MAPS Dmt grief and depression

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BUDDHA3333

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Hi, I lost my 23yo Daughter to an accidental overdose 3 years ago. we were very close and the loss sent me into a Black hole so deep that I can't even articulate in words the depths of that Hell.

Over this time I slept,went to work and read stories about NDE's and related topics. I'm married but I pretty much ignored my wife and at times secretly blamed her for what happened. (She did nothing to cause this of course). I also thought maybe it was my sisters fault,after all my Daughter tried to call her a few weeks before her Accident to get some advice and my Sister was busy and did not return her call.

Here again it was my mind coming up with all this. I couldn't even enjoy music or a movie or anything for that matter. so I just slept. sometimes for 2 days straight on weekends. suicide started to sound very attractive and I figured I would see my Daughter and the light and all the warm and fuzzy's that I had read about.

So I made a few attempts, asphyxiation seemed to be the way to go. So I decided on the Belt in the Door method,but each time I would Chicken out and stop as I felt the Blood slow down to my brain and things getting dark.

I'm not a religious Person but one day I screamed at God and said "help me " "I'm lost and will give myself to you" .

A few days later while searching online about NDE stories I found an article about DMT. I decided to look into it. the more I read about it the more interested I got.

fast forward - I done the DMT and it woke me up like RIGHT NOW ! I'm now living in a World where I want to do things with my Wife,I enjoy Music and don't want to die and I have been sleeping normal hours. of course I miss my Daughter but have come to some resemblance of peace with what happened.

Its been about 2 weeks since and now I'm noticing a "slipping feeling" as if the Black Hole is trying to reclaim me. I have been Meditating and trying to stay positive and "present" for myself and my Wife.

I guess my question is if anybody else here has also used DMT for depression and Grief and is there anything to be gained by doing it again ? I have never been a drug user outside of MJ and feel guilty.

Also I must add that while on the DMT I was anxious and curious but not afraid. but now even thinking about doing it again scares the heck out of me. I'm not sure why this is. could be related to seeing entity's when I used it.

I just don't want to fall back into the Black Hole again. anybody else have these negative feelings for DMT after using it, even thought the experience itself was not so bad and in many ways very loving after the initial blast off.

any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,anonymous
 
Dear Anonymous,

I also lost a child to an overdose, though mine was a son and barely past his 20th birthday, but those details are irrelevant. I have lost people before and at 60 continue to lose people I love more and more but there is no comparable grief in my experience to losing a child. I can wholly imagine that DMT let you glimpse a world where death was literally the transition that it really is and yet we mortals cannot truly sustain that knowledge for long because it does not address the bone deep grief of missing. My best advice is that you give yourself time and space to grieve without worrying about getting trapped in the black hole. In my experience the black hole exists and denying it will only strengthen its power over you. Tell your wife that you want her to know that you support whatever way she needs to grieve and ask her for the same for yourself. At first I could not comprehend how this experience drove couples apart but I think over time I have come to see how difficult it is to struggle through such personal grief and still be present with someone who is also trying to do the same. You are thrown out of yourself, out of life as you knew it and in some cases you may land on completely different "planets". Again, my advice is to go slowly and with tenderness and a complete absence of judgment--both for yourself and your partner.

I'm sorry that I do not have any advice that relates directly to your question about DMT. Intuitively I can imagine how it could be a very positive experience but I think you need to be prepared that the reality of living with such a loss is a process and it is a long one. What I have found to be the most helpful is to honor my son's love for this world, though it caused him much pain, by loving it twice as hard myself. Please feel free to send me a private message me anytime. There are a few of us parents here--both fathers and mothers--and we support each other as much as we can.<3
 
grief depression

herbavore said:
Dear Anonymous,

I also lost a child to an overdose, though mine was a son and barely past his 20th birthday, but those details are irrelevant. I have lost people before and at 60 continue to lose people I love more and more but there is no comparable grief in my experience to losing a child. I can wholly imagine that DMT let you glimpse a world where death was literally the transition that it really is and yet we mortals cannot truly sustain that knowledge for long because it does not address the bone deep grief of missing. My best advice is that you give yourself time and space to grieve without worrying about getting trapped in the black hole. In my experience the black hole exists and denying it will only strengthen its power over you. Tell your wife that you want her to know that you support whatever way she needs to grieve and ask her for the same for yourself. At first I could not comprehend how this experience drove couples apart but I think over time I have come to see how difficult it is to struggle through such personal grief and still be present with someone who is also trying to do the same. You are thrown out of yourself, out of life as you knew it and in some cases you may land on completely different "planets". Again, my advice is to go slowly and with tenderness and a complete absence of judgment--both for yourself and your partner.

I'm sorry that I do not have any advice that relates directly to your question about DMT. Intuitively I can imagine how it could be a very positive experience but I think you need to be prepared that the reality of living with such a loss is a process and it is a long one. What I have found to be the most helpful is to honor my son's love for this world, though it caused him much pain, by loving it twice as hard myself. Please feel free to send me a private message me anytime. There are a few of us parents here--both fathers and mothers--and we support each other as much as we can.<3
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Thanks for your advice, so sorry that you also experienced the loss of a child. I do understand that my grief and missing my Daughter will never end as long as I'm alive. that being said, I do now believe that my life does not have to be bad. as bad as it is to lose my Daughter,I was making it even worse. at this point I'm just trying to live in the moment and take life one day or at times one second at a time.

I still have not used DMT again,but still feeling a reasonable sense of peace. I have also added meditation and mindfullness to my daily life. and like you said an absence of judgement.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your advice and will work hard to apply it.
 
wow this is powerful! im delighted to hear that dmt has helped you find light in such a dark time, ive seen dmt work miracles with recovery from addiction but this is much deeper. you have my prayers i will meet you in hyperspace and well venture to our ancestors and have a nice chat ;)
 
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