Different person after drug abuse

[MrWragg]

Hello everyone, I have been lurking on bluelight every so often for advice and information ever since my first experience with drugs. I think it's time I post my experience and recieve stories/advice from you all, I think I need some reassurance that sometime in the future I will be ME again. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to reply!

I guess I'll begin by admitting it, I am dependent on drugs. The list is;
Marijuana (Smoked for 2 years near enough daily)
MDMA (Used for 3-4 months weekly in the past and at festivals)
Cocaine (Less than a G used weekly for 1 year)

A little background about me, I'm 18 and male. Before I tried ANY drugs I was a very happy character, always up for a good time and not anxious about anything. I have a physically demanding job but it is fulfilling work. I have a good family and more close friends than I could be bothered counting. A couple of months back I noticed a switch in my behaviour, I have since become constantly anxious but the odd thing is it is about my health almost at all times? I'm guessing my new born anxiety has caused 99% of the symptons. I have self disgnosed a lot of diseases from google such as Multiple Sclerosis, ALS, Herpes, HIV and more. I have convinced myself I'm going blind or that some horrible disease will come for me, like I have an impending sense of doom 90% of the time. Obviously the constant anxiety has left me drained and my mood swings have gotten out of control. I also seem to have lost the spark of life in me, I don't seem to be able to get excited about much anymore. I don't like myself as a person, where as I used to love myself... Too much infact as I was always told by girls I met or my friends that my ego is huge. I miss being me, I miss a life with hardly any worry and more happiness than I probably deserve now. The symptons seem to worsen when I stop using, I just need to know there's light at the end of the tunnel. I know my abuse isn't anywhere near as severe as some members of Bluelight but I do believe these drugs have affected me. Can I be happy with myself again? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Kind regards,
Mr Wragg

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Sounds to me like generalized anxiety disorder, exacerbated by the use of cannabis and stimulant drugs (both well-known for their anxiogenic effects in some users)

 

[MrWragg]

Is there a chance that the GAD will fade after a long period of time sober?

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Anxiety as a disorder of the mind is usually chronic & re-occurring.

It's possible to manage it effectively, though, both through coping strategies and prescription drugs.

 

[MrWragg]

Thank you for your replies, I don't have panic attacks so I'll give the prescription drugs a miss. I know they help people but drugs are the reason I'm in this mess.

I'll try excercise and supplemnts, I'm determined to become me again.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Yeah, good luck. I definitely identified with the health anxiety you described, as I've experienced that as well...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. For me it was like one long panic attack that lasted all day long.

 

[poloblue]

Mrwragg I hear you mang, used to have THE life couldn't have asked for a better one. Abused way too many drugs n been smoking everyday for 9-10 years still do...quit hard drugs at 20 as they didn't make me feel good anymore I'd use n still b depressed. ever since I've been searching for the me I used to know & love...sadly I only see the smallest fraction of myself & not nearly enough...2 yrs younger than when I quit tho n based on what u described I was hell of a lot worse w/ drugs. give yourself the best chance now bud n don't wait another 2yrs

 

[MrWragg]

Sorry to hear that brother, seems I'm not the only one who was interested in drugs for a good time only to realise my entire life was a good time without them. I've been reading up on reversing the affects and many people claim that it's possible to become the real you again! Sending luck your way, if we try we can get our minds back

 

[poloblue]

Thanks for the kind words mane, just try to look out for ppl now I see making some of same mistakes I did. Don't wish it on anyone, u know. loved drugs b4 I ever tried any , Researching n shit @ 13 lol Greatest period of my life was on drugs. Which I hate saying. Trying to change that. Life didn't suck b4 them but it seemed that way. life deff has sucked after but I was gonna die n was losing my mind. Tough for me to fathom many ppl loved them more (still do its just a love / hate thing now since I have to stay away n they destroy me). Hopefully I can b addiction counselor like I want to it's just the going back to school thing I'm hung up on atm. Was all party drugs / RC's n occasional opiates until college. Then was Doin H in college so going back has such a negative connection in my brain.

 

[Tinker55]

A thought-maybe some of the feelings that life sucks without drugs is based in not having to think/feel while doing them? Self medication is more than a handy phrase. Especially if a person starts very young-before understanding how complicated and taxing real life is. I don't mean that every childhood is wonderful-far from it! But it's certainly less complex.

 

[MrWragg]

Its not that life is bad my friend, its the inability to enjoy the things I did before and the constant worrying. My vision slips in and out of being blurry now instead of a constant haze I think im slowly winning, I'm still anxious but less so... Like I accept life for what it is. I get two weeks off work tomorrow, since I'm worse at work I hope these holidays'll I'll see a big improvement! Thanks for the reply though, I totally see how you came to that thought

 

[MrWragg]

I'm trying to do the same at the minute, I was the exact same! Reading up on MDMA before my first festival, that first bomb made me feel alive again... I guess we're paying the price for all the good times we had on drugs? Sounds like a rough few years, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Get back to who we were or die trying, refuse to be this shell of my former self any longer!

 

[Rastahund]

When I was abusing MDMA weekly, I had A LOT of anxiety problems... I didn't feel myself, I was fearful, I was terrified of life... Now this year, since 2015 started, I have only rolled 4 times. I have done many festivals sober because I feel so much better when I roll less. While I was rolling a lot, I could NOT smoke weed... it gave me awful anxiety and made me think there was something terribly wrong with me. Now, although weed isn't exactly my favorite drug, I do enjoy smoking it with my friends at the end of the day.
Coke used to give me anxiety when I was rolling a lot too... Eventually, I stopped even trying to use it. I've tried it once since I quit rolling so much. I didn't get any anxiety but it wasn't really worth trying again so I don't really know how coke effects me anymore.
Regardless, I bet the root of your problem is MDMA abuse.
My MDMA abuse subsided when I started abusing ketamine... which has gotten me into a whole other mess of trouble so I hope you don't try to substitute your current drug use with a new drug!

 

[herbavore]

MrWragg, I hope your two weeks off is restful and that you might use the time to investigate some non-medication interventions for anxiety like CBT (usually done with a therapist but there are also online resources) and mindfulness, meditation and even just conscious breathing when you feel your mind spinning off into paranoia. Anxiety has many causes but one thing I know about it from my own experience is that we end up feeding it rather than starving it. Learning practical ways to step outside your own thoughts and to observe them without judgment, but with curiosity and a sense of exploration can make a world of difference.

Another thought: reading your post I thought how it is more common than you may know to go through some very intense transitions around 17-21 and they have nothing to do with drugs at all. I'm sure that some of what you are going through may have been exacerbated by drugs but try not to see it all as damage; rather, look at it as your transition into adulthood. So much is changing still from hormones to the roles you play with friends and family. It is normal to be unsettled and a bit lost but its temporary. The fixation on physical illness is worrying but I think the things I talked about in the first paragraph could tackle that over time and with practice. There is no magic bullet for anxiety but with understanding and diligence your mental traps can be unlearned.