Hello everyone. First off, I apologize for the wall of text, I need to get my story out there. I am diagnosed bipolar type 1, and GAD, and have been prescribed xanax in the past. I have had a terrible run in with GABA drugs in the past, taking 25mg of alpraz in a day at one point. I have also detoxed off a severe tramadol habit in the past.
I have been taking opiates daily for the past year. When I started taking them, I was smoking 3-5 grams of hash per day, and had to quit due to onset of SEVERE psychotic symptoms making themselves apparant. Hearing voices, being paranoid the cops were coming, etc. This had never happened in years of daily weed smoking, and it upset me greatly that I had to leave my plant behind, as I'm convinced it was going to make schizophrenia emerge, due to new papers at the time showing that people with mental illness can exacerbate it with heavy weed use.
Anyway, I work a very long, physical, tedious job. I work in shipping and receiving, and I usually work a 3pm to 1 AM shift, mandatory overtime, and it takes me an hour to get to my job one way. So I dedicate a good chunk of my my day, at least 12 hours of it, to my job. Some days I've worked 15 hour shifts, and didn't think I had enough energy to safely drive home, so I slept in the parking lot, and went right back into work.
This is the first job I have ever had. I am a high school dropout who got his GED while in jail. I've had severe mentall illness and rage problems in the past, and I come from a suburban middle class household. I remember how proud my parents and family were when I finally got this job, as it pays very lucratively, and allowed me to move out of my parents finally. My girlfriend was overjoyed, and I just felt on top of the world. I lucked out, and realized for someone with a criminal record, and only his GED I was very very lucky.
After 6 months at this job, I began feeling very worn down, and not feeling like I could do it for much longer. I remember a co-worker had perc 10's, and offered me one, on a particularly bad night, saying it would alleviate all pain, both physical and mental that I was suffering. I ended up feeling on top of the world for about 10 hours. Everything had a warm glow to it, I felt stimulated but not jittery I worked an extra 4 hours that night, and before the shift was over, asked him to buy a handful. I went home with 4 or 5 of them.
I woke up the next morning and STILL felt an afterglow from them. I had never felt such pleasure in my life. I had the day off, and did some painting, and the next day before work I popped one. It started off with me taking a perc 10 about once a week, and as we all know, no addict can take a pill just once a week. I stopped taking all my prescription pills, and was surviving solely off perc 10s. I make good money, so this was not an issue at the time. We also get drug tested at work, as we work with heavy machinery, but we usually know when it's going to happen, so I'd quit for a day or two before it. Looking back this was extremely careless, as I could have lost everything I worked for then and there.
Eventually I realized this and found kratom (and extracts) online. At this point my tolerance was so low (I would say one notch above opiate naive), so just a teaspoon or two had me feeling way better than percs. Since this was legal, and I spend a lot of time by myself at work, it became so easy to just fill a few capsules, and take some when I started getting fatigued at work. It was also far easier on my checkbook than the percs were, and didnt have to worry about pissing diry. At this point I also started using etizolam to sleep, and massive amounts of caffeine and ephedrine to counteract the etizolam when I woke up.
My current daily cocktail is:
50mg Ephedrine
500-800mg caffeine
2 grams UEI kratom - once daily an hour before bed
5 grams of premium plantation maeng da - 3-5x daily depending on how hard work is
1mg etizolam -2 days a week, usually when I work consecutive days at work, but never when I have a drug test coming
6-10 shots of whiskey - When I run out of etizolam, or know a drug test is coming
15-30mg Oxycodone - once daily, this habit only started about a month ago when kratoms analgesic affects were no longer there. I do not take when drug test is coming.
I am now up for a manager position at work, which will double my salary, I have a son on the way, and I've realized I need to quit all this dumb shit. The problem is, at this point in time I cannot go to my family, or girlfriend for help. They are all so proud of me for "staying sober" and it would break their hearts to know I turned back to using drugs (however legal) to cope with life again.
I quit taking my Oxy doses about a week ago. Honestly, I lucked out, because I felt absolutely no withdrawal symptoms from the oxy. Either that, or the kratom helped cover them up, as I was extremely scared of the GI discomfort, as I can't be running to the bathroom every 10 minutes at work.
Now, I cold turkeyed off everything, including the caffeine yesterday. I'm feeling like shit, and I have to be at work in about an hour and a half. I'm going to bring my kratom with me, but only when it becomes far too much to bear at work, hopefully I can have some semblence of self control. My stomach is very upset, and I havent eaten since 2 nights ago when I had my last dose. I feel very lethargic and depressed. My anxiety is through the roof. Honestly, I can deal with all this. This is how I felt before I started self medicating.
What I cannot stand though, is the extreme derelealization, and solipism I've been feeling since yesterday morning. I do not feel like I'm in real life, and I feel like I am in a computer simulation or video game. I feel like I could murder everyone around me, and nothing bad would come of it, as they aren't real. My head space is very weird, I don't exactly know how to describe it, but hopefully someone who has been here before knows what I mean.
It's just so weird, everything looks odd to me, and I am very very tired, to the point where I might need to take some kratom or ephedra before I leave for work, just for the safety of others on the road around me. The world seems very gritty, and unrealistic (imagine watching the movie saving private ryan), this is how the world seems. Very dysphoric, very odd, and very alien. I've never experienced this feeling in my life before, so it is very overwhelming.
Half of this post was just to vent, the other half was to ask for advice. How long before all these symptoms disappear? I don't care about anxiety, lethargy, headaches, gi discomfort, or not eating, but the derealization/depersonalization is making me feel insane!
I have been taking opiates daily for the past year. When I started taking them, I was smoking 3-5 grams of hash per day, and had to quit due to onset of SEVERE psychotic symptoms making themselves apparant. Hearing voices, being paranoid the cops were coming, etc. This had never happened in years of daily weed smoking, and it upset me greatly that I had to leave my plant behind, as I'm convinced it was going to make schizophrenia emerge, due to new papers at the time showing that people with mental illness can exacerbate it with heavy weed use.
Anyway, I work a very long, physical, tedious job. I work in shipping and receiving, and I usually work a 3pm to 1 AM shift, mandatory overtime, and it takes me an hour to get to my job one way. So I dedicate a good chunk of my my day, at least 12 hours of it, to my job. Some days I've worked 15 hour shifts, and didn't think I had enough energy to safely drive home, so I slept in the parking lot, and went right back into work.
This is the first job I have ever had. I am a high school dropout who got his GED while in jail. I've had severe mentall illness and rage problems in the past, and I come from a suburban middle class household. I remember how proud my parents and family were when I finally got this job, as it pays very lucratively, and allowed me to move out of my parents finally. My girlfriend was overjoyed, and I just felt on top of the world. I lucked out, and realized for someone with a criminal record, and only his GED I was very very lucky.
After 6 months at this job, I began feeling very worn down, and not feeling like I could do it for much longer. I remember a co-worker had perc 10's, and offered me one, on a particularly bad night, saying it would alleviate all pain, both physical and mental that I was suffering. I ended up feeling on top of the world for about 10 hours. Everything had a warm glow to it, I felt stimulated but not jittery I worked an extra 4 hours that night, and before the shift was over, asked him to buy a handful. I went home with 4 or 5 of them.
I woke up the next morning and STILL felt an afterglow from them. I had never felt such pleasure in my life. I had the day off, and did some painting, and the next day before work I popped one. It started off with me taking a perc 10 about once a week, and as we all know, no addict can take a pill just once a week. I stopped taking all my prescription pills, and was surviving solely off perc 10s. I make good money, so this was not an issue at the time. We also get drug tested at work, as we work with heavy machinery, but we usually know when it's going to happen, so I'd quit for a day or two before it. Looking back this was extremely careless, as I could have lost everything I worked for then and there.
Eventually I realized this and found kratom (and extracts) online. At this point my tolerance was so low (I would say one notch above opiate naive), so just a teaspoon or two had me feeling way better than percs. Since this was legal, and I spend a lot of time by myself at work, it became so easy to just fill a few capsules, and take some when I started getting fatigued at work. It was also far easier on my checkbook than the percs were, and didnt have to worry about pissing diry. At this point I also started using etizolam to sleep, and massive amounts of caffeine and ephedrine to counteract the etizolam when I woke up.
My current daily cocktail is:
50mg Ephedrine
500-800mg caffeine
2 grams UEI kratom - once daily an hour before bed
5 grams of premium plantation maeng da - 3-5x daily depending on how hard work is
1mg etizolam -2 days a week, usually when I work consecutive days at work, but never when I have a drug test coming
6-10 shots of whiskey - When I run out of etizolam, or know a drug test is coming
15-30mg Oxycodone - once daily, this habit only started about a month ago when kratoms analgesic affects were no longer there. I do not take when drug test is coming.
I am now up for a manager position at work, which will double my salary, I have a son on the way, and I've realized I need to quit all this dumb shit. The problem is, at this point in time I cannot go to my family, or girlfriend for help. They are all so proud of me for "staying sober" and it would break their hearts to know I turned back to using drugs (however legal) to cope with life again.
I quit taking my Oxy doses about a week ago. Honestly, I lucked out, because I felt absolutely no withdrawal symptoms from the oxy. Either that, or the kratom helped cover them up, as I was extremely scared of the GI discomfort, as I can't be running to the bathroom every 10 minutes at work.
Now, I cold turkeyed off everything, including the caffeine yesterday. I'm feeling like shit, and I have to be at work in about an hour and a half. I'm going to bring my kratom with me, but only when it becomes far too much to bear at work, hopefully I can have some semblence of self control. My stomach is very upset, and I havent eaten since 2 nights ago when I had my last dose. I feel very lethargic and depressed. My anxiety is through the roof. Honestly, I can deal with all this. This is how I felt before I started self medicating.
What I cannot stand though, is the extreme derelealization, and solipism I've been feeling since yesterday morning. I do not feel like I'm in real life, and I feel like I am in a computer simulation or video game. I feel like I could murder everyone around me, and nothing bad would come of it, as they aren't real. My head space is very weird, I don't exactly know how to describe it, but hopefully someone who has been here before knows what I mean.
It's just so weird, everything looks odd to me, and I am very very tired, to the point where I might need to take some kratom or ephedra before I leave for work, just for the safety of others on the road around me. The world seems very gritty, and unrealistic (imagine watching the movie saving private ryan), this is how the world seems. Very dysphoric, very odd, and very alien. I've never experienced this feeling in my life before, so it is very overwhelming.
Half of this post was just to vent, the other half was to ask for advice. How long before all these symptoms disappear? I don't care about anxiety, lethargy, headaches, gi discomfort, or not eating, but the derealization/depersonalization is making me feel insane!
