So, this is my first thread. I'd just like to express gratitude for this forum, both its members and purpose. I am truly honored to be here posting this. Moderators, please move this thread if it's not in the right place. I'm going to try and keep this somewhat succinct... Also, please note I am typing this on a Saturday morning @ 4:30 am so I apologize in advance if this is a little bit of a jumble. Currently typing this out on a bender of both Adderall and alcohol. If I do not gain control, I believe my mental and physical health will degrade to un-recoverable levels, and I am terrified. Already suffer from depression and anxiety. Everything I have done has been enjoyable and without regret until I uncontrollably abuse/use on a daily basis.
I am currently 24 years old with a long (and somehow silent) history of substance abuse of all sorts. Bisexual. Narcissistic parents paired with only-child syndrome, so yeah, 100% admit I am a total mess. Won't go all-in with my "issues" but definitely internally struggling despite career/life success that I have been able to achieve, somehow. Currently single with way too many hookups... Doing anything I can to actualize/realize/improve upon this with attempts for mental health-related growth, but somehow addiction continues to strangle me from within...
Started with alcohol in my early-to-mid teens, then came weed in 2015. After that came coke (Four 1mo. long periods of binging,) I have abstained since I have been prescribed Adderall for (2) 10mg pills daily, and even a few tabs of acid + shrooms here and there and there on occasion. Currently dependent on Adderall (usage fluctuates due to prescription; it is abused 75% of the time, the record was 230mg in under 36 hours which almost brought me to a psychotic breakdown circa May 2021, alcohol (severely increased usage as of late, 12+ drinks daily, 7 days a week,) Nicotine (1.5 Juul pods daily, equivalent to 1.5 packs of cigarettes,) and caffeine (a dozen cups worth, daily.) Formerly a heavy weed smoker, daily, but managed to abstain since May 2021; usage of everything else has increased through this. Thinking it is for the worse...
I have known of this forum for quite some time and always referenced it regarding my "endeavors" through the usage of numerous substances & combinations. I consider myself lucky in the sense that I was able to build a successful life thus far after dropping out of college; I am currently a network engineer working for an IT firm while also managing an IT-related infrastructure/power business. I do not intend to gloat, but this has been enablement in a sense, and the opposite of true fulfillment. I live on my own by myself in a rather large residence that is owned & being paid off and in addition, I have had the privilege to even experience & own some beautiful automobiles (I'm a car guy) over the past 5 years or so... People enable my behavior due to their general view of American "success" and I realize that I do not have a support network, due to their common lack of understanding about addiction/mental illness/etc... This is why I have finally registered for BlueLight; to hopefully find people that I can work with and even help myself to work through not only these wild times with Covid, but also our own mental health/addictions. I hope to meet people that I can not only relate to but also help in any way that I can through this truly beautiful forum.
Enough of the intro... I have been a trainwreck. 12+ alcoholic drinks a day, 7 days a week, for the past month. Cannot abstain. Mainly White Claws & beer for harm reduction, improving from drinking vodka out of the bottle until blackout/stupor phase, or so I think. Currently being paired with Paxil (consistent 12.5mg script daily) in addition to Adderall (20-50mg dependent on day/mood.) This is taking a toll on my physical health as I am beginning to notice symptoms of liver strain such as Jaundice.
I am hoping to continue using Adderall while saving a decent bit of my script, and also looking to wean off of my alcohol consumption more than ever. I begin to feel "the shakes" around 3pm at work since I refuse to consume alcohol on the job. Anxiety fills my headspace and physical symptoms seem to be settling in, which gives me way more stress/more anxiety. Adderall has certainly been the worst withdrawal; spurring anger and a complete inability to handle adversity for at least 4-5 days.
As of this thread creation, I am on 60mg of Adderall paired with 18 white claws, due to the fact that it is Friday. Finally realizing I am who I am but cannot continue on like this, and if I do, I am going to destroy/ruin my entire life. Close friends have already made comments regarding my physical appearance; I have lost 120lbs in the past 5 years which is excellent health-wise, but am now beginning to look sick/drawn out. Wrinkles/receding hairline/skin coloration due to alcohol... It is terrifying yet I cannot stop; drugs/alcohol provide comfort above all else. It is almost as if I have an ability to think more clearly/rationally/logically while on them or a combination of them. I also understand this could be my own delusion, but I'm sure someone here can understand...
My greatest question for any of you out there who have maybe had experiences similar to mine... How can I confidently start the weaning-off process? Need to try detoxing for about a month due to anxiety/other mental problems that most likely are stemming from chronic abuse of both Adderall and alcohol for months on end. What are the first steps that I can potentially take to regain control of my life? Thank you so much again; I love this forum, its members, and its purpose as well.
I am currently 24 years old with a long (and somehow silent) history of substance abuse of all sorts. Bisexual. Narcissistic parents paired with only-child syndrome, so yeah, 100% admit I am a total mess. Won't go all-in with my "issues" but definitely internally struggling despite career/life success that I have been able to achieve, somehow. Currently single with way too many hookups... Doing anything I can to actualize/realize/improve upon this with attempts for mental health-related growth, but somehow addiction continues to strangle me from within...
Started with alcohol in my early-to-mid teens, then came weed in 2015. After that came coke (Four 1mo. long periods of binging,) I have abstained since I have been prescribed Adderall for (2) 10mg pills daily, and even a few tabs of acid + shrooms here and there and there on occasion. Currently dependent on Adderall (usage fluctuates due to prescription; it is abused 75% of the time, the record was 230mg in under 36 hours which almost brought me to a psychotic breakdown circa May 2021, alcohol (severely increased usage as of late, 12+ drinks daily, 7 days a week,) Nicotine (1.5 Juul pods daily, equivalent to 1.5 packs of cigarettes,) and caffeine (a dozen cups worth, daily.) Formerly a heavy weed smoker, daily, but managed to abstain since May 2021; usage of everything else has increased through this. Thinking it is for the worse...
I have known of this forum for quite some time and always referenced it regarding my "endeavors" through the usage of numerous substances & combinations. I consider myself lucky in the sense that I was able to build a successful life thus far after dropping out of college; I am currently a network engineer working for an IT firm while also managing an IT-related infrastructure/power business. I do not intend to gloat, but this has been enablement in a sense, and the opposite of true fulfillment. I live on my own by myself in a rather large residence that is owned & being paid off and in addition, I have had the privilege to even experience & own some beautiful automobiles (I'm a car guy) over the past 5 years or so... People enable my behavior due to their general view of American "success" and I realize that I do not have a support network, due to their common lack of understanding about addiction/mental illness/etc... This is why I have finally registered for BlueLight; to hopefully find people that I can work with and even help myself to work through not only these wild times with Covid, but also our own mental health/addictions. I hope to meet people that I can not only relate to but also help in any way that I can through this truly beautiful forum.
Enough of the intro... I have been a trainwreck. 12+ alcoholic drinks a day, 7 days a week, for the past month. Cannot abstain. Mainly White Claws & beer for harm reduction, improving from drinking vodka out of the bottle until blackout/stupor phase, or so I think. Currently being paired with Paxil (consistent 12.5mg script daily) in addition to Adderall (20-50mg dependent on day/mood.) This is taking a toll on my physical health as I am beginning to notice symptoms of liver strain such as Jaundice.
I am hoping to continue using Adderall while saving a decent bit of my script, and also looking to wean off of my alcohol consumption more than ever. I begin to feel "the shakes" around 3pm at work since I refuse to consume alcohol on the job. Anxiety fills my headspace and physical symptoms seem to be settling in, which gives me way more stress/more anxiety. Adderall has certainly been the worst withdrawal; spurring anger and a complete inability to handle adversity for at least 4-5 days.
As of this thread creation, I am on 60mg of Adderall paired with 18 white claws, due to the fact that it is Friday. Finally realizing I am who I am but cannot continue on like this, and if I do, I am going to destroy/ruin my entire life. Close friends have already made comments regarding my physical appearance; I have lost 120lbs in the past 5 years which is excellent health-wise, but am now beginning to look sick/drawn out. Wrinkles/receding hairline/skin coloration due to alcohol... It is terrifying yet I cannot stop; drugs/alcohol provide comfort above all else. It is almost as if I have an ability to think more clearly/rationally/logically while on them or a combination of them. I also understand this could be my own delusion, but I'm sure someone here can understand...
My greatest question for any of you out there who have maybe had experiences similar to mine... How can I confidently start the weaning-off process? Need to try detoxing for about a month due to anxiety/other mental problems that most likely are stemming from chronic abuse of both Adderall and alcohol for months on end. What are the first steps that I can potentially take to regain control of my life? Thank you so much again; I love this forum, its members, and its purpose as well.
Last edited: