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Did I ruin my life?

V

Vendetta

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 30, 2011
Messages
14
I have been using opiates for about 6 months. For the past three I have been IVing.
I was never extremely addicted my withdraw was just abit of leg pain. I know there are many much worse then me but the mental aspect is killing me. My life is so dull, I have stuff to fill during week days from 8:00 - 3:00 but after three I get to my house and have nothing to do. I am so bored and depressed it is like torture. The bordom is the worst. Even now I decided to post this because I have literally nothing and even now somewhere in my head I am freaking out because I do not know what to do for the rest of the evening, it is 5:23 and I need to wait at-least 4 hours and a half hours before I can force myself to sleep.

I have an extremely low self image and was depressed (but it was still alot better) even before starting opiates. I am anti-social and to afraid to do anything new. I have no money either. I have considered suicide many times but can't bring myself to do it unless I can find an easy enough way. I am extremely pathetic and don't know what to do.

Though I was depressed my life was alot better before ever trying opiates, will what I feel last forever? Will I always just want more opiates? Will the boredom ever stop? All the hobbies, activities, and volunteer things I have tried still bore me to an extreme extent. I know some people reading this will think it is not that bad but its slowly killing me inside and I can't bear another minute of it.
 
Are you me ? Sure sounds like it . Yes you will always want more opiates. This is a battle you will fight your entire life. It can get easier if you work on it. You need to find something to do to occupy your time . Go to a 12 step meeting. You don't have to speak a word to anyone there. Go jogging. Go bike riding. Read books. Play video games. I know you probably don't feel like doing anything, but you are going to have to FORCE yourself to do something, or you WILL get sucked down the opiate drain . Trust me, I know. If you want someone to correspond with privately, feel free to PM me . I know exactly what you are going through .
 
I've never used opiates recreationally, let alone abused, so I don't know what fiending for opiates feels or how long it will last. But just getting some physical exercise can't hurt. If you feel so bad about just sitting inside and doing nothing, why don't you do something as simple as walking or biking around the block? It can't be more boring than staring at the clock, right?
 
First off, yes everything will get better. Nothing lasts forever and defiantly not the feelings you are experiencing right now. You think you are the only one with depression/anxiety/boredom? Think again, I struggled with that the last 3 years. It seems like hell but I can tell you that it does get better.

Opiates, although i do enjoy them a lot, make me numb to emotions and decrease my drive to do anything. Kicking your habit seems like a top priority imo. That is were alot of your struggles are coming from...is it going to be easy? NO. Will you feel better in a few days? NO. But it seems to me you want to make a difference by posting here.

There are so many things on this earth to be happy for. I never felt better than I do right now after getting on an AD and starting weightlifting every 2 days. It has done remarkable things for my self confidence and self image. I just want to let you know that you are NOT the only one feeling how you are right now. It DOES get better but it will take work. You have to want to change for yourself, not anyone else. I wish you luck my friend to a happy future ;) I know you got it in you to make a difference.
 
The longer you are away from them the better you'll get most likely. You might consider changing your surroundings. I did opioids for a short period of time and I quickly developed associations between feeling high and the activities I would do, food I would eat, etc. It's important to be aware of all that. You're going to have a harder time if you're surrounded by those types of associations and still trying to not use.

So many people have been where you are and have gotten through it. It just takes time.
 
simularities

I am similar in the sense that I run out of things to do, other than sit at home and play on the computer and after that I usually smoke some pot and sleep. I too have little amount of money.

Some things I try and do to get out of the habit of this is making myself take walks, go to the park and people watch while listening to music and maybe the occasional joint. I suppose it all depends where you live. I guess if you had some money simply go grab a beer and converse with people at the bar, but it might not be a good idea if you think that will become a destructive pattern. I don't use IV but take alot of opiates in phases, and yeah one thing that drives me nuts is not having anything to do. Tough deal. . But you are not the only one going threw it.
 
Vendetta, have you tried to tackle the underlying reason for the boredom and needing opiates? You mention depression.. have you ever got any help for this, or for your social phobia? I really think that is the key to this.. I really do understand how you feel, I have huge amounts of time and not much to fill them at the moment. Do you have anyone to talk to about this?

It is very difficult to get any enthusiasm for anything when you are depressed - I usually love reading and music and can fill my days with them quite happily but when I am depressed I can't get any motivation, and if I try, they do absolutely nothing for me.. so i can empathise with everything you have tried not working out. Without knowing what you have tried for your depression, it is hard to suggest anything, but I would definitely reccomend seeing someone - you haven't ruined your life at all, you have just got stuck and you need a bit of help to get yourself out. Depression makes it impossible to even conceive of feeling better and being happy - so I suspect you might not believe me - but as you have tried hobbies/volunteering etc, it is definitely worth trying this.

Do you get much exercise? Exercising (especially something outdoors like going for a run) is a great way to kill time while doing something healthy and positive, and it can make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Look after yourself and try to believe that things can get better for you <3
 
In my experience addicts tend to be obsessive so I believe this point helps us a bit. You can use this to your advantage by involving yourself in something that is positive (i.e. exercise, sports, learning). It might be hard to find the motivation at the beginning but over time you will begin to obsess over it and want to control/ritualize it just like your experiences of getting high. Going down this avenue can prove to be beneficial and even provide some unintended consequences. As at the beginning your motive is just to take your mind off drugs but as time goes by your self esteem will rise and your depression will ease. This will naturally lead you to engage the outside world more often.

Right now it sounds like you live a lonely existence but that is because of the vicious cycle you are locked in. No self worth, do drugs, kill pain, add guilt to low self worth, do more drugs... You have to take control because no one else will. Start doing things that will reinforce the self worth you have left rather than doing things that will only continue to destroy it. It sounds like drugs make up a large portion of who you are right now so just quitting them cold turkey will probably just lead to more depression.. You need something to fill the void left behind so basically have a plan ask yourself what really interests you. If nothing does currently look in your past and returning to something that did may help you find some peace. I am a big advocate of exercise/sports as a remedy but I realize it is not for everyone. You have to find something to be passionate about and pursue that over the drugs so there is no void to fill once you quit.
 
effie said:
Vendetta, have you tried to tackle the underlying reason for the boredom and needing opiates? You mention depression.. have you ever got any help for this, or for your social phobia? I really think that is the key to this.. I really do understand how you feel, I have huge amounts of time and not much to fill them at the moment. Do you have anyone to talk to about this?

It is very difficult to get any enthusiasm for anything when you are depressed - I usually love reading and music and can fill my days with them quite happily but when I am depressed I can't get any motivation, and if I try, they do absolutely nothing for me.. so i can empathise with everything you have tried not working out. Without knowing what you have tried for your depression, it is hard to suggest anything, but I would definitely reccomend seeing someone - you haven't ruined your life at all, you have just got stuck and you need a bit of help to get yourself out. Depression makes it impossible to even conceive of feeling better and being happy - so I suspect you might not believe me - but as you have tried hobbies/volunteering etc, it is definitely worth trying this.

Do you get much exercise? Exercising (especially something outdoors like going for a run) is a great way to kill time while doing something healthy and positive, and it can make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Look after yourself and try to believe that things can get better for you <3
Click to expand...

Hi, everyone was helpful but this quote struck me the most.
You (along with everyone else) really impacted me. I have had social phobia along with low self-esteem and depression since I was 13. I never told anyone or talked to anyone and most people think I am happy. Since Highschool and now in my weekend work and college I have friends and people I socialize with I just can't "take it to the next step" and do something outside of work/school even though most wouldn't think of me as socially awkward or depressed. I would also really like to get into a relationship but am much to scared of messing it up and running out of things to say and making a fool of myself. I do have one friend who comes over and she smokes weed with me and we watch movies on weekdays which surprisingly really helps the time go by. I can only see her when I have weed or I am too nervous. I am also scared of seeing a doctor because I want legitimate help but I don't want any medication like SSRI's.
You mentioned exercise and I have recently been going to the gym daily and doing 1 hour of cardio because when I am finished all my mental cravings stop but the boredom is still there.
 
You dont have to feel like that there is hope. I have been addicted to opoates for about 5 years but started Iv use in july of this year by august I was consumed by it, I got no other joy in life from anything but that. I got to the point I couldn't fathom a life without opiates but they brought me to such a deep dark place I thought suicide was my only wY out I contemplated giving myself a hot shot to end the pain and I'm just 21. Well as of september 1st I've been clean and life isn't perfect but I enjoy the littlest thigs again like walking my dog, music etc. I thought there was no other way but there is life beyond opiates and Iv drug use brings things to a whole other level. Try a NA meeting I tryed every way of getting clean without success but meetings are working for me I always thought they werw bullshit. If you truley feel the way that you do I cN promise you it will get worse not better but quit before itmconsumes you even more and I promise you it does get better.
 
Vendetta said:
Hi, everyone was helpful but this quote struck me the most.
You (along with everyone else) really impacted me. I have had social phobia along with low self-esteem and depression since I was 13. I never told anyone or talked to anyone and most people think I am happy. Since Highschool and now in my weekend work and college I have friends and people I socialize with I just can't "take it to the next step" and do something outside of work/school even though most wouldn't think of me as socially awkward or depressed. I would also really like to get into a relationship but am much to scared of messing it up and running out of things to say and making a fool of myself. I do have one friend who comes over and she smokes weed with me and we watch movies on weekdays which surprisingly really helps the time go by. I can only see her when I have weed or I am too nervous. I am also scared of seeing a doctor because I want legitimate help but I don't want any medication like SSRI's.
You mentioned exercise and I have recently been going to the gym daily and doing 1 hour of cardio because when I am finished all my mental cravings stop but the boredom is still there.
Click to expand...

You don't have to go on medication if you don't want to, there are other options - CBT, seeing a therapist or psychologist, counselling.. all of which could help address your social phobia and negative self-image as well. Would you consider something like that? Your depression is having such a negative impact on your live from what you say, and I really think that this could help you hugely..

I'm so glad to hear you have a friend who comes over :) that is something to build on - would you feel able to talk to her about how you are feeling? I understand you might not be ready yet, but when you are I think it could really help.

Glad to hear you exercising too :) even if it doesn't lift the boredom, it is so good for your body (and mind) and it's great that it reduces the cravings. How about going for walks outside too? Sunlight can really help as well..

Take a look at the depression megathread and the anxiety megathread - I'm not saying you can fix instantly things with a walk in the sunshine and seeing a counsellor, but making subtle changes to your lifestyle combined with some form of therapy (I'm a big fan of CBT but there are different types which suit different people) can really turn things around for you - believe me I know <3
 
Wow man, you're going to college, you're working, you have an opposite-sex friendship you can develop on...what seems to be the problem?

There's a lot of things going for you, I don't see how you're anywhere NEAR runing your life.

Besides your opiate usage (which is not that bad, considering how far others go), I would say your life is going pretty well...

Just remember, you were one in three million sperm that fertilized an egg. Chin up, things will be just fine.
 
@effie Thank you again :) I really appreciate it. But yes, I am semi-comfortable talking to her about things though no too in-depth.
Also thanks Louis CK very inspirational. You guys have cheered me up and though things are still shitty im going to look at it in a new light well ill try too.
 
This thread was made for me only i cant deal with the problem(s). Keep ya head up dude...hit me up if you wanna chat. I'm proper stuck at the mo and can't get up, whenever i do the doors get shut in my face. I don't have any true friends no more and cant/wont keep living like this. I'm not even getting loaded no more. Sorry if I hijacked your thread a bit..I will contribute something very usefull nut only if you can do it whilst juggling opiates cos i know half the time I just sleep! But get involved in a martial art or other hobby...I think martial arts are the best though because they force physhical/emotional bonds between everyone there and not in an awkward way as its a drill and your your pumped up with adrenaline. It will develop you in body,mind and spirit I suggest Aikido if you don't want to get to busted nose etc also it is a way of life which will be put into your everyday actions...the practice of avoidance of confrontation and dealing with it in a err effective way if they're not so understanding! I've done lots of contact martial arts but aikido was the best for my path in life, it did me wonders. Also feels good to just go mental at a heavybag once in a while though!

Your doing good dude, you seem to got a schedule going, keep that up. Tiny things each day like making your bed etc.
 
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