Hi everyone, thank you all so much for the advice, encouragement and loving support that you have contributed to this thread, I have sincerely felt touched by all of the replies that you have given your time to help me.
I want to apologise that I haven't replied sooner, I checked the thread a few days after I had started it and saw some of your posts. Before I had the chance to reply I landed myself into a 6 day continuous run where a lot of crazy, paranoid and psychotic madness ensued, which I believe some of you may understand without going into full detail and I have felt more guilty as the days went on that I hadn't replied after you had all taken the time to do that for me.
I have found all of what you have said to be very helpful, the drug recovery service that I registered with have been less than helpful, actually quite useless to be honest and I wasn't aware of a lot of the things that have been mentioned, I wasn't even told the name or location of the detox until the other day and I don't know if they are going to accept me yet. My GP informed me they have requested my medical records so I am assuming that some action is taking place.
I actually knew nothing about all of this until I read your replies and realised actually how much more the service I have been getting has been lacking. I knew nothing about a counsellor or aftercare although an aftercare package had been mentioned, they have failed to actually explain what that will be, I don't think they even know what it will consist of themselves actually. I have felt totally disappointed with how they have dealt with things (more like how they haven't dealt with anything) and I have felt completely desperate with the situation which just gets progressively worse.
So, it's a good thing that TDS has been there to explain the things that they haven't and to tell me what should be happening and what they should offer.
I agree with you all when you say that after the detox that attending meetings etc is vital to maintain recovery, I started attending CA meetings a few months ago but I couldn't keep them up as my usage progressed further out of control and I wasn't able to stop using without treatment, I started on the steps and after following the daily disciplines and tasks quite well, it would slip in an instant when i got "taken"'by the fiend inside and lost any consistency with sticking to the program. I haven't been able to attend a single meeting without being under the influence as i have been using daily and it took a lot out of me to attend them due to agoraphobia, anxiety and well, just fear basically. Although at one point, I really enjoyed it and was my main goal and focus of the days that the meetings were held.
I attended Tuesday night this week for the first time in a while and I really enjoyed seeing everyone again, I have just wanted to be clean and not have drug use getting in the way of any progress before I get properly involved with it. Aside from those reasons I've seen it and some of the people differently over the time and the inconsistencies within which made me drift away too but that's another story.
I am concerned of the possibility of relapse, I was confident a while ago that I would maintain sobriety if I got a chance to detox the shit from my system but I have been waiting for help for so long and my usage has gone through the roof in this time I don't know if my mind will cope as I started using stimulants as a self med for depression and if I don't get some proper help with it I can see myself relapsing or worse because I can't tolerate any more years of living with it that I have, but relapsing cannot be an option, if i don't succeed this time i don't think i'll get the chance at it again or have the strength to do it, 15 years has been long enough already.
I'm worried that having just a short time in detox is not going to be sufficient, that it is going to be a short, sharp, shock when my body has been cleared from the ton of shit I've put through it and what further issues will be unmasked as I haven't had a single break in 6 months to realise the extent of the damage it has caused, it has got to the point that I don't experience the withdrawal symptoms, physical and mental that used to occur daily as I rarely allow my body to go long enough without for it to happen. However, that has of course inevitably caused other issues, paranoid delusions, psychotic episodes and extended periods without sleep..........
Thanks again
Peace, love and happiness to you all
