Distracted

[Amanita Mary]

this voice - - -
is one I haven't heard before
but am
very familiar with
the tweeker's talk
chaps away
on my shiny flat cell phone
i fiend
watery; glistening
with the drug speak
dope awareness
and an ever so
shallow whisper
to
"keep it on the down-low"
all rubs off - - -
so gritty;
Dry, Fish-scale thoughts
Flake onto me
and I shed
the same Colors
Kinds of ideas
what to get-
how to get it
like politics
it is a circle - - - I am
momentarily swimming in
DISTRACTED
from eastbound traffic



Criticism greatly appreciated!

 

[breakyaself]

I really liked disjointedness of this, as well as the use of certain words.

Very cool piece

 

[(Wordy)]

Yeah, I like the disjointed style too.

Not sure what to offer as criticism, to be honest. I'm guessing this poem pretty much achieves what you set out to achieve... although maybe you could fill us in on that a little bit? Are there any parts you feel aren't working so well, etc?

 

[knight_marshall]

ahh the sweet irony... i really like this piece.
as the above have pointed out the disjointed works well. it creates the effect of thoughts sparkings in your head, almost overflowing each other, filling the eyes with stars. i can't find anything to criticise either, sorry

 

[Amanita Mary]

i worked for a couple of days piecing this together correctly, but wasn't sure if it quite exuded everything i wanted it too. i was hoping to accentuate the way it sounded in my head... and judging from your posts, i got it across! thanks