RepeatedIgnorance2c-74
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2024
- Messages
- 39
Hello all,
TL;DR-How did you get your interest and passions either back or up and running when recovering, how do you develop a new mindset after years of you can't do it just give up?(or if you had a fixed mindset that kept you or got you to use, how did you overcome that)
I hope everyone is doing well or as best as they can in their own personal journeys. I come here with an often asked question but am still asking as I wanted to push myself even a little to look at things in a different light.
That being said, after living a long life of self sabotage, then becoming an addict, failure is nothing new to me and I expect it, yet after destroying more opportunities (due to a fear of success) and watching myself carelessly drop off life constantly without a second thought, a thought of maybe I can do this differently occurs.
That is what brought me here, I see others with passions and interests in life and see so many leading a life with so many different skills, talents and hobbies, I tell myself using of course is what limits me and causes me not to care or even develop myself beyond that. Yet it's more than that, it's a socioeconomic (wrong word sorry) mentality of self-hate ("being a poor minority means you can't succeed, not to expect much in life and should not try"). Along with very low confidence/inability that spread into a safety net of avoiding growth or success out of fear. Failure is normal or expected of those like me.
So we tell ourselves getting clean means that we can rebuild and live a full life with the very little time we have left (almost 40 so most of my living years are gone). Yet if even before I was using I didn't have that same interest or passion into many things, and with how long it will take my brain to heal, i have to ask myself will I be able to spring forth/up like others or will my passions, interest or anything of the like be the same, yet now weakened after the amount of extra destruction I've caused myself.
Like, I know it takes time, but when I look at myself I always have seen an unnecessary empty space that knows it doesn't have any value and therefore creates a self-fulfilling prophecy emphasizing this. Even as I am aware of it only now, how do I transform a mind that has allowed itself from a very young age to accept what label/expectation society has given it, and then therefore limit its own ability in living and adapting. I have always expected to die from use, and to not live as this self sabotaging garbage heap of that still exist. The part that bothers me a lot is that most people when they are told they won't be anything or where they are expected to go, they fight against it or adapt their own way, yet I like an obedient slave, accepted it and created it as my identity. Heck, using was something I didn't even question, as that's expected of failures. I wish that fentanyl would have killed me instead of making my already pathetic existence even more so. Sorry, I know I asked one question, then this went on into other things. So a TLDR will be placed.
I just know I have to develop my mindset to change what I think/learned as if I don't, I will remain in locked sabotaging behavior whether that is using or some other unhealthy form. I apologize for wasting the time of anyone that is reading this, I think I just need to speak to more people in this struggle or who overcame it, as it's easy to see yourself as the worst person you know. Every single negative thought I have had or thought about myself has almost/has come true. I am a statistic, and it's sad that unlike others when I was told what/who I was going to be that IDK, that I wanted a purpose so much that i fulfilled that role, would death not have been better than to simply have/tell a child to grow into another waste of existence?
TL;DR-How did you get your interest and passions either back or up and running when recovering, how do you develop a new mindset after years of you can't do it just give up?(or if you had a fixed mindset that kept you or got you to use, how did you overcome that)
I hope everyone is doing well or as best as they can in their own personal journeys. I come here with an often asked question but am still asking as I wanted to push myself even a little to look at things in a different light.
That being said, after living a long life of self sabotage, then becoming an addict, failure is nothing new to me and I expect it, yet after destroying more opportunities (due to a fear of success) and watching myself carelessly drop off life constantly without a second thought, a thought of maybe I can do this differently occurs.
That is what brought me here, I see others with passions and interests in life and see so many leading a life with so many different skills, talents and hobbies, I tell myself using of course is what limits me and causes me not to care or even develop myself beyond that. Yet it's more than that, it's a socioeconomic (wrong word sorry) mentality of self-hate ("being a poor minority means you can't succeed, not to expect much in life and should not try"). Along with very low confidence/inability that spread into a safety net of avoiding growth or success out of fear. Failure is normal or expected of those like me.
So we tell ourselves getting clean means that we can rebuild and live a full life with the very little time we have left (almost 40 so most of my living years are gone). Yet if even before I was using I didn't have that same interest or passion into many things, and with how long it will take my brain to heal, i have to ask myself will I be able to spring forth/up like others or will my passions, interest or anything of the like be the same, yet now weakened after the amount of extra destruction I've caused myself.
Like, I know it takes time, but when I look at myself I always have seen an unnecessary empty space that knows it doesn't have any value and therefore creates a self-fulfilling prophecy emphasizing this. Even as I am aware of it only now, how do I transform a mind that has allowed itself from a very young age to accept what label/expectation society has given it, and then therefore limit its own ability in living and adapting. I have always expected to die from use, and to not live as this self sabotaging garbage heap of that still exist. The part that bothers me a lot is that most people when they are told they won't be anything or where they are expected to go, they fight against it or adapt their own way, yet I like an obedient slave, accepted it and created it as my identity. Heck, using was something I didn't even question, as that's expected of failures. I wish that fentanyl would have killed me instead of making my already pathetic existence even more so. Sorry, I know I asked one question, then this went on into other things. So a TLDR will be placed.
I just know I have to develop my mindset to change what I think/learned as if I don't, I will remain in locked sabotaging behavior whether that is using or some other unhealthy form. I apologize for wasting the time of anyone that is reading this, I think I just need to speak to more people in this struggle or who overcame it, as it's easy to see yourself as the worst person you know. Every single negative thought I have had or thought about myself has almost/has come true. I am a statistic, and it's sad that unlike others when I was told what/who I was going to be that IDK, that I wanted a purpose so much that i fulfilled that role, would death not have been better than to simply have/tell a child to grow into another waste of existence?
