Today was supposed to be my 'quit day' for cigarettes. I was doing well and I had it planned out:
I slept for about 10 hours last night and lasted 6 hours before I rationalized having a smoke.
It fuckin' pisses me off being so weak. Once I caved in I started having all kinds of negative thoughts (cutting myself, burning myself and even fucking grabbing a few beers).
This cigarette thing reminded me so much of quitting drugs/alcohol. Obsession, compulsion, justification/rationalization, thoughts of 'I'll quit tomorrow', emotions (especially self-hatred), boredom, impatience, hostility and resentment. There were probably more aspects but thats what comes to mind right now.
I smoked a cigarette 'just because'. That scares me because I was telling my sponsor recently that if I got high it would be for no other reason than 'just because'.
I hate being a pussy. Fuckin' HATE it!
I start a new job on Monday and I won't be able to satisfy my nicotine needs sitting at that desk. I can't be irritable and impatient with customers and I can't be taking extra breaks.
Will I try again tomorrow? I don't know. I can't torture myself with those thoughts of negativity induced by failure.
I just gotta fuckin' stop. Cold turkey. Just like when I quit drugs.
I had a list in my head of the benefits of quitting. I ignored that fucking list as the cravings got stronger.
We'll see what tomorrow brings
- hide ashtrays
- sneakers by the bed for morning jog
- OTC sleep aids on nightstand
- be mindful of rationalizing 'just one'
- keep focus that it will be 3 days of temporary misery
- do push-ups when I obsess hard
- drink lots of water
- sleep as much as I can
- avoid people
I slept for about 10 hours last night and lasted 6 hours before I rationalized having a smoke.
It fuckin' pisses me off being so weak. Once I caved in I started having all kinds of negative thoughts (cutting myself, burning myself and even fucking grabbing a few beers).
This cigarette thing reminded me so much of quitting drugs/alcohol. Obsession, compulsion, justification/rationalization, thoughts of 'I'll quit tomorrow', emotions (especially self-hatred), boredom, impatience, hostility and resentment. There were probably more aspects but thats what comes to mind right now.
I smoked a cigarette 'just because'. That scares me because I was telling my sponsor recently that if I got high it would be for no other reason than 'just because'.
I hate being a pussy. Fuckin' HATE it!
I start a new job on Monday and I won't be able to satisfy my nicotine needs sitting at that desk. I can't be irritable and impatient with customers and I can't be taking extra breaks.
Will I try again tomorrow? I don't know. I can't torture myself with those thoughts of negativity induced by failure.
I just gotta fuckin' stop. Cold turkey. Just like when I quit drugs.
I had a list in my head of the benefits of quitting. I ignored that fucking list as the cravings got stronger.
We'll see what tomorrow brings
