What a long strange trip it’s been.
I recognized having a mood disorder at an early age, a dose of sexual trauma and father abandonment issues, plus excessive use of MDA formulated a recipe for mental disaster. After binging 2 weeks on MDA my reality consisted of video game like gestures and actions to advance one’s status in life. Invisible signs became evident with each level of advancement achieved.
Internalized voices reminded me of my pain and low self esteem, the term queer echoed throughout my brain in an era that considered homosexuality a disease and inappropriate. The voices were put there to make me feel bad about myself to keep me humble.
I couldn’t make a simple decision without fear of something catastrophic happening if I chose wrongly. My fate depended on making the right decision at the right time or the consequences would be fatal.
This was my first experience with psychosis, I was so angry with my parents for making me attend church and forcing me to be like them. My dad was a southern Baptist preacher whose primary concern was his public image in church and community. As a father, family man and husband he was a failure. However, as a preacher and community leader he was unjustly adored by many.
I have successfully overcome psychotic breaks in my lifetime all related to substance abuse and or medication. Instead of being satisfied with the status quo the introduction of unknown pills and herbal supplements hijacked any attempts to attain mental health and wellbeing on my own. Therefore accountability for my actions would not be known until late in life as a middle-aged adult. This became evident after my third psychotic break and a committed stay in the hospital sanctioned by my wife.
Medications were introduced, reevaluated and disposed of. Found a good psychiatrist and therapist who helped me to love and appreciate myself. Started volunteering and became gainfully employed. Started community college part time while maintaining part time employment. Found myself on the Dean’s List and graduated with honors. Attended Bible college to dispel any hope of becoming a minister. Third semester transferred to SUNY University for bachelor’s degree in Human Service. Worked part time as a drug & alcohol counselor and mental health peer support specialist until retirement.
I live a full and meaningful life with my of 45 years and our 4 dogs and 3 cats. Currently living in an Rv now more than a year since a pickup truck crashed into our house. Life is unpredictable.
I recognized having a mood disorder at an early age, a dose of sexual trauma and father abandonment issues, plus excessive use of MDA formulated a recipe for mental disaster. After binging 2 weeks on MDA my reality consisted of video game like gestures and actions to advance one’s status in life. Invisible signs became evident with each level of advancement achieved.
Internalized voices reminded me of my pain and low self esteem, the term queer echoed throughout my brain in an era that considered homosexuality a disease and inappropriate. The voices were put there to make me feel bad about myself to keep me humble.
I couldn’t make a simple decision without fear of something catastrophic happening if I chose wrongly. My fate depended on making the right decision at the right time or the consequences would be fatal.
This was my first experience with psychosis, I was so angry with my parents for making me attend church and forcing me to be like them. My dad was a southern Baptist preacher whose primary concern was his public image in church and community. As a father, family man and husband he was a failure. However, as a preacher and community leader he was unjustly adored by many.
I have successfully overcome psychotic breaks in my lifetime all related to substance abuse and or medication. Instead of being satisfied with the status quo the introduction of unknown pills and herbal supplements hijacked any attempts to attain mental health and wellbeing on my own. Therefore accountability for my actions would not be known until late in life as a middle-aged adult. This became evident after my third psychotic break and a committed stay in the hospital sanctioned by my wife.
Medications were introduced, reevaluated and disposed of. Found a good psychiatrist and therapist who helped me to love and appreciate myself. Started volunteering and became gainfully employed. Started community college part time while maintaining part time employment. Found myself on the Dean’s List and graduated with honors. Attended Bible college to dispel any hope of becoming a minister. Third semester transferred to SUNY University for bachelor’s degree in Human Service. Worked part time as a drug & alcohol counselor and mental health peer support specialist until retirement.
I live a full and meaningful life with my of 45 years and our 4 dogs and 3 cats. Currently living in an Rv now more than a year since a pickup truck crashed into our house. Life is unpredictable.
