Drunk Jenny and sober Jenny seem to be getting on a bit better.
Drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine which would normally have me totally ratted and I'm feeling more mellow than anything. Pat was meant to text me about going out but I think he's gone out with the younger ones from work. Even though he and I are just friends but he would have pissed drunk Jenny off a few months ago by not bothering to get in touch. Now I'm not really feeling fussed. It would just be another night out in Gala that I can't really afford. He tends to sit with me all the time if there's a night out and it's better he has this adventure on his own and meets a nice girl. I'm there to guide him, I just worry about him because he's precociously clever in some ways but a bit naive in others. He'll be fine I'm sure. I like being friends with him. He understands how I work. I think if he finds himself a girl it will help him grow up a bit more.
I haven't got maudlin either. Normally I would get totally maudlin by now. I feel pretty fine. Apart from the fact I ate potato. I'm going to feel rotten tomorrow :-/
Although... I can see that the sad songs have started being played on Youtube. It's fine though. I've learnt to feel the sadness then move on from it... it's not quite as hard as I thought it would be... and it's not a bad thing... just a bloody confusing thing. One cool thing is people have started understanding how my moods work and they know just to ignore me. I'm learning to laugh at myself when I get like that too... which is really good.
Ahhhh god. I'm feeling sentimental now. Might just polish off the rest of this bottle of wine and then go to bed. I don't need to get up early for anything tomorrow, apart from to go and buy food. I can cope with a hangover while I do that.
How the mighty fall. I used to be able to drink a shitload. Now I like the feeling of being able to drink about a bottle of wine max and go to bed after. Even if I go out drinking I am always ready for my bed by the end of the night unless drugs are involved. I kind of like it. The social scene in this town is fucking rubbish. Apart from the odd gig at Reiver or unexpected rampage with Debbie or Colm I am ok with staying in.
Sometimes though... there's this emptiness inside me and I don't know how to make it better. I've tried drink and drugs. I've tried friends and love. Nothing seems to work. What is it I am missing? I don't get it. I don't mean to sound bigheaded but I know shitloads of people and there's so many people that want to spend time with me that I avoid spending time with. Why? I don't want to get too close to anyone. It's so weird. I don't know how to change. Do I need to change? Is it better to maintain this independence?
There was a time when I was younger that I couldn't even walk into a shop on my own. I was terrified of life. Now I'm doing everything on my own, trying to take care of my own shit... and I still can't figure out what's missing from my life. I don't really miss sex. I miss drugs but I could get them if I wanted them and I'm not that fussy really. I miss socialising but I can't be bothered as most people I know are younger and I can't stand the pretentious bitchy scene around here.
This blog is the only place that I reveal what I'm really thinking. I've got a facebook account but it's all for show. I don't really give much away on there. It's more a way of keeping in touch with people without having to actually spend time with them and portraying the person I want them to see that I am because I just want to keep myself to myself.
I have music, and I have me. Then how, do I fill the emptiness inside that I feel... that catches me when I least expect it...
Drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine which would normally have me totally ratted and I'm feeling more mellow than anything. Pat was meant to text me about going out but I think he's gone out with the younger ones from work. Even though he and I are just friends but he would have pissed drunk Jenny off a few months ago by not bothering to get in touch. Now I'm not really feeling fussed. It would just be another night out in Gala that I can't really afford. He tends to sit with me all the time if there's a night out and it's better he has this adventure on his own and meets a nice girl. I'm there to guide him, I just worry about him because he's precociously clever in some ways but a bit naive in others. He'll be fine I'm sure. I like being friends with him. He understands how I work. I think if he finds himself a girl it will help him grow up a bit more.
I haven't got maudlin either. Normally I would get totally maudlin by now. I feel pretty fine. Apart from the fact I ate potato. I'm going to feel rotten tomorrow :-/
Although... I can see that the sad songs have started being played on Youtube. It's fine though. I've learnt to feel the sadness then move on from it... it's not quite as hard as I thought it would be... and it's not a bad thing... just a bloody confusing thing. One cool thing is people have started understanding how my moods work and they know just to ignore me. I'm learning to laugh at myself when I get like that too... which is really good.
Ahhhh god. I'm feeling sentimental now. Might just polish off the rest of this bottle of wine and then go to bed. I don't need to get up early for anything tomorrow, apart from to go and buy food. I can cope with a hangover while I do that.
How the mighty fall. I used to be able to drink a shitload. Now I like the feeling of being able to drink about a bottle of wine max and go to bed after. Even if I go out drinking I am always ready for my bed by the end of the night unless drugs are involved. I kind of like it. The social scene in this town is fucking rubbish. Apart from the odd gig at Reiver or unexpected rampage with Debbie or Colm I am ok with staying in.
Sometimes though... there's this emptiness inside me and I don't know how to make it better. I've tried drink and drugs. I've tried friends and love. Nothing seems to work. What is it I am missing? I don't get it. I don't mean to sound bigheaded but I know shitloads of people and there's so many people that want to spend time with me that I avoid spending time with. Why? I don't want to get too close to anyone. It's so weird. I don't know how to change. Do I need to change? Is it better to maintain this independence?
There was a time when I was younger that I couldn't even walk into a shop on my own. I was terrified of life. Now I'm doing everything on my own, trying to take care of my own shit... and I still can't figure out what's missing from my life. I don't really miss sex. I miss drugs but I could get them if I wanted them and I'm not that fussy really. I miss socialising but I can't be bothered as most people I know are younger and I can't stand the pretentious bitchy scene around here.
This blog is the only place that I reveal what I'm really thinking. I've got a facebook account but it's all for show. I don't really give much away on there. It's more a way of keeping in touch with people without having to actually spend time with them and portraying the person I want them to see that I am because I just want to keep myself to myself.
I have music, and I have me. Then how, do I fill the emptiness inside that I feel... that catches me when I least expect it...