TDS Did you really believe you'd be saved?

[adder]

I've figured they keep lying all the time in the films. There's always a dirty junkie-alcoholic who doesn't keep a track of events at all knowing he just needs to score and/or drink, a cigarette is also an attribute of such a guy. He's hardly standing on his feet and when he's about to fall, I mean die, there's always that most beautiful yet the cutest woman in the world coming along his way, she knows right away from looking at him he's a good guy and handsome, although his beard is disgustingly covering half of his face. She helps him, then he relapses like 10 times, and eventually he turns out to be a really decent guy caring for family etc., as if his carelessness was really the reason why he started taking drugs in the first place... Or it might be a female junkie and prince charming.

As a matter of fact when I was about to fall, I got one of my addictions legal, I started feeling all right physically only to... get 2 more psychological addictions other than opioids and benzodiazepines. I hardly ever get asked by someone to do anything (other than driving my mum for shopping), so smoking doesn't bother my lifestyle at all and because it kills obsessive thoughts I keep doing it. And when something miraculous happens and there are some people I may go somewhere with, I use stimulants, so I don't look frightened from the amount of thoughts I always have at the same time. I could do both without smoking and stimulants, sure, but I'd then constantly switch between extreme frustration and sleep from exhaustion. This seems even worse than my physical addiction to Suboxone and benzodiazepines, because I use them now actually to avoid restless legs, trembling, headaches, and general physical discomfort, they became part of my diet, I don't feel them psychologically, no "buzz" in my head. And without smoking and stimulants I actually can't make myself live. I've started to think that it would have been much better to keep taking morphine because I wouldn't have completely ruin my life. Maybe I just needed it, I really like being around people, I'm a good listener, various people have told me they wish they could understand the others so well. So how in the heck have I ended up completely alone? Now I even hardly eat, even the stomach pain can't make me eat, either stay up for two days or sleep for 12 hrs (which is a lot to me!).

So where is that beautiful angel to show up on my way to save me? I hit the bottom and I didn't rebound. I know it's my fault after all although there were things that shaped my life and I couldn't do anything about, so I really want to know what I am doing wrong. Because recognizing opioid and BZD use as a problem didn't help at all, in fact it made things worse. At times I'm 100% certain that I have never needed to get off anything and the truth is it's the system that planted a small destructive seed inside me, so I tell myself how I need to fit the society. Maybe I'm starting to act paranoid, but definitely not because of opioids. So am I allowed to blame the system for wanting me to quit, although I didn't want to, and not taking care of it properly?

 

[FnX]

Some good questions. I have to say though, if you look closely at these films with dirty junkie-alcoholics that get miraculously saved by a beautiful and kind member of the opposite sex, you will realize that not every junkie in those film gets saved like the main 'hero' does. And talking about systems, it is my experience that in this world it is impossible for everyone to be a 'winner' because for some, victory always means somebody else loses. As for blame, in my opinion you can blame anything and everything but please ask yourself where does that lead, something fruitful or just more misery all around? Some words are inside apostrophes to emphasize their subjectivity.

 

[T. Calderone]

No I don't buy into the notion of someone coming to the rescue to save me from the depths of despair. Everyone loves to see the underdog rise up with the help of a loving caregiver. Hollywood films are just that, fantasy. Though I'm sure it happens, I don't know anybody who's had this experience. I'm still waiting like Snow White for my prince to show up.

One thing I'm not clear on is which drugs you're still using- just speed? Were you able to quit benzos and opiates? I enjoyed reading this by the way.

 

[neversickanymore]

The beautiful angel is there to save you.. just look in the mirror

 

[adder]

One thing I'm not clear on is which drugs you're still using- just speed? Were you able to quit benzos and opiates? I enjoyed reading this by the way.

You're most welcome, I've really put my heart into that, I'm happy it shows somehow.

I meant that I take Suboxone and GABAergics only to avoid physical discomfort (so, yes, I take them). My doctor stopped prescribing me clonazepam and thought that would work just like that? I spent over 1 week at home and couldn't go out until I got 10mg clorazepate from my mum, then I went out and got phenobarb. I don't care any more if it's clonazepam, clorazepate, estazolam, phenobarbital, or any other GABAergic I would come across. Sometimes I'm lying in my bed and something's "wrong", I start thinking, then bang - "I haven't taken Suboxone today...". At times I don't even care how much I take, I was on 8mg originally, it's hard to cut them in more than 2 pieces and I can go on ~1mg for more than one day no problem, so sometimes I just pick small pieces of the pill with my finger when it completely fell apart. Lately it's started making me pissed off as I can't feel anything from it and yet I'm dependent on it. So why not shoot up morphine? Suboxone actually does the job and the urge goes away faster than the blocking effects, but one day I will stop caring about taking one little crumb of a pill, and as I wrote, after years of trying to quit (substituting with methadone on my own only to relapse and then again substitute... eventually I got on Suboxone, and it continues), I realized I had never wanted to quit, I just hadn't wanted to shoot up heroin, that period of my life was really crazy, I had to take a bus to get it 170km from my home city at that time, because my morphine source died and there was nothing else in my city. It never got so crazy with morphine as it quickly did with heroin...

I can either take speed and/or cannabis or not and not care. So why not smoke if I'm sitting at home and I know nothing will happen anyway? Or why not snort a line when something suddenly happens and I'd be otherwise too drowsy to act etc. Mostly it's actually the other way around - I snort a line, then go out freaking out desperately looking for anything to happen. I'm just tired with such life. 8( Not a single person I could call and meet for a plain talk. I've been planning to go abroad for some time now, but I realized I would never go, because I simply won't ask for the money my cousin owes me and probably doesn't even remember about it. Why care? She's in England, why would she remember I'm here in Poland? I must be doing well, because I was always intelligent and doing well at school, so... And this is an example of a moment smoking is all right, because it literally won't change a thing. I don't really do that much speed, occassionally I would binge for a few days but never completely skipping a night. It's more out of boredom and substitution for lack of opioids than really loving it.

The beautiful angel is there to save you.. just look in the mirror

Nah, that beautiful angel would never have stopped believing in me if it existed.

Blaming something knowing it's pointless is like realizing there's no God. I just realized there's no God, I'm alone for real, there's no deeper sense in life. And it feels worse than depression, because I know that if I had a life like an average person does, I would be happy only because I wouldn't even care if there is any sense in life.

---

People are afraid of me, I figured. People's worst fears are connected with their mental part of humanity. I may be thin, but I've always hidden my sadness and problems, I think people fear that I will reply in a way that will make them feel embarrassed. I guess there's anger instead of sadness in my face. A few days ago in the evening I got out of my car frustrated the day was ending and nothing had happened, I went past a bunch of drunk guys, one of them said "hi", so I replied to him (at times in the past some people from my housing estate did the same, I'm a kind person (sadly it doesn't show at all at first glance) and I don't like being impolite, so I always reply to people if they greet me or if they ask me something (unless it's some stupid sarcasm). Then I misheard him offending me and I replied with sarcasm myself. Those guys often gather there, so almost always when I go to my car / go back from my car, I go past them. My cousin knows all of them, I know my cousin, so it's a bit awkward.

Sometimes I want to come up to a girl in the supermarket, our eyes meet once, twice, I can see both excitement and fear painted on her face (or whatever it is, weepy eyes, blush, body language, I just know). I feel I'm in a much better position in the situation and I do nothing. I guess it's because I'm too frightening looking to be accosted. I don't know what to do about it. Years ago I actually wanted to be like this, cover all emotions to have control. It turns out it's no control if people eventually ignore me.