Disordered

[New]

Suck that gut in!
You need to shave
Off tens of pounds
Before the summer
And afterward
Just keep it off!
Weight is absurd

The voice inside me tells me much
About what is good to have
A darkest demon of attrition
It calls my health a wealth
of greed
A vicious seed.

You look fine
Ignore the bone
The fat is what we're
Trying to rid!
That hip protrusion
Means you're on
The right track
To size removal

Pants falling off with the belt
A gaunt visage adorns my guise
I can't see when I stand up too fast
But I can now see all the lies

Lies or excuses
To look like shit?
I swear you'll never
get this right!
You're worthless
without
A perfect figure
Or something acceptable
To whom? I quit!

I'm done but I don't know how to stop
This eating thing is all I know
I'm living inside my personal blender
My life will be stolen by the enemy's show

All I can do is walk away
This disorder of mine is my private hell
Trying to fight it will just kill me
A new way of life is just as well

 

[ControlDenied]

I liked that,
a bit too angsty/personal (unless you like it that way of course its fine), but the switch between voices and the kind of ... relaxed, lack-a-daisical approach to personal psyche-analysis-woody-allen-style torment fits really nice together. i like your style of mixing short lines with long ones , i do that too. Also its to the point but genuinely introspective

pm me samael i have a proposition to discuss

 

[New]

Thanks. I appreciate your comment.

 

[leiphos]

I like the subtle use of rhythm and rhyme in this piece. I think that the second stanza is slightly vague in its presentation, but otherwise everything is falling into place quite nicely. The italicized stanzas provide an excellent tonal counterpoint to the non-italicized stanzas; the scheme seems to be: imperative construction vs. introverted musing. In the context of the poem, it works perfectly.

One other thing to note is that “my private hell” is very, very vague. I mentioned the pitfalls of vague phrases in my critique of one of your other recent poems, but I think in this case, the pseudo-abstraction is used adeptly; the reason I say this is because the rest of the poem qualifies the phrase with specifics. That is - in my understanding of poetry – the ideal way to introduce abstractions. I'm terrible at using them effectively, so this is enlightening to me.

Also, the repetition is working in terms of voice and sentence construction. It has a thought-out presentation with alternating voices. One other way to increase the differences in voice between the stanzas would be to reduce (or raise) the register of one or the other. By that, I mean one of the voices could employ a more heightened (or base) diction than the other, thereby further separating them tonally, and further dividing the presentation of the lone speaker. In this way, you would add an extra element to the speaker’s battle of consciousnesses, and perhaps create an inherent metaphor – which is not to say that this poem doesn’t already carry a wonderful metaphorical weight (it does!).

Also, I wonder if maybe the identify of the italicized text should be introduced later on. You identify it as “the voice inside me” very early on, but I feel like the significance of it, linguistically, is the tonal counter-point it provides. Once you inform the reader that the two voices are derived from the single speaker of the poem, the counterpoint is lost.

Really, it can work either way. What I’ve mentioned above are just suggestions based on my own understanding of poetry. You and I write very differently, and within the mode you’re operating in, this poem works very well as is. Thanks for sharing it, I enjoyed this one on many different levels.

 

[Mehm]

^^awesome feedback!

Sam: I like work that is direct and makes immediate sense. In this regard, very well written. Perhaps a technique to finding happiness is understanding the positive lesson that every experience and pattern in life brings. Thank you for sharing your heart