest giving me light touch like holding my hand or distracting me.
*Not being alone in my apartment on a winter day like last time. Rather being outside on a beautiful summer day on a safe place, if being outside could help me not feeling as trapped as last time if I get " the bubble effect" again.
*Have some benso available just in case.
I post this because of two reasons: Because I simply feel a need to talk about my experience and also cause I'm curious about the opinions from people experienced by psychedelics on if I should trip again some day or not. I mean, tripping is not for everyone and does it sound like I could be one of those and that I therefore should be glad that I just did 50 ug? Or does it sound more like I've experienced the phenomena "bad trip"? I mean, an experience that could happen to every tripper so that it could be different next time.
A friend who knew my plans to try LSD this day had said I could call her during the experience of needed. But I felt too high to be able to socialize. High in an aphatetic and inward way. I didn't want to show my anxiety/vulnerability either.
So to summerize it overall was a quite sad and anxious experience. It reminds me of a recurring nightmare I've had since childhood where I'm stuck in an absent feeling very similar to this but without reason and therefore also without knowing how to get out of it, a state where I'm not really alive but still not really dead, just stuck in this eternal loneliness. Luckily the absent bubble-like feeling on LSD was short-lasting. But then I did something that in retrospect was a big mistake- I took some MDMA. The trip was for therapeutic purpose and I've had therapeutic experiences from MDMA and 25 ug LSD (separated) before this. So I thought that LSD+MDMA with a bigger dose of LSD could be the best of both worlds therapeutically. I've also only heard good stories about candyflipping (expect from antidrug propaganda that therefore can be misleading) and thought that adding MDMA would turn my experience good. And it also did- at first. But as soon as the MDMA started to wear off two hours later I was thrown back into anxiety, worse than when I was stuck in the dreamlike bubble on the LSD peak.
The following weak I was like a mental wreck, not functional. It felt like a mix of a MDMA comedown when you've taken too much MDMA and PTSD symtoms from the LSD peak experience. It lead to a visit to the psychiatric hospital cause I felt that I was in acute need of some med to be able to sleep before the sleeplessness should lead to a serious crash. In worst case- psychosis. It's not the first time in life I've struggled with anxiety- maybe I have some traumas from loneliness. I wanted to take drugs therapeutically for a reason- but I've never had to visit a psychiatric hospital before in life. So this is one of the worst experiences that I've had in life. Five months later I'm still not fully recovered. I'm totally functional, can sleep again like before the experience and I feel good often. But I also often feel vulnerable, like I have a mild underlying anxiety and/or sadness. I've been there before doing those drugs too but the drugs gave me a setback there so to say. I always been sensitive to drugs but now I even more sensitive. One or two glasses of wine is OK but getting a little drunk- you know when you start to feel blunted/foreclosed- can be tricky. It used to only make me feel relaxed but now it reminds me of the bubble of the LSD peak and can trigger anxiety.
I don't know If I ever will trip again. A little part of me is curious about trying it once more cause some aspects of my experience- even though it overall was disturbing- was interesting. If I'll consider it again I think that this could be a way to try it out once more:
*Being in a mental state and mood as good as possible. Maybe after therapy.
*Never ever again mix drugs.
*Dose a little higher than last time if that helps me let go easier.
*Having a trip sitter who are physically present. A person that I really like, trust and feel comfortable with who could notice if I get inward and at the same time look disturbed and then help me. Maybe asking "how are you" could be a trigger, I would rather suggest giving me light touch like holding my hand or distracting me.
*Not being alone in my apartment on a winter day like last time. Rather being outside on a beautiful summer day on a safe place, if being outside could help me not feeling as trapped as last time if I get " the bubble effect" again.
*Have some benso available just in case.
I post this because of two reasons: Because I simply feel a need to talk about my experience and also cause I'm curious about the opinions from people experienced by psychedelics on if I should trip again some day or not. I mean, tripping is not for everyone and does it sound like I could be one of those and that I therefore should be glad that I just did 50 ug? Or does it sound more like I've experienced the phenomena "bad trip"? I mean, an experience that could happen to every tripper so that it could be different next time.
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It could be that microdosing is the go to for me if to doing psychedelics. Definitely if I should have some psychedelics again soon and then get too excited to wait to try it.
