I overslept, awakened only by the vibrating of my cell phone,
My mother calling, to remind me of things i need to do
And it was the first in a series of everything to go wrong
In a rush i got my eyeliner on a just a little off where i wanted it,
And suddenly that line was the very definition of this day,
Just how i didnt want it to be
And the worst part was, i just couldn't get the damn line to come off,
Without having to start over
Which i didn't have time to do
And once more this week i had to admit defeat.
(i've lost the men here)
I didn't wear any glitter today,
Leaving my trademark in a glass tube on the sink
And it's 11:04 a.m. and no one has noticed.
I doubt they will.
And this shade of silvery-blue powder
That shimmers on my tired eyes
It's not my usual color --
but today seemed like a blue day,
And now I'm thinking, it just doesn't suit me,
and this shirt doesn't fit right
(did i gain weight?)
I rushed out the door,
No time to put bouncy curls in my hair,
No bounce in my step --
Trudged mechanically to my car,
Which groaned and wouldn't start.
Ice-cold hands clenched on the wheel,
Slipped down in my seat,
Lowered my head to the wheel,
And let held-in tears fall to my lap.
Admitting defeat has become second-nature,
Another dent in my car, another crack in my heart--
Rememberance of one more line I crossed,
Trying to keep my head up.
His name brings me back to reality,
Thoughts of this boy who thinks he knows me,
Who I can't even look at anymore
Without wanting to cry.
I feel like i've faded, and become a design
In the background of his life,
Where i watch him finally begin to shine in all these ways.
Somehow i can rationalize buying a $135 pair of pants,
Hoping that he will notice me
(trying to get noticed by my own boyfriend)
Hoping that he will look at me different.
He's got this bigger picture now,
And all these details,
The shade of eyeshadow, the new sparkly belt,
They must be things that only I can find significance in.
And i suddenly miss my life as i knew it
5 years ago,
When a sprinkle of glitter on my cheeks
And a new pair of shoes
Were all i needed to turn heads in some club,
To make some boy smile.
I went looking for a body to share closeness with,
For one night,
And in the most unintentional way,
Found love....
and at night when my eyes glisten with tears,
And i cant sleep because my heart still races
When i'm next to you,
i'm so overcome with emotion that i dont know what to do with it,
And all i get is a blank stare,
A questionable look,
A feeling of emptiness.
I want to believe so badly that these feelings are reciprocated,
But now because you feel the need to hold on to me,
Or to fix things with me...
they were never broken.
So you're not the kind of guy who bares his soul...
and i'm ok with that.
i'm not the kind of girl to dance around you in circles,
just the kind who likes to stuff your book with cards
and send you endless letters... reminders...
of how much you mean to me.
i dont want you to say all these things
at the critical moments,
when the tears are falling,
and i breakdown in the lab, in front of everyone,
and pound my fists on the keyboard,
where you cant see my face through this screen,
and the way i look right now,
falling apart,
coming all undone at the seams.
i dont want you to grab my arm as i walk away,
or beg me not to sleep on the couch.
i dont want those to be the moments where you tell me all these things...
when i'm lying there next to you,
and i cant find the words to say
becuase they've all been said so many times,
and the air is full of this silence
that could strangle a person,
where i lose myself in your gaze
and you can feel me grip your t-shirt
a little tighter,
at that moment,
right before the wetness in my eyes
becomes a tear--
find some thing, just one thing, anything
to fill the void
whether it's just babble about work,
or whatever's in your heart
but please,
dont leave me there in the darkness,
holding my breath.
My mother calling, to remind me of things i need to do
And it was the first in a series of everything to go wrong
In a rush i got my eyeliner on a just a little off where i wanted it,
And suddenly that line was the very definition of this day,
Just how i didnt want it to be
And the worst part was, i just couldn't get the damn line to come off,
Without having to start over
Which i didn't have time to do
And once more this week i had to admit defeat.
(i've lost the men here)
I didn't wear any glitter today,
Leaving my trademark in a glass tube on the sink
And it's 11:04 a.m. and no one has noticed.
I doubt they will.
And this shade of silvery-blue powder
That shimmers on my tired eyes
It's not my usual color --
but today seemed like a blue day,
And now I'm thinking, it just doesn't suit me,
and this shirt doesn't fit right
(did i gain weight?)
I rushed out the door,
No time to put bouncy curls in my hair,
No bounce in my step --
Trudged mechanically to my car,
Which groaned and wouldn't start.
Ice-cold hands clenched on the wheel,
Slipped down in my seat,
Lowered my head to the wheel,
And let held-in tears fall to my lap.
Admitting defeat has become second-nature,
Another dent in my car, another crack in my heart--
Rememberance of one more line I crossed,
Trying to keep my head up.
His name brings me back to reality,
Thoughts of this boy who thinks he knows me,
Who I can't even look at anymore
Without wanting to cry.
I feel like i've faded, and become a design
In the background of his life,
Where i watch him finally begin to shine in all these ways.
Somehow i can rationalize buying a $135 pair of pants,
Hoping that he will notice me
(trying to get noticed by my own boyfriend)
Hoping that he will look at me different.
He's got this bigger picture now,
And all these details,
The shade of eyeshadow, the new sparkly belt,
They must be things that only I can find significance in.
And i suddenly miss my life as i knew it
5 years ago,
When a sprinkle of glitter on my cheeks
And a new pair of shoes
Were all i needed to turn heads in some club,
To make some boy smile.
I went looking for a body to share closeness with,
For one night,
And in the most unintentional way,
Found love....
and at night when my eyes glisten with tears,
And i cant sleep because my heart still races
When i'm next to you,
i'm so overcome with emotion that i dont know what to do with it,
And all i get is a blank stare,
A questionable look,
A feeling of emptiness.
I want to believe so badly that these feelings are reciprocated,
But now because you feel the need to hold on to me,
Or to fix things with me...
they were never broken.
So you're not the kind of guy who bares his soul...
and i'm ok with that.
i'm not the kind of girl to dance around you in circles,
just the kind who likes to stuff your book with cards
and send you endless letters... reminders...
of how much you mean to me.
i dont want you to say all these things
at the critical moments,
when the tears are falling,
and i breakdown in the lab, in front of everyone,
and pound my fists on the keyboard,
where you cant see my face through this screen,
and the way i look right now,
falling apart,
coming all undone at the seams.
i dont want you to grab my arm as i walk away,
or beg me not to sleep on the couch.
i dont want those to be the moments where you tell me all these things...
when i'm lying there next to you,
and i cant find the words to say
becuase they've all been said so many times,
and the air is full of this silence
that could strangle a person,
where i lose myself in your gaze
and you can feel me grip your t-shirt
a little tighter,
at that moment,
right before the wetness in my eyes
becomes a tear--
find some thing, just one thing, anything
to fill the void
whether it's just babble about work,
or whatever's in your heart
but please,
dont leave me there in the darkness,
holding my breath.
