syd
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2005
- Messages
- 273
Can you play that song again, the one from last night, she asks.
Sure.
I love this song. Fuck, I had never heard it before last night and now I love it.
You are not sure what to say to this. She is sitting on your balcony. She is dressed in only her underwear and wrapped in your down throw from your couch. She is smoking and it is snowing and she has been crying.
Last night was….
You slowly nod your head, frightened by what she might say next. You slowly begin to realize this is how you have always imagined it. The way this feels right now is like everything you’ve always wanted.
I have to tell you something.
You can tell me anything you want you say.
She smiles weakly, almost as if she doesn’t believe you.
She takes a deep breath and sighs.
I love you she says. And not in some misguided drug induced infatuated way either, although I do love getting stoned with you. And it’s not some stupid school girl crush that I’ll just get over and move on, although I’m sure that’s what you are thinking. And it’s not because you are unattainable either. I knew I was in trouble when you played that song last night. You knew I wanted to hear it even though I didn’t. Until last night I thought I had been in love many times, but as we danced I realized I had no idea what love was.
You begin to speak, but she cuts you off.
You have to let me finish. I decided last night that I didn’t care what you thought, if you loved me back or not. I don’t care. If I am just some piece of ass on the side, then that’s fine, I’ll take it. We’ll get drunk and stoned and fuck and I’ll never tell anyone. Whatever you want or whatever you think of me I’ll be it. I’m sorry to lay all my fucking bullshit on you like this, but I couldn’t wait another day to tell you, no matter what the outcome.
She has started to cry again, and her tears and the smoke from her breath and cigarette make her beyond beautiful, you can’t even look. She mistakes this for disappointment and begins to cry harder.
I’m sorry she mumbles through her tears. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I love you too
I know we were just supposed to have fun together, I know this isn’t what you wanted. I’ll be anything you want. I’ll do anything you want.
She continues talking, but it’s muffled by hears tears and sobs. You go to her, and you put your arms around her, inside your down throw, around her waste. She is so warm. You can feel her tears on your cheeks and shoulders and you wish they would never dry. She sobs harder as you hold her.
Slowly you tell her, I don’t know how to say what I need to say. Everything I’ve ever wanted was just given to me.
Please don’t patronize me, you don’t have to, you don’t have to say anything, we don’t have to talk at all.
I want to tell you…
When she looks at you with all that hope in her eyes, it feels like failure to you. She wants you to say something beautiful, she needs to hear exactly what she just told you. You want her to feel the way you do, but you don’t know how. So you just tell her
I want you to feel what I feel right now. Saying I love you isn’t enough. I want you to hear what you just told me, the way you said it the way you meant it. You deserve to know that I feel the same way, I just don’t know how to say it.
You started to speak again but her mouth is on yours before you can. You move your hands around her warm body again. What she feels like right now is perfection. It takes everything you have, but you gently push her back.
I liked you as soon as we started talking. I liked that you didn’t ask me why I used a different last name for the reservations, like you already knew what it was like to want to be someone else. I liked that you didn’t mention policitics or religion or fashion or war, but instead we talked of love beauty and art and music. I liked that you started smoking without hesitation or concern for what myself or others would think. I too thought I had been in love with several woman, fuck I even married one, but when you lit that cigarette I too knew I was wrong. I want you to know that you are already everything I want. And I want you to know when I saw you light that cigarette, I knew I was done with my wife, my family, my kids and that I would devote everything I am and everything I will ever be to you, if you would have me.
The tears are welling up in her eyes again and she moves toward you. You let her hold you but continue talking.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I’m sorry you had to tell me first. I’m sorry I was such an awful coward. I just didn’t believe there was someone out there that would ever love me that way.
You kiss her again, her neck and mouth, as the down throw slides off her smooth shoulders she sighs white steam into the night air.
Whatever you want, whatever you want, she whispers into your ear. I’ll do it, I’ll be it.
Afterward she says, you don’t have to leave you wife or family. As long as I can see you I don’t care.
They hate me.
But don’t you love them?
There was a time you say, but I have this terrible feeling they would be better off without me.
Even your son?
I don’t want to talk about it, I’m sorry.
Don’t be, I understand, when you are ready.
What if we just started over? What if we just leave it all behind? All the hurt and pain that brought us here, what if we just never talked about it. Let the past be just that and forget it.
I like that idea
Me too
Sure.
I love this song. Fuck, I had never heard it before last night and now I love it.
You are not sure what to say to this. She is sitting on your balcony. She is dressed in only her underwear and wrapped in your down throw from your couch. She is smoking and it is snowing and she has been crying.
Last night was….
You slowly nod your head, frightened by what she might say next. You slowly begin to realize this is how you have always imagined it. The way this feels right now is like everything you’ve always wanted.
I have to tell you something.
You can tell me anything you want you say.
She smiles weakly, almost as if she doesn’t believe you.
She takes a deep breath and sighs.
I love you she says. And not in some misguided drug induced infatuated way either, although I do love getting stoned with you. And it’s not some stupid school girl crush that I’ll just get over and move on, although I’m sure that’s what you are thinking. And it’s not because you are unattainable either. I knew I was in trouble when you played that song last night. You knew I wanted to hear it even though I didn’t. Until last night I thought I had been in love many times, but as we danced I realized I had no idea what love was.
You begin to speak, but she cuts you off.
You have to let me finish. I decided last night that I didn’t care what you thought, if you loved me back or not. I don’t care. If I am just some piece of ass on the side, then that’s fine, I’ll take it. We’ll get drunk and stoned and fuck and I’ll never tell anyone. Whatever you want or whatever you think of me I’ll be it. I’m sorry to lay all my fucking bullshit on you like this, but I couldn’t wait another day to tell you, no matter what the outcome.
She has started to cry again, and her tears and the smoke from her breath and cigarette make her beyond beautiful, you can’t even look. She mistakes this for disappointment and begins to cry harder.
I’m sorry she mumbles through her tears. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I love you too
I know we were just supposed to have fun together, I know this isn’t what you wanted. I’ll be anything you want. I’ll do anything you want.
She continues talking, but it’s muffled by hears tears and sobs. You go to her, and you put your arms around her, inside your down throw, around her waste. She is so warm. You can feel her tears on your cheeks and shoulders and you wish they would never dry. She sobs harder as you hold her.
Slowly you tell her, I don’t know how to say what I need to say. Everything I’ve ever wanted was just given to me.
Please don’t patronize me, you don’t have to, you don’t have to say anything, we don’t have to talk at all.
I want to tell you…
When she looks at you with all that hope in her eyes, it feels like failure to you. She wants you to say something beautiful, she needs to hear exactly what she just told you. You want her to feel the way you do, but you don’t know how. So you just tell her
I want you to feel what I feel right now. Saying I love you isn’t enough. I want you to hear what you just told me, the way you said it the way you meant it. You deserve to know that I feel the same way, I just don’t know how to say it.
You started to speak again but her mouth is on yours before you can. You move your hands around her warm body again. What she feels like right now is perfection. It takes everything you have, but you gently push her back.
I liked you as soon as we started talking. I liked that you didn’t ask me why I used a different last name for the reservations, like you already knew what it was like to want to be someone else. I liked that you didn’t mention policitics or religion or fashion or war, but instead we talked of love beauty and art and music. I liked that you started smoking without hesitation or concern for what myself or others would think. I too thought I had been in love with several woman, fuck I even married one, but when you lit that cigarette I too knew I was wrong. I want you to know that you are already everything I want. And I want you to know when I saw you light that cigarette, I knew I was done with my wife, my family, my kids and that I would devote everything I am and everything I will ever be to you, if you would have me.
The tears are welling up in her eyes again and she moves toward you. You let her hold you but continue talking.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I’m sorry you had to tell me first. I’m sorry I was such an awful coward. I just didn’t believe there was someone out there that would ever love me that way.
You kiss her again, her neck and mouth, as the down throw slides off her smooth shoulders she sighs white steam into the night air.
Whatever you want, whatever you want, she whispers into your ear. I’ll do it, I’ll be it.
Afterward she says, you don’t have to leave you wife or family. As long as I can see you I don’t care.
They hate me.
But don’t you love them?
There was a time you say, but I have this terrible feeling they would be better off without me.
Even your son?
I don’t want to talk about it, I’m sorry.
Don’t be, I understand, when you are ready.
What if we just started over? What if we just leave it all behind? All the hurt and pain that brought us here, what if we just never talked about it. Let the past be just that and forget it.
I like that idea
Me too
