prayersfor.rain
Bluelighter
Here's a little background:
I'm bipolar. I have anxiety. I take a low dose of xanax 2-3 days a week, as needed. Risperdal & Wellbutrin daily. I smoke pot daily. I drink daily, generally a glass of wine (or more if I'm not working the next day). I try not to take xanax and drink really close together because I black out.
So, for a while now I've been having this issue where I can't remember if I did something in real life or if I just dreamed it.
I googled some stuff and found a lot of "depersonalization disorder". Like people posting this stuff in forums and other people answer that it's dpd.
Well, I HAVE experienced that before. Depressed, manic, there have been times where I just feel like I'm watching myself, I'm going through the motions but not really there, and partly due to paranoia (I think) "is this really happening or is this all a dream?" I do also think sometimes that my life's like the truman show movie but I'm not sure if that means anything other than paranoia. 8)
I don't think that matches what I'm talking about right now. The people on the forums I find are talking about how sometimes they keep waiting to wake up to find that they're already awake. Or them thinking that they're awake in their dreams. And they generally don't like the feeling of being depersonalized.
My problem is, when I'm dreaming like this I don't know that I'm dreaming, but who cares, because I only remember maybe 30 dream seconds of it (as opposed to the actual time it takes to dream 30 seconds). Snatches of it here and there. My longer dreams I KNOW are really dreams because they're ridiculous. Also, I have dreams that deal with issues I'm actually dealing with irl, it's like, I had a conversation with you today and in my dream I continued that conversation.
But my memory and time perception are not that great so I don't remember if I really did continue the convo or not, or even when I did it/thought about doing it originally. Don't ask me to tell you what I said 30 seconds ago. No clue. Today is yesterday is tomorrow, it's all the same and I don't focus on when I did it. I just keep doing what I'm doing at the moment and move on to the next task when I'm done and it's all good.
Ok here's the big issue. The other night the boyfriend
and I went to bed, had sex and...usually by that time I'm completely out of it and I pass out.
I remember being exhausted and he said......
I LOVE YOU. (holy fucking shit, right??)
and I was like,
I LOVE YOU TOO and then I woke up the next morning.
But I don't know if this happened while I was awake, or if I dreamed it. If I was awake, I passed out right after. And if it was a dream, well, that's the only part of the dream I can even remember at all, so if that dream ended, that's kinda like "passing out" except not really because I'm asleep anyway.
I really want to know if we really said this to each other cuz that's some big deal shit right there. I'm not asking him. Hell no I'm not asking him, because if he hadn't said that and I brought it up, what if he freaks out, you know? I like where we are and how we are but we haven't even discussed being boyfriend/girlfriend. Everyone just calls us that (to our faces) and we're cool with that. We've been seeing each other for about 5 months, pretty seriously.
Anyway
Here's another example. I'll be at work thinking of...calling my doctor back (or something) when I get off. Generally, after I think this, I forget about it. Later, I dream about how I called my doctor back. During the day when I think back on my after work/night from the day before, I think "Oh, I've called my doctor". The more I think about it, the more I'm not sure. Sometimes I find that I did call, and sometimes I didn't.
Or I'll be thinking of doing something later, I dream about doing it, and I wake up thinking "Oh, I totally bought more pot yesterday" just to find later that day that I'm down to shake.
Of course I have tons of times where I plan to do things and then ACTUALLY do it.
I've had all these conversations with people and I'm not really sure if I really did.
I'm always so relieved when someone brings up something I thought I dreamed. It's like, oh good, I really DID do that. I was meaning to do that!
What do you think? Should I get a therapist? Is this a case of depersonalization disorder? Am I losing my mind? I have a psychiatrist but I'm afraid I'll be put on more meds.
I feel pretty darned connected to almost everything I do. I try to do everything consciously and have a good time while doing it. Except for these maybe-dreams. I'm not sure about them.
It doesn't really bother me much, I would just like to stop wondering whether or not I really did stuff? Oh, this doesn't happen every day. Maybe once or twice a week at most.
Sorry this is long, thanks for reading
I'm bipolar. I have anxiety. I take a low dose of xanax 2-3 days a week, as needed. Risperdal & Wellbutrin daily. I smoke pot daily. I drink daily, generally a glass of wine (or more if I'm not working the next day). I try not to take xanax and drink really close together because I black out.
So, for a while now I've been having this issue where I can't remember if I did something in real life or if I just dreamed it.
I googled some stuff and found a lot of "depersonalization disorder". Like people posting this stuff in forums and other people answer that it's dpd.
Well, I HAVE experienced that before. Depressed, manic, there have been times where I just feel like I'm watching myself, I'm going through the motions but not really there, and partly due to paranoia (I think) "is this really happening or is this all a dream?" I do also think sometimes that my life's like the truman show movie but I'm not sure if that means anything other than paranoia. 8)
I don't think that matches what I'm talking about right now. The people on the forums I find are talking about how sometimes they keep waiting to wake up to find that they're already awake. Or them thinking that they're awake in their dreams. And they generally don't like the feeling of being depersonalized.
My problem is, when I'm dreaming like this I don't know that I'm dreaming, but who cares, because I only remember maybe 30 dream seconds of it (as opposed to the actual time it takes to dream 30 seconds). Snatches of it here and there. My longer dreams I KNOW are really dreams because they're ridiculous. Also, I have dreams that deal with issues I'm actually dealing with irl, it's like, I had a conversation with you today and in my dream I continued that conversation.
But my memory and time perception are not that great so I don't remember if I really did continue the convo or not, or even when I did it/thought about doing it originally. Don't ask me to tell you what I said 30 seconds ago. No clue. Today is yesterday is tomorrow, it's all the same and I don't focus on when I did it. I just keep doing what I'm doing at the moment and move on to the next task when I'm done and it's all good.
Ok here's the big issue. The other night the boyfriend
and I went to bed, had sex and...usually by that time I'm completely out of it and I pass out.I remember being exhausted and he said......
I LOVE YOU. (holy fucking shit, right??)
and I was like,
I LOVE YOU TOO and then I woke up the next morning.
But I don't know if this happened while I was awake, or if I dreamed it. If I was awake, I passed out right after. And if it was a dream, well, that's the only part of the dream I can even remember at all, so if that dream ended, that's kinda like "passing out" except not really because I'm asleep anyway.
I really want to know if we really said this to each other cuz that's some big deal shit right there. I'm not asking him. Hell no I'm not asking him, because if he hadn't said that and I brought it up, what if he freaks out, you know? I like where we are and how we are but we haven't even discussed being boyfriend/girlfriend. Everyone just calls us that (to our faces) and we're cool with that. We've been seeing each other for about 5 months, pretty seriously.
Anyway
Here's another example. I'll be at work thinking of...calling my doctor back (or something) when I get off. Generally, after I think this, I forget about it. Later, I dream about how I called my doctor back. During the day when I think back on my after work/night from the day before, I think "Oh, I've called my doctor". The more I think about it, the more I'm not sure. Sometimes I find that I did call, and sometimes I didn't.
Or I'll be thinking of doing something later, I dream about doing it, and I wake up thinking "Oh, I totally bought more pot yesterday" just to find later that day that I'm down to shake.
Of course I have tons of times where I plan to do things and then ACTUALLY do it.
I've had all these conversations with people and I'm not really sure if I really did.
I'm always so relieved when someone brings up something I thought I dreamed. It's like, oh good, I really DID do that. I was meaning to do that!
What do you think? Should I get a therapist? Is this a case of depersonalization disorder? Am I losing my mind? I have a psychiatrist but I'm afraid I'll be put on more meds.
I feel pretty darned connected to almost everything I do. I try to do everything consciously and have a good time while doing it. Except for these maybe-dreams. I'm not sure about them.
It doesn't really bother me much, I would just like to stop wondering whether or not I really did stuff? Oh, this doesn't happen every day. Maybe once or twice a week at most.
Sorry this is long, thanks for reading
