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diary entry 5684

LinZ-E

LinZ-E

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 24, 1999
Messages
1,916
Location
NE US
dear diary,
I don't know why I have days like this. I don't know why. I wake up in distress, though I don't know over what. I walk around worried. I can't focus on anything. I check my mail (it's habitual), but can't grasp onto any words that I am reading. I can't understand how the words are supposed to MEAN something. They are just letters randomly grouped together...not conveying any sort of emotion or statement, no attachment to anything. I can try to write back, try to be happy, use the cliche words and phrases to let everyone think I am alright. But I lose it. I start to cry, the crying gets harder. Hysteria. My hands are shaking and I can't grab onto anything. I'll try to write, my usual release...but I keep writing the same meaningless sentences over and over. They don't make sense to anyone but me anyway. I'm losing it again. I don't know why this happens. I don't know what sets all this off.
It's so sunny outside. So I'll close the blinds. I'll curl up on the bed or the floor in fetal position and yell. I Try yelling things between sobs. Saliva and snot running into my mouth while I yell obscenities and apologies at no one. My mother would be so proud.
I feel like I need something. But I have no idea what. And I feel that this 'something' is the only thing that can make me sane again. Make me feel 'normal', at least able to get dressed and leave the house.
The phone rings and rings, but I can't answer it. I can't let on to this chaos that is ensuing in my house right now. "oh god, what would they think?!" what if I start crying to whoever is on the other end...I probably would. Because I don't care who or what is on the other end.
I am yelling into a dialtone. Apologizing for those things I thought I did, or couldn't do.
I want to rip my chest open. Will that do it? Will that lift this heavy weight off of my heart? Screaming and tearing at the skin. If I could bleed, then at least I could feel something human again. If I rip my eyes out, then I could feel pain like other people. I don't have to deal with this extra-sensitive pain to everything I touch, hear, or see.
Writhing in some kind of torturous pain, I'll want to break things. I want to destroy something. I want to destroy something to know that i have done it. I want that control.
I wish I knew why this happened. Not all the time, some days I can go through normally, and actually be happy for people. Other days I can fake it. Then days like these I can't even comprehend what actual happiness is.
I am a knot of insecurities, "what ifs", apologies, lies, rumors, locked secrets, open doors. I know it will pass, it always does. That passing just can't get here quickly enough. Then i fear the next day it will come again.
 
this sounds too damn familiar

I would say try to talk to a therapist or something, but they only seem to make matters worse for me so whats the point.

god this feeling sucks. writing helps me out A LOT, probably saves my life when I get depressed like this. but like you said it doesnt ever make sense. it all seems meaningless...

whatever. life sucks and then you die, so FUCK IT lets all get high
 
I
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you.
 
This is something that i believe most people on bluelight probably relate to only too well. You do well to express it in such terms that others can relate to it, mostly these emotions are volatile and very connected to events that others can't possibly begin to comprehend.

Excellent expression. I like the piece. :)

I hope that you manage to sort your feelings out - it sucks to walk around in a haze of this emotional dischord. :\
 
I'm going to reply to this as this is what is going on now.. I don't know you really.. and sometimes people write feelings even that they don't feel.. what I mean is that I'm taking this journal as your real life that is what I believe...


Alittle while ago .. I did find myself in the same situation.. depression that damn lurking horrible friend that we all have sometime in any giving day in our lives.. and the worst part is that we not only shut everyone else out.. but we shut ourselves out too... there has been too many times that I've sit in my room empty pages of my journal, endless phone call that I never answered.. many times where I have cried myself to sleep.. and I just went on letting everyone believe that I was fine or too busy to be around.. and I actually could not be fake anymore.. only because thinking to myself that noone in this world really gave a shit if I went on living or breathing...

Well.. I could of been wrong; I could of been right.. but it doesn't matter if people really give a shit or not.. it's yourself that matters you need to love, and care for yourself.. and that is something that doesn't come to easy.

I started by exercising.. that is very hard because when you are down.. there really isn't too many ways to encourage yourself to get up and around.. I don't know if your really looking for advice or not.. but I wish you luck.. like you said yourself.. it takes time, it's just not fast enough..
 
thank you all for replying. In a strange way, it's nice to know that I am not the only one who may have these 'episodes'. See, it's just this empty confusion. I can't say I feel like I want to die at these times, because I feel so much, it's as if I can't truly FEEL anything. I don't really think I am looking for any advice, just wanted to write what I was feeling that morning...sometimes writing it, will postpone that actual actions that I am terrified of occurring.
And frosty, thanks for your words, I do exercise also, but on those days it's unbelievably hopeless to even attempt.
thank you.
((ange)), baby I miss you :)
 
My two cents

I get intense moods and apathy too, although usually not to the extent you write about when I'm clean. Have you thought about talking to an MD or Dr. of homeopathic medicine for this depression? Perhaps an antidepressant will help or perhaps not. Or if you want to go the natural route, try St. John's Wort or see a homeopath. I don't know you from Adam, so for all I know, it could be part of your problem is misfiring or lack of seratonic, dopemine, or the receptors of....ect. Worth a try. Almost anything is better than having to be in hell, especially if you don't have to.
 
hey baby love....

i know we are in & out, but you gotta know that i am here...
nothing gets easier, but things can gain clarity....

find something *other* to meditate on, something foreign from the stress & pain that you stumble into.

breath is allright, & when all you have to do is breathe & concentrate on your breath, everything is simpler, it doesn't *seem* simpler, it really is-

i promise- just try it out.....
it may feel silly but i have witnessed the ability to do this change lives....



i love you!
-shafie
 
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