Dissiociative abuse! please help me.

[Darknebula]

Ive gotten myself into quite a mess in my head.
Ive been into psychs for about 8years now, but the last few years its been more and more dissiociatives involved.

I havent gone completly overboard yet but im close.
I feel i have a very hard time letting more than a month go without looking for an escape into the warm holes of these drugs.

I did mxe about weekly for over a year when it was legal, after that its been mostly K whenever i can source it or whatever legal crap thats been aviable.

Now my K source dried up this summer so ive been doing 4meo-pcp for the last 2months and its slowly killing me.
I have a back injury that flares up whenever i abuse these drugs but i still cant stay away.

Its like when i take these things my whole life gets better and i just treat everyone around me better and can handle my emotions.
However since my back gets worse its just not worth it.
The worst part is that i just know better, i live a very healthy life outside of this abuse, i workout alot and eat clean and im into plant medicines like ayahuasca and kambo.

But its like i have this demon inside me that feeds of my pain and just gets me to take this shit that just ruins me.
I have all the ansvers how to stop but not the willpower or dicipline.

 

[hendobill]

Man addiction is rough on your soul. It seems like you know the answer but you want someone else to tell you, you need help brother. Whoever started you on those pills needs to help you find a place that will find a good way to get your meds in line. If he is not in business anymore go to a hospital and ask for help..

 

[Darknebula]

I guess im looking for help to keep my emotions stable while fighting the urge to hole out.

Ive stocked up on theanine and just started doing yoga again, hopefully i can get calm enough to get into daily meditation to keep myself from relapsing.
Somehow i think its related to that.

A dissiociative state is basicly forced meditation, i beleive my compulsive abuse is a stress reaction.
Also when my mind has been in a dissiociated state for a prolonged time it gives me a false sense of stillness.
This leads me to do more things than i am cabable of and then i need to dissiociate again to reset my stress levels.

I hope by cutting out everything i dont need to do and just live simlpe and meditate that i can find true piece of mind and rid myself of this addiction.

 

[hendobill]

Would you just look into getting some help with it though? You might find being around other people that are going through the same issues quite reassuring. It's hard doing that alone and really the only people that would appreciate how hard it is what you are doing is other addicts. Your hardcore dude I hope you get through this!! Keep me posted please..